To say I am blind sided would be an understatement. To say my heart is broken into a thousand pieces is an under exaggeration.
This weekend has not been good.
I will say I thought Texas was the one. We had mentioned that to each other. Said we thought this was fate. I loved him in a way that I didn't think was possible, completely and honestly, warts and all. We had plans and plane tickets through September and had talked about spending New Years overseas. I knew, without a shadow of a doubt in my heart, that when we did that he would propose. We had started to plan our lives together and last Thursday the 23rd we talked about the trip we would take for my 30th birthday in a year.
Friday the 24th we had a fight. He had not done something he had promised he would do, something very important. I called him on it. That spiraled into a discussion about our relationship and adjustments that needed to be made for the other to be happier. I told him that I wasn't ready to call it done and that I loved him. He said he loved me too and was willing to work on these things with me. We then had a fantastic weekend where he on Sunday spent over an hour telling me how much he loved me.
On Monday he was stuck at work. On Tuesday he was oddly distant. On Wednesday he stood me up for a date. On Thursday he hung up on me. I didn't hear from him again until yesterday at 11AM. Those 40 hours were some of the longest of my life.
He came over on Saturday and hugged me. Held me for 5 minutes and stroked my hair. He then sat me down in the exact spot where 4 months ago he told me he loved me and said to me 'I don't think we work as a couple'. The then told me he'd 'fallen out of love with me over the last couple of weeks'. When I asked him about Sunday he said 'I wanted to say it to see if I could make it true again.' Selfish I said. Heartbreaking. He nodded and agreed and then said his mind was made up.
He held me for a few more minutes while I sobbed and then very methodically gathered his belongings, of which there were many as he stayed at my place 4 or 5 nights a week, took my key off his ring and walked out the door.
I haven't heard from him since.
How does it go from planning the next year to this in a week?
I have spent the last two days varying between unending tears and being utterly numb. I am in shock. I am enraged. I am so beyond confused. How does someone go from one extreme to the other so quickly? So methodically end a relationship that according to him was 'fated'? The reasoning he gave for his decision wasn't reasoning, it was excuses. Suddenly the fact that I am sensitive and that he is blunt was too much. Even though he'd known this from the first date. Even though it's something we agreed to work on during our Friday talk.
I have spent 24 hours beating myself up. Blaming myself for everything that went wrong. Belittling myself. I have also spent countless hours on the phone with friends, sobbing, asking why? Can they please explain to me what caused this? Can they tell me if he'll change his mind, come back to me, and make my heart whole again? They all say they have no idea. They've seen us together and we just 'work'. You can't fake that, they say. We thought you guys would go the distance, they say. And I nod through my tears and say 'me too'. Because I honestly believed that.
He didn't. Apparently. So he pulled the rug out from underneath me.
I'm so afraid. Last time I had my heart this badly broken I ended up on anti depressants. I couldn't sleep, I couldn't breathe, I couldn't function. While I am not there, at all, I am still afraid. I've slept 5 hours in 2 days. But, I am stronger now. Much, much stronger. I need to have faith in myself that I will heal and get through this. I will face this and I will win. He made the wrong decision and I don't know why. I will have to accept that and cry it out. I will dust myself up, drag myself back into the living and work on me. Only then will I open my heart back up and go back out there. Because somewhere there is a man I am meant to be with. Someone who would never, ever dream of doing something so callously cold hearted. I have to have faith in that right now because it's the only thing keeping me sane. It's hard though. The hardest thing I've faced in awhile.
It's hard to keep the faith while your heart feels like it's in a vice. The pain is physical. It hurts everywhere. But I will breathe through this and I will be ok. I am strong. I will heal. This much I know.
I like Journey, croutons and beer. In that order.
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21 comments:
that really sucks. you deserve better.you have not written something personal in awhile so it seems you are looking for closure and ansers. the thing is most people never get why. the anser is usually, and sounds like here is, the guy sucks and you are to good for him. which are cliches but seems true here. try takeing half a tylonol pm for sleep, it works for me. Hope you feel better.
-Todd
You are awesome. And smart. And know how to make cake balls. There will be wine and tears and then there will be joy. I know it.
We always feel terrible at the time and come out stronger. Hope you get through this knowing if it was meant to be, this wouldn't have happened.
I am so incredibly sorry. I have been reading your blog for a few weeks now, and I though I don't know you, my heart sincerely goes out to you. I can imagine how much it all sucks right now, but you are completely right, you'll make it through. You've got this.
Hey M, You arr a much stronger person and you will get through this and become even stronger. From the guys point of view it just sounds like he got really scared. Bt the way he went about it was just wrong. Take your time and drink your drinks. in time this will pass and you will be even stronger.
i'm just a random "lurker" but i had to comment and tell you how heart wrenching this post was. i've been in the same spot you are and i know how utterly hopeless it feels; however, a few weeks go by and you will realize that you'll be ok.
also, you're writing is fantastic, this post brought tears to my eyes...
good luck!
I am so sorry! I too have been in that place and it's horrendous. But you ARE stronger and you WILL get through this. He was a coward and as hard as it is to believe, you are better for this.
But for now, just be hurt. It's ok.
I am really sorry that you are going through this. You deserve so much better. From your blog, i can see that you are a strong woman and u'll get through this. Keep yourself busy so you dont feel so lonely....hugs
wow, i am very sorry to hear about the unfortunate turn of events. having been *exactly* where you are, I know from experience that the hurt and sadness and heartache are very hard to deal with.
wishing you the best.
perhaps if every other comment wasn't about drinking you might understand a little better. Sorry chick...pick yourself up.
I am so sorry! What a douchey way to go about a break up (on his part, clearly)! The why question is the hardest...
I am so sorry but I hope you realize that this is a common phenomenon. It has nothing to do with you. It's about him and assholes like him who do this all the time. I could cite 5 reasons why they do it all the time. Please don;t make yourself sick trying to figure out why. It's like trying to figure out why someone got sick or hit by a car. Sometimes shit just happens, sometimes it's just rotten luck, sometimes we hook up with douchebags even though we don;t deserve it. The best thing you can do is grieve and then pick yourself up and find a real hottie and flaunt him in front of your ex fiance's face.
I dont know you either but am a faithful follower of your blog. Your blog makes me laugh out loud and puts into words things I often feel or wish I felt/experienced! I miss living in SoCal and your site is a link to that past life, and for that I am grateful. I went through many a breakup until I found 'the one' and when I did I saw the difference from all those other crappy people. No games, and no rug pulling. I am so sorry you are hurting. It sounds like you have many friends who will make you get up, get dressed and get OUT of the house and hopefully out of the sadness, and that is a good good thing. Good luck to you!
Oh, I've been where you are and I hate that bit - but it will get better, you will stop counting the minutes and start counting the hours, then days...then one day you won't have thought of him at all. Time heals all wounds - and men are bastards.
Hope the minutes go by quickly for you. xx
Dear ODD: You are on the right track; you've got your eye on the prize - you! Wow, this one is painful to read, and evokes a lot of history for a lot of us. Here's what helped me get through - FRIENDS. People who reminded me about all the good stuff I am, when the heartbreak express had run over me so hard and fast that I took myself for dead. When one trusts the other's words, reinforced by his actions, and it blows up...it is SO hard to get past that. Especially since real change is incremental. So this guy was operating on two planes at once with you, and that is NO good. You are on the right track; build up your trust in yourself and your good instincts. Have some good laughs with friends. Get to the place where you enjoy peace in your space (do some things to reclaim your space, flush out residual of his presence. Reminders of him have to go. Buy yourself fresh flowers (cheap ones are still nice). And remind yourself every morning when you look in the mirror - you are beautiful, you can love, and you are loved - by friends, family and one day...a real partner!
This sounds like a horrendous experience. I've been there myself and the pain literally feel physical. Be good to yourself. And most of all, give yourself time. You will feel better.
ODD, I'm so sorry, Hon. I have read you from the CH days and you have certainly had your fair share of douch-nozzles come your way. You have such a heart of gold it's hard to believe that karma would smite you so with all these asses.
I know that it hurts now and will for a while but in the end, you will see that it led you down the road to your soulmate. I know he's out there waiting for you.
We love you and we are keeping you in our hearts and prayers.
Take care an always remember that you are beautiful.
Chuck
Thank you everyone. It's making it so much easier to know that I'm not alone. People have gone through it and survived and so will I.
So, thank you.
Oh and Chuck, you made me cry. But in a good way. Thank you.
Oh Dear One,
Applaud yourself for having the courage to love. So many of us have bad experiences and then we close our hearts off and become bitter and jaded. You are willing to heal and head out there again...you should really be proud of yourself for that.
Most recently I was involved with a man who started a friendship with me over the course of two months. We out on a date and then for Valentines Day he asked me out again. I'm no perfect girl, so I figured that it would be cool to have a fun fling with him. Just two people enjoying each other for whatever time they could. Well after spending the entire weekend together he tells me (while in bed) that he literally just got out of a relationship the week before! He then starts pining away for this chick right there in front of me. I wasn't even a fling! I was the rebound chick! I was mortified. Now previously, we had been having long extensive conversations over the phone for quite some time and at any given time he could have given me the heads up about his sitution...but of course it wasn't to his advantage so he didn't. When he asked me if I had a boyfriend, I told him no. He said he didn't have a girlfriend (which was only half true, in a Bill Clinton sort of way, because I later found out that at the time he asked me they were on a break). Douchebag.
I tell you this story so that you know we are all blindsided at times...I sure was, even when my expectations were already low! lol!!!
Some people operate from a place of low integrity, they only care about their immediate needs and not so much about how others are affected by their actions. It's unfortunate, but these people are like bad accidents in our lives...if it doesn't kill you then there is always a lesson learned.
You obviously have courage, strength and the will to get the most of this life. Sometimes people are put into our lives to love only for a short time, to learn a lesson, to give us a message, to carry us the next leg of our journey. We have to learn to love them in the moment and have faith that other beautiful moments will show up for us in the future. This is not the last of it for you...you will love and be loved again. You can count on that.
What a dickweed! I've been where you are now. I know that it sucks monkey balls...but please know that you have the stronger character between the two of you (but then again...it seems as though a bag of hair has a stronger character than your recently departed "friend").
I know it feel like someone died...abruptly!
Take your time to grieve, then forgive him. Forgive yourself. Kudos to you for maintaining your composure...NEVER allow a man to see just how much he has "gotten to you" (or anyone else for that matter).
I also applaud you on your ability to try love...don't give up...I'm trying to make amends with love as well.
I'm so sorry that this has happened to you. I guess he did what dickweeds do when they realize that no one will repeatedly buy the shit they're selling!
www.4badgirlzonly.wordpress.com
I'm so sorry that you're going through this - I've been there, and some days it's all you can do to keep breathing. It's one of the worst places to be in the world, and no one deserves it!
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