Monday, April 19, 2010


So... dating can bite me. Seriously. Especially in Los Angeles.

There was the dude who thinks cake is the devil (whereas I consider it one of the 4 major food groups). He also is terrified of bar soap. Let that one sink in. He told me about this and internet, I literally laughed in his face. I am a FANTASTIC dater. I mean when a grown man tells you that he can't keep soap in his house or look at it in a bar without feeling queasy can you really keep a straight face? No. Especially if you're me.

Then there was the Viking. We had a 7 hour long date wherein we laughed, talked, made out like 13 year olds hopped up on hormones, fought, cried and made up. Yeah. I KNOW. We then had a second date which was drama free and fun, followed by more making out like teenagers. And then he poof disappeared. Despite all of the you're amazing talk and the tongues in mouths not our own. So today I have been pouty about it. As dammit, he's a Viking and I tend to date, well, pussies. The fact of the matter is I am tired of the boys and I was all excited to find a man. A man full of drama, yes, but a man none the less.

Internet dating isn't working like it used to for me. Perhaps it's because I've now dated all of the men in Los Angeles. Perhaps it's because I'm nearing 30 at light speed and am now outside of a large portion of male dating age ranges. Who knows. I do however know I am sick of dating guys that are crazy, lame, or go poof into the night. I'm ready for the universe to deliver the dude I'm meant to be with in a bow. A manly bow, but a bow none the less. Is this too much to ask? I don't think so. Also, while I'm asking I would like a million dollars and a unicorn. But mostly the dude. (and the money, let's face facts here). (oh and some cake because I have a cold) (and maybe the unicorn afterall).

My astrologist who I spend money talking to because I'm mature adult told me to put it out into the universe that I'm ready. So universe, listen up. I'm tired of the not right dudes. I'm ready for the right one. And if he's Viking hot, well, that's just all the better.

Sunday, April 11, 2010

Well, Hello There

Apparently I have a blog that I kinda sorta forgot about. Oops? What can I say, I drink a lot.

The last few weeks of my life, they have been busy. So let's recap, all brief like and then I'll go back to regular scheduled programming with updates about my daily shenanigans.

- I went to Vegas. While there I encountered my uncle's new girlfriend who I believe is a former stripper. While at a club she decided she wanted to get to know our family a bit better and reached into my shirt and squeezed a boob. It was at that moment that my brain melted and oozed out my ears in a never before seen fashion. Dudes. It was Awkward. Possibly The Awkward. I do not know you but I wish upon you, internet strangers, that you never ever ever have to go through that. Ever. To erase that memory I ran a stress test of my liver and found a pretty boy. I make fantastic adult choices.

- I went with Ava to go skydiving but could not skydive due to a back injury from the car accident. I did however indoor skydive. It was FANTASTIC. It's like being in Charlie and the Chocolate Factory and soaring up to the ceiling. One of the ladies who did it however did not like the experience however and had a complete melt down in the chamber. Kicking, flipping around and screaming. Watching that really made the experience oh so much better. The comedy, it was high. I suggest you go do this immediately. I do not however suggest you get the photo package unless of course you like know what you look like with jowls. They are, hands down, the most horrible pictures of me ever taken. And that includes the one of me in a hammer pants suit with a perm. Yeah.

- Today I took a segway tour of Long Beach because apparently I'm not a big enough nerd in my day to day life. I fucking loved it. No joke. Oh how I wish I did not love segways, and yet, I do. In fact if asked if I wanted to buy a Vespa or a Segway at this moment I would say Segway. You can spin in place! As I'm essentially 4 years old I found that fantastic. I do not however suggest Segway'ing in the rain. It's cold. And wet. And if possible you look even less cool.

- I'm oddly addicted to The Twitter. I like to call it The Twitter to keep in line with what my mom calls it. But seriously, addicted. It's like 140 character crack. I'm sure I'll be over it in the coming weeks but right now, I can't get enough. So, while I have not been here, I have been updating my life on the interwebz on that forum.

- Internet dating. Yeah. Back out there. Went on a date with a dude who has not eaten a carb in 4 years for fear of gaining weight. FOUR. YEARS. I was tempted to ask if he had a vagina but somehow refrained. If that's what is available in LA well then, I'm going to go and get myself some more cats and a pile of dessert.

Ok kids, I'm spent. I'm off to San Francisco tomorrow for work. There will likely be few shenanigans but I can guarantee I will eat some bread in honor of LA.