Greetings From Hell

Wow. Just... wow. I have returned from my brother's play and may or may not need to swallow a whole bottle of cyanide. It seems the theatre director (who was mine in high school as well, but that's a story for a different time) picked the worst, most depressing play of all time. Which is great, you know, because the world is so happy as it is. Dudes, I just spent 3 hours trapped in a theatre while teenagers pretended to burn to death. AND MY MOM WOULDN'T LET ME BRING A FLASK. I think that is considered child abuse in most states.

On the plus side my family's Wii Fit is now kept in my old bedroom. Meaning that I can pretend to exercise to my heart's content. In fact I just did a round whilst eating peanut butter M&Ms, just like Jesus intended.

Do we know how to party or do we know how to party?

Good Times, People, Good Times

Tomorrow I have the pleasure of getting up at 5AM so I can drive home through the desert to see my brother's high school play. Jealous? Maybe if I am good afterward I will get to go to Applebee's so I can indulge in their reverse happy hour and $2 chicken fingers. Man, I freaking love the suburbs.

As I am lazy and have apparently reverted back to college age I am hauling all of my clothes home with me to wash. You see, my washing machine isn't located in my apartment building but rather 5 blocks away. This means all of my clothes are very, very dirty. It also means I am almost out of Febreeze. ( Gentlemen, the line starts to the left.) On the plus side, since I am by all accounts 21 again, I have no problem making out with strangers in bars. Oh and can drink myself sober. That's not just an urban myth, kids.

Alright, I am off for my exciting weekend in hell. I'll be blogging as well, there is little else to do there, and I am attempting to do NaBloPoMo wherein I post everyday. You lucky dogs you, that means daily posts about my boobs and shenanigans. And cats. Can't forget about those furry little fuckers.

Yesterday

Yesterday was both awesome and horrible. It was amazing to witness history, truly beyond words. A friend and I split a bottle of wine and danced around my apartment in the dorkiest way humanly possible. Then the news came on that Prop 8 passed and the wind went out of my sails. I don't really have much to say other than: way to be America, epic fail California. On the plus side immediately thereafter I got a text message that made wine come out of my nose. It read: "There is a sign up sheet to move Bush out of the White House. I signed us up for the 3 to 7 shift." This made the day easier to deal with.

In other news I would very much like to stop being emotionally firebombed by the universe. Got some news about an ex the other day, he's happy and has found new love. I? I have found vodka. Lots and lots of vodka. Then today summer fling decided that since I was nice to him the other day when we accidentally bumped into each other that we are now friends. Got a surprise IM from him today. That was super fun. What the fuck world? Did I run over your puppy? Hit on your prom date? WHAT DID I DO?

All I can say is that the world better start behaving and fix this crap-tacular behavior. I will accept a pony or hot boy as a token of the world's affection. I think it would make us even.

Vote!

This morning I stood in line to vote at 7AM... two people in front of Fred Savage. Mr. Wonder Years did not seem happy to be up early and was rather cranky. I don't think Kevin would have behaved like that, Fred, so buck up. I also stood behind a woman who was 85 if she was a day. In one hand she had her cane and in the other was a list of all the props and how she was going to vote. In very neat handwriting next to Prop 8 she wrote NO and underlined it. I wanted to hug the stuffing out of her but refrained as well, I didn't want to hurt her. She was wee.

And on another note, I have been nominated again for humor blog. So do me a favor and vote? I am uber-competitive (no...you don't say!) and although I know I won't come anywhere near winning I would like to finish out of the bottom 200. Word.

http://bloggerschoiceawards.com/blogs/show/32124

The Worst Day of the Year

Today has been bad for many, many reasons. It has made me want to hide under things and weep (whilst drinking). And internet, it's going to get worse. Why you ask? Because on the first day after we move the clocks back all Angelinos forget how to drive. No. Seriously.

There is a mysterious thing that happens when people are forced to drive in the dark for the first times in a few months. It's called Fucking Utter Chaos. People, I need battering rams for my car. It's the only way I am going to get through this. Last year when this happened my office was located 1.1 miles from my home. And yet? It took me almost 30 minutes. Now that I am 4.5 miles away I fear I may not see my house until tomorrow. They drive with one foot firmly on the brake while looking around them, panicked expressions on their face. It's dark! How can they humanely be asked to drive without the sun? I know, with their eyes closed.

Hold me. I'm afraid.

Oh and totally off topic, go out and rock the vote tomorrow. And if you live in CA please, please, please vote no on Prop 8. I have a lot of friends who are deeply in love and deserve the right to marry. My heart bleeds for them when I think they may be denied that very human and basic civil right. (stepping off soap box)

Not Cool

Yesterday at a party there was a gentleman caller ALL about yours truly. Arms wrapped around waist, flirtatious whispers in ear and kissing on top of the head. The party was winding down and he tried to invite himself back to my place. It was tempting as he was adorable but I said no. We kissed good bye and I stepped outside thinking that wow, that was a fun night. This is when my friend came running up to me. It seems she had just found out that adorable boy is a douchebag of epic proportions and is married. Luckily I had 3 friends significantly more sober than I who held me back from going crazy white girl on his ass or at the very least hurling my giant shoe directly at his head. Not cool, dude, not cool.

It seems as of late I am only attracting vastly inappropriate boys. There have been other boys who have been adorable and unmarried, but they aren't interested. We flirt, we banter and then... we part ways. End scene. I don't know what the hell is going on with my mojo and the massive misfirings but I am hoping that the cure for it is vodka applied in liberal amounts.

Halloween, The Last Leg

Halloween for me this year has been approximately 2.5 weeks long. For the first time in my life I have actually enjoyed it. I did not however enjoy my costume. This may be because it was a prom dress from the 80's with massively uncomfortable boning and a giant bow on the ass. That look doesn't exactly scream 'hey fellas, I'm a winner'. So, earlier this week I came up with an alternate plan. On the way to buy said alternate plan I got my first ever traffic ticket. So instead of buying a new comfortable, awesome and sexy costume I went home, hid under my bed and called my mommy. This leaves me with two option: wear horrible dress and be in pain or cobble something together from my closet. I am choosing option 2. So, tonight, I am going dressed as something truly horrifying and evil. I am going as Jessica Simpson. I already have the two most important assets naturally built in, ahem, and I own a cowboy hat. That plus a picture of Tony Romo and a vapid expression and I am set. Although it's not exactly the best costume in all the land it's still significantly better than feeling like an extra from a poorly made White Snake video.

Wish me luck.