Side Note

Thursday I leave for Hawaii. So Wednesday is the last day I will blog about Texas. Enough is enough. I will go to the islands and relax for 5 days. I will swim with dolphins. I will drink overpriced cocktails. I will not cry.

And when I get back, no more. No more pain over this guy who clearly wasn't worth it.

I miss the funny me too. Hoping she returns soon.

Bottom

Kids, I've hit bottom. Honestly I didn't think I could be any more shocked or hurt than I was. Until today. Today I discovered that Texas signed up for a dating site within a week of our break up. And the pictures he used? Ones I took on our trips. Every. Single. One.

The first photo? In my family's backyard. The second? On our trip to New York. The third? Trip to Austin where he introduced me to his childhood friends. Oh and the 4th? Why I do believe that was after my best friend's memorial. Oh and the descriptions? Jokes we had. Books he listed that he just read? Ones I gave him as presents because they were my favorites and knew he had a lot of flights for work coming up and may be bored.

Heart, meet blender.

All I can say is that I truly hope it doesn't get any worse because I honestly can't take it. I'm done with pain, done with hurting and done with him. Now excuse me while I go lose my lunch.

Not Good

I am not good. I think the technical term is 'depressed' but in my terms it's 'fucked'.

This weekend was rough in many unexpected ways. I was supposed to be in Texas with him, meeting the family. This meant that at any given moment I could look at the clock and think 'at this exact time I was supposed to have brunch with his mother'. Instead I was trying desperately to distract myself with anything I could get my hands on. I went to dinners, I went for drinks, I got a massage, hell I got a tattoo. Nothing worked. Nothing. Instead I am $400 poorer and depressed. Fun, huh?

I miss him. I miss us. I miss the person who I talked to 10 times a day.

I'm just really sad. This weekend kicked my ass good and proper. Hope yours was better than mine.

An Open Letter

Dear Universe,

Really? No... REALLY? I get it, I'm still hung up on the dude. Do you need to keep throwing it in my face? The other day when I was coming home from therapy all red eyed from crying, it was mildly funny that the vanity license plate on the car in front of me was his last name. Hilarious. Even better was yesterday when during improv we had a substitute teacher who knew nothing about me and somehow found it deep within his soul to give me the suggestions of: break up and Texas. Yeah. They were. After 'break up' everyone squirmed in their seats, knowing my story. And after he said Texas my friend in class literally threw her hands up. So universe, you are making nice improv doing vegans throw their hands up in my defense. So fucking stop it.

But, no. You couldn't. Today, the day I was supposed to fly to Austin with Texas to meet his entire family and attend a big event but instead had to go to the doctors you threw this little gem at me:

Doctor walking into room: Hey there! Before we begin, quick question. You travel a lot right?

Me: That I do.

Doctor: Ever been to Austin?

Me: (head hitting desk)

So universe, I would much appreciate it if you would stop throwing him in my face in weird and stupid ways. Also, if you could explain last night's dream where in I am on a surf board paddling with my office manager and speaking in italian that would be great.

Hugs and kisses,
Me

The Earth Moved. Again

So there I am, laying in a Xanax coma on my couch cuddled with my kitten. Suddenly the couch starts to move violently. Being as my brain was somewhere far, far away I shouted at my cat to stop shaking. Yep. I did. Because that was the kind of logic that seemed appropriate. It was then that I opened my eyes to find my cat sitting still with what can only be described as a 'bitch please' expression upon his face.

Then the wine rack started to shake. Then the painting started to move. And then my wee little brain said 'ohhhh, it's an earthquake!' Then I contemplated moving to a doorway and by the time I had forced my body into a sitting position it was over.

So the moral of this story is: always take too much Xanax just in case there is an emergency and also, I am not good in a crisis.

Stupid earth.

I Made It

Dudes, I survived the wee, teeny, tiny, little plane. (Thank you Xanax) It wasn't nearly as bad as I thought except for one brief moment when the pilot got permission to fly by Mount Rushmore at a low altitude. I don't know if you've ever flown over mountains in something the size of a shoe but I recommend you do it significantly higher than we did if you don't want to be shaken like a rag doll. DID NOT LIKE. The only other part that sucked was landing. It feels like you are headed straight towards earth in a not good kind of way. Thankfully it all worked out and I made it safely home to my kittens.

Other notes from the weekend -

- The wedding was beautiful and I am so glad I went

- The reception was at the one winery in all of South Dakota. The wine I enjoyed? Called Phat Hogg. Yeah. It was oddly delicious.

- I'm going to save you $20... Mount Rushmore looks just like the pictures and the Crazy Horse Memorial is just a dude's head carved into the side of a mountain. There. Now you don't have to go.

- Apparently in South Dakota appetites will return. The cause of this? Lots of stores selling homemade fudge.

- Homemade fudge tastes even better at 3AM.

- After said beautiful wedding we went to a local bar called The Mangy Moose. You can not make that up.

- If going to the Mangy Moose I recommend walking in with a bunch of city kids in suits and dresses, you can actually hear the record scratch as everyone turns to stare.

- Apparently I go over well in South Dakota. A toothless man in a bar complimented my legs a lot and asked everyone if I was single. Fun times.

- Never, ever put on a tie that a drunk groomsman throws at you. The tie will inevitably have a zipper mechanism that will get stuck and people will have to hold your head whilst pulling on said tie to get it off. This will hurt. It will also be an occasion for photo ops.

The Things I Do For Friends

Tomorrow I am boarding a teeny plane all on my lonesome to go to a wedding.In South Dakota. Texas had originally planned to go with me, but well, him breaking up with me kind of put an end to that. To say that I am terrified of said teeny plane would be an understatement of EPIC proportions. However, I am going to a state I've never been to and will witness two of my favorite people get married. This will be good.

For the last week I have been in a lot of pain. I've been kind of stuck in a 'woe is me' kind of heartache. It's been all encompassing. All I could think about was that I have to go to this wedding alone and will have no one to dance with. Selfish, right? I mean, this weekend is in no way about me. It's about these two wonderful people who have found love and are sharing it with us, their friends. Luckily my mom kind of mentally kicked the shit out of me the other day and knocked some sense into me. I'm still in pain and still cry roughly every 5 minutes, but I am going to enjoy myself, dammit. I am going to go drink wine and take pictures and visit weird things like this. I will make tourists take pictures of me. I will not freak out on the plane. (ok, I will, but whatever)But most importantly I will keep reminding myself that this is about friends, not me. I will toast them and dance, even if it's by myself.

And I will more than likely cling to the stranger beside me on the teeny plane. I apologize in advance, you lucky SOB.

Yup

It's been a rough couple of days. Pardon my silence I'm just trying to figure out how to maintain. Thus far all I have come up with is: doubling up therapy sessions. Also, watching Real Housewives of New Jersey. Because that's just good times right there.

A Scene From the Day

Yesterday I had a book put on hold at a local store. I went in to pick it up and the adorable shop boy behind the counter was flirting with me. Flirting! With me! He was probably about 24 but had liquid brown eyes and we had a good banter. I was enjoying myself, pushing aside the overwhelming grief for a moment and flirted back. That is until he found the book.

That's when his expression went from flirtatious to completed closed off. He said 'oh' and handed the book over and turned back to his computer without another word.

Why you ask? Because the book I was picking up is titled: The Journey from Abandonment to Healing. Sexy, huh?

My life is a bad sitcom.

In Response

'm sorry, but it's time to stop all the bullshit. All this crap about what an asshole he is and how none of it was your fault is of no help. Even though it is well intentioned.

Until you figure out what went wrong and how to keep this from happening again, you'll only be stuck wallowing in your pain and dooming yourself to repeat it.

First of all, how long were you with this guy? I can't remember when, exactly, you first mentioned him, but it could only have been 4-6 months ago. In that short amount of time you're planning this great future together and professing love for one another. You're too old and experienced to fall into this trap. The beginning of every relationship is like that. But to lose yourself in it is short sighted and naive.

The fact that you were ready to spend the rest of your life with someone after that short a time indicates that you have an ambition to be married.

Happiness should be your ambition. But there are many different paths to happiness, only one of which is marriage. If you figure out all the things that make you happy and pursue each equally, then you'll be less likely to jump into a relationship like this.

All that said, he does sound like a tool. Which only begs the question, what the hell were you doing with him?

He was from Texas. That we know. But, with apologies to my friends from Austin and the 40% enlightened folks scattered around the state, most people from Texas are republicans.

Not only did they vote for George Bush twice for Governor, but they voted for him another two terms as President. After 16 years, they still didn't figure out what a creep he was. And their current Governor is talking about seceding from the union, while still accepting millions of Federal dollars for hurricane relief and other programs.

A majority of Texans have conservative ideas about everything from relationships to race relations to gay rights. And based on the way your own personal Long Horn handled your own personal situation, it sounds like he's one of the more retarded ones, who have lived, without question, with the following laws...

http://www.dumblaws.com/laws/united-states/texas

Don't get me wrong, there are great and progressive people from Texas, but none of them would have been so clueless to your feelings.

So why were you dating this idiot? Why were you falling madly in love with this douchebag. Why do you, even now, think that getting back together with him would make things better?

It sounds as if you were putting more importance on the relationship than the relationship had earned. Which, of course, led you to confront him about things that were bothering you way more than the situation called for. In the future, I suggest taking it slower, keeping everything in perspective and following the advice of the immortal and profound Samuel Jackson who opined, "Bitch be cool!"

Sure, your own Texas tool couldn't handle the intensity, but not many men could after 6 months. And the ones who can handle it are probably predisposed to jumping into relationships, which should set off alarms as well.

All that aside, it's most people's instinct to blame the method of break up, rather than examining the break up it's self. That allows you to continue loving the person, while still expressing anger towards him and avoiding accepting blame for the relationship problems.

How could he say he loves me one day and break up with me the next?

It could be that he's an asshole. I'm not doubting it.

But it is not unreasonable to suggest that at such an early stage of the relationship, people discover new things about their mate on a daily basis. Some of those things will repel a person. That happens all the time. Not hard to understand.

So you've talked about everything he did wrong. You've been praised by your friends for being so open and honest. But how about discussing what you did wrong? Even if the mistake is simply misjudging your choice in mates, the analysis will help you.

And if you did misjudge him. I suggest you make notes of what it is you're looking for in a mate. Compare them to the qualities of the dick head who dumped you. And if they match up, then you need to sit down and re-evaluate your goals.

I know this post will make some people angry, but I maintain that it is more thoughtful and helpful than simply reassuring you that you're a good person and you'll feel better.

Of course you are and of course you will. But something is wrong right now. Your posts in the past, while witty and observant, have also been judgmental and snarky. You drink excessively and sometimes to the point where you need help from others. And you're basing your happiness on a 6 month old relationship. These things all indicate an underlying unhappiness. Which can be improved upon if you work at it.

I hope you take these observations and this advice in the spirit they were given. I hope that you find happiness on your own sooner, rather than later. Because you, and everyone else, deserves it.

I suspect that when you examine your relationship honestly you'll realize it was never exactly what you thought it was. And then you will remember it fondly as a bright moment in time, but you will let it go, the way we all do with flawed relationships.

And you'll never want to return to it again.

So that was the comment left on a post. I wasn't going to respond but I decided to after all. All I have to say is I have never, ever called Texas an asshole and I never will. He was and is a great guy. We had our problems sure, but ultimately I do hope we can be friends when all the heartbreak has been mended. He helped me deal with the death of my friend in a way that went so far above and beyond the call of duty in a brand new relationship I can't even begin to explain it. I haven't placed the blame on him. We both failed. I did things I shouldn't have done, absolutely. I am the first one to state that I am no where near perfect. I have been beating myself up for days about what I did wrong in this. I haven't posted it here because I don't want to. It's private and painful and saved for my therapist and friends and screaming at myself when alone. In fact, I have taken most of the blame on what went wrong. I don't respect or like the way he ended things abruptly but it would be insane to place all of this on him. We both fucked up. The end.

Yes, we went fast. The relationship had been going at a very slow and comfortable pace until my friend passed away. After that, well, it sped up. However, I let him set the pace. He was the one asking to spend more time together, telling me he loved me and booking trips. He seemed to be very into this and not afraid of the 'intensity'. So I kept pace, never exceeded. Yes, after 6 months thinking I would marry this man was incredibly fast. I know this. However, I honestly thought he was 'the one'. What we had gone through with the passing of Adam and health/cancer scares sped us up. We would often joke that it felt like we had been together for 6 years not 6 months.

So I guess I call can say is, no, you don't know how I feel or the whole story. I post things here that merely skim the surface of my life. I write about things that are funny, to me at least, or things that I think would be good to get out there. I work incredibly hard on myself. I am in therapy and have been for years. I will never stop doing that. No, I do not place all of my value and happiness on a relationship and I know I'll be happy and fine again. However, right now I'm sad. Yes. Ab-so-fucking-lutely. I loved someone and he walked away rather than try to work on our issues. That's what hurts. It was however his choice. I am writing about my pain to get it out. To quote my mom 'better out that in'. It's helped in a way, so I will continue to do so. However, don't pretend you know me or how I feel. That is stupid.

Oh and here's where I defend him. You don't know him. He's not an idiot, far, far from it. He's not a republican and he's voted against GWB more times that you have. Again, you don't know him. I intentionally kept personal information about him out of this blog due to respect and I will continue to do so.

I miss him and his friendship, every moment. We were very close and talked often. That's what I miss. Sure I want him back, that's normal. I loved him, I wanted to work on our issues and still feel we deserve a second chance. However, that's more than likely not going to happen so I am healing and moving on. It's tough and some days are better than others. I have moments where I am incredibly sad and moments where I am better and able to function. That's part of the process. If you don't get that, then you don't get heartbreak.

And that's the last I'm going to say about that.

Not Funny Universe

Yesterday was a bad day, kids. I had a melt down of epic proportions. I did not know the human body could cry that much, but I am living proof it can. Around 6 a friend came over and I scraped myself off my couch to go to a local mall with her. Luckily, said friend convinced me to shower and put on make up and something cute. This is clutch.

Why is it clutch, you ask? Well, that's because I ran into Texas at the mall.

Yeah.

I did.

A mall that is walking distance for me and oh, 20 miles away from his house. He was with his family (bro, etc) shopping. We talked awkwardly for about a minute then parted ways. We didn't hug or touch in any way. And that hurt. All I wanted to do was reach out and hug him. Smell his neck. To stop myself I had to cross my arms in front of me. When we parted I walked away shaking and had to sit on the floor of a changing room to catch my breath. All I can say is, universe? What? The? FUCK? Did I not hurt enough already? I mean, COME ON.

To quote Sera 'seriously? You do live in LA right? A large metropolitan area? It's not like it's fucking Mayberry.'

No, no it's not. So I am still trying to wrap my brain around it all.

Fun times while trying to buy jeans. Fun fucking times.

An LA Night

Last night I went to a seminar on relationships with Liz. Needless to say I sobbed through a good deal of it. However, there was a highlight. That highlight? Gwyneth Paltrow. You see, she was in the audience as well, about 15 feet away. Side note, she has a really great ass. You could bounce a quarter off that thing.

However, any time I caught her in my sight the only thing I could think was: You totally had sex with Brad Pitt. Here I am sobbing over this dude who broke my heart, and you had your heart broken by Brad Pitt. And it was on magazines for months.

It made me giggle and put some things in perspective. It also made me want to go to the gym.

Thanks LA, I needed that.

Today

Today, I was sad. Now I say, I want to watch funny videos on YouTube and remember what it's like to laugh. So I am going to do just that. If anyone has a suggestion, let me know.

I am sad and hung over and want to laugh, dammit.

Update

This morning I woke up with the song 'Owner of a Lonely Heart' in my head. It won't go away. Not funny, brain. Not funny at all.

Yesterday I only cried 5 times which is an improvement of sorts. It was mostly, unfortunately, while at work or driving, but still, an improvement. I just wish I could stop thinking about him. I know that will fade over time but right now every time I blink, breathe or move I am flooded with memories. Mostly good times, trips, mornings spent in bed, and then at times a jab at my heart where I think I somehow fucked up. Where I confronted about something or said something I shouldn't have. I am beating myself up non stop. I may as well wear a hair shirt at this point, it'd be easier.

I am lucky though. I don't think I'll ever be able to thank my friends properly for everything they've done. They been there for me every step of the way over the last few days. They've held me when I've cried and made me feel loved at a time when it feels unimaginable. When I beat myself up, they call me on it, make me stop. I think it's why it's the most difficult when I'm alone. It's only after they leave or I hang up the phone that my brain chuckles in evil glee and tosses another zinger out. My head is not a fun place to be.

My heart is still in a vice but I slept last night. Fitfully sure, but I slept. Maybe one day I'll stop dreaming about him. That would be good.

A Break Up Story

To say I am blind sided would be an understatement. To say my heart is broken into a thousand pieces is an under exaggeration.

This weekend has not been good.

I will say I thought Texas was the one. We had mentioned that to each other. Said we thought this was fate. I loved him in a way that I didn't think was possible, completely and honestly, warts and all. We had plans and plane tickets through September and had talked about spending New Years overseas. I knew, without a shadow of a doubt in my heart, that when we did that he would propose. We had started to plan our lives together and last Thursday the 23rd we talked about the trip we would take for my 30th birthday in a year.

Friday the 24th we had a fight. He had not done something he had promised he would do, something very important. I called him on it. That spiraled into a discussion about our relationship and adjustments that needed to be made for the other to be happier. I told him that I wasn't ready to call it done and that I loved him. He said he loved me too and was willing to work on these things with me. We then had a fantastic weekend where he on Sunday spent over an hour telling me how much he loved me.

On Monday he was stuck at work. On Tuesday he was oddly distant. On Wednesday he stood me up for a date. On Thursday he hung up on me. I didn't hear from him again until yesterday at 11AM. Those 40 hours were some of the longest of my life.

He came over on Saturday and hugged me. Held me for 5 minutes and stroked my hair. He then sat me down in the exact spot where 4 months ago he told me he loved me and said to me 'I don't think we work as a couple'. The then told me he'd 'fallen out of love with me over the last couple of weeks'. When I asked him about Sunday he said 'I wanted to say it to see if I could make it true again.' Selfish I said. Heartbreaking. He nodded and agreed and then said his mind was made up.

He held me for a few more minutes while I sobbed and then very methodically gathered his belongings, of which there were many as he stayed at my place 4 or 5 nights a week, took my key off his ring and walked out the door.

I haven't heard from him since.

How does it go from planning the next year to this in a week?

I have spent the last two days varying between unending tears and being utterly numb. I am in shock. I am enraged. I am so beyond confused. How does someone go from one extreme to the other so quickly? So methodically end a relationship that according to him was 'fated'? The reasoning he gave for his decision wasn't reasoning, it was excuses. Suddenly the fact that I am sensitive and that he is blunt was too much. Even though he'd known this from the first date. Even though it's something we agreed to work on during our Friday talk.

I have spent 24 hours beating myself up. Blaming myself for everything that went wrong. Belittling myself. I have also spent countless hours on the phone with friends, sobbing, asking why? Can they please explain to me what caused this? Can they tell me if he'll change his mind, come back to me, and make my heart whole again? They all say they have no idea. They've seen us together and we just 'work'. You can't fake that, they say. We thought you guys would go the distance, they say. And I nod through my tears and say 'me too'. Because I honestly believed that.

He didn't. Apparently. So he pulled the rug out from underneath me.

I'm so afraid. Last time I had my heart this badly broken I ended up on anti depressants. I couldn't sleep, I couldn't breathe, I couldn't function. While I am not there, at all, I am still afraid. I've slept 5 hours in 2 days. But, I am stronger now. Much, much stronger. I need to have faith in myself that I will heal and get through this. I will face this and I will win. He made the wrong decision and I don't know why. I will have to accept that and cry it out. I will dust myself up, drag myself back into the living and work on me. Only then will I open my heart back up and go back out there. Because somewhere there is a man I am meant to be with. Someone who would never, ever dream of doing something so callously cold hearted. I have to have faith in that right now because it's the only thing keeping me sane. It's hard though. The hardest thing I've faced in awhile.

It's hard to keep the faith while your heart feels like it's in a vice. The pain is physical. It hurts everywhere. But I will breathe through this and I will be ok. I am strong. I will heal. This much I know.

That Sucked

Texas and I broke up.

This hurts.