Dedication

So last night I had a super, super vivid dream. In it I was shot during a convenience store hold up. Don't worry, it was just in the appendix. Anyway, so there I am in the my super vivid dream being wheeled on a gurney into the operating room, holding my friend's hand when I turned to her and said 'don't worry, at least this gives me something to blog about tomorrow.'

Then I woke up.

And that my friends is called Dedication To A Cause.

Well, That Was Awkward

Yesterday I decided to treat my tired self to a massage. As my muscles had turned into what can only be described as calcified bricks I decided to go the hardcore route and get a thai massage. Essentially you lay on the floor for 90 minutes while they pound on you, stretch you and walk on you. It's heaven.

At one point while laying on my stomach the teeny little woman was stretching my legs. She had one up on her shoulder and was pressing down on my calf (which had just been massaged and was slick with tiger balm) with her free hand. It was then this free hand slipped and well, I got punched in the vagina.

Yeah.

I did.

If you haven't seen a small woman run around in circles rapidly apologizing for punching you in the baby maker in a combination of English and Taiwanese I seriously recommend it. Sure, you have to get punched pretty hard in the bathing suit area but it's really worth it for the floor show afterward. After much apologizing (her) and trying not to laugh (me) she resumed the massage. She also gave me a 10% discount.

And on the plus side I now have a super awkward bruise. I am kind of sad I currently don't have a gentleman caller at the moment because that would be a fun conversation/explanation/show and tell to have. Oh well, my cats seemed to enjoy it.

And I'm Back

I forgotten to mention it but I was out of town again most of last week. Shocking, I know. This was yet another work event and I am totally 100% wiped out. Literally my body is refusing to get out of bed. I am ok with this. I think I will stay in bed all day and bemoan my current voice-less state. Apparently talking non stop for 4 days has stolen my voice. I sound like a combination of a 90 year old chain smoker and a 13 year old boy. It's really sexy, I assure you.

I can't say much about the trip because I am trying to suppress the memories. However, I did have a very random night out. I ended up with a group of 15 in a Hummer limo and then at a roof top bar covered in sand as it was meant to look like a beach. I have been finding myself in weird situations like this fairly often lately and I am ok with this. More than ok actually. I'm kind of loving the hell out of it.

Alright I had to sit upright for 2 minutes while writing this and I think I now deserve a nap. I'm back in town for a whole 2 weeks then out again. One of these days I will be in town for a whole month and that will be a banner time in my young(ish) life.

Soup!

Last night a friend and I went to a showing of The Godfather II. This is easily my favorite movie of all time and I was super pumped to see it on the big screen. Unfortunately we got our tickets a bit late and were stuck in the 3rd row. Whatever though, right?

It would have been totally ok... if we hadn't been seated in the crazy section. The dude next to us had a walker which he insisted on placing next to my friend so that we were totally blocked in. If we had to go to the bathroom we literally couldn't get by and had to catapult ourselves over the seats. If it had just been that, again, it would have been ok. But then the dude brought out a picnic. First he started with a giant container of cole slaw. Because when I think of foods that travel well when it's insanely hot outside I immediately go to the stand by of cole slaw. WTF? When that finished he brought out the mac and cheese. This is when my friend and I started trembling in anticipation for what would come next. I knew it was good when his eyes got super wide, he turned and pumped his fist in the air screaming 'SOUP!' Yes. The man brought soup. Because again, a logical portable warm weather choice.

And this is when I started laughing. It got even worse when he brought out the giant bag (yes, plastic shopping bag) full of fruit that had been marinated in booze. You could smell it, I assume, in the back row as everyone slowly turned to take a look at him. When he then fell asleep and started snoring my laughter turned into what can only be described as 'violent shaking and weeping'. And this is how The Godfather II became the greatest comedy of all time.

Sleep Free Since 1999

So, I have insomnia. Generally it strikes for about two weeks straight and then disappears. Having dealt with this the vast majority of my life I'm pretty used to it. It entails me laying awake, staring the ceiling and cursing under my breath. It's pretty glamorous.

Lately I fall asleep the second my head hits the pillow. But then I wake up at 5:05 AM (really 4:48 as my clock is fast, but whatever). This reverse insomnia has now been going on for 3 weeks.

Strangers, I am generally a mildly nice person. I will smile at waitresses and not maim you when you cut me off in traffic. However, going on 3 weeks of 2 to 3 hours of sleep a night, well, I am no longer nice. Not even a teeny tiny little bit. Today at work I actually hissed at some one. I also yelled at someone on the phone because he had misunderstood my poorly worded email. It should also be noted that it's only 10:30 AM. I have warned my assistants to take cover and warn their loved ones in the greater Los Angeles area.

I recommend you do the same. God save us all.

Wild Kingdom

So last night I was driving home from yet another date. (Side note, apparently I've decided to date the whole of Los Angeles in a single week. Just know some are good, some are bad and some are so very bad that afterwards I pray for humanity. Still thinking if I do write about them I will only write about the bad ones. But yes, there have been some truly awesome ones.)

I was on the phone with Liz doing the typical post date disection/discussion. As I was turning into my driveway I saw what I thought was a cat and stomped on the brakes.

'That's a funny looking cat!'
'How so?'
'Well, it's low to the ground... and has a pointed face... and doesn't look like a cat.'

And that's when I pieced together it was not a cat but a really giant fucking possum. A POSSUM. IN A VERY URBAN AREA OF LOS ANGELES. Dudes, I have lived some places. I have lived in places that could be considered 'country'. But Los Angeles? NOT COUNTRY.

But, apparently we have possums just walking around all willy nilly. I honestly had to go upstairs and google possum and look at pictures to make sure that's what it was. (It was). The best part however was my mild freakout when I started screaming into the phone about how the giant possum was going to attack and eat me. Liz had to calm my panicking, not country ass down and explain that unless I charge it with a stick or back it into a corner the possum would more than likely leave me alone. This however did not stop me from running, full speed into the house terrified I would turn to see it chasing after me.

I would say and this is why I should never leave big cities, but apparently even those aren't safe anymore.

The Weekend: A Recap

Monday tried to eat my soul. As such I spent last night curled into a fetal position and was unable to blog. Why does Monday hate me so much? Perhaps I killed it's puppy? I am going to bake it some cookies in hopes it simmers the fuck down and backs up. That or drink. One of the two.

- This weekend I had my class improv show. Before the show we had a last minute rehearsal. Being as LA was temporarily relocated to the surface of the sun I wore a low cut tank top and flip flops, thinking I would have time to run home before the show and throw on something more improv friendly. I did not. This of course meant that 2 of the scenes involved me crawling around on the floor like a cat (seriously. not joking) and literally willing my boobs to stay in place. I came about one deep breath away from fully flashing 100 strangers. It was awkward.

- On Friday I had what was quite possibly one of the worst dates in recorded history. Apparently having not been on a first date in many, many moons, I forgot just how bad they could be. It lasted 37 minutes. Those were the longest 37 minutes of my life. That period of time consisted of me asking him questions and receiving one word answers and then listening to a 20 minute rant about how much he hates his life and coworkers. Good times people, GOOD FUCKING TIMES. However, I am still all proud of myself for being back 'out there', as the kids say.

- I apparently can now just will things to happen. Such as keeping boobs in place by the power of my brain. I proved this on Friday as well by willing a coworker to bring me a beer. AND HE DID. I am now attempting to will my ass into a size 4 pair of pants and also for free tickets to Greece. I'll let you know how that goes.

Taco Night

Last night I headed west to meet Liz and a couple of our friends for Dollar Tacos. These are legendary in LA and the wait can sometimes be up to 2 hours. It was my first experience and I had been talking about it all week. Don't judge. I just really love tacos. And have a small, small little life.

So we get there, all jazzed up (ok, mostly me) and put our name on the list, grab a margarita and commence waiting. And hour later we're told that we are 2 away. You could feel the excitement build in our group (again, mostly me). Then... the power went out. A cheer went up in the restaurant thinking that it was hilarious and the power would come back on any second.

It did not.

Due to the fact that a large portion of a neighboring area was on fire, the power was off sporadically throughout the 'hood. Specifically the whole block we were on.

Thirty minutes later we are still sitting in the dark eating chips that we begged off of a busboy. Forty Five minutes later we realize that light and tacos just aren't going to happen. Dejectedly we leave, and then remember, hey, this is LA, we can get cheap tacos pretty much anywhere. And so we left, trucked like 2 blocks over and got in line at the new cheap taco place. Sure, we had to wait in a hallway by the bathrooms but it gave us a chance to take iPhone pictures and buy another pitcher of margaritas. Finally at close to 10, I got a taco. And friends, it was good.

Having now eaten our weight in tacos and chips, fatigued from our journey, we head back to Liz's house...only to realize that the power is out there as well. We stood outside and sighed, in sync. And then, no joke, the power came back on. The screaming and jumping up and down was mildly embarrassing and very loud. There was also an epic amount of arm flailing. However, we had many margaritas whilst waiting for tacos and so it didn't seem out of place, although, it did scare her cat.

The moral of this story I guess is that LA didn't want me to have tacos, but I stamped my little feet until I got them. And also, Liz and I can make the power come on through our contempt.

Fan Girl

As we all know I am 29 (efff) biologically. However, my tastes in pop culture tend to lean a bit, well, prepubescent. One of the things I am addicted to is the show So You Think You Can Dance. Like very addicted.

So imagine my surprise last night as I was crossing the street on my way to dinner when I saw essentially all of the choreographers from the show sitting at a table at the restaurant I was headed to. I locked eyes with Mia Michaels and I literally froze, mid step, in a crosswalk. Because I'm awesome. I then had an internal battle that went something like this:

"do something you idiot! Like what? Pirouette, I should totally pirouette! No! Don't do that! Smile! Wave? No! Just keep walking and give them the what's up nod."

So that's what I did. But they totally knew that I totally knew who they were, because well, I had frozen like a deer for a good 30 seconds. So Mia said hi as I walked past. But because, again, I'm retarded, I didn't acknowledge it. Which made it all the more awkward when I was seated roughly 10 feet away from them.

Yeah.

When they left I got a cell phone pic as I am so that girl. I then promptly freaked out and emailed everyone I knew. Because I am emotionally mature.

Also, side note, Jonah Hill rode past the restaurant on a Vespa. Sometimes I love LA.

The Weekend: A Recap

- In celebration of our country's birth many stores have sales (thanks America) I took advantage of said sales and bought myself a new mattress. I am now broke because I spent way too much on it even though it was roughly 70% off. So instead of going out I will now just invite people to spoon with me in my insanely comfortable bed. That's not awkward, right?

- Went to an awesome bbq on the 4th. There was an adorable 11 month old baby there who attached himself to my hip. He then also attached his hand to my boob. His mom kept trying to explain there was no milk in them there hills, but he didn't care. Most action I've gotten in months.

- At said bbq I discovered the 'beergarita'. It is a tasty treat.

- After 8 weeks off from the gym (thanks break up!) I went back. My legs are now on strike in protest. It's not pretty. But, I had to do it. I have been walking around in depressed state for far too long. So now I can walk around in a depressed state with really toned abs.

Oh, Mom...No

So yesterday I received a friend request on Facebook from my mom's best friend, a woman who is like a 2nd mother to me. I debated for a few hours and then accepted.

Within minutes, really, seconds, I had a series of emails from her about pictures and status updates wondering what they meant or where they were taken. Then, the most ominous email yet: 'We need to get your mom on here!!!'

Sigh.

No. No, we don't.

Because then my status updates won't be able to be something from 4AM saying 'Meghan just made out with a 23 year old. Thanks vodka' and instead have to be something akin to 'Meghan is a responsible adult who is contemplating life and reading the Bible.' And really, no one needs that in their life. Especially me. And this is one of the many reasons why the internet is evil.