SHAKEY FIST

Seriously blogger, we need to have a sit down heart to heart. Why are you fucking with me? Seriously. Do you harbor some grudge against me? It takes you about a day to update with new posts, you randomly switched out my 'about me' section and I can't change it back...and well, you just seem angry. Do you need a hug? Perhaps a cookie. Because you need to man up and pull your shit together, blogger. You are making me angry and as I am teetering on the edge of sanity, that's not a wise move. Now come here and give momma a cuddle.

xoxo,
Me

Who Burns Just Their Knee?

I do, that's who. This weekend was fantastic. Seriously fantastic. Except for the fact I accidentally ate glass. And burned my knee. But other than that it was awesome.

Friday night I was prepping to meet some friends at the Hollywood Bowl for a concert. As I am a responsible adult I decided to have ice cream for dinner. As I am also very, very classy I ate the ice cream directly out of the container. Suddently, ow, hey, ice cream's not supposed to hurt! That's when I realized my tongue was bleeding and I had a large chunk of glass in my mouth. I spit out the glass and sat there stunned. I looked into the ice cream carton and saw that it was sparkly, in the 'full of glass shards' kind of way. I then realized that my throat hurt and that I had, when I bite into the dime size piece of glass, chipped my tooth, nicked my tongue and in all probability swallowed some shards. I called the number on the ice cream carton but they were closed. I then ran around in small circles and screamed 'I just ate glass, holy fuck!' while on the phone with my mom. After she finished laughing she said I would probably be ok, but that if I started vomitting blood I should go to the hospital. My mom's a gem. My stomach hurt for the rest of the night, but when I didn't wake up dead or in a pool of blood, I decided I was out of the woods for any further glass mishaps.

Saturday my good friend and I headed to the central coast to go kayaking. I used to kayak fairly often, but this was oh 2 years ago. Since then not only have I not kayaked I have also stopped going to the gym because well, let's face it, I'm lazy and prefer reading. As such after an hour and a half on the water I couldn't feel my arms. Which is a fun sensation when you are about 500 feet from the dock and are floating over eel grass. The trip, besides the arm hurtedness, was fantastic. A sea otter popped up roughly 10 feet from my boat, it was the perfect weather and the scenary was breathtaking. And after we docked we found that there was a wine shop with a tasting set up directly next door to the kayak rental. Whoever thought this up should get a medal. After purchasing far too many bottles of wine I realized I had a sunburn. On just one knee. It's rather painful but I think it adds that missing touch of class to my overall look.

Today the boy returned from China. Rejoice! Not only is he back in one piece and just as adorable as I remember, but he brought me Olympic merchandise. As I have previously stated I am obsessed with the Olympics in an unhealthy way. I once, no joke, stayed up until 4AM to watch the end of a water polo match I believe between Croatia and Hungary. So, to own a few items from the future Olympic site made me incredibly happy. So boy + Olympically certified shirt = happy. It's a good equation.

So on an ending note, don't eat glass. It hurts.

Oops

Today I got dressed while I was on the phone with the boy in China. As such I really wasn't paying attention to what I was putting on my body. When I got to work I realized I looked like a slutty Gap employee. I expected any second someone would approach me and ask how much longer the cargo pants were on sale and/or if I want to go for a ride in their 'Stang. I was wearing super tight khaki pants and a white polo that was every so slightly too tight AND too short. Like hey, bet you guys didn't realize that I had a tattoo and a scar on my belly button short.

Let's just say I got a few odd looks when I was in the office. Thankfully I was able to run home at lunch and put on a shirt that didn't scream '8th period I have physics and it's totally boring'.

Good Times

You know what's fun after a stressful day at work? Attempting to wrestle a cat to the ground so you can brush his teeth. Do I know how to party or do I know how to PAR-TAY? Yes. I brush my cat's teeth. Not because I want to, by any stretch of the imagination. I would in fact rather put my hand in the garbage disposal the vast majority of the time. I brush my cat's teeth because he is a delicate little flower, just like his mama, and has gingivitis. Ergo, 4 to 5 times a week I have to stalk him like prey, wrestle him and brush his teeth with a mini brush. God loves me a whole lot.

I really know he loves me...because my job? It's not going to be around a whole lot longer. nnThey are shutting down my department. Rejoice! Because who needs things like paychecks and health care? Not I! It's not a definite thing but it's about 99% a done deal. As such I am scrambling to apply any where under the sun. My back up plan of becomming a recluse in Maine is looking better and better. I figure I'll be just like Salinger minus a couple awesome and generation defining books. Other than that we could be twins. Well that and the fact that I am not a dude.

Herein lies the true rub: I don't actually like what I do. I used to work on film sets and then was injured (fell down stairs. It hurt. A lot). After the injury I A) laid around in a leg brace for 6 months and bemoaned my state and B) found myself a fancy office job in corporate America. I do not like corporate America. I don't like having to dress like an adult and sit in meetings for hours on end. But as I am me, I have no idea what I would rather do. So I keep finding similar jobs and then bitching about them. It's a wonderful cycle full of happiness and sunshine. So the search begins anew. Fingers crossed that somewhere along the way I figure out what the hell to do with my life. As apparently they do not pay you to 'play scrabble and eat cupcakes'. Which is really a shame, because that? That I kick ass at.

Oh and another plug for the show Mortified (www.getmortified.com). I took a friend to see it tonight and we both laughed so ard our faces hurt. Go see it, enjoy, laugh and be merry. I insist.

Melting

It's really, really, really fucking hot here. Like HOT. And you know what's the best thing to have happen when it's HOT outside? Have the AC break. And then have the maintainance man come by at 7 AM while you are standing there, awkwardly, in your robe trying to make sure your girly bits are covered. And he blushes and you both stammer and then you hide in the bathroom for a half hour.

My life KICKS ASS.

But I have to say, the boy is having a far better day than I. He had to fly to China this morning for work. He gets on his plane on time and then they sit there. For 4 hours. His company made him fly economy and the plane he was on apparenly understood 'economy' to mean 'non human cattle like creatures', so he doesn't have air vents. And the movies will be in Mandarian and shown on the screen wayyyyy in front of the plane. So, he wins. Because he is currently cramped into a too small, airless seat, and I am home in my newly conditioned apartment and I have wine here.

All in all, today is looking up.


If this heat wave continues however I am headed to Maine. This is because my idea of Maine is that it's winter there 11.75 months a year. With 1 day of summer, 1 day of spring, and .23 months of fall. And that to me sounds like heaven.

Notes from a Weekend

As we have a guest in town we headed down to Sea World over the weekend. While there I discovered two very important things:


If your child can walk up to you, ask you in a full and coherent sentence for a 'quick snack' and has a full set of teeth, it may be time to wean your child off the boob.

AND

There are two groups of people in this world, those that can wear jean mini skirts and those who can not. Know which group you are in and act accordingly. If you aren't sure what group you belong in then assume you are in the group that can't.

Oy.

Oh and today my office was a crisp 14 degrees. It was so cold that I had to wear a sweater and a coat and my fingers literally cramped up. This was because our CEO was in town and doing a conference. I have a theory that he likes it that cold because he's part abominal snowman. A friend of mine told me she thinks it's because execs never sleep and the cold help keeps them fresh and awake. I think my theory holds more water. Tough call.

No Good Very Bad Day

It's one of those days. When I woke up this morning I knew it wouldn't be great, I was in a Mood. Capital M. I'm a joy and a pleasure to be around, 365, what can I say?

At work I was in a meeting where I felt like a total and complete asshat. So that was fun. Who doesn't like a little humiliation first thing on a Monday? Mmmm...tastes good. Then to add injury to insult, while walking to the office after lunch a cute little Yorkie dog hopped up to me and bit my toe. And then barked and chased me. (I was walking slowly, teeny dog legs however had to run to keep up). As the dog weighed approximately 14 ounces it didn't do any damage, except to my ego.

I just want to lay under the covers and hide. Cry it out. That's what I need, a really good cry. Most dudes don't understand that, but ladies, back me up. Sometimes, all you need is a really good cry. And a cookie the size of your head.

Hey, Monday? Fuck you.

That Fine Line

So, I got a comment from Todd (hello Todd), about my lack of personal entries. And I agree. I have been struggling with it since I came back to blogging. Here in lies the rub, as I see it. I want to respect the boy's wishes regarding not being mentioned as well, it really fucked up some things in the past for me. Since he and I spend a whole hell of a lot of time together, it's difficult. I have things I find hilarious and want to write about... but don't. Not only do I not want to do something that could damage things, cause fights or incur general discomfort.

So here I am wanting to write. I love it, it's my outlet. It's also the outlet that pulled the rug out from underneath me. And then the rug beat the crap out of me. I am trying to get back to writing in a more personal way. When I wrote on my friend's blog (blogger is being an asshat and not letting me hyperlink so: confessionsofafatgirl.typepad.com) it was my way of testing the waters. Putting something personal out there then ducking and covering. Thus far, no fall out. Also...nothing. No word, no comments, so I assumed until now, people were cool with keeping things un-personal like. I, however, would love for things to get slightly back to how they were. It will just take time.

Oh and I can't write about work, sadly, because I work for THE MAN and they have a policy of 'if you write about us we'll fire you so fast your mom will get whiplash'. And I like things like a steady paycheck and health insurance.

I am going to try my damndest to start actually writing again. I can not however promise less entries regarding the cats, as well, this is my future:



Wish me luck.