Dating is Hell

Fresh Starts and New Beginnings

2011-02-15T15:28:00.000-08:00

Kids, I need a fresh start. As such, I created one. I'm good like that.

http://theadventuresofme.typepad.com/

That's me now. Go there. Read it. It's a whole new world.

Dating in Los Angeles

2010-05-04T09:40:00.000-07:00

Ok, let's just say this upfront: Dating in LA sucks. Beyond sucks actually. If it just sucked it'd be normal levels. However this level of suck is akin to being stuck in a car with a group of strangers who are screaming while farting for 15 hours straight. And then at the end of the car trip you get punched in the faced and shiv'd. Yeah. Just about that level.

Sunday I had a date for drinks. Dude showed up in a dirty tee shirt and approximately 6 inches shorter than stated. If in fact you say you are 6 feet tall, be at least over 5'7. I towered over him which clearly made him angry. Date lasted for 1 drink and 1 drink only before we both ran outta there like our hair was on fire. Me more quickly as my legs are as long as his entire body.

Last week I had a great date. Great! He was cute and fun and we talked for hours. At the end of said date he asked me out again. I, being of moderately sound mind, said yes. We compared schedules and agreed to Wednesday with him saying that he'd also like to see me that weekend if possible. He made sure I put our date in my calendar and then we parted ways. We texted a bit the next day and then he had a friend in town so I knew he'd be busy. Yesterday I sent him a text saying hi and asking if we were still on. No word. Ah life... fun.

I was a bit bummed but whatever, right? So he wasn't as interested any more, c'est la vie. I then went home to get an email from a dude asking why I'd never returned his call. The reason was: I hadn't gotten the call. Apparently my phone is evil (wich I knew) and had been not notifying me of missed calls or voicemail. I immediately called the dude to apologize at which point he A) yelled at me and then B) told me that he prefers girls hot and stupid and while I had the hot part down was too smart to date. And then he hung up on me.

Internet, this is why I own cats.

Even though I've only been back out there for about a month or so I think I'm taking another break from the internet. Instead I'm going to go back to meeting boys the old fashioned way: drunk, in bars.

Dating

2010-04-19T20:57:00.000-07:00

So... dating can bite me. Seriously. Especially in Los Angeles.

There was the dude who thinks cake is the devil (whereas I consider it one of the 4 major food groups). He also is terrified of bar soap. Let that one sink in. He told me about this and internet, I literally laughed in his face. I am a FANTASTIC dater. I mean when a grown man tells you that he can't keep soap in his house or look at it in a bar without feeling queasy can you really keep a straight face? No. Especially if you're me.

Then there was the Viking. We had a 7 hour long date wherein we laughed, talked, made out like 13 year olds hopped up on hormones, fought, cried and made up. Yeah. I KNOW. We then had a second date which was drama free and fun, followed by more making out like teenagers. And then he poof disappeared. Despite all of the you're amazing talk and the tongues in mouths not our own. So today I have been pouty about it. As dammit, he's a Viking and I tend to date, well, pussies. The fact of the matter is I am tired of the boys and I was all excited to find a man. A man full of drama, yes, but a man none the less.

Internet dating isn't working like it used to for me. Perhaps it's because I've now dated all of the men in Los Angeles. Perhaps it's because I'm nearing 30 at light speed and am now outside of a large portion of male dating age ranges. Who knows. I do however know I am sick of dating guys that are crazy, lame, or go poof into the night. I'm ready for the universe to deliver the dude I'm meant to be with in a bow. A manly bow, but a bow none the less. Is this too much to ask? I don't think so. Also, while I'm asking I would like a million dollars and a unicorn. But mostly the dude. (and the money, let's face facts here). (oh and some cake because I have a cold) (and maybe the unicorn afterall).

My astrologist who I spend money talking to because I'm mature adult told me to put it out into the universe that I'm ready. So universe, listen up. I'm tired of the not right dudes. I'm ready for the right one. And if he's Viking hot, well, that's just all the better.

Well, Hello There

2010-04-11T21:41:00.001-07:00

Apparently I have a blog that I kinda sorta forgot about. Oops? What can I say, I drink a lot.

The last few weeks of my life, they have been busy. So let's recap, all brief like and then I'll go back to regular scheduled programming with updates about my daily shenanigans.

- I went to Vegas. While there I encountered my uncle's new girlfriend who I believe is a former stripper. While at a club she decided she wanted to get to know our family a bit better and reached into my shirt and squeezed a boob. It was at that moment that my brain melted and oozed out my ears in a never before seen fashion. Dudes. It was Awkward. Possibly The Awkward. I do not know you but I wish upon you, internet strangers, that you never ever ever have to go through that. Ever. To erase that memory I ran a stress test of my liver and found a pretty boy. I make fantastic adult choices.

- I went with Ava to go skydiving but could not skydive due to a back injury from the car accident. I did however indoor skydive. It was FANTASTIC. It's like being in Charlie and the Chocolate Factory and soaring up to the ceiling. One of the ladies who did it however did not like the experience however and had a complete melt down in the chamber. Kicking, flipping around and screaming. Watching that really made the experience oh so much better. The comedy, it was high. I suggest you go do this immediately. I do not however suggest you get the photo package unless of course you like know what you look like with jowls. They are, hands down, the most horrible pictures of me ever taken. And that includes the one of me in a hammer pants suit with a perm. Yeah.

- Today I took a segway tour of Long Beach because apparently I'm not a big enough nerd in my day to day life. I fucking loved it. No joke. Oh how I wish I did not love segways, and yet, I do. In fact if asked if I wanted to buy a Vespa or a Segway at this moment I would say Segway. You can spin in place! As I'm essentially 4 years old I found that fantastic. I do not however suggest Segway'ing in the rain. It's cold. And wet. And if possible you look even less cool.

- I'm oddly addicted to The Twitter. I like to call it The Twitter to keep in line with what my mom calls it. But seriously, addicted. It's like 140 character crack. I'm sure I'll be over it in the coming weeks but right now, I can't get enough. So, while I have not been here, I have been updating my life on the interwebz on that forum.

- Internet dating. Yeah. Back out there. Went on a date with a dude who has not eaten a carb in 4 years for fear of gaining weight. FOUR. YEARS. I was tempted to ask if he had a vagina but somehow refrained. If that's what is available in LA well then, I'm going to go and get myself some more cats and a pile of dessert.

Ok kids, I'm spent. I'm off to San Francisco tomorrow for work. There will likely be few shenanigans but I can guarantee I will eat some bread in honor of LA.

So That Sucked

2010-03-22T22:21:00.000-07:00

If you're following me on Twitter you know that I was in a car accident this weekend. The car accident was with an uninsured driver who hit me while I was turning out of my driveway. The saddest part of the story would be the fact that I was all dressed up and wearing really cute shoes. Really cute shoes that went to waste that night as I turned right around, went home, replaced fancy dress with pajama pants and drank a lot of wine. A LOT. I did that the next day but the wine was replaced with wine coolers as my friend came by to keep me company and boost my spirits....with Twilight: New Moon. Internet, it totally worked. That movie is fun when you're sitting in your underpants sippin' on some sweet Bartles and James.

Unfortunately during the accident I jacked my back up and have been in, how do you say it delicately, shit tons of fucking pain. Today I had to go to urgent care to have it checked out per request of my insurance company. Dudes, my doctor was a Russian midget. You CAN NOT make this shit up. You can also not make up the fact that he asked me to draw out my accident for him so that he could understand what happened better (I swear he was a cohort of Geico's). Apparently my drawing wasn't good. In fact apparently my drawing skills are that of a 3 year old with poor hand eye coordination. When a Russian midget says this to you while you are in pain, well, let's just say there was waving of the arms and not nice words. The midget clued in that I planned to squish him like a Triscuit and gave me a prescription for muscle relaxers. This brings us to my most fantastic discovery ever: I really like muscle relaxers.

I like them even better when I have a whole big bottle full and a plane ticket for Vegas in the morning. Wheeeeee!

Fantastic Life Decisions

2010-03-17T21:27:00.000-07:00

On Monday I took a spinning class. On Monday, I injured myself at said spinning class. Let this full gravity of this sink in. I injured myself. On a stationary bike. I'll wait while you finishing laughing.

So there I am sweaty, cursing profusely and doing the part of class where you stand up on the bike and pedal real fast like. (For those of you who have never taken a spinning class, close your eyes and imagine hell. It's kind of like that except sweatier. ) Suddenly my right shoe comes unclipped and my whole body flings forward at warp speed right into the handle bar. It hurt. A lot. But because at my core I am the most competitive person in the history of the world I clipped my shoe back in and went back to pedaling. It was only after class that I was able to check out my leg and discover a welt the size of a baby's head. Well, a small baby, but still. The welt is now purple and green and I think really adds a certain touch of class to all of my outfits.

But let's really look at this. I got injured when dancing in Vegas. I got injured during physical therapy. I got injured on a motherfucking stationary bike. And yet? Next weekend I am still planning on going skydiving.

Maybe.

Possibly.

I mean, when else am I going to get the chance to weep and urinate on another human who is strapped to me at 12,500 feet?

A Scene From the Day

2010-03-14T21:01:00.000-07:00

Ava: I just flirted with Keanu Reeves!

Me: Of course you did! That's amazing.

Ava: Seriously. How's your night?

Me: Me? Oh I discovered that the 3rd and 4th Cutting Edge sequels are pretty good but the 2nd is the weakest.

Ava: (silence)

Me: So.... should I just call a spade and spade and buy another cat?

Ava: (nodding)

And that my friends is how you spend a Sunday.

So, Um, Hi

2010-03-07T22:42:00.000-08:00

Apparently I haven't blogged for a week. This is due to A) moving and living in box city, USA B) starting new job and freaking out about it and C) the head cold attack. Ergo, silence. But, I have conquered week one of the new gig and my house is now 90% box free. The head cold is still here but that's because I haven't slept and keep going out. You see there are these things called 'bars' and my friends keep inviting me to them.

The conversations going like this:

Friends (usually Ava): Hey! Let's go grab dinner and a drink!

Me: I should really stay home, I'm still not feeling great and it's Tuesday.

F.U.A: Um... yeah, but wine kills germs right? So, drinking and eating with me is kind of the same as taking antibiotics.

Me: You make a valid argument, I'll see you in 20.

AND SCENE.

And this is why I'm still sick a week later. It's also made for a super great first impression on my coworkers as my nose is falling off and I keep sniffling. Sexy, I know. Try not to all claw through your computers trying to get to me. This week I am however determined to get healthy. That's right, dammit. Healthy. And I won't go out. Except Wednesday for the scheduled happy hour and rollerskating (I KNOW). Oh and Friday for my dinner plans. And Saturday for my house warming party.

Fuck. I guess I'll just be know as Sniffles Girl at work. Trust me when I say I've been called significantly worse.

Tips For A Move

2010-02-28T19:53:00.001-08:00

1) When your two male movers lift up a large chair and reveal hordes and hordes of unused tampons that your cats have apparently stolen and then rolled away, DO NOT shrug, say 'woo, cats, huh?' and then go in for a high five. Shit gets awkward.

2) If you bruise like a peach load up on iron beforehand. If not you will be so covered in bruises that your pedicurist, days later, will look up at you with sad eyes and ask if you have a boyfriend, and if so, if things are ok at home.

3) Do not buy under the bed storage containers before measuring the height of said bed. If you do this, do not, I repeat do not attempt to lift the bed by yourself to just shove them under. If you insist on doing this, watch your head.

4) Have lots of pain killers handy.

5) Have lots of alcohol handy.

6) If your cats are freaked out by their sudden change in location, do not soothe them for a minute, then decide to be productive and turn on the power drill.

7) Pack something that can conveniently and efficiently remove cat urine.

8) Do not go into new building elevator looking like a homeless person and smelling of garlic. This is when you will run into attractive next door neighbor, Antonio, with the sexy accent.

9) Do not schedule a bikini wax and dental surgery during the move time frame. Yeah.

10) Unpack painkillers, wash down with alcohol.

Thanks, LA

2010-02-22T16:52:00.000-08:00

I quit my online dating account about two weeks ago. Before I did however, I struck up one last conversation with a dude. According to his pictures he was adorable and according to his emails funny and charming. Oh internet, ye giver of amazing deals on shoes and hours of amusement, why do you lie about dudes?

Our date was set for 7:30 on Saturday, per his request. I got to the bar a few minutes early as let's face it, I'm always early. I grabbed a glass of wine, made friends with some of the patrons and waited. And waited. Twenty minutes later the fabulous gay boy at the bar and I were discussing leaving to go dancing as clearly I'd been stood up. Five minutes later my phone rings, dude is stuck in traffic he says, be there in five. Sure. If by five you mean twenty, then five it is. He arrived and well... let's just say the effort he put into getting ready was about the same effort I put into going to the gym on a weekly basis, ergo, non existent. I mean, nothing says I care what you think about me like high tops, rolled jeans and a button down straining at the buttons. Also his picture was clearly taken five years ago or involved heavy amounts of photoshop.

He was unapologetic about arriving almost an hour late. He then went and got himself a glass of wine. After he returned to the table I got up and refilled my glass. He then kind of shrugged at me and then started talking about himself. Finally thirty minutes later I was able to break in and say that I had to leave to get to a party. I paid, left and went home to start my new hobby: xanax taking and collecting cat art.

And officially, I'm on a break from dating again.

Yeah...

2010-02-19T14:30:00.001-08:00

So, when I'm stressed out I tend to agree to do really stupid things. Like fling my body out of a perfectly working plane. You see Ava is having a birthday soon and to celebrate the bursting out of the womb that she did years ago she has decided that skydiving is the only appropriate thing to do.

Internet, my friends are insane.

However, they are not more insane than me as I have agreed to go with her. This is stupid for oh so many reasons. The first and really only reason being the fact I am a giant chicken. I am afraid of the following things: heights, planes, death and snakes. A LOT OF THOSE I WILL HAVE TO FACE WHEN FLINGING MY BODY OUT OF A PLANE. The only way I would willingly do that on my own is if there was in fact a snake on that motherfucking plane. But, I doubt there will be. Instead, it will be me and another scared blonde who is equally afraid of heights. We may have some kind of mental illness, I'm aware of this.

However in about 3 or 4 weeks I will strap myself to another human and be airborne. I will also weep and wear Depends. Seriously. I figure I probably shouldn't urinate on the person holding the parachute. I call this my master plan. Swift, huh? I will also unleah a stream of expletives that would make your momma's hair turn white. I'm already planning ahead you see and working on some alliterative patterns. I figure I should be creative with it.

So, yeah. If in a few weeks you see a girl strapped to a parachute, shaking and clutching a bottle of Jack, I suggest steering clear. Unless of course you want to hear an 18 word sentence made up of variations of the word fuck. Then by all means, say hello.

My Life, Currently

2010-02-17T13:53:00.001-08:00

You know what's fun? ANYTHING BUT PACKING.

Dudes, in putting all of your life in small boxes you realize just how much useless shit you own. Phone bills from 2002? Don't mind if I do! A wallet I was given when I was 19? Yeah, it makes logical sense to keep that in a drawer.

And this is my life. I go to work, I go home, I pack. I then fall into bed, exhausted and covered in dust. Hence my silence, because yeah, packing? Not that exciting. It doesn't compel the words and the writing on the internet. It does however make me want to drink straight out of the bottle and wonder what the fuck I'm doing with my life. But then I chant my new calming mantra of 'central air' and it soothes my soul. That could also be the wine, but whatever.

Thus, until I move expect profanity laden posts that may solely be the word fuck repeated over and over again. They may also be drunken ramblings. So... you know, pretty much status quo around here.

Things I Do With My Money

2010-02-12T12:01:00.000-08:00

So, you'd think that because I'm moving and that's generally a costly endeavor I'd be saving my money like a good little girl. If you've been reading this blog for any amount of time you know that's not likely.

Ergo, I just booked this: a hot air balloon flight. Because nothing says calm, peaceful morning like a blonde girl weeping in the air, urinating on those below.

You see, I'm terrified of heights. Like paralyzingly scared. And yet, I keep doing super idiotic things like strapping myself in a motherfucking basket to take a 'calm' and 'fun' flight over wine country. Yeah. Why do I do these things? Oh, Lord, how I wish I knew. All I can say is I have this friend let's call her Ava and she suggests things like this and before I can stop myself I'm signed up. For example parasailing, which we did in Hawaii. It went like this:

me: AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHh
her: AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
me: You ok?
her: yeah, you ok?
me: Yeah.... AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHh

For 10 minutes. The people in the boat laughed so hard at us they almost capsized.

So, really, this is just me giving back to the community/amusing those around me. Or, I was dropped on my head as a child. One of the two really.

Ah, Change

2010-02-10T15:41:00.001-08:00

Here's the deal y'all, I fucking hate change. I dread it and drag my feet. When faced with it I stamp my feet and pout. It's super attractive, I assure you. Thus everyone in my life is kind of shocked right now as I essentially took my life, turned it upside down and shook it like a baby. (Side note, apparently some people don't like it when I use that phrase as it's 'offensive'. To those people I say, well then, don't let me hold your baby, jackass)

Anyway. This week I got a new job and decided that wasn't enough upheaval so I went and found a new apartment. That I move into in 2 weeks. Approximately 4 whole days before I start my new awesomely exciting job.

Yeah.

So... apparently I'm insane. I mean, we kind of knew that already, right? But this isn't an insane that makes me think I'm an awesome karaoke singer and can totally handle doing 5 straight shots of whiskey. You know, the fun regular kind of Meghan insane. No, it's the insane that makes me want to sit in the corner, gently rocking back and forth. But I can't. Because the corner will be filled with boxes full of all of my belongings.

Swan diving into change. Fun for the whole family. (please send vodka, I'm scared)

Best Laid Plans

2010-02-08T10:12:00.001-08:00

Yeah... so remember how I was going to be responsible this weekend? Totally didn't happen. I did however watch two, yes two, America's Next Top Model marathons and perform Baby Got Back, drunkenly, at karaoke. Oops?

You see Saturday a friend of mine who is always traveling for work was actually in town. So we went for dinner. A very, very expensive dinner in the most LA restaurant of them all: Mr. Chows. It was freaking delicious and let me just say, their martinis were very strong. I had two and that's when I decided that I needed to go sing on a stage. Loudly. And dance. Awkwardly.

So, my apartment is still a gigantic mess. But, I now have video showing me just how wonderfully off key I rap. So I call that a win/win situation. Rationalization is my number one skill.

Boom

2010-02-04T09:31:00.001-08:00

Dudes, the only logical explanation for the current state of my apartment is that wild beavers broke in, took all of my stuff out of the closets and attempted to build a dam and when that didn't work blew it up. Yeah. So, it's a bit messy. But clearly not my fault, goddamn wild beavers.

Seriously though I legitimately can't find half of the stuff I own. Why? Because it's all in one massive pile in the middle of the floor. Remember the trip I took to San Francisco about two weeks ago? The suitcase is still packed at the bottom of the pile. In fact I'm thinking of just taking said suitcase to a hotel, with a cat tucked under each arm, while a team clad in safety suits cleans for me.

Generally speaking I'm not the tidiest person to ever walk the planet. However in the last few years I've gotten much, much better. I'd say 3 weeks out of 4 you can see the floor! (that totally rhymed) Apparently all of that 'better' went straight out the door with the dawn of 2010. I blame the fact that I have spent approximately 15 minutes in my apartment in the last 5 weeks. Those were a wonderful 15 minutes wherein I sat on my couch and spoke to it in a loving voice, explaining that I missed it and would be with it again soon. It was a touching moment, I assure you.

Thus this weekend I will pretend to be an adult. I will stay in and not go out day drinking. I will clean, dammit. And I will wear a tiara while doing it. Because I'm mature and a pretty, pretty princess.

Another One Bites the Dust

2010-02-02T09:29:00.001-08:00

Apparently when I'm single a memo is sent out to the males in the greater Los Angeles area. This memo states: 'if you are single and have a non functioning penis, Meghan is currently accepting applicants'. Oh how I wish I were kidding.

I was dating a wonderful, amazing guy. He made me laugh, he was attentive and smart. We read the same books and have amazing amounts in common. He and I have essentially only held hands. Because that's all he can do. SERIOUSLY. Ergo, I am now single again. Also, I am planning a trip to New Orleans to seek out a voodoo doctor who can lift whatever crazy Gypsy curse that has been placed upon me. With the exception of New Years Boy (oh, how I miss him) the last 3 boys I've dated, count 'em, 3, have had ahem... issues. So while if just looking at the numbers of men I've dated in the past year you'd think I was a woman of loose morals. AND DAMMIT I'M TRYING TO BE ONE. However, in actuality I am closer to being a nun than the vast majority of single humans. Well a nun who curses, drinks and occasionally has flings with marines. So you know, the good kind of nun.

Now excuse me while I go weep bitterly and pour one out for my hommies. You know, the ones with the broken penises.

Second Opinion Time

2010-01-26T16:02:00.000-08:00

So, before I commit myself to being hacked open and forced into a brace, I'm getting a second opinion. My blind hope is that the 2nd opinion dude will tell me that my knee has magically healed itself and no brace is necessary, however a trip to Napa is. That can totally happen, right?

The more I think about it, the more a brace seems like a better option that scars and surgery. Here's why: I live in a walk up, am clumsy and have cats that like to chase my feet. Sexy, I know. I'm thinking I may delay it a year or two so that I can move to some place without stairs. If I'm still in the same place then I will have redirected the moving energy to teaching my cats how to mix a proper drink, so that will make up for it.

Seems like a good plan, right? I think so.

All Knee, All The Time

2010-01-25T11:50:00.000-08:00

So San Francisco was awesome. Seriously. We drank, we ate, we laughed, we did a photoshoot with a horsehead lamp. You really can't beat that. I will in fact write more about it in the next day or so.

However, this morning I got up early and went to the surgeon. Apparently I have two options for my knee. Wear a super sexy leg brace for the rest of my life OR have surgery. And not the surgery they would do on any other person with the same problem that I have. Oh no. You see, I am a freak of nature. I am hyper bendy (and yet I'm single, explain that one to me). Therefore, the surgery which would mostly be on my muscles would require a six month recovery time. Six. Motherfucking. Months. One of which I'll be in a hip to toe leg brace. Then, each week they'll bend the leg brace one more inch. Whee! Then I get to have more super duper awesome physical therapy.

Yay!

And this is why I drink.

So the question becomes this: Do I attempt to just get really, really in shape, wear a knee brace at all times (big one over the jeans when I'm out and about, smaller one under the jeans when I'm just at home with los gatos). OR. Severe ouch but my knee will never pop out again which means I won't fall down and go boom.

Thoughts, internet? I leave most of my important decisions of my life up to strangers. And coin flips. I'm nothing if not logical.

Nerding it Up

2010-01-21T13:47:00.001-08:00

So tomorrow I'm getting on a plane to San Francisco with Liz and Ava to go to a TweetUp. In case you are not an internet nerd like me that essentially means a bunch of strangers from Twitter are all meeting up in a bar and then ignoring each other while we post mildly witty (me) or hilariously amazing (all others) 140 character comments via our smart phones.

Liz is very in to Twitter and she's quite good at it. How she talked me into it went like this: get up on Christmas morning, open presents, drink too much champagne, ask if I want to go to San Francisco. I'm a hard sell, internet.

When telling Ava of our upcoming trip she reminded me that this weekend is the one year anniversary of the passing of our dear, dear friend Adam. Obviously we need to be together for this. Ergo, she's now coming with. We will drink, we will meet strangers from the internet in a non dating capacity and we will toast Adam again and again. We will also cry, but it's ok, it's raining in San Francisco so no one will notice. I miss Adam every damn day and I feel he would approve of this plan and somewhere he's laughing at the absurdity that is my life.

(I will inevitably be tweeting from SF so if you are bored and on the internet, this is me: www.twitter.com/ODDTwitter )

Hodgepodge

2010-01-19T08:59:00.000-08:00

- I met someone on New Years Eve. To quote Liz he had more red flags than the Beijing Olympics, and truthfully he did. However, he was also very, very cute. As such we spent a few days holed up in my apartment, you know, discussing literature. The whole thing went on a few weeks but on Saturday night I pulled the plug. Sunday I moped and that was that. He still remains very, very cute, but China ran out of flags and thus I ran for the hills.

- Ava and I have discovered a wonderful tapas place that we go to on Monday nights post tango. The waitress there is adorable and we made friends with her. When driving there yesterday (having skipped tango as well, we wanted extra time with sangria) I asked Ava the waitresses name. Ava shrugged and said 'I'm horrible with names, I get so excited about saying 'Hi! I'm Ava!' that I don't really pay attention to what they're saying.' And this is why I love her.

- I may have proposed to a restaurant last night. That's how good these tapas are. Seriously, they are the only things that get me through Mondays. Also, we relearned the waitresses name and thanks to her I have discovered that I like sherry, and am now officially one step closer to being an old man. I think it's time to get a smoking jacket and just call it a day. Also, because of this I have 'Oh Sherry' by Journey stuck in my head. I've decided that if someone asks me a question I'll just start singing that until they leave.

- Last night I slept in 15 minute intervals. Today I'm super pleasant to be around and wide awake. OR trying to figure out how to shoot lasers out of my eyes and wearing slippers in the office. You choose which one is true. It's like those Choose Your Own Adventure books except significantly more boring.

- I think all weekends should be 3 days long. Someone should get on this, post haste. I nominate Chuck.

Wicked Smart

2010-01-14T09:34:00.000-08:00

So sometimes I'm an idiot. Like a big, raving idiot who does stupid things and then posts about them on the internet so I can be all 'see, I'm lucky I don't have to wear a helmet'. Last night I proved this yet again.

Yesterday I had a crappy day. It started with my physical therapist gnawing off my leg and leaving bruises on me and ended with a waiter dumping a bowl of gravy in my lap. I was due to go to improv class but I was A) limping and B) smelled like Thanksgiving so I decided to pass. Ava was also having The Day From Hell so we decided that she would come over and I would make us some dinner. Part of said dinner would the inaugural run of my fancy new ice cream maker, a Christmas gift from Liz.

I stopped at the store and bought all of the ingredients for Bailey's ice cream, easily the best sounding frozen treat in the history of man kind. I went home, mixed up a batch, threw the machine together and hit start. It's one of these fancy no need for ice or salt machines. I figured it made the ice cream by magic or like really small frozen elves that live inside the machine. After 30 minutes I checked, expecting to see the finished product. What I found instead was well stirred Bailey's milk. It was then that I decided to read the directions for the machine.

Yeah.

Apparently there are no such things as tiny frozen elves. Instead you need to freeze the bowl for like 22 hours. That's what makes the cream all frozen and whatnot. Logical, right? And thus for dinner last night I served Hershey's kisses and Bailey's cream in glasses. I'm an awesome hostess.

The Dance of Love

2010-01-12T12:26:00.000-08:00

So, I started tango lessons last night. Apparently I thought it would be a super wise idea to do these lessons when I'm in a leg brace. You know, to add that extra element of sex appeal. I know what makes men hot under the collar. (hint: braces, talk of babies, pictures of my cats)

Anyway, I signed up for the class with my friends and for some reason in my head I would be dancing alone. I even said that to my friends when they asked if we would end up dancing with others. No, I insisted, we would be dancing alone just learning the steps. Cut to an hour into class and there is Ava, nestled in my chest as we tango across the floor. Apparently I am the dude in this relationship and also, I'm a very strong leader. Per her, I was the most masculine dancer in the class. What can I say? I lead my bitches with a firm hand.

Yeah. I think it's time to find a boyfriend. Or have prop 8 voted out so I can marry Ava.

Guns and Ammo

2010-01-11T08:55:00.000-08:00

On Saturday I took Ava shooting for her belated Christmas present. She'd never shot a gun before so was a wee bit nervous (read: shaking). That lasted for about oh, 3 bullets. Then she was jumping up and down like a kid cracked out on cake. It was then that she decided that we should befriend the marines with assault rifles next to us.

Yep. The main one of which was clad in Ed Hardy, chewing tobacco and named Flod. Internet, you can not make this shit up.

Flod jumped at the chance to let two blonde girls with cameras shoot his crazy large and crazy expensive guns. And shoot we did. Dudes, if you get a chance to A) meet someone named Flod and B) shoot an assault rifle DO IT. It makes you feel like Rambo. I was seriously about a minute away from attempting to kick down doors and/or headbutting someone. Then I remembered that I bruise when someone looks at me too hard and so I put the gun down and went out for mimosas. However, that happened after I had this conversation:

Me: (shooting gun, bullet casing flies off and hits me in the cheek,leaving a streak)

Ava: Oh no! Here! Let me help. (she then spits on her finger and before I can stop her, wipes off the residue.

Me: Did you just mom spit bullet residue off my face?

Ava: I did. I also think that's probably the first time that sentence has ever been spoken.

Me: It's official, we're too close.

And then I cut my finger and left blood on the gun. BECAUSE I'M A BADASS. Or clumsy, whichever.

I Have Logical and Reasonable Goals

2010-01-06T08:41:00.000-08:00

Yesterday I was IM'ing with Sera. I was in a mood because I had to again get up and put on pants. It's a wonder I have friends. This was our conversation:

Me: I want to move to France.

Her: It's very pretty there.

Me: Yes, and they have all of the bread and cheese.

Her: They also have great health care and 7 to 8 weeks of vacation a year.

Me: Yeah.... mostly going for the bread and cheese.

Her: What would you do there?

Me: Queen of France.

Her: You could probably find a job in your current field very easily.

Me: Or be Queen of France.

Her: You don't speak French.

Me: I do too! I can order a Diet Coke, ask where the bathroom is and say "I'm a lawyer".

Her: You're not a lawyer.

Me: Maybe I will be when I'm Queen of France.

Shockingly it was then that she needed to take a cigarette break.

Reality

2010-01-05T09:31:00.001-08:00

Dudes, real life sucks. For the last 2.5 weeks I've been on vacation. I have slept in, then napped, and then made out with boys. AND IT WAS AWESOME.

Yesterday I had to wake up to an alarm and put on pants. Oh the horrors of having to put on pants. I then had to go fight traffic, go to an office, and pretend to be an adult. Being an adult sucks. For the last 16 days I was an awesome adult, however. I mixed my orange juice with champagne and had fudge for breakfast. I stayed out until 6AM and danced barefoot in bars. I also accidentally broke a sink off of a bathroom wall while doing a photoshoot. YEP. That totally actually happened.

But now I have to be responsible and all professional. I am however trying to ease back into that though. Because yesterday even though I had put on pants and was sitting upright at a desk I made my assistant come in to photograph my hickies.

I like 2010.

2009: a Recap

2009-12-31T09:14:00.000-08:00

Dudes, I cannot express how happy I will be to slam the door on 2009. There were some ups, decidedly, and dear sweet merciful Christ there were some downs.

Let's see:

- My best friend Adam died, unexpectedly
- Fell in love. Hard.
- Had dinner at the French Laundry
- Had my heart broken, then run over, squashed like bug
- Cried. A lot. Blogged about it.
- Flew on tiny, tiny plane to see good friends get married
- Jumped off a cliff in Hawaii
- Dated a fun hipster with a scooter
- Stopped dating fun hipster with a scooter and declared man ban
- Spent approximately 3k on much needed therapy
- Cried. A lot. Blogged about it
- Fell down in Vegas and pushed my kneecap back in with my hand
- Made an amazing friend
- Dated vastly inappropriate people, laughed about it
- Learned the value of retail therapy
- Lost some old friends, fought with some, grew closer because of it
- Am still standing

It's been a roller coaster, friends. Thank you for being here with me on the ride. Here's to 2010 being better for all of us, full of laughter, love, hope and champagne.

A Family Christmas

2009-12-27T21:07:00.000-08:00

Every year my uncle comes over to help us decorate sugar cookies. Every year, without fail, he then eats the left over frosting while making what can only be dubbed as his O face. Internet, this is why I need therapy. This year however we got all fancy and used frosting in cake decorating bags. Ergo, instead of scooping the frosting out of the bowls with a spoon he had to squeeze the frosting from the bag. It's a super fun visual, isn't it?

So of course I took pictures of this moment in my life. You know, so that one day I can torture future generations with this knowledge ensuring that anyone from my blood line keeps therapists employed throughout the ages. My uncle posed for said pictures, piping bag posed over his open mouth, head thrown back in ecstasy.

We then had the following wonderful family moment.

Me: You look like you're fellating that bag.

Uncle: That's a fancy word.

Me: I learned it in college.

My mom who was standing at the sink, slams down her hands: I didn't need to know that!

Me (responding without thinking) : I meant the word, not the action. Please, I was really unattractive in college you know I didn't get any ass. I really learned it in my 20's

My mom and I stare at each other, blinking. You see, my mom and I can talk about most things (reality TV being the main staple of our relationship) but in her mind I am virginal and will remain so regardless of relationship/marriage/future offspring.

She then puts down the sponge she was using to clean dishes and went outside to smoke half a pack of cigarettes. Every so often she would look at me through the sliding glass door and shake her head. My uncle on the other hand high fived me.

Ah family moments to treasure forever.

Perhaps I Shouldn't Breed

2009-12-23T16:11:00.000-08:00

Today I was emailing with a good friend of mine and the subject of babies came up. Specifically about how there was one at the restaurant I was at and well, it was making a God awful sound. You see in my day to day life I don't come in contact with a lot of babies. As such when I see one I immediately freeze up, especially if I'm forced to interact with them. Being a woman of a certain age everyone assumes I can't wait to grow one of them and then raise it. A year or so ago I would have agreed and oohed and awwed. Now... well...I would rather just buy a really nice pair of shoes. In fact my family was due to go decorate cookies with some kids today, but my brother and I formed an anti baby alliance and the cookie decorating was cancelled. I know this may make me see Scrooge like (I'm ok with that) but I knew the second that we walked in there someone would hand me a baby and I would be forced to smile and pretend I know what to do with it.

So the conversation I had with my friend went like this:

Her: But they're so cute!

Me: They crap, you clean it up, they cry, they don't drink. I don't understand what's to like.

Her: But it's baby crap! It's small because they're small.

Me: Yeah, still crap. And potent.

Her: Christmas makes me want to nest and want a baby.

Me: Christmas makes me want to go to Europe and dance on tables and make out with Spaniards.

So, I think that's what I'll do. My friends and I have been talking about taking a trip this spring, I think it's time to put it into motion. I have table dancing to do before I get that horrible Want A Baby holiday sensation. It's bound to hit in a few years and I think before then I have a lot of trouble to raise.

Hodgepodge

2009-12-21T09:55:00.001-08:00

- So last week I worked 40 hours in 3 days when sick. This culminated in me getting a respiratory infection and being home sick. It also means I'm not allowed to drink for 2 more days. Apparently the modern medical system has never had to spend the holidays with my family. If they did they would understand that asking this of me is just not safe for mankind. As such I am leaving my family home shortly to buy a case of champagne. I will attempt to not drink it until done with my meds. BUT I'M NOT PROMISING ANYTHING. On the plus side it's only 3 more days until Liz joins me. It's fun because she's awesome, and also because my stepfather is secretly convinced she's my fancy girlfriend. Oh the fun we have.

- Before leaving LA I had to run a few errands. In doing so I saw every celebrity known to mankind. No joke. My favorite was LaToya Jackson who totally saw me recognizing her and thus pulled her bejeweled baseball cap down over her eyes. It was kind of awesome.

- My brother is girlier than I am. He owns a loofa and body wash. The body wash however smells like boy and now so do I. Seriously I smell like every boy I have ever dated. Happy holidays to me!

- I have been home for 18 hours. Thus far I have eaten 5 cookies. This is well under my average. And thus, time for breakfast.

Sleepy

2009-12-15T13:54:00.000-08:00

Dudes, I slept 3 hours but I worked almost 20. Thus I am The. Tired. Capitals and periods intended. So, I'm not sure if this is as funny to all you awake people out there but I found it highly amusing.

I had the following conversation with a friend from improv. He had asked what I did this weekend and I told him about the helicopter tour. This was his response:

Him: Woah! Who the fuck are you dating, Scrooge McDuck? Did he have LaunchPad fire up the copter and take you on a spin?

Me: Yep. I didn't want to tell you but it is Mr. MrDuck.

Him: Did you get to see the money pool?

Me: What do you think we did after the helicopter tour?

This is why I only hang out with funny people.

The Weekend: A Recap

2009-12-14T10:00:00.000-08:00

- On Friday I went to a holiday party and took my friend Ava as my date. Apparently this created some controversy when she jokingly said that she was going to make an honest woman of me...and now everyone I work with thinks I'm a lesbian. Rumors flying about, staring and pointing. No. Joke. So we decided to play along and then I licked her neck. Yep, that totally put those rumors to rest, yessirree.

- On Saturday I went with a friend/date to 4 different parties. At one I sang Baby Got Back while stone cold sober. Let's just say karaoke when sober is a touch awkward. But, if you sing about big butts it's a smidge easier. The fourth and last party was a house party. Guess who was there? The virgin I hooked up with a week ago and that never called me back. Apparently Los Angeles is approximately one foot big and everyone knows everyone. Let's just say the virgin got really awkward and there was a lot of foot shuffling on his part. On my part I was happy when my date wanted to leave after 20 minutes.

- What else could I be forgetting... oh, that's right on Sunday a different date TOOK ME ON A MOTHERFUCKING HELICOPTER TOUR. Yeah. He did. We met for wine and the second part of the date was a mystery. He then told me we'd be taking a helicopter to see Christmas lights. I had a mild panic attack due to my whole loving the ground and not loving flight thing, but then he surprised me with a bottle of champagne and it helped squash the nerves. Dudes, helicopters are alternately scary and awesome. It's kind of like being in a car but in the air. Also, Christmas lights are pretty from above.

Halfway to 59

2009-12-11T17:28:00.001-08:00

Today is my half birthday, which I totally celebrate. However, the celebration will be a bit different today as it's the day of a big annual Christmas party I go to. Also, I'm sick. Wheeee! Below is a conversation I had with my mom:

Me: Half birthday! Woo! Where's my pony?

Mom: Shouldn't it be half a pony?

Me: You're evil. I like it. Yes.

Mom: How are you feeling?

Me: Like death.

Mom: Still going to the party?

Me: Have we met?

Mom: But you won't drink?

Me: Have we met?

Mom: But you're sick?

Me: Mom, say it with me... open bar. Top shelf vodka.

Mom: ...but you're sick?

Me: I don't make fun of your God's, so don't judge mine.

Mom: Understood. Have fun.

Happy half birthday to me!

Things I Currently Like

2009-12-09T09:28:00.001-08:00

- The show Jersey Shore. Listen, I know there's some 'controversy' around this show and a bunch of people are all up in arms about how derogatory it is. Um... have they never been to Jersey or Long Island? These people totally already exist. All MTV did was scoop them up and put them in a house. AND IT'S AMAZING. The best part is MTV currently has (apparently) only two shows they air at the moment so it's rerun every hour. I am not ashamed to say that I have watched it 3.5 times. Oh yeah. I have.

- Streaming internet radio dedicated solely to Christmas music. Listen folks, we all know I'm a nerd. It's kind of a given. But this takes it to new unforeseen levels. Yesterday I played Christmas music all day and hosted a dance party in my office. I made a coworker dance with me as well. This may be why I'm unpopular in the office. Meh.

- Apple cider. So Starbucks has this caramel apple cider that is crack in a cup. However, they run out of it roughly every day. Apparently they get 12 ounces of apple juice delivered once a month and they just dole it out as they see fit. This is my working theory at least. Well yesterday I was the lucky recipient. When the barista told me that yes, they did have it in stock (I check daily. Obsessive for the win) I literally almost hopped over the counter and hugged her while weeping. Instead I just did that in my head and in my head? It was magical. I then drank it like a shot and was on a sugar high for the rest of the day.

- Pretty, pretty improv boys. Dudes. You don't understand. The level of attractive males in my new improv class is unheard of. Usually improv boys are nerdy and awkward which is generally my type. This class? Chock. Full. Of. Models. Like people I didn't know existed in real life pretty. And thus in class I mostly just stand around slack jawed and stare. That goes over real well in the class dedicated to making the funny. Whatever. Mama likes.

Well, That Was Interesting

2009-12-07T09:36:00.000-08:00

So on Saturday I went to a house party. The party was hosted by a boy that I have been known to make out with upon occasion. The occasion happened again mostly due to the presence of mistletoe (and alcohol). We went to his room so as not to be stared at by party goers. Roughly 5 minutes later there was a knock at the door and some random dude was looking for his girlfriend's coat. It wasn't in the make out boy's room (let's call him Pete) so Pete went to look in the hallway.

This is when drunk random dude started talking to me.

'What are you doing in here?'

'We were discussing world politics. Afghanistan mostly.'

(pause) 'No. Really.'

'I was tired. Parties make me sleepy. Nap time!'

(long pause) 'Seriously?'

'Yep. That's what Pete and I were doing. Napping.'

It was then that Pete's brother (Let's call him Hal) came in to help search for the coat. Note that I am still laying on Pete's bed, shoeless. Hal was looking in the closet while the drunk stranger kept questioning me and my presence in the room. I kept making jokes and stood up to put on my shoes, obviously uncomfortable at this point.

Hal then turned to the drunk guy and said: 'Why are you harassing the girl on my brother's bed?'

Drunk guy shrugged and turned back to me. Hal then said 'Ok, time to get out. Party is over.' Drunk guy: 'Seriously? I was just getting started.' Hal: 'Yep, get the fuck out, party's over. Seriously. Get the fuck out of my house.'

It was then they left the room and I stood and put on my shoes. I walked out to the living room and sat with Ava right next to the front door which was open. We decided we should head home as it was almost 4AM. It was then that I looked outside and there was Hal BLEEDING FROM THE EYE. Let me repeat that, blood, coming out of his face, specifically from his motherfucking EYE. Yeah.

Then there was chaos and running around in small circles (me) and applying a towel to his face. There was also a call to the cops as they chased down random drunk guy who had taken off in his car after the apparent street brawl. And then we went home.

Hal had 4 stitches and has to wear an eye patch. Happy holidays?

Apparently I really am trouble. And can now cause bleeding from the face.

A Conversation

2009-12-05T22:05:00.000-08:00

Last night a few friends and I went to a bar for a birthday party. We ended the evening at a serious dive bar with quite possibly the most interesting clientele I have seen in Los Angeles. There was the creepy guy with the neck brace who spent the entire night on the nudie video poker machine, smiling and the bartender was 65 and kept asking what the ingredients were in drinks including Maker's Mark on the rocks. No joke.

However, the highlight of the evening was the following exchange which happened after I spotted a legitimate twitching, scratching capri pants wearing crackhead enter the bar.

Me: There's a crackhead in the bar!

Ava: A red head?

Me: No! A crackhead!

Our friend Mike: A Kraken?

Me: Who the fuck are you Pegasus? No! Not a kraken! A crackhead.

Ava and Mike: Ohhh....

Is there anything better than a little mythological humor in a bar? I don't think so.

Nerves

2009-12-02T09:31:00.000-08:00

Tonight I start a new improv class. Thus, I have first day of school jitters. This morning I actually changed my outfit 3 times. Yeah. I am so not that girl and won't even go that far for dates (note to self: may be why you're single). But, I wanted to look casual and not like I just rolled out of the office as I tend to.

You see improv kids are hip. They are all either employed as actors, vintage clothes store managers or oddly, think tank employees. They all have ironic tees and attitudes that said they got laid a lot in high school. Dudes, I'm a nerd. I am decidedly not hip nor did I even hold hands with a boy in high school (fat, had bangs, it wasn't pretty). As such the day of the fist improv class I become 13 again and thus run around in tiny circles of anxiety. This will pass usually by class two when my anxiety turns to having to make the funny in front of strangers with no script.

Just to clarify, this is something I voluntarily do to myself. I have a very warped idea of fun.

An Open Letter

2009-11-30T22:38:00.000-08:00

Dear November,

Dude, you sucked. Sure you had some good times with the turkey and the gross overeating with all of the desserts. Those cookies rocked, November. Rocked it hard. However, the good times were vastly outweighed by the suck. Dear LORD the epic suck. Suck I haven't written about on my little blog because I didn't want internet strangers jumping off bridges on my behalf (and because writing about it would have made it real). I have somehow made it through the suck and am standing here a little more bitter, a little jaded and significantly more chubby due to your one banner day. If I could dance a jig of glee that you are over, November, I would. But I can't due to the leg pain. (Although the pictures were awesome, so kudus on that) Just know I am doing a jig in my head and it is wonderful and jaunty and has jazz hands.

Don't let the door hit you on the ass on the way out,
Me

Sassy Boyfriend

2009-11-29T22:35:00.001-08:00

So my friend Ava is awesome. This I have stated a few times. Together we take trips, laugh and do fancy overpriced dinners. Also, she can cook well and isn't hard on the eyes. Essentially we have the perfect non sexual relationship. Thus, we jokingly call each other boyfriend. It's become kind of known amongst our friends and family that this is the nickname and in fact when I go out with her now my mom says to say hi to my boyfriend for her. It's kind of adorable.

However, I have realized the flaw in this: meeting new people. Specifically on dates. When telling stories (which let's face it, I'm apt to do) I start my stories about Ava with 'so I was out with my boyfriend...' and then I get very awkward looks and clearing of the throat from the other side of the table. Then there is rapid backpedalling and wild hand gesticulations as I try to explain that she's not a real boyfriend just a friend with who I take romantic vacations and spend a lot of my time with. She's my 1950's asexual relationship I say.

Again, uncomfortable stares from the other side of the table. Then I show them a picture of her and all is right with the world, as again, she's stupid hot.

And that's how I spent my night: convincing a suitor I wasn't otherwise engaged and then letting him know he'd be second tier to her for all matters such as vacations and dining. It really is a wonder I'm single.

Movin'?

2009-11-28T22:25:00.002-08:00

So, I have been debating something for awhile now. That something being the potential of moving out of LA. I have some reasons to stay and some very compelling reasons to go. Some of those reasons of course revolve around the fact that it is now mini skirt and Uggs season which makes me want to put sharp things in my eyes and other revolve around wanting to possibly have a house that is larger than 600 square feet. You see, I want this thing called 'space' and a 'yard' and as I am not willing to get plastic surgery and marry a studio exec, I don't see that happening here. Ergo, the debate.

So internet I ask you, where should I move? Currently I am thinking of just chucking it all and becoming a Cirque du Soleil groupie as those French (ok, Canadian) midgets are awesome. However, that doesn't seem logical really so I am back to square one.

Thoughts?

Fat Man

2009-11-27T18:31:00.000-08:00

Yesterday I was a fat man. I full on passed out after Thanksgiving dinner and have thus become my grandfather. Next up: pants up to my nipples and saying 'Golly' a lot.

Seriously though we ate and ate and ate and then drank and drank and drank. At 8:30 we decided to take a break and put on the classic Christmas film, Die Hard. Roughly 10 minutes in I fell asleep. Not just fell asleep but fell into a deep, deep sleepy and apparently could not be awoken. Thus when I woke up at 10:15 my friend was staring at me and most of the party had gone home. Best house guest EVER. I then woke my other friend and we quietly left...then went back to my place and ate and drank some more. Apparently that was just a power nap and round two couldn't wait.

Today I have lazed about in pajama pants bemoaning my state and working from home. I am now contemplating leaving my house at the early hour of 6:30 as I feel I should see other living things other than my cats. However, that requires pants. Decisions, decisions.

Turkey Day

2009-11-26T09:08:00.000-08:00

Today I am thankful. Period. It's been a rough year, y'all. ROUGH. However, today I am going to forget about that. I am going to cook, cuddle cats, and eat too much surrounded by friends.

Per the request of Becky, here's the recipe to the cookies I proposed to last night: http://www.marthastewart.com/recipe/pumpkin-cookies-with-brown-butter-icing

May you find a baked good that you'd like to marry as well, but back off, these are mine. Our love is pure and real.

Happy Thanksgiving my dears.

Cookin'

2009-11-25T22:16:00.000-08:00

I would like to be asleep at the moment, however I am baking and brining. I have thus far made 5 dozen pumpkin cookies with brown butter icing and the pumpkin cheesecake is in the oven. Apparently I am somehow under the impression that I am cooking for 700 and not 7. However, if it were legal to marry a cookie I would marry the cookies currently in my kitchen. No joke. I think after eating said cookies (I had to sample them) I found the lord. Or something like it which may have been a sugar rush.

After the cheesecake is out of the oven I will put in the biscuits and also throw the carrots in the crockpot. I have decided that sleep is for pussies and my friends needs to gain some weight. This is the only logical reason why I will be cooking until the wee hours of the morning. That or I'm crazy. Toss up really.

I hope you out there get some sleep and that someone is cooking for you.

ACH

2009-11-25T08:53:00.000-08:00

This morning a friend of mine sent me the following article: http://www.washingtoncitypaper.com/blogs/sexist/2009/11/23/the-christian-side-hug-front-hugs-be-too-sinful/

Please be sure to watch the video. Let it all sink in there.

After reading it I decided to invent my own hug called the A.C.H. which stands for the Agnostic Crotch Hug. It's like the regular hug you see, just no arms. Instead, you just tap crotches. I like to think of it as the perfect ice breaker on first dates or company parties. Boy, I can't wait to try it out at all my upcoming holiday events and/or my new improv group. It'll win them over for sure.

Side note- this post made me use the word crotch, aka the worst word in the english language, multiple times. That's how committed I was to this joke. (Or not a joke because I totally plan on doing this.)

D'oh!

2009-11-24T11:47:00.000-08:00

So I totally failed at the whole blogging every day thing (except for the day I fell in Vegas, which was excused due to hilarity). And I have no good reason for missing yesterday other than 'I was sleepy'. Yep. That's my excuse. I needed a nap. Lots of them, strung together, otherwise know as I went to bed at 9:30.

Who's a party animal now, huh?

I actually woke up at 11:30 for a few brief seconds and actually thought about writing a sentence or two and thus achieve the goal but then I remembered just how comfortable my new pillows are and well, it didn't happen.

But my punishment was that I had to get up early and go to physical therapy. Dudes, it hurts, a lot. They like to ask you what hurts and then as you finish the word they jam a pointy finger in that exact spot, look at you with innocent eyes and say 'here?' Yes. THERE. The swollen part that has your finger lodged in it. It's also why my eyes are now watering. And they kind of nod and then not kidding, hit it with a sledgehammer and then light it on fire. Then they pat you on the head and send you to work as they are EVIL. Evil that I pay for and will now subject myself to three times a week for the foreseeable future.

Yay life!

Hodgepodge

2009-11-22T22:18:00.000-08:00

- Today I went to a friend's house to help put up her Christmas tree. For the first four hours we were there we ate and talked about boys. Then as I realized that it was getting late we hurriedly put up the tree. This is how these events should go. Especially since there was fried goat cheese which is my new obsession in life.

- As of late I am obsessed with tattoos. I don't know what's going on but if I meet a boy and he doesn't have ink I immediately ratchet my interest down a couple of notches. This it completely out of the blue and a 180 on what I used to like. Previously I went for the J. Crew preppy and am mildly confused by the turn of events. I'm going with it however, I tend not to meet these boys in my day to day life. I am thinking of going to SilverLake and tracking myself down a hipster with full sleeves. Apparently I just want to make my mother utterly miserable.

- I start improv again in 2 weeks. I am INTENSELY nervous. First of all, it's been awhile and I am out of practice. Second, I am still in my Terminator-esque leg brace. Thirdly I have two shows this time. I have already started practicing deep breathing techniques to calm my nerves. Dudes, I FREAK out before shows. Mostly I stand behind the stage and mutter angrily 'why am I doing this to myself? I have a job! I have a blackberry! I am a responsible adult, dammit! Whhhhyyyyyy?' Charming, no?

Things I Discovered Today

2009-11-21T22:34:00.000-08:00

- Retail Therapy: I have always adamantly hated shopping. Internet, I have learned the errors of my ways. I shopped today and damn, it felt good. Especially because I bought the entire state of California, and it is apparently adorable, and includes tiny ceramic birds.

- Tiny ceramic birds: Can be adorable. Or one step closer to Spinster Town, USA. It's currently up for debate.

- Kiss My Bundt: It's a cake shop that sells teeny tiny little bundt cakes that are ridiculously, out of control delicious. Seriously, they should be illegal, that's how tasty they are. It may be the best red velvet cake I have had in California and my friends, I have had a lot of red velvet cake. If you are in LA and having a bad day, go, neigh, run, you won't regret it. Also it's conveniently located beneath my massage place and cake after a 90 minute massage tastes even better.

- The kindness of strangers: Apparently when getting out of Liz's car I dropped my phone. I realized I was without my phone about two hours later. We assumed I had left it in the car and went back. When we got there I found my phone resting on the door handle, turned screen in so it blended with the car. All we can figure is someone saw me drop it and decided to hide it there as best they could so no one would take it. This is to me, beyond amazing, and totally turned my mood completely around. It made me realize, as mushy as this seems, that there is some good in the world and people can surprise you in the best of ways. So as we drove away, me clutching my phone, I sent the stranger that found my phone very good thoughts and wished for them a lifetime of happiness and amazing sex. Fingers crossed they get it.

Bad Day

2009-11-20T22:51:00.000-08:00

Kids, I have had a ridiculously bad day. So horrible in fact that not even the new Twilight movie could cheer me up. I KNOW. I went, I watched, I am now home. I think it's time to hide under the covers and count down to my massage in the very early morning hours.

Dinner

2009-11-19T23:26:00.000-08:00

I just got home from a business dinner and it is 11:30PM. Dudes, I am tired. And full of very, very, very expensive, very, very tasty pasta. It was so good that we all had to undo our pants to get dessert in there. As I attempted to lift the last spoonful to my mouth, shaking, my assistant asked me how I was fitting it in. I turned to him and said 'dude, do you see this body? This body is powered by flour!' Then we clinked wine glasses and asked for another round of the chocolate tort.

What the What

2009-11-18T23:15:00.001-08:00

Tonight I sat in a circus tent and watched wee little French men fling themselves about in dangerous ways. In other words I went to see Kooza, a Cirque du Soleil show. It was awesome and I highly recommend you check it out if you are in the area. So amazing in fact that when a dude looked like he was going to fall I screamed like a teenager and accidentally grabbed Ava's boob as I panicked. I totally got to second base in a circus tent. Score: 1 for me, 0 for today.

The main thing I took away from the show was: how does one discover that they can do these things? I mean, if you are short and french does the government knock on your door, hand you some spandex and say 'get to stretchin', you've got a destiny!'? I mean I'm bendier than most but I've never thought to myself that I should balance on my head while doing a backbend and then gently rest my feet on my forehead. Apparently in France, that's the norm though and even though I've been to Paris multiple times I imagine that the streets are full of hyper flexible people wearing outfits with codpieces, just like the Cirque team.

My brain is a magical place.

Wake Up Call

2009-11-17T22:47:00.000-08:00

According to the interwebz cats hate the scent of citrus. Of course I trusted this information as why wouldn't I? The internet is where I find things like good deals on shoes and dates. It's my own personal virtual wonderland. So, I had utter confidence that my cats would leave me alone after I applied my new orange scented face lotion.

I was woken up at 4AM by a 22 pound cat sitting on my chest and licking the lotion off my eyebrow. That was the most action I've gotten in months.

Apparently sometimes the internet lies, and not just through out of date photos of potential dates. I'm off to apply more lotion though and hit the sheets. What? It's been slow for me lately and it may save me from having to pluck my eyebrows. I call that multi tasking.

Curious

2009-11-16T21:55:00.000-08:00

I seem to be losing my clothes. If I were, ahem, carnally involved with someone, there would be a logical explanation. However, I spend most of my nights alone with los gatos so that reasoning is out the window. So, this leaves the idea of the invisible gnome who destroyed my glasses OR someone is breaking in and stealing item by item. Again, I figured this out using extreme logic.

But, previously I lost my black cardigan. I had it when I got home and in the morning, gone. Then a tee shirt I use at the gym. Poof. Now my new favorite shirt. This is when I get angry. Take my old cardigan, sure, but the shirt that totally highlights my rack and makes my waist look 2 inches big? OPEN WARFARE. I have spent the evening turning my apartment upside down and inside out and have come up empty handed. However, I did find a dollar bill, a lost book and a treasure trove of socks. I did not however find my clothes. At this rate in 6 months I will have a single sock left and be using my cats to cover up my bathing suit area.

I give up. Damn gnome. I think I'll leave some cookies out for him. Gnomes like Malomars, right?

Hibernating

2009-11-15T20:02:00.000-08:00

Apparently I am part bear and have thus hibernated the vast majority of the weekend. The upside of this: I baked. The downside of this: I can't really move due to the leg brace so I can't burn off the cookies I have now consumed for pretty much every meal. However the cookies have oatmeal and raisins in them so they're practically a salad. And that my friends is how I justify EVERYTHING.

Side note: after a friend dropped me off tonight after my brief foray into the world I noticed some puzzles in her trunk. Apparently she was going to take them to Goodwill as she completed them long ago. So, not only did I take them thus depriving children who would have gotten then, but I am now the single lady who lives alone and does puzzles.

Yeah.

And one of them has cats on it.

Yep. Let that sink in for a second. Perhaps I should get out more? Nah. That's just silly

An Open Letter

2009-11-14T16:56:00.000-08:00

Dear Hipster Girl in My Neighborhood,

Hi there. You don't know me but I see you around a lot. You are noticeable because, well, you're often kind of naked. So let me just say this: that sheer slip you wear as a dress, it's SHEER. Like totally. Especially in the sun. It doesn't matter if you pair it with a chunky pair of Ray Bans, we aren't looking at your face. Also, there's a new rip directly across the ass, not sure if you noticed that. Perhaps you did. And perhaps that's why you decided to go commando this morning. Wise choice. Especially in front of all those kids at the pet adoption faire. They had to learn about the female form sometime, right? All I can say is this, we get it. You are cute and irreverent. You don't care about societies rules! Screw them! You can dress the way you want and still drive that BMW with a coexist bumper sticker! However, next time you wear the sheet slip as a dress with no underwear you may want to a get a wax first. Just sayin'.

Thanks for making me want to punch myself in the face repeatedly,
Me

Girl's Night

2009-11-13T23:01:00.001-08:00

So Liz and I are sitting around in sweat pants drinking as I am, well, broken and can't be seen in public. While discussing Oprah, as you are wont to do in my house, and how she may console herself I said the following:

'Oprah can console herself by rolling around in piles of her own money. If I did that there'd be lots of quarters stuck to my ass.'

Then we giggled and then I wrote about it on the internet.

Happy Friday.

Vegas The Final Day

2009-11-12T20:40:00.000-08:00

Sleeping in a leg immobilizer is difficult. It becomes slightly easier if you consume all the vodka in the world and then take a Vicodin. Then you'll sleep until 3PM. This is of course only after you text message every person in your phone explaining that you fell down and went boom. And if you're me in this situation, you'll also text message your most recent ex. Oops?

The girls got up with me and asked if I was ready to head home. No, no I was not. Here's why: we fought the worst traffic in the history of mankind to get there. We had come with a goal to get good and kissed and forget all of our problems. Since I could not do this, they had to go out for me. They were going to have fun, dammit, if it killed me.

So we all got ready and I took them to a champagne tasting. (Side note, if you are on crutches seriously have Liz and Ava with you as one will walk in front screaming for people to get out of the way and the other will yell at people who don't. It's fairly awesome. ) As Ava is The Best Mom in the World she let me have 3 glasses of bubbly (shhh...don't tell Liz). Then I headed upstairs to go to sleep. At 11PM. In Vegas. The girls waved good bye and off they went to dance and mingle and have fun. I watched a documentary on otters.

Let me repeat that: in Las Vegas, in a free suite, in a leg immobilizer, I watched a documentary on otters. Oh yeah. Livin' it up. Do I know how to vacation or what?

The girls got home at 4AM and collapsed into bed. Then I made them get up at 7AM to drive my broken ass home as I'm evil. Also, I had cats to cuddle and blog posts to write about super exciting otter documentaries. I have priorities people.

Vegas Part 2

2009-11-11T22:10:00.001-08:00

We arrived at the ER in a cab and I was immediately put into a wheelchair. Liz took control of steering me as the staff clearly wanted no part of our shenanigans. People, the first window you encounter in the Vegas ER is a mirror. Apparently the check in lady is sitting behind said mirror to take your information. This does not compute when drunk. So much so that you will have this conversation:

Me: It's a mirror!

Lady behind mirror (LBM): Hi ma'am how can I help you?

Me: The mirror is talking to me! Hello me in the mirror! Why do you have to say?

LBM: Ma'am, I am behind the mirror. Can I have your insurance card.

Me: (confused) Liz, why is there a mirror? Are you trying to tell me to fix my hair? And why does the mirror want my wallet? Is the mirror a thief?

This went on for awhile. We eventually figured it out and got checked in and thus sat about waiting. By sat about waiting I mean hosted a photo shoot in the ER. Yeah. There are roughly 50 pictures of me in a wheelchair pointing at my leg, licking my insurance card and befriending Tanisha who was also waiting for a friend. Let's just say they are classy and I now have the cover for my upcoming Christmas card.

Finally I got called in. Alone. As per Liz they have a 'no drunk bitches in the ER rule'. This is a rule I fought. I demanded a friend and finally for fear of a drunken rampage they let me have one. I asked if it was Sophie's Choice and asked for both which they did not appreciate. So, I told them to bring me the tall brunette one. Apparently the tall brunette one and the blonde one were outside eating a bag of potato skins and could not be found. Thus I called them. Apparently the phone fell into said potato skins bag and when Liz finally came into the room to meet me said the two following things:

'This hospital sucks! They don't sell cigarettes and they don't make change!' and 'you were small and angry and yelling at me from inside a potato skins bag! How'd you do that?' And then we took more pictures.

The nurse came by at that moment and handed me the protection vest for XRays. I could only find one loop so I figured it was a halter top style and slipped it over my head. Internet, it was not a halter top style and the nurse laughed so hard at me she almost wet her pants. Finally it was deduced that I had dislocated my kneecap (which I had told them) and needed a leg immobilizer. Then they left for a long, long time. So we had to make our own fun. First I took my temperature with the machine on the wall (an orderly walking by stopped, called me weird, and left) and then Liz went through my purse looking for a chapstick. Instead she found two packets of instant oatmeal I had thrown in there for work and had forgotten about. When inebriated and in an ER there is nothing better than finding instant oatmeal in your purse. Why? Well because now you have more props for a photoshoot. Which you will host from your hospital bed. And this is how your doctor will find you: half naked (they took away my pants for the xrays, apparently I then told 3 hospital workers that my underpants were sheer), wearing a spangley shirt, lipstick freshly applied, holding a packet of instant oatmeal on either side of your head while your friend takes pictures. It is then they will slap on your leg brace and send you the hell home.

And this is how I ended up back in the Palazzo, walking with crutches and hospital socks, carrying my shoes at 7AM.

Vegas Part 1

2009-11-10T20:19:00.000-08:00

So here's where I finally post about Vegas. Has the anticipation been killing you? No? Ok, well, I'll post anyway.

On Friday afternoon my dear friends Liz and Ava and I hopped in my car, cranked the iPod and pointed our car towards Las Vegas. We then didn't move for 4 hours. In no way am I exaggerating when I say it took us 4 hours to go 35 miles. It was the worst traffic I have ever encountered. We amused ourselves by taking pictures of us making sad faces. That lasted approximately an hour. Then I spent the next three hours alternately weeping and threatening to stab all drivers in the face AND cursing out our extreme lateness. We were due to meet my uncle at 9PM, you see and I was unshowered.

Cut to 8:30 and we arrived at the hotel. You have never seen three girls get ready so quickly. That thing called modesty went straight out the window. There was a lot of naked, internet. A lot. I think officially all three of us are married in several states now due to what was seen. However, at 8:55 we were ready and walked out. I have never been so proud in my life.

At the club due to the rushing and the madness and the general stabby feelings we drank a lot. And by a lot I mean more than most people drink in a month. We danced on top of platforms. We drank vodka straight out of bottles. We flirted with 23 year olds and it was awesome. The first sign the night may go awry was when I was dancing on a platform and full on whacked my head on a corner. When I asked Liz for ice she handed me a single cube on a napkin. Luckily Ava jumped in and handed me more ice, which I applied to my head whilst I continued to sip from my drink. Wise choice. Getting stark raving drunk would come in handy shortly...

At approximately 2:45AM they took away the ropes around our table and it was open to the public. Apparently one of the public spilled their drink, chock full of ice. Not seeing this I walked through the mess in my incredibly high heels and well, I slipped. I slipped hard....and dislocated my knee. I at this point looked up laughing and internet, I shit you not, I pushed my knee cap back in by my hand. Yep. And then I got up, handed a bottle of vodka to Liz and insisted I was fine. Then I got to the stairs. Stairs are not your friend when you are limping and drunk. While standing there trying to figure out how I was going to get down them I was approached by two sober club employees. Thank the Lord for them. They carried me down the stairs and called an EMT. By the point the girls had shown up and it was declared I needed to go to the Vegas ER. At 3AM. On a Friday. With two very drunk friends in tow.

And that's the story that will continue tomorrow.

Feline

2009-11-09T20:57:00.000-08:00

Today, I was a cat. I woke up, ate and then went back to sleep. All in I have slept 18 hours. I am now even more jealous my cats. This is due to Vegas recovery and also copious amounts of vicodin. However due to both of these things I am not what one would call coherent. In fact, it took me two attempts to write that sentence.

So, the Vegas post will happen tomorrow. Right after my visit with the orthopedic surgeon.

Vegas: The Weecap

2009-11-08T21:04:00.001-08:00

So more to come tomorrow after I have recovered a bit more, however just know the following:

- the first thing they ask you in the Vegas ER is 'how much have you had to drink tonight?'

- Vicoden is awesome

Yesterday

2009-11-06T10:23:00.000-08:00

Yesterday Liz was having a rough day. I was at a dinner in her neighborhood and decided to swing by afterward. She was waiting on her front stoop waiting for me so I decided to make the most of it. Getting out of my car I walked in slow motion, flung my arms open and serenaded her with Open Arms. I think had she not been having such an immensely crappy day she would have appreciated it more. Or, it's an explanation as to why I'm single. Whichever.

Now to pack for Vegas.

A Valiant Effort

2009-11-05T15:32:00.000-08:00

I am attempting to do the whole blog every day in the month of November thing. Notice the word attempting. This is due to the fact that tomorrow I will put Ava and Liz in my car and I will drive us to Vegas. Where there is bottle service. And a lack of morals. Ergo, I am not sure blogs will happen on Saturday or Sunday. Or they will and they will be drunken or just mobile uploads of my shoes. Tough call.

But, things have gone awry in all of our world's lately so I decided the only cure for this was to apply copious amounts of vodka. Luckily my uncle is still there and still going through his late life crisis and thus is welcoming us with open arms.

Oh, it will be good. If you see a car with three girls loudly singing along to Journey, wave and say hi.

Uranus

2009-11-04T23:14:00.001-08:00

So today Liz and I did the chart of a boy. Because we're hippies like this. Upon me discussing the chart with her we realized that he has Uranus in the 5th house, aka the house of pleasure. Internet, there is nothing funnier than having Uranus in your pleasure house.

The conversation went something like this:

Me: Uranus dictates his pleasure.

Her: Uranus is opposed to mine, meaning Uranus brings me no happiness.

Me: Have you discussed Uranus with him? And how it's not bringing you pleasure at the moment?

This went on for, oh, 90 minutes. There were tears of laughter. And this is why I love astrology.

Halloween, the final recap

2009-11-03T21:38:00.001-08:00

- Here's a tip from me to you, when you buy glitter body spray put this on outdoors. Or, if you like me, are a little slow, don't apply it when standing in front of your air conditioner, next to a pile of clean laundry, and being stared at by a cat. This will cause the gold glitter spray to go EVERYWHERE. It is harder to remove from your cat than you think. Also, coworkers will stare at you, mouth agape, for many days afterward when you walk around with glitter covering everything. If that happens, well, just roll with it and tell people you are just exploring your Spice Girls side. They'll buy it. Or at least nod and back slowly away.

- My office fort lost the contest. This may have been that I accidentally pegged one of the judges in the eye with candy. You see, I sat in my fort and when I heard the door open I chucked candy over the fort walls. How was I to know he had really slow reflexes? It did however make the day incredibly amusing. I really recommend doing this for yourself. Even if it's not office sponsored.

- This year I only went to two parties. I was due to go to many more but the 2nd one had very cute boys to stare at. Ergo, we stayed put.

- I had more to write but I just got back from dinner where my friends and I split the best apple pie in the history of the universe and now I am tired. I am an old man who has to take naps after food. P-A-R-T-Y up in here!

Halloween, Part 2

2009-11-02T18:58:00.000-08:00

So Liz and I went to a party in a cemetery. This is not the story however. The story is that we got inebriated and somehow my glasses got stepped on. I, personally, blame a gnome I call Sammy. It's the only logical explanation.

Thus, on Saturday I bought some super glue and set forth to MacGyver the shit out of them. I did, and in the process super glued myself to well, myself. There was lots of glue all over my hands. Fingers stuck to other fingers, thumbprints made of glue on my hand and thumbprints made of glue on the lenses of my glasses. Yay MacGyver! I called Liz (dialing with my nose) and asked how to remove superglue. She verbally shrugged and suggested peeling it off. And that's what I spent the next 3 hours doing once I unstuck myself from myself.

Later that evening we were at yet another party. Walking down the stairs my sandal caught in the gap of the step and my sandal broke. As I exclaimed this and my friend Ava said 'oh no!' Liz excitedly looks at me and in all seriousness asked 'Did you bring your super glue?' Because, in her mind, it was totally logical that in my tiny handbag I had packed the glue. Once I said no, Ava had to sit down due to laughing so hard she could no longer breathe.

And this is why I love Halloween and Liz. I do not however love gnomes named Sammy.

Ah Halloween

2009-11-01T20:43:00.000-08:00

I am still recovering from last night and the epic nature of the last week so this post may a bit short. Mostly because I am only able to speak in short choppy sentences.

Last night at a party however I made a new friend. This friendship was based on our mutual love of candy corn in a party full of candy corn haters. She got really adamant about her love and thus we had the following conversation with the group. I'm not sure if it's as funny out of context, but at the time I laughed so hard I had to sit down due to weeping.

Her: They should do an Iron Chef where candy corn in the main ingredient. Seriously, it's that good.
Random dude: A whole episode? What else can you make out of candy corn except candy corn?
Her: Anything! I would make dumplings, stews, elaborate chicken dishes. Dumplings. Yeah. Mostly dumplings.

And then we googled candy corn recipes on our phones. Shockingly, there aren't any.

Then for the next hour I would just randomly say 'mostly dumplings' and laugh again. In fact, I've been doing that again today. Alone. In my house. Wearing snowman pajama pants. Can you say winner?

A Year Ago

2009-10-27T13:27:00.000-07:00

So we all know that I am a total hippie and do weird things like smudge my apartment and keep my acupuncturist on speed dial. Well, I also keep my astrologist's number handy at all times.

Oh yeah, soak in the level of crazy. It's awesome. And tie dyed.

So anyway, there is this wonderful thing called Saturn Returns that hits for 2 years, generally between the ages of 28 and 30. Mine hit a bit early and ended about 4 weeks ago. In it, lives are restructured, shit hits fans, people buy penguin slippers. It's nasty and fun and life altering. And per my astrologist I have the most difficult one he's ever seen in 30 years. Yay me! Can I get a cake that says that? 'Your life sucked more than most for 2 whole years!' Woo! Ponies for everyone!

But seriously y'all, it did. It was rough and I am so proud of myself for still standing. So here I am, having in theory gotten through the worst of it. This last year has forever altered me in really good ways I think. It was horrible going through it and I am still piecing myself back together, but I learned so fucking much. So much that a few minutes ago when discussing with a friend where I was a year ago, I don't even recognize that person. A year ago yesterday was the first day I 'met' Texas. A year ago today I was taking pictures of an apartment for Adam to move into when he came to LA. It is in my building and we were both so excited he could live that close. Our quote was 'It will be like Melrose Place but with less sex and more cats!'

So very much has changed in such a short period of time and I'm still gaining my footing. But, I'm still standing. Still healing and growing and changing. And that makes me happy.

I Am Old

2009-10-26T09:35:00.000-07:00

On Saturday a friend and I got up oh so very early and headed out to Catalina. The goal was to horseback ride and hike. Upon arriving we found out the stables had been shut down. Thus we decided to paddle boat.

Internet, paddle boating is much harder than I remember. Especially when it's on the ocean and hello, waves. It was like taking a spin class, but wetter. After about 10 minutes we looked at each other and debated heading back in. Deciding that was lame, we persevered and stayed out for about two hours. This was mostly because as we got closed to the bay it A) got easier and B) there were Manta rays which you could see through the clear water. That was severely awesome. Also because each of us didn't want to seem lame so we were waiting for the other to call uncle. I finally did and she almost wept with happiness.

Upon returning to shore though, was less awesome. We stood up and both of our legs turned to rubber. The only cure we felt was ice cream, logically. And thus, we sat and it was good. The end.

We did in fact hike and then we shopped...and then we encountered the most obnoxious wedding party in the history of mankind. Apparently it's wedding season in Catalina. We were literally stalked by four different wedding parties and accidentally ate lunch about 6 inches from another. Fun, fun times. (I really hope you can tell that's sarcasm, but in case you can't, it was). However, nothing compared to the party that was on the ferry home with us. The 1.5 hour ferry... two tables away from us. Apparently the bride and groom (who were, to quote my friend, intensely icky and prone to sticking their tongues down each others throats very graphically) had eloped and taken along their group of close friends. The group was...interesting. Apparently they'd all gotten very different memos about the wedding. One was in a tux and another in sweat pants. They all though did get the memo about drinking. All I can say is I am now afraid of booze. If you can make you that big of a jackass well, then I don't really want a part of it. The sweatpants dude was slamming his body against the window of the ship trying to amuse the people inside. (Hint: not amusing) I literally had to restrain my friend from throwing things at them. This was only because I didn't want to be forced to swim home which I feared may be the punishment. Otherwise? Shoes would have been flying.

Luckily we docked and no one was injured. Except for my friend and I. It was only upon returning to the car that we realized that paddle boating had injured our backs... as we're 80 years old. We were due to go to a BBQ that night so I dropped her home and then went off to get showered and ice my back. It was then we started texting each other about our various injuries and then each fell asleep on our respective couches by 9:45. PARTY. I don't think I have ever felt so old in my life but seriously, I could have watched a couple episodes of Matlock and been pretty content.

Then last night I spray painted myself gold and went to a party. But that's a story for another time.

How I Spend My Time Part 2

2009-10-22T09:58:00.000-07:00

So my company is having a contest for Halloween for most creative decorations desk/office decorations. I am thinking of building a fort around my desk. Why? BECAUSE I LIKE FORTS. And, well, they gave me an excuse to build one. As such, I have spent the last day drawing out how to accomplish this using my existing office furniture and some sheets.

Yeah. I have. Again, I use my time wisely.

I have now enlisted my two assistants. I have also declared that for the Halloween party we should dress up in pajamas because, well, I like pajamas. It also gives me an excuse as to why I'm wearing my penguin slippers in public.

My fort will also include pillows and I am trying to craft a hammock under my desk. You know, for general fort purposes (and napping). I am so in to this idea I have already decided to come in an hour early on the day off to decorate.

Nope. Not dating much these days, why do you ask?

How I Spend My Time

2009-10-20T11:22:00.000-07:00

So thinks have a been a bit, well, bad in the land of me lately. I have been mopey and depressed. It's super awesome, I assure you. As such, I have been spending a lot of time alone. In this alone time I wandered through my local Target when I discovered something wonderful, something that would life my spirts.

I found pet Halloween costumes.

Internet, I dressed my cat up like a chicken. He really, really hated it. I did not. I tried to dress my other cat up like a pumpkin but sadly his giant size meant the pumpkin hat did not fit. There was great disappointment in the Meghan land, but then I took another picture of my chicken cat and giggled evilly to myself.

And this is how I amuse myself. It really and truly is a wonder I'm single.

Here's a different angle. In this one you can actually feel the shame.

Fun Facts

2009-10-15T17:07:00.001-07:00

- I have the song "Every Time You Go Away (You Take a Piece of Me with You)" stuck in my head. This is not due to a boy, but due to a sing along held in a car yesterday while driving back from a meeting. Let's just say, I rocked the house. Also according to another person in the car when I go for the high notes I sound like a dying goat. I take offense to that, I think it's more of an injured sheep.

- I am obsessed with cardigans. So much so that I spent a good hour today looking at them online. Mostly because yesterday it was 62 degrees and today it's 80. Fall was fun while it lasted for those wonderful 48 hours.

- I am having a bad hair day and thus am wearing a jaunty hat. My head is incredibly warm.

- For 15 minutes today I thought it was Friday. I walked around whistling and smiling at people. Then I realized it was Thursday and thus pouted. Maturity is over rated.

- Yesterday was a shockingly horrible no good very bad day. But, America's Next Top Model was on and I had on my penguin slippers so it ended on a good note. Also, I had ice cream for dinner as again, clearly I'm a responsible adult.

- I had a drinks date tonight but it got canceled. I can not tell you how overjoyed I am about this. Have I not mentioned the oh so comfy slippers? Seriously. How over going out do you have to be to reach that level? BECAUSE I AM THERE. I like my house. A lot. I don't spend nearly enough time there. This will be rectified tonight by a classic session of 'sitting around in my underpants and doing absolutely nothing'. Life. Is. Good.

The Weekend: A Recap

2009-10-14T09:02:00.000-07:00

Dudes, my weekend was most awesome. Seriously, way beyond expectations which is hard as I set the bar crazy out of reach high. Perhaps this is why I'm single? Eh, whatever.

So on Friday night Ms. Liz came over and we carved of the pumpkins. Generally this entails me making 2 triangle eyes and giving up. However, as Liz is what some would call 'crafty' and I would refer to as 'dear sweet christ, you made your whole apartment out of yarn somehow' she brought over wood carving tools. Only two minor injuries later and I made of the best jack-o-lantern ever. Please meet my new boy, Chunk.

He's special.

Liz's pumpkin was, well, better than mine. And yours. And every pumpkin ever.

Moral: Don't fuck with Liz and her wood carving tools. Also, those things are sharp. Ouch.

On Saturday Ava and I headed up to Morro Bay. We kayaked. We drank wine. We stayed in a glitter hotel room. Oh yes... the room we were assigned at the Madonna Inn was covered in purple glitter. It was amazing. Oh, and haunted. Our TV would randomly turn on and at ever increasing volume levels. Most people would have unplugged the TV and/or hired and exorcist. We thought of neither of these things and instead went out to dinner and giggled about the fact that Liberace was clearly haunting our most tacky surroundings.

Don't believe me? Please enjoy this photo of our bathroom.

Take it all in folks. Now imagine that in person when you are shall we say, a smidgen buzzed. Hilarity ensues. There were photo shoots and general prancing about in the hotel provided pink robes. Oh and these slippers:

Because yeah, I bought those. You see at first I made fun of them. And then? Then I touched them. They are, no joke, the softest thing in the history of the universe. so I of course bought them and made sweet, sweet love to them. Or you know, insisted on wearing them at all times.

After a long night of laughing, slippers and wine we slept briefly in the Haunted Hotel Room of Doom and then headed to Hearst Castle. It's pretty. The end. Seriously, no exciting stories out of the castle other than tours apparently turn me in to a petulant 13 year old boy who will stand around with hands shoved in pockets grumbling about not being able to touch stuff. Because I'm mature AND awesome. You should check it out though as again, pretty. Who doesn't enjoy endless rooms of shiny stuff? (Just don't drag me along unless you want to hear someone whining)

I have no real way to end this post other than to say, man, I needed this weekend. It was wonderful and full of laughter and love and stories of Adam. So...um...yay. Enjoy more pictures:

Morro Bay rock as seen from breakfast

Inside the Hearst movie theater

Lamps by the pool

Weekend Shenanigans

2009-10-09T09:22:00.000-07:00

This weekend I am dragging a friend kayaking with me. You see about a month back I created a life list inspired by Maggie. And number 49 on that list is 'Stay at the Madonna Inn'. For no other reason than A) it looks awesome with it's hilarious, individually decorated rooms and B) it's a former whorehouse. Ergo, we are going kayaking and staying at the Inn. Sadly, we were not assigned to the Cave Man room.

However, the reason for this trip is not solely so I can cross the item off the list. But also, this Saturday would have been my dear friend Adam's birthday. As I picked my friend (let's call her Ava) up at his memorial service (they were friends and I had for some reason never met her, but liked her immediately and was drawn to her ability to knock back martinis) we felt it was appropriate to spend this day together. At a former whorehouse. Which I think would make Adam smile.

So here's to checking another item off the list, staying in a room decorated like Mardi Gras and toasting to one of the best people I have ever or will ever come across. Adam, I love you. And this whorehouse is for you.

Why I Love the Internet

2009-10-08T10:31:00.001-07:00

I am something of an internet addict. I mean, how could you not be? On the internet I can find shoes, men and videos of people doing odd yet awesome things.

Like this:

I have now informed coworkers that we should make a similar video but with Journey. And dance movies. And possibly glitter. They have politely declined. Guess it's up to me and the cats.

Oh and also, people find my blog in the weirdest of ways. Some of them make sense: googling 'cats and drunk' for example. Leads ya right to me. But the latest one: 'online dating for 11 year olds'. Um... A)WTF and B) They were lead here by my post on Britney Spears. Either that person is a pedophile or someone who wants to help their kids get an early start on heart break and awkward encounters.

Hodgepodge

2009-10-07T09:52:00.001-07:00

- This weekend I had planned on laying low and decorating. Spending time by myself and hitting the gym at least 4 times. I know, I live on the edge! Woo! Instead I was surrounded by friends the entire time and ate my weight in pasta. I also drank during the day and revived the California economy single-handedly. Reviving the economy and day drinking go hand in hand in the most spectacular way. It was awesome and I can safely say that I had much, much more fun than sitting alone and crocheting would have been.

- Lately I have been out of words. I'm not sure whats up exactly but it seems to be a plague on all of my blogging friends lately. None of us have updated at all, ever. I can assure you that when we get together we have words and don't just sit around staring at each other, blinking in Morse code, but when faced with an empty blogger screen? Nada. It's perplexing.

- On Friday after getting some interesting news about an ex I went to Liz's house with a giant bottle of amaretto. Together, with our powers combined, we drank that bottle. We then drew on her porch with sidewalk chalk. Internet, Liz, my germaphobic love rolled on the sidewalk while laughing. I felt you should know that. Also, we invented an animal that is half bear, half cougar called The Bougar. I can assure you that after many glasses of girly amaretto based drinks the word 'Bougar' is shocking fun to say. Hell, it's fun now. Bougar. Bougar. Bougar. I dare you not to say it and giggle. Also, after laughing about bougars for awhile I recommend you nap on Liz's couch for a few hours. It's quite comfortable and her tiny, tiny cat will sleep on your head.

Ah, LA

2009-09-30T08:49:00.001-07:00

As much as I complain about it sometimes I really love Los Angeles. Sure, people can't drive and a size 8 is considered obese, but, occasionally you get to see really awesome things.

Like Steve Wozniak. On a Segway. Wearing a fanny pack. Drinking a Big Gulp.

I think I literally clapped in my car and said 'yay'. It was just such a weird and awesome sighting at 1PM on a Tuesday. Also, his assistant was on a matching Segway next to his and he was clearly dictating something. I want that to be my life. Minus the fanny pack of course.

Adventure Weekend

2009-09-28T09:45:00.001-07:00

So this weekend was Adventure Weekend. When saying that you must say it in a sing song voice and do jazz hands. Which is just what we did about every 20 minutes when getting lost, encountering odd things, or having things spilled on me.

So on Saturday Liz and I decided to head to downtown LA and check out the Red Bull soapbox derby. To do so we made the executive decision to take the subway. As I had taken it once before (livin' on the edge!) I figured this would be easy as there is roughly 2 lines, the end. And it would have been... had we known the stop. The conversation went like this:

Me: So what stop is it?
Liz: Um... it's on Grand Ave, and I think it said the Grand Ave. stop.
Me: Good enough for me, Grand Ave. here we come!

Readers, it was not the Grand Ave. stop. It was about 1.5 miles from the Grand Ave. stop. And in fact the Grand Ave. stop is well... in a bit of a rough neighborhood. (Also, side note, on the train was the world's smelliest man who coughed directly into Liz's hair for about 10 minutes. He ended up moving but was probably about 3 seconds away from death. We did get to name him though: Typhoid Harry.) But, as it was ADVENTURE DAY we went with it and hightailed it the hell out of there on foot.

Arriving at the derby about 30 minutes later we encountered this:

Yeah. It was a bit crowded. We hung out for about 20 minutes, just in time to see the Neverending Story soapbox (it ruled, I cheered) and then hightailed it to the nearest pub. It was upon rounding the corner towards the pub that we realized there was a subway stop RIGHT THERE. Like directly next to us, 2 feet away. Liz and I stared at each other, blinking, for about 5 minutes, shrugged and then drank. On the plus side getting home was significantly easier.

After getting home, we rested and then went to a birthday party. We were there approximately 45 minutes before a wee, very drunk girl, tripped and spilled her cosmo directly down the neck of my shirt. Internet, cosmos are sticky. After I dried off a bit I attempted to stick it out. And stick I did. To every available surface. There is nothing like a sugar coated sticky ass to round out Adventure Day 1.

Adventure Day 2 was a friend and I heading to the beach with her dog. Driving up the PCH we suddenly hit bad traffic. Like total stop. We sat there for about 15 minutes, engine off when we heard that the PCH was closed due to a bad accident. We decided to reroute over the canyon because how long could that take, right? 20 minutes? No... an hour. An hour of very winding roads. With a dog on my lap. A dog who gets car sick. Well...I got sharted on. Yes. I did. A dog sharted on me. On a mountain road. Above cloud level.

Adventure Day!

Thirty minutes later we arrived at the beach and I changed clothes. We then sat around and watched the sunset, drove to eat Italian food and went home. And then I threw my original outfit away. RIP awesome purple tank top.

Despite the unwanted substances directly on me it was an odd and wonderful weekend.

Now That Was Fun

2009-09-25T09:52:00.000-07:00

Dudes, if you can, go to a Britney concert. The show itself is rad and all around good times but the people watching? CHRIST ON A CRACKER. It is Amazing, capital A.

First of all, there were oh so many chicks dressed up like Britney. In front of us in line for beer were two girls who had handmade their costumes. There was Britney from Toxic and Britney from Slave For You. One even had the same tattoos as Brit. That is what I like to call 'dedication to a cause' or 'fucking delusional, no seriously'. Obviously they also did not resemble her in shall we say, body shape. Listen, I know the size of my ass and thus how to dress for it. I would not in any state of sobriety prance about one square inch of fabric. These chicks apparently haven't gotten the memo. I wanted to sit down the Toxic Britney and just say no, repeatedly, like one would when training a puppy. But alas, I could not.

Also, apparently parents taking their children to the concert thought it was ok to dress their preteens like hookers. I can not tell you how many 10, 11 and 12 year old girls I saw in pleather leggings, mini skirts and heels that even Hollywood Blvd hookers would call tacky.

My friend and I literally could not force ourselves to leave the main hall and take our seats, because in doing so we would lose all of these wonderful sites. We did however, take our seats...behind two girls dressed for prom. Thank you Britney, thank you oh so very much.

As A Reminder

2009-09-23T11:11:00.001-07:00

I'm 29.

Tonight I am going to the Britney Spears concert. I will dance, sing along and scream like a 12 year old. It will be awesome, because unlike 12 year old girls, I can buy beer.

The tickets were a gift from a group that I work with. As such I will be sitting very close to the stage. I may be able to actually see the lip syncing! The timing could not be better. I need some splashy, ridiculous fun dammit. I'm thinking tonight will deliver.

Maturity is overrated. Viva le pop concert!

Ups and Downs

2009-09-21T09:51:00.000-07:00

So this weekend was interesting. I started it at the gun range shooting skeet and ended it by breaking up with someone. Oh and in the middle I cooked a 9 course french dinner from scratch.

Let's start with the ups. I got to stand around with a 12 gauge shotgun and yell 'PULL' for about an hour. That fucking ruled the school. Dudes, it was so much fun. I so recommend it if just to feel like an amazing bad ass for an hour. Really, standing around holding a giant gun makes you feel like the Terminator. Or maybe that's just me.

Saturday I threw a belated birthday party for a friend of mine. As I love her to bits and pieces I went a wee tiny bit overboard. As such I decided that I should cook 9 courses, all from scratch. It took roughly 20 full hours but it was so worth it. Everything was delicious and I did a jig of glee when my souffle came out. No, seriously. Others witnessed it. While some may be embarrassed by that, I am not. Why? Because I made a cheese souffle on my first try.

So... the boy. I didn't mention him here because I am trying to keep that aspect of my life a bit more private. But, it's definitely accounted for my lack of posts as of late. He's an amazing guy, probably one of the best I've ever met...but the timing was super off. As such we had probably one of the most mutual and amicable break ups in the history of the world. I'm not closing the door entirely on him, and at the very least will absolutely remain friends with him. It however, still sucks. Stupid heart. Stupid dating. Even when you're the one initiating the conversation and pulling the plug, it still hurts more than you think it will.

I guess this means I'm back out there. Efffff.

Computer Fall Down, Go Boom

2009-09-17T21:30:00.000-07:00

So last weekend I decided to be all domestic and make pancakes from scratch. As such I hauled my computer into the kitchen so I could see the recipe online. I've mentioned I'm a klutz, right?

Yeah. This doesn't end well.

About, oh, 2 minutes into cooking I spilled vegetable oil all over my computer. Dumped the full bottle on the keyboard is more accurate. Luckily a friend was over and he's a computer genius so he leapt into action. I ran around in small circles. He wisely decided that my 6 year old laptop probably needed to be backed up. So we put it on the table and hooked up my external hard drive, got it all backin' up, and left.

Let's repeat that. We left my computer, open, covered in oil on a table. In a house with cats that well, look like this:

Upon returning home a few hours later the computer was laying on its side on the floor. It was however completely licked clean of oil, so that's a plus. But, on the downside now only the t, g, b, r, and the q keys worked. As simple as my blogging language is I do from time to time require vowels. So I played taps for my computer, shed a single tear and then refused to buy a new one. Because I'm logical (and broke).

I insisted I could get by with my new fancy web enabled phone and my computer in my office. This lasted for approximately 5 days. Then I spent a large sum of money on a shiny new Mac. Now on day three of owning said new shiny Mac I can only say this: internet, I don't need a man, I have found one my true love. He's perfect and one day I hope we can make our love legal in all 50 states. Fingers crossed.

Upon Discussing Health Care

2009-09-16T12:57:00.000-07:00

Me (12:52:37 PM): wanna move to canada?
Liz(12:52:45 PM): packing my fucking bags
Me(12:52:54 PM): just think, we can wear scarves a lot
Me(12:52:57 PM): I look good in scarves
Liz(12:53:10 PM): is it just me? or is that THE MOST RIDICULOUS FUCKING IDEA EVER?
Me(12:53:23 PM): it's pretty damn stupid
Liz(12:53:28 PM): livid.
Me(12:53:47 PM): I like the fact there's a fine for not having insurance
Me (12:53:51 PM): that's fun for the whole family!
Liz(12:55:11 PM): FUCKING LIVID
me 12:55:34 PM): we could also move to the UK
Me(12:55:37 PM): they have fun accents
me 12:55:40 PM): and are all closet drinkers
me(12:55:43 PM): so we'd blend
me (12:55:46 PM): you like fish and chips
Liz(12:55:47 PM): yes please.
me(12:55:48 PM): I like curry
me(12:55:52 PM): the end
Liz (12:55:55 PM): canadians are nice. i'd stick out.
me (12:56:03 PM): we'll buy a castle. those are cheap there, right?
Liz (12:56:12 PM): no clue
me (12:56:20 PM): yeah, totally cheap all through europe
me(12:56:23 PM): at least in my plan
Liz(12:56:30 PM): exc. plan
me (12:56:37 PM): that's why I'm in charge, Liz

Eek!

2009-09-10T09:29:00.000-07:00

Dudes, it's been awhile. Apologies, apologies. You see I went to Seattle and while there fell under a giant pile of stress known as 'over working'. Like 20 hour days followed by 2 to 3 hours of sleep. It was super. Then, apparently there was an outbreak of the swine flu IN THE BUILDING I WAS WORKING AT and, I believe, two people died. So, in panic I spent two days running around in small circles, stopping to take my temperature and then running again. Because y'all, I'm delicate like a fucking flower. I once got a cold because someone two counties over sneezed. Ergo when people start dropping due to le flu de swine in my IMMEDIATE VICINITY I start calling my loved ones and checking to see who would take my cats.

So, there's that.

I flew home on 2 hours of sleep, cooked a dinner for 20 and stayed up far too late. Again. Then in the morning I got a root canal. I don't know if you've ever been struck by lightening in the face but I swear I have. (Squeamish turn away) You see, he had to inject Novocaine directly into the root of my tooth because apparently I'm immune. Yeah. I am. It hurt. A lot. So, I have spent the last 48 hours not sleeping or eating and just watching really crappy reality tv. Side note, I love me some America's Next Top Model, I really do. I am now back on my feet and attempting solid foods. Look at me, livin' it up!

Luckily last night I slept like a damn champ. Seriously if awards were given out for deep sleeping I would be given one for last night's showing. So now I am able to see straight and have words back. Yay words! Rejoice!

Now excuse me while I go run around in circles again because it's become something of a habit.

This Time I Remembered!

2009-09-02T11:23:00.001-07:00

I'm leaving town today. I know, I know. You are shocked. This time I am gone until Labor Day. Woo! Working on a holiday weekend! Fun times, huh? You know what's also fun? Flying when sick. In a middle seat. For 3 hours.

Fun fucking times, my friends. Fun fucking times.

Being as I have a new fancy phone that connects to this thing called 'the internet' (have you heard of it? I hear it'll catch on), I may be blogging from the road.

Feel free to wait with bated breath.

Melting

2009-08-31T09:03:00.000-07:00

So you may have heard but my state is on fire. You see in Los Angeles we have two seasons: Pilot and Fire. We are currently in the latter of the two. Add to this a crippling heat wave and it feels as though we are living in a very smoky oven. Fun times, huh? Who wouldn't want to live here?

Yesterday I was feeling a bit sick (note: actually I have the death flu that is going around my office, it's fairly rad) so I went home to nap in the AC. Imagine my surprise when two hours into my nap I woke up sweating. In my delirium I figured I must have developed a fever. It took me about three minutes to piece together the fact that I had no power in my apartment. This was only after staring into my refrigerator for awhile trying to figure out why it was dark. What can I say? I'm quick on my feet.

After running around in small circles panicking about the potential for melting, there was a knock on my door. Apparently five apartments in my building were without power and I was one of the lucky few. Yay life! The powerless all held each other and wept and then I had the bright idea to call the power company. Big brain to the rescue! Finally, five hours later I had power restored. Apparently all of the AC units running at the same time in an attempt to ward off Death By Heat blew out the main power fuse for the building. That's what I like to call 'team work'.

So the moral of this story is: LA is warm, I am AWESOME in a crisis (approximately and hour into it) and that I like ponies. You knew I had to throw that in there.

Logical

2009-08-26T11:22:00.000-07:00

Last night I had of the insomnia again. So as I wandered around my huge 600 square foot apartment at 2 AM I decided it would be a good time to pack lunch. This is what I just pulled out of my bag:

Logical, no? My brain is a magical, magical place to be. Apparently in my sleep deprived state I was craving nutrients. Thanks God I remembered the can opener as without that... awkward.

Seriously, No

2009-08-25T09:51:00.000-07:00

So my friend Amanda volunteers for a youth group as she's a better person than me. Today she received an email from a girl in the group asking, seriously you're going to want to sit down for this, who 'McJagger' is.

Yeah.

She figured Amanda would know as it's like 'super, super old music'. Once I finished weeping for the youth of America I asked if I could respond to the girl. Amanda, being a giver, said sure. Here's the email I crafted.

Hi (name redacted),

Sit down, dear child, we need to talk. I know I am old and ancient at the age of 29, so lean in close so I can hear you.

Here's the deal... it's not McJagger, it's Mick Jagger. Look, here's a whole Wikepedia entry about him: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Mick_Jagger

He is the current reigning bad ass of rock and roll. He is the lead singer for a band called The Rolling Stones. If you haven't heard of them please let me know so I can shoot myself in the face. The Stones are a legendary rock band. I know they aren't played on Kiss FM but trust me when I say they rule. Please go listen to Wild Horses (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EhVLiHPUOIM), I'll wait.

There. Wasn't that pretty? They also have many, many songs like I Can't Get No (Satisfaction), Start Me Up and Paint it Black. You may have heard these in car commercials.

So let's just leave it at this... Mick Jagger is a rock God, The Stones rule, and you need to sit your parents down and ask why they didn't teach you about important things.

Hugs,
Meghan

And that's my Tuesday thus far.

Breaking Up Is Hard To Do

2009-08-19T09:44:00.001-07:00

Dudes, I am going through another break up. I KNOW. This time I am instigating it as it is decidedly LONG overdue.

I am breaking up with my pharmacy.

The reason, you see, is my pharmacy is evil and incompetent. Generally I'm a nice person. Like too nice according to my friends. My pharmacy brings out the crazy bitch in me. So much so that I once, hands balled into fists, red in the face, asked my pharmacist in a not nice tone if he got his degree from Bubba's School of Medicine and Learnin'. I am not kidding or exaggerating. As I had Liz on bluetooth at the time she can back me up, if she's finished laughing yet (this happened a year ago).

Anytime I am forced to go there (at least once a month as I take the baby allergy medication) I end up walking back to my car, cursing and muttering under my breath. Last night as I ranted to Liz about their latest fuck up she exhaled and told me she could no longer support this abusive and dysfunctional relationship. So I am doing it. I am changing pharmacies and giving up. I can't change them. I can't make them in to who I want them to be. Ergo, I am moving on, head held high. So screw you Rite Aid #5452, you never deserved me. So take one last look as I am walking out that door to someone to treats me better.

(I'll miss you)

Jabba The Cat

2009-08-17T15:49:00.001-07:00

When going through my latest trip photos I stumbled upon this gem. It's one of my kittens. I use that term loosely.

He's not fat! He's just big boned!

Back! Again!

2009-08-17T10:03:00.000-07:00

I really need to get better about saying 'hey, I'll be out of town for awhile, don't expect any posts'. But sadly, I am not that girl. But hey, I was out of town AGAIN and didn't post. Sure it's a little late but it's better than nothing, right?

I have been on like 42 flights in the last 12 months. No joke. I would say roughly 75% of those are for work. Even if they aren't explicitly for work I work on said trip via my blackberry. Yep, I'm that girl. As such when I am back at home I huddle in my house and clutch my cats while hiding. It's pretty awesome for my social life, I assure you. Luckily I only (as of now) have one more trip coming up for work for the rest of the year. This fact makes me want to do many jigs of glee. Epic jigs with a band and balloons. Perhaps a pony there for good measure.

What I'm saying is this: I'm tired. I really hate LAX. And I like ponies.

The Tub Story

2009-08-10T09:30:00.000-07:00

So, believe it or not, I'm a modest girl. Like uber modest. I wear a lot of J. Crew and think v-necks on me are kind of slutty. Oh yeah, livin' it up! Somehow I decided it it was a really good idea to take my super modest ass, strip down and soak in tubs with strangers. My brain is a magical place to be at times.

How this all started was of course: Liz. You see she's a big fan of these day spas in Koreatown. For $15 you are given access to a room full of spas and saunas. The only catch is that you must enjoy said spas and saunas totally in the buff. This would be fine if they oh, let one person in at a time. However, that does not good business make and thus it's open to lots and lots of people. Lots and lots of naked people.

As this is the year of Meghan Conquers Her Fears (see jumping off cliffs, parasailing, internet dating) she suggested I get over my fear of The Naked. Apparently I had some sort of mental breakdown and I agreed. And that is how two Sundays ago I found myself in Koreatown with one of my best good friends, desperately clutching a paper thin robe and then walking around in what can only be described as Blind Panic in Your Birthday Suit.

Dudes. It is awkward. And yet? Awesome. Especially the giant tub full of boiling tea. Boiling tea that you sit in, with like 15 other naked chicks. Trying desperately to keep your eyes looking upward. It's HARD. There is a natural tendency to stare at well, the sea of boobs. To judge. To take note of any new waxing techniques. To judge.

After about 2 hours of soaking though you relax. You lay around on the jade floors in the buff and stop thinking 'how in God's name can this be sanitary????' and instead focus on the 'Wow, this is comfy and I could take a nap'. You also forget you are TOTALLY FUCKING NUDE and just kind of walk around and haphazardly soak in tubs. Then you get ready to leave and put back on your clothes and balk at the restraint jeans provide.

Then about an hour later you have another total mental breakdown because hello, just spent the afternoon naked with strangers.

And yet? Will totally do it again. Again, my brain is a magical, magical place to be.

Hodgepodge

2009-08-06T13:59:00.000-07:00

My throat, it hath healed! Now that I am amongst the land of the living yet again I can tell some of the tales I teased. Well, two of them. The naked one deserves it's own little entry.

- So at said work event last week I was bending down to hang a lanyard around a child's neck his mom asked me a question. I looked up to answer and as I opened my mouth to do so the kid leaned in and coughed. Into me. On purpose. His mom turned beet red and dragged him away without uttering a word. Now that's some responsible parenting. And as it gave me the plague I am going to hunt them down, as God is my witness, and cough on the mom. Or make her buy me a pony. One of the two.

- Bleeding from the face... well... let's start with the fact that I'm delicate like a fucking flower. No joke. It doesn't help that I am a girl, A, and that B, a girl who enjoys lotion and therefore has super soft albeit sensitive skin. So when I choose to kiss someone with stubble the chances I will get abrasions are fairly high. Especially if it's been awhile since kissing a boy with stubble. Then abrasions of epic proportions are essentially guaranteed. And then I have to lie to people saying that I am either having an allergic reaction to coconut or had a bad facial. Yeah. Totally believable, right? So after said abrasions had set in I went to sleep that night. During said sleep I kept dreaming that moths were landing on my face (due to the fact that moths had flown into my apartment earlier and thus were taking over and I had spent 2 hours chasing them around). As my dreams are crazy realistic I tried to swat them away and kept smacking myself in the face. (I'm awesome) During said smack I apparently ripped off a piece of my skin. Thus, I ran around in small circles freaking out for awhile, as you do, and then worked on getting the bleeding to stop. It wouldn't. Not for awhile. So then in my panic I was like 'fuck, I'm going to have to go to the hospital and explain this and while they finish laughing at me I will die from blood loss.' This scenario seemed entirely plausible at the time. Luckily the bleeding did in fact stop and then I put band aids all over my face. And then added a tiara for good measure. Sex-y. It really is a wonder I'm single.

Oh and to answer your question Chuck, when wearing a tiara the appropriate attire is a bra and oversize pajama pants. Otherwise you just look stupid.

Throat Throbby

2009-08-04T10:03:00.000-07:00

Sorry for the prolonged absence but it seems I have the plague. Last week I had lost my voice. I figured it was due to the Big Giant Work Event wherein I had to talk for 18 hours straight, 4 days in a row. Sure a baby had coughed directly INTO MY MOUTH but whatever. I got my voice back and went on my merry way. That is until Sunday.

Sunday Liz and I went to a place wherein we had to sit in a tub naked together. That entry is to come later, promise. Upon leaving the tub place I felt a it feverish. Was this due to the fact that I had just sat naked in a room with 30 strangers? No... And my throat kind of hurt. By the time I got home I was rolling on the floor, clutching my throat and begging for mercy. Side note: the author of this piece may become a wee bit melodramatic when ill.

So yesterday I went to ye olde doctor and he gave me medicine and told me it's either strep or laryngitis, results pending. So, now I am quarantined in my little apartment and losing my ever loving mind. I have watched A LOT of bad tv, pranced about in a tiara and napped. This was only the 1st hour. I don't do well when totally cut off from society nor do I do well when I wake up bleeding from the face. But that's an entirely different story as well.

Oooh, suspense!

Dedication

2009-07-29T08:58:00.000-07:00

So last night I had a super, super vivid dream. In it I was shot during a convenience store hold up. Don't worry, it was just in the appendix. Anyway, so there I am in the my super vivid dream being wheeled on a gurney into the operating room, holding my friend's hand when I turned to her and said 'don't worry, at least this gives me something to blog about tomorrow.'

Then I woke up.

And that my friends is called Dedication To A Cause.

Well, That Was Awkward

2009-07-28T11:23:00.000-07:00

Yesterday I decided to treat my tired self to a massage. As my muscles had turned into what can only be described as calcified bricks I decided to go the hardcore route and get a thai massage. Essentially you lay on the floor for 90 minutes while they pound on you, stretch you and walk on you. It's heaven.

At one point while laying on my stomach the teeny little woman was stretching my legs. She had one up on her shoulder and was pressing down on my calf (which had just been massaged and was slick with tiger balm) with her free hand. It was then this free hand slipped and well, I got punched in the vagina.

Yeah.

I did.

If you haven't seen a small woman run around in circles rapidly apologizing for punching you in the baby maker in a combination of English and Taiwanese I seriously recommend it. Sure, you have to get punched pretty hard in the bathing suit area but it's really worth it for the floor show afterward. After much apologizing (her) and trying not to laugh (me) she resumed the massage. She also gave me a 10% discount.

And on the plus side I now have a super awkward bruise. I am kind of sad I currently don't have a gentleman caller at the moment because that would be a fun conversation/explanation/show and tell to have. Oh well, my cats seemed to enjoy it.

And I'm Back

2009-07-27T08:36:00.000-07:00

I forgotten to mention it but I was out of town again most of last week. Shocking, I know. This was yet another work event and I am totally 100% wiped out. Literally my body is refusing to get out of bed. I am ok with this. I think I will stay in bed all day and bemoan my current voice-less state. Apparently talking non stop for 4 days has stolen my voice. I sound like a combination of a 90 year old chain smoker and a 13 year old boy. It's really sexy, I assure you.

I can't say much about the trip because I am trying to suppress the memories. However, I did have a very random night out. I ended up with a group of 15 in a Hummer limo and then at a roof top bar covered in sand as it was meant to look like a beach. I have been finding myself in weird situations like this fairly often lately and I am ok with this. More than ok actually. I'm kind of loving the hell out of it.

Alright I had to sit upright for 2 minutes while writing this and I think I now deserve a nap. I'm back in town for a whole 2 weeks then out again. One of these days I will be in town for a whole month and that will be a banner time in my young(ish) life.

Soup!

2009-07-21T09:31:00.001-07:00

Last night a friend and I went to a showing of The Godfather II. This is easily my favorite movie of all time and I was super pumped to see it on the big screen. Unfortunately we got our tickets a bit late and were stuck in the 3rd row. Whatever though, right?

It would have been totally ok... if we hadn't been seated in the crazy section. The dude next to us had a walker which he insisted on placing next to my friend so that we were totally blocked in. If we had to go to the bathroom we literally couldn't get by and had to catapult ourselves over the seats. If it had just been that, again, it would have been ok. But then the dude brought out a picnic. First he started with a giant container of cole slaw. Because when I think of foods that travel well when it's insanely hot outside I immediately go to the stand by of cole slaw. WTF? When that finished he brought out the mac and cheese. This is when my friend and I started trembling in anticipation for what would come next. I knew it was good when his eyes got super wide, he turned and pumped his fist in the air screaming 'SOUP!' Yes. The man brought soup. Because again, a logical portable warm weather choice.

And this is when I started laughing. It got even worse when he brought out the giant bag (yes, plastic shopping bag) full of fruit that had been marinated in booze. You could smell it, I assume, in the back row as everyone slowly turned to take a look at him. When he then fell asleep and started snoring my laughter turned into what can only be described as 'violent shaking and weeping'. And this is how The Godfather II became the greatest comedy of all time.

Sleep Free Since 1999

2009-07-20T10:35:00.000-07:00

So, I have insomnia. Generally it strikes for about two weeks straight and then disappears. Having dealt with this the vast majority of my life I'm pretty used to it. It entails me laying awake, staring the ceiling and cursing under my breath. It's pretty glamorous.

Lately I fall asleep the second my head hits the pillow. But then I wake up at 5:05 AM (really 4:48 as my clock is fast, but whatever). This reverse insomnia has now been going on for 3 weeks.

Strangers, I am generally a mildly nice person. I will smile at waitresses and not maim you when you cut me off in traffic. However, going on 3 weeks of 2 to 3 hours of sleep a night, well, I am no longer nice. Not even a teeny tiny little bit. Today at work I actually hissed at some one. I also yelled at someone on the phone because he had misunderstood my poorly worded email. It should also be noted that it's only 10:30 AM. I have warned my assistants to take cover and warn their loved ones in the greater Los Angeles area.

I recommend you do the same. God save us all.

Wild Kingdom

2009-07-16T09:33:00.000-07:00

So last night I was driving home from yet another date. (Side note, apparently I've decided to date the whole of Los Angeles in a single week. Just know some are good, some are bad and some are so very bad that afterwards I pray for humanity. Still thinking if I do write about them I will only write about the bad ones. But yes, there have been some truly awesome ones.)

I was on the phone with Liz doing the typical post date disection/discussion. As I was turning into my driveway I saw what I thought was a cat and stomped on the brakes.

'That's a funny looking cat!'
'How so?'
'Well, it's low to the ground... and has a pointed face... and doesn't look like a cat.'

And that's when I pieced together it was not a cat but a really giant fucking possum. A POSSUM. IN A VERY URBAN AREA OF LOS ANGELES. Dudes, I have lived some places. I have lived in places that could be considered 'country'. But Los Angeles? NOT COUNTRY.

But, apparently we have possums just walking around all willy nilly. I honestly had to go upstairs and google possum and look at pictures to make sure that's what it was. (It was). The best part however was my mild freakout when I started screaming into the phone about how the giant possum was going to attack and eat me. Liz had to calm my panicking, not country ass down and explain that unless I charge it with a stick or back it into a corner the possum would more than likely leave me alone. This however did not stop me from running, full speed into the house terrified I would turn to see it chasing after me.

I would say and this is why I should never leave big cities, but apparently even those aren't safe anymore.

The Weekend: A Recap

2009-07-14T09:11:00.000-07:00

Monday tried to eat my soul. As such I spent last night curled into a fetal position and was unable to blog. Why does Monday hate me so much? Perhaps I killed it's puppy? I am going to bake it some cookies in hopes it simmers the fuck down and backs up. That or drink. One of the two.

- This weekend I had my class improv show. Before the show we had a last minute rehearsal. Being as LA was temporarily relocated to the surface of the sun I wore a low cut tank top and flip flops, thinking I would have time to run home before the show and throw on something more improv friendly. I did not. This of course meant that 2 of the scenes involved me crawling around on the floor like a cat (seriously. not joking) and literally willing my boobs to stay in place. I came about one deep breath away from fully flashing 100 strangers. It was awkward.

- On Friday I had what was quite possibly one of the worst dates in recorded history. Apparently having not been on a first date in many, many moons, I forgot just how bad they could be. It lasted 37 minutes. Those were the longest 37 minutes of my life. That period of time consisted of me asking him questions and receiving one word answers and then listening to a 20 minute rant about how much he hates his life and coworkers. Good times people, GOOD FUCKING TIMES. However, I am still all proud of myself for being back 'out there', as the kids say.

- I apparently can now just will things to happen. Such as keeping boobs in place by the power of my brain. I proved this on Friday as well by willing a coworker to bring me a beer. AND HE DID. I am now attempting to will my ass into a size 4 pair of pants and also for free tickets to Greece. I'll let you know how that goes.