A Question for Los Angeles

Does anyone in LA know of a good, non pretentious dance club? One that Paris hasn't been to? There has to be one, I am determined.

My day, let's see...well, I woke up to find that the cats had peed on the couch. The universe loves me.

This is a short one because I have to go take apart my couch and place it in my tub. PAR-TY.

Consistantly Awkward

I am, in general, awkward. I talk with my hands and mime things and then basically moonwalk out of people's offices. It's a skill being this awkward, truly. One of the best things I do involves the phone. I am used to talking to my mom and the boy and ending each call with 'love you, bye'. As such, this is become secondhand to me, something that at times I don't even realize I'm doing. This is how I have come to tell a few of my coworkers that I love them.

My office isn't very phone friendly, everything is done via email or in person, so the phone rarely rings. When it does, it's generally something I don't have to pay full attention to, so I am emailing or staring at something shiny and respond with a full heared 'uh huh' when there's a pause. Ergo, my mind wanders and I fall into my secondhand trap. Sometimes, I catch myself. It goes like this 'Ok, thanks, lo---ok at that email, gotta go'. Or 'Ok, thanks, love...those pants you wore. Where'd you get them?' It's super smooth. It really adds to the overall charm that is me. Today I told one of our creative guys that I love...his shoes. I think he's catching on to my slip ups as the two times it's happened have been with him. He laughed quietly and hung up, but I am sure tonight he went home to his boyfriend and laughed about the girl in his office who keeps professing her love.

Good times.

A Snapshot of My Day

Just to give you a snapshot of my day and how everything went today:

The scene: a deli near work

Me: I'd like turkey, mozzarella and olive oil on a roll

Her: Ok

(sandwich arrives with turkey, cheese and olives)

Me: I'm sorry, this is actually not right...I asked for olive oil not olives.

Her: Oh, ok.

(sandwich returns with turkey, cheese and olives)

Me: Yeah...see, still with olives. I want olive oil. It's clear. And a liquid. This is like a solid and you know, olives.

Her: Oh, ok.

(sandwich arrives and is correct)

Me: (take a bite, it's feta cheese)

I understand that in the grand scheme of things, not a big deal, but repeat this scenario with everything throughout the day and you will want to stab yourself in the face repeatedly. This is where I am at.

Thanks, Power!

Last night the power went out. This is because water fell from the sky for the 7th day in a row. LA decided it just couldn't live in these barbaric conditions anymore and therefore collapsed, dramatically. It then woke up and got bigger boobs. But, during the collapse it took with it my building's electricity. Due to this fact I woke up confused as to why it was light in my bedroom and my clock was blinking 3AM. Using my crack detective skills after about 10 minutes of rubbing my eyes and muttering, I pieced together the fact that at some point the power went out. (I'm clever like that) And I was late. Very late. So late that I put on my pants in my car and ate breakfast during my first morning meeting. I spent all day cursing the power and the fact that my parking attendant guy totally saw my panties when I got out of my car, hopping on one leg and pulling on my jeans.

But.

Then I got home. And my DVR magically fixed itself! And let me tell you, there is nothing better than weeks and weeks of recorded crappy television that I can enjoy, in pants that I put on at home, with a single serving box of wine. Man, is it possible to be this classy all the time? I think it is.

Big Bear: A Recap

The first night there I slept an hour. One. Uno. I did not like this. On the way there we made amazing time. However, once we reached the mountain we sat parked for almost 2 hours to go through the snow chains check point. We reached the house around 1 AM and settled into our blow up mattress bed about an hour later. Only, we couldn't sleep. And then, the bed slowly deflated. The boy attempted to cuddle but I had to push him back to his side to balance out the air. By the end of the evening however we were smooshed together in a V with either side of the mattress straight up in the air. Mmmm relaxing.

The boy, God bless, went snowboarding. My friend and I then decided to go tubing. We showed up at the tubing center and it was us...and 100 children. We of course elbowed them out of the way, we are kind and generous that way. We also discovered that if you go down the hill two at a time you achieve warp speed, I recommend this highly.



That night everyone who was staying in the house, all 20 of us, had dinner and drank. Classy style.



There was sadly no drunk blogging due to exhaustion. And drunkeness. It's an excellent combination I assure you. It causes one to stage a photo shoot with the small wooden bear statue in the cabin's living room.




And now, I leave you with this blustery photograph from the trip home today in the snow and rain. I need to go pass out because if not I may die. Or lose my mind. One of the two.

The Weekend Ahead

Tomorrow I am headed to Big Bear for the weekend. I neither ski or snowboard but I do drink and make snow angels. It will be a good time. Pictures and potential drunken blogging to follow. 

I Do Not Like Today, Sam I Am

First of all, you all know I love the celebrity gossip and whatnot, but jesus, Heath Ledger died?? Really? That's not cool. At all. He seemed like a decent person and was just wickedly talented. This is not the kind of gossip I enjoy as it's just heartbreakingly sad. Ok, just had to put that out there.

Second, I would like to punch my dentist in the face repeatedly. I have a shockingly high tolerance to the numbing medication and metabolize it really quickly. My appointment with my dentist went like this:

Me: blah, blah, really high tolerance, no joke. Please give me enough to fell a rhino.

Her: You betcha.

Me: (5 minutes later in chair with drill in my mouth) AH! Ow! (muffled screaming of 'motherfucker that hurts!')

Her: Wow, you can feel that? Guess you weren't kidding, huh?

Me: No. Why would one joke about that?

Her: I gave you the normal dose, let me up it.

Me: (trying not to kill her) Yes. Please. Now.

Why would someone lie about that and why would a dentist nod and listen and then totally ignore the conversation thus causing the person in her chair extreme and shocking pain? I do not like her and will not tell her that somewhere in the city Nutella martinis exist. I feel this is punishment enough until she can meet my fists of fury (this statement is only truly amusing if you can see that at this exact moment I am wearing snowmen pajama pants and pig tails).

Needless to say, it was not a pleasant day.

Super Duper

Today I went to the dentist because I had a painful toothache. While there I found out I have to have a root canal, emergency like, tomorrow, and had to have a special deep cleaning. The 'special deep cleaning' I believe is code for 'we are going to jam a million needles real quick like into the area of your mouth that hurts'.  I did not like it and would in fact rather slam my head into the wall repeatedly than ever do that again. And tomorrow I now get to take the day off and get the guts pulled out of one of my teeth. Who's a lucky bunny? Why, I do believe that's me!

Oh and as a side note I smudged my apartment because well, I am a hippy and do shit like that. The new smudging stick I bought? Smells like the pot. So much so the boy walked in this evening and was like whoa, where's the Marley poster and black light? Life is awesome.

Snapshot of a Day

Went to 'lunch' with Ms. Liz today to plan our impending road trip. We instead had a martini (her) and three glasses of wine (yours truly)

Me: mmm cake. Man, I love cake.

Her: I want a pie of bread. Shit. I meant piece. Fucking C's, I am SO over C's.

And that's why we're friends.

Well that and she will go in a road trip through the deep south with me, including a Nascar rally. It'll be like Thelma and Louise, but without the sex and murder. Or as I call it, the white trash road trip 2008.

Tonight

Tonight I was due to go to Mortified but as it was all shades of sold out I instead had to go to the dinner which involved the wine. Then Ms. Liz and I went shopping and took photographs of ourselves around The Grove in gigantic bug sunglasses. In bug sunglasses I look like an anime character who is shockingly pale and awkward. It's quite the look, I assure you. We took pictures of me in giant sunglasses posing like a ninja and although the sunglass cart man was not pleased, it was well worth it. We also bought expensive underwear and justified it due to drunkeness. This is the best justification for expensive purchases and I use it often. It's why Amex loves me like a fat kid loves cake.

It's nights like these that make a Wednesday bearable.

My job is still trying to kill me and I would like to ask that it stop. Or if said job would like to kill me at least do so with a higher salary so I can again justify purchases of large amounts of frilly girly items. Or shoes. Or a pony.
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And now a picture of one of my cats because I am drunk and it makes me laugh...

Aren't They Precious

While having chicken the other night I tried to feed some to my cats. They put it in their mouth and spit it out. They did the same thing with the turkey on Thanksgiving. Undeterred I put the chicken in their food bowl. They ate around it.

Tonight I was having Italian, and had a small plate with olive oil on it to dip bread in. The cats? Licked it up. Then tried to knock over the olive oil bottle and I believe, attempted to grow thumbs to open said bottle. Then they curled up together and took a nap.

My cats are, apparently, gay Italian vegetarians.

Good Morning, Sunshine

This morning I was gently rocked from slumber by the sound of two homeless men having an argument outside my window.

Guy #1: Bring it on!

Guy #2: (clearly punches guy number 1)

Guy #1: Ouch! That fucking hurt!

Um...what did you think would happen when you screamed 'bring it on'? You'd get a massage or perhaps a pony?

Then they started throwing beer bottles at each other. AT 6AM. UNDER MY WINDOW. When I was able to pull my cats off the ceiling I stopped to think about my neighborhood. I moved here because it's notoriously safe and chock full of the gays. And I love the gays. I assumed the worst trouble I would get into would be getting stopped by the fashion police and told that my bag so does not go with my shoes. I do, however, not like homeless fist fights especially an hour and a half before my alarm is due to go off. So now I am tired and freaked out. It's super. I think I'm going to have to move to the suburbs where nothing, ever, ever happens.

Apparently West Hollywood is the new Compton.

Vegas: A Recap

- Drank many, many glasses of champagne
- Room service = salvation
- Trade Shows = 7th Circle of Hell

I handed out free bags for 2.5 days at said trade show. By the end I was curled up in a ball behind our booth, rocking back and forth. I am neither nice nor perky and was forced to be both for days on end. This is not humane. I do not like people and do not like speaking to them. Especially when said people are sketchy old men who stare at my breasts and ask if I am staying in town for Adult Video Awards. No, no I am not. Please take your beer and move away quickly or you're getting kicked, old man.

After leaving the trade show I RAN across Vegas and made it to my flight by 1 minute. No exaggeration. I arrived 46 minutes before my flight took off. I arrived on the plane sweaty, exhausted and bruised from my insane carry on. But, I made it and didn't have to spend extra time in Vegas for which I am eternally grateful. I almost kissed the ground at LAX upon arrival, but again, I am not that nice.

I planned on spending the weekend locked inside my apartment and pretending the rest of the world didn't exist. However I have been lured outside on several occasions. What has the power to do this? Tequila. In copious amounts. God bless you LA.

Quotes from the weekend:

Liz "I don't like science, because, well...it's kind of a downer"
Consulting Girl (you remember her, right?) "I used to like Law and Order SVU when it was all about pedophiles, because, like, I don't have a kid"

I heart my friends.

A Short Note

Observations from my time in Vegas:

1) Vegas during convention week is actually the 7th circle in hell

2) 600 dollars a night for a hotel room is far too much money unless the room comes equipt with unlimited wine, a full time masseuse and perhaps a hooker

3) Wine and a plasma tv above a gigantic tub make these things bearable. Oh and room service. Whoever invented room service gets a high five.

Vegas Bound

I am headed to Vegas for work. I do not like Vegas, Sam I am. I am a really horrible gambler. Not horrible as in I have a problem but horrible as in I am so bad a dealer once told me 'you should not do this, you'd be better off putting your money in the toilet and flushing'.

Also, I jut got home. My bags are still packed from Christmas because, well, let's face it I am busy and lazy. I would like to stay put and hang out with the cats. You know, party hard core. But no. I have to go to Sin City and pretend to have fun. Whee. Can you feel the enthusiasm?

(Yes, I realize I am lame and should be excited about Vegas. I however am not, relish the lameness, and crave staying at home and watching old movies and pretending there is no outside. Hermit. Get the sensation.)

Random Observations and Open Letters

1) Wine makes everything better and more funny.
2) If you eat nothing but pizza and hot chocolate for days on end you will gain weight. Totally worth it.
3) Whenever I decide I have a favorite team on the Amazing Race they come in last or get eliminated. From now on I am only going to root for assholes and annoying people.

And now...open letters:

Dear Girl Next to Me at the Movie Theater,

I understand that WATER IS FALLING FROM THE SKY and it's you know, 50 degrees outside, but a parka and snow boots are really unnecessary. Albeit, I knew you were an idiot for another reason: you went to see a movie called There Will be Blood and hid your face every 2 minutes when there was a loud noise or blood. Given the title of said movie you should assume there will be some fucking blood, so if you can't stand movies with blood (which you stated repeatedly) try to avoid movies that explicitly state that There Will Be Blood in the title. Oh and talking throughout the movie is still annoying even if you are 5'1, blonde and 100 pounds dripping wet. I will snap you like a twig and then enjoy my mildly bloody movie in silence.

Hugs and Kisses,
Me


Dear Mazda 323 Driving In Front of Me,

I understand that WATER IS FALLING FROM THE SKY and your car is roughly the size of my left shoe, but going 15 miles an hour down Beverly is probably not wise. This is because it angers people, people like me for example, who dream about installing giant inflatable bumpers on their cars so they can ram you without scraping their paint. So speed it up. I know that THE GROUND IS WET and this is just causing mass confusion all across LA, but let's step it up a notch. The 90 year old woman in the car next to you just gave you the bird. Take this as a hit. Or I will, God help me, ram your toy box car.

Best Wishes in the New Year,
Me

Swing of Things

The first day back after vacation should be nationally instituted as a maximum of 4 hours long. As the day feels roughly 29 hours in length, I feel it's only fair.


(Non existing segue) My New Years was awesome. For the first time, roughly ever, I had fun. There were no expectations other than 'we will eat food, and that food will be good....we will also wear pajamas because pajamas are awesome'. That is New Year's plan I can get behind. My friend's boyfriend is an ex chef and by the end of the 6, count them 6 courses of fantastic-ness, I was laying on the floor bemoaning my overly full state and trying to use telekinesis to move the champagne bottle from the table and into my mouth. It didn't work but I somehow managed to crawl to it and drink. Thus making it the classiest New Year's in the history of man kind. Also the tastiest. And full of 70's funk. Let's just say if you haven't watched the 70's Saturday Spectacular on DVD, well, you are missing out my friend as there are tight pants and chest hair displays that will make you weep with pride that you are an American.