There Are No Words

So, I am unwinding on the couch after a long weekend of bar-be-ques, wine and sleeping when what do I find on the television? The Miss Universe Pageant. It caught my eye because they are all wearing their "national costumes". Please notice the quotes around that because I doubt highly that these are based on tradition or national sanction. Some countries were, yes, but others? They seemed to get another memo.

Let's start with the girl who wore a gigant dolphin above her head. Yes, you read that correctly. She was basically wearing pasties with a GIANT FUCKING DOLPHIN somehow hung over her head on wire. I would have loved to have been in the meeting where they developed that.

"Well Stan, our country is known for its beautiful beaches, aquatic life and lush landscape."
"That gives me nothing to work with...wait...aquatic life you say?"
"Yes, should be put her in a bikini?"
"No you fool! You aren't thinking big enough. What we need is a life size dolphin, held up by invisible wires she wears strapped to her back!"
"That spells winner to me!"

Really. And then she had to dance. As she weighed about 80 lbs and had to dance with a dolphin suspended over her head it was a wee bit awkward.

They also had Brazil dressed like a giant butterfly, some poor girl covered in what looked like toilet paper and another covered with so many feather boas you couldn't make out her face. Oh and Ms. USA? Dressed like a slutty Elvis. I am shocked they didn't have firecrackers coming out of her ass, I think they missed the boat on that one.

Ok, it's back on and really, I need to watch. I can't wait until the formal dress compitition, hopefully one of them went all out and has sparklers and a real bird shown in. Because that's classy.