2009: a Recap

Dudes, I cannot express how happy I will be to slam the door on 2009. There were some ups, decidedly, and dear sweet merciful Christ there were some downs.

Let's see:

- My best friend Adam died, unexpectedly
- Fell in love. Hard.
- Had dinner at the French Laundry
- Had my heart broken, then run over, squashed like bug
- Cried. A lot. Blogged about it.
- Flew on tiny, tiny plane to see good friends get married
- Jumped off a cliff in Hawaii
- Dated a fun hipster with a scooter
- Stopped dating fun hipster with a scooter and declared man ban
- Spent approximately 3k on much needed therapy
- Cried. A lot. Blogged about it
- Fell down in Vegas and pushed my kneecap back in with my hand
- Made an amazing friend
- Dated vastly inappropriate people, laughed about it
- Learned the value of retail therapy
- Lost some old friends, fought with some, grew closer because of it
- Am still standing

It's been a roller coaster, friends. Thank you for being here with me on the ride. Here's to 2010 being better for all of us, full of laughter, love, hope and champagne.

A Family Christmas

Every year my uncle comes over to help us decorate sugar cookies. Every year, without fail, he then eats the left over frosting while making what can only be dubbed as his O face. Internet, this is why I need therapy. This year however we got all fancy and used frosting in cake decorating bags. Ergo, instead of scooping the frosting out of the bowls with a spoon he had to squeeze the frosting from the bag. It's a super fun visual, isn't it?

So of course I took pictures of this moment in my life. You know, so that one day I can torture future generations with this knowledge ensuring that anyone from my blood line keeps therapists employed throughout the ages. My uncle posed for said pictures, piping bag posed over his open mouth, head thrown back in ecstasy.

We then had the following wonderful family moment.

Me: You look like you're fellating that bag.

Uncle: That's a fancy word.

Me: I learned it in college.

My mom who was standing at the sink, slams down her hands: I didn't need to know that!

Me (responding without thinking) : I meant the word, not the action. Please, I was really unattractive in college you know I didn't get any ass. I really learned it in my 20's

My mom and I stare at each other, blinking. You see, my mom and I can talk about most things (reality TV being the main staple of our relationship) but in her mind I am virginal and will remain so regardless of relationship/marriage/future offspring.

She then puts down the sponge she was using to clean dishes and went outside to smoke half a pack of cigarettes. Every so often she would look at me through the sliding glass door and shake her head. My uncle on the other hand high fived me.

Ah family moments to treasure forever.

Perhaps I Shouldn't Breed

Today I was emailing with a good friend of mine and the subject of babies came up. Specifically about how there was one at the restaurant I was at and well, it was making a God awful sound. You see in my day to day life I don't come in contact with a lot of babies. As such when I see one I immediately freeze up, especially if I'm forced to interact with them. Being a woman of a certain age everyone assumes I can't wait to grow one of them and then raise it. A year or so ago I would have agreed and oohed and awwed. Now... well...I would rather just buy a really nice pair of shoes. In fact my family was due to go decorate cookies with some kids today, but my brother and I formed an anti baby alliance and the cookie decorating was cancelled. I know this may make me see Scrooge like (I'm ok with that) but I knew the second that we walked in there someone would hand me a baby and I would be forced to smile and pretend I know what to do with it.

So the conversation I had with my friend went like this:

Her: But they're so cute!

Me: They crap, you clean it up, they cry, they don't drink. I don't understand what's to like.

Her: But it's baby crap! It's small because they're small.

Me: Yeah, still crap. And potent.

Her: Christmas makes me want to nest and want a baby.

Me: Christmas makes me want to go to Europe and dance on tables and make out with Spaniards.

So, I think that's what I'll do. My friends and I have been talking about taking a trip this spring, I think it's time to put it into motion. I have table dancing to do before I get that horrible Want A Baby holiday sensation. It's bound to hit in a few years and I think before then I have a lot of trouble to raise.

Hodgepodge

- So last week I worked 40 hours in 3 days when sick. This culminated in me getting a respiratory infection and being home sick. It also means I'm not allowed to drink for 2 more days. Apparently the modern medical system has never had to spend the holidays with my family. If they did they would understand that asking this of me is just not safe for mankind. As such I am leaving my family home shortly to buy a case of champagne. I will attempt to not drink it until done with my meds. BUT I'M NOT PROMISING ANYTHING. On the plus side it's only 3 more days until Liz joins me. It's fun because she's awesome, and also because my stepfather is secretly convinced she's my fancy girlfriend. Oh the fun we have.

- Before leaving LA I had to run a few errands. In doing so I saw every celebrity known to mankind. No joke. My favorite was LaToya Jackson who totally saw me recognizing her and thus pulled her bejeweled baseball cap down over her eyes. It was kind of awesome.

- My brother is girlier than I am. He owns a loofa and body wash. The body wash however smells like boy and now so do I. Seriously I smell like every boy I have ever dated. Happy holidays to me!

- I have been home for 18 hours. Thus far I have eaten 5 cookies. This is well under my average. And thus, time for breakfast.

Sleepy

Dudes, I slept 3 hours but I worked almost 20. Thus I am The. Tired. Capitals and periods intended. So, I'm not sure if this is as funny to all you awake people out there but I found it highly amusing.

I had the following conversation with a friend from improv. He had asked what I did this weekend and I told him about the helicopter tour. This was his response:


Him: Woah! Who the fuck are you dating, Scrooge McDuck? Did he have LaunchPad fire up the copter and take you on a spin?

Me: Yep. I didn't want to tell you but it is Mr. MrDuck.

Him: Did you get to see the money pool?

Me: What do you think we did after the helicopter tour?

This is why I only hang out with funny people.

The Weekend: A Recap

- On Friday I went to a holiday party and took my friend Ava as my date. Apparently this created some controversy when she jokingly said that she was going to make an honest woman of me...and now everyone I work with thinks I'm a lesbian. Rumors flying about, staring and pointing. No. Joke. So we decided to play along and then I licked her neck. Yep, that totally put those rumors to rest, yessirree.

- On Saturday I went with a friend/date to 4 different parties. At one I sang Baby Got Back while stone cold sober. Let's just say karaoke when sober is a touch awkward. But, if you sing about big butts it's a smidge easier. The fourth and last party was a house party. Guess who was there? The virgin I hooked up with a week ago and that never called me back. Apparently Los Angeles is approximately one foot big and everyone knows everyone. Let's just say the virgin got really awkward and there was a lot of foot shuffling on his part. On my part I was happy when my date wanted to leave after 20 minutes.

- What else could I be forgetting... oh, that's right on Sunday a different date TOOK ME ON A MOTHERFUCKING HELICOPTER TOUR. Yeah. He did. We met for wine and the second part of the date was a mystery. He then told me we'd be taking a helicopter to see Christmas lights. I had a mild panic attack due to my whole loving the ground and not loving flight thing, but then he surprised me with a bottle of champagne and it helped squash the nerves. Dudes, helicopters are alternately scary and awesome. It's kind of like being in a car but in the air. Also, Christmas lights are pretty from above.

Halfway to 59

Today is my half birthday, which I totally celebrate. However, the celebration will be a bit different today as it's the day of a big annual Christmas party I go to. Also, I'm sick. Wheeee! Below is a conversation I had with my mom:

Me: Half birthday! Woo! Where's my pony?

Mom: Shouldn't it be half a pony?

Me: You're evil. I like it. Yes.

Mom: How are you feeling?

Me: Like death.

Mom: Still going to the party?

Me: Have we met?

Mom: But you won't drink?

Me: Have we met?

Mom: But you're sick?

Me: Mom, say it with me... open bar. Top shelf vodka.

Mom: ...but you're sick?

Me: I don't make fun of your God's, so don't judge mine.

Mom: Understood. Have fun.

Happy half birthday to me!