Wednesday, May 30, 2007


You know it's going to be a good day when you are awoken because your cat is licking your eyebrow.

It takes about 30 minutes to shower those heebeegeebies off.

Monday, May 28, 2007

There Are No Words

So, I am unwinding on the couch after a long weekend of bar-be-ques, wine and sleeping when what do I find on the television? The Miss Universe Pageant. It caught my eye because they are all wearing their "national costumes". Please notice the quotes around that because I doubt highly that these are based on tradition or national sanction. Some countries were, yes, but others? They seemed to get another memo.

Let's start with the girl who wore a gigant dolphin above her head. Yes, you read that correctly. She was basically wearing pasties with a GIANT FUCKING DOLPHIN somehow hung over her head on wire. I would have loved to have been in the meeting where they developed that.

"Well Stan, our country is known for its beautiful beaches, aquatic life and lush landscape."
"That gives me nothing to work with...wait...aquatic life you say?"
"Yes, should be put her in a bikini?"
"No you fool! You aren't thinking big enough. What we need is a life size dolphin, held up by invisible wires she wears strapped to her back!"
"That spells winner to me!"

Really. And then she had to dance. As she weighed about 80 lbs and had to dance with a dolphin suspended over her head it was a wee bit awkward.

They also had Brazil dressed like a giant butterfly, some poor girl covered in what looked like toilet paper and another covered with so many feather boas you couldn't make out her face. Oh and Ms. USA? Dressed like a slutty Elvis. I am shocked they didn't have firecrackers coming out of her ass, I think they missed the boat on that one.

Ok, it's back on and really, I need to watch. I can't wait until the formal dress compitition, hopefully one of them went all out and has sparklers and a real bird shown in. Because that's classy.

Monday, May 21, 2007

Hard Core Party

This weekend I lived it up like I have never lived it up before. Buckle in kiddies, it's gonna blow your mind. Saturday? I went to a strawberry festival and then Sunday I made up a recipe and baked a pie. WOOO. You know it's a party because an LA party don't stop! I'm officially 87.

In all seriousness strawberry festivals are rad. Churros, old ladies in bedazzled hats and strawberries as far as the eye can see. The best tasting strawberries I have ever had, none the less. I would recommend it. Especially if you have a spare 3 hours to wander around, eat ungodly amounts of food and then nap. The only downside are the porta potties. We seriously haven't come up with a better system? Someone needs to get to work on that, asap. In the meantime if you have access to odd foreign films check out the Australian film Kenny. In short: he takes care of Porta Potties for a living and it's hilarious.

I am in something of a pie coma, so for now, I bid you adieu. Also, because it's 10:30 and past my bed time. I wonder if Matlock is on...

Friday, May 18, 2007

Useless Things

In the past week I have encountered two utterly useless items. This does not include Paris Hilton as that's a given.

1) Yesterday I checked my mail and there was a huge envelope from my car company. I opened it up and inside was a hand drawn sketch of my car, in a different color. Attached was a note thanking for being a customer and to let me know that this sketch was 'suitable for framing'. Now, I overpay for my car as it is. What I would have rather they spent that money on is either figuring out how to get me better gas mileage or, you know, a check addressed to me for a large sum of money. While I appreciate the sketch of my car I have found that I have no use for it. If people want to see said car I will just point out the window and say 'it's the one with wheels'. I however would not point to the large frame hanging over the mantel and say 'it's like that, but black, and you know, three dimentional.'

2) In Disneyland on the mirror over the sink are step by step instructions on how to wash your hands. Seriously? Does someone actually need a manual for that. I can only imagine some person, scratching their head and looking oddly at the faucets. Thank God they noticed the sign however. 'Oh! I get it now! You put the water on your HANDS. That makes so much more sense!' If you need instructions on how to wash your hands you probably shouldn't be out in public. As you probably forgot to put on clothes and don't know your own name.

Ah, I love the modern world. It brings love and joy into my heart. Or judgement and sarcasm to my lips. It's a toss up really.

Monday, May 14, 2007


Saturday I went to Disneyland. Dear sweet merciful Christ, there are a lot of really annoying teenagers in the world. And apparently they all travel in packs.

In line for Splash Mountain there was a kid who looked like the creepy guy from the movie The 'Burbs. You know the one, in leiderhosen. He had really long toenails sticking out of his flip flops and basketbal shorts that he kept pulling up to do an Urkel impression. I wanted to pull him aside and have a talk. The first point would have been the hair and how washing it say, at least once a week, would be good. The second and final point would be how his schtick which he thought was charming and attractive to the ladies was neither. And if he accidentally elbowed me again whilst flapping his arms in a bird impression he was going to get throat punched.

For awhile I was terrified that that was how I acted as a teen. I was afterall in the drama club. Not only that I was in the Thespian Society, the geekiest of the geeks. I thought in horror 'dear God, this is why we got made fun of, no wonder we were all virgins!' Then I realized, no, not even I, Queen of the Geeks, acted like this. I think it's because I wasn't just a geek I was a smart geek. These kids were obviously mildly retarded. Sure back in the day we were annoying but I like to think it was at a much softer decibel. And without that much arm movement. I also have always been somewhat judgemental, ahem, so I mostly stood back and rolled my eyes at the buffoons doing odd things. I got to relive that moment in line.

Enough about the downfall of American youth and let's talk about how I am a chicken. We've previously established this, blah blah blah. But it doesn't just pertain to scary movies, it also goes towards rollercoasters and heights. Oh and flying. And snakes. But I digress...I had never been on Splash Mountain due to this fear but this time I figured hey, I'm taller and older I can do it. As we approached the 'big drop' I turned to the boy and warned him I was going to scream like a 14 year old girl. And I did. Very loudly and for a very long time. The best part however is the fact that they take a picture of this moment for a special keepsake. After seeing the shot I had to buy it as not only is my face etched with fear, my mouth wide open in a scream and my hands clutching the seat but for the guy who sat in front of me. He was about 50 or so with his son. In the picture he looks as though he's doing his taxes. Seriously. He is calm and bored and staring directly into the camera. This to me was worth 12.95.

The rest of my time at Disney was spent running around like a cracked out 3 year old, eating a cookier larger than my head and trying to convince the boy we needed matching mouse ears. I so can't wait to go back. In faact, I will for my birthday in approximately 3 weeks. I figure there is no better way to ring in 27 then spinning around in a teacup like an idiot while simultaneously clutching a corn dog and a churro.

Wednesday, May 09, 2007

Fire 2007

Ok, so here's the deal. I know there are lots of tragedies in the world and that the fire that is currently tearin' up LA is threatening houses and lives and so on and so forth. But...I am selfish. I had a crap day yesterday (thanks new boss!)and just wanted to go home and watch the next to last episode of one of my favorite super girly shows: Gilmore Girls. Feel free to point and laugh, as the boy does, I know most hate it but damnit, I love me some Stars Hollow drama.

I settle into my couch, ready to be entertained for an hour. The episode starts, I am 8 minutes in and BAM: Breaking News. The fire is no longer under control and is headed for the zoo. This coverage went on for two hours. TWO HOURS. It was of course, the only channel in LA that felt that this was news worthy. The coverage went something like this:

First 20 minutes: The fire is headed for the zoo! Animals will more than likely be evactuated! Oh the humanity! (same 3 shots used over and over again)
Second 20 minutes: Well...the fire seems to not be headed to the zoo anymore. So, that's good, right? Right? (same 3 shots used over and over again)
The next hour: Wow, flames look awesome on film, huh? Oh, here's a guy from Los Feliz on the phone. (dude from Los Feliz) Yep, this fire sucks.

Finally at 10 I turned off the TV, fully realizing that I would not have my episode of girly tv. I shake my fist at you, local CW Network. Were 2.5 hours of coverage of the fire really and truly necessary? I mean, we all knew it was burning and we all knew it was in danger of spreading. But it didn't. It just kind of stayed in the same area, burning. Really it wasn't compelling tv. And how is it still breaking news being that the fire had been burning since, oh, 1PM? It's not so much breaking as it is 7 hours old. Way to be on top of things CW, gold star.

Now just give me my Gilmore Girls, preferably tonight and uninterrupted, and we won't have any more problems. If you don't, well, I am just saying...I may punch you in the throat.

Tuesday, May 08, 2007

My Town is on Fire....Again

Dear LA,

I just wanted to write you a brief note. Not sure if you realize this but you seem to be awfully flammable. And also full of idiots that tend to drop matches and/or fireworks in densely wooded areas. So, here's my thought: either you know, be less flammable OR get rid of the idiots. I am leaning towards choice #2, but really, it's your call.

Oh and while you're at it could you also try not to melt me anymore? It's a bit hot outside.

Hugs and Kisses,

PS- Really, you should try and get rid of the idiots. It will also really help traffic immensely. See? Two birds, one you shaped stone. Get to work.

Wednesday, May 02, 2007

Stay Classy, Los Angeles

There is this girl in my office. I don't know her name or what department she's in. I do know, however, she is my least favorite person in the world.

Let's begin with the fact I have never spoken to her. I walk past her roughly 4 or 5 times a day as I run back and forth to my boss' office. Each time I walk past she glares at me. Not looks, not glances, but full on glares. After 5 months of this happening I now make it a point to beam at her, full teeth smile. I am working my way up to a super breezy hello. Perhaps a high five. This of course only seems to enrage her more. In fact when entering the building today she was walking in the opposite direction, when she saw me she laughed loudly. I of course took off my sunglasses and gave her a big smile. She immediately stopped laughing and actually stomped off. The security guard looked at me and shrugged.

My favorite part about this girl is her desk. It's covered, every spare inch, with pictures of herself. Sure, everyone has a picture of themself, but usually there is someone else in the photo. Not her. She has five photos of herself in various poses, framed, scattered around her desk. One frame is even iniscribed with the word Diva. The crowning glory, which I just discovered today, is her screen saver. It's a montage of photos of her face in close up with one full body shot wherein she's wearing a bikini. Bent over. While biting her lip.

The fact I haven't throat punched her I think means I should be nominated for a Nobel Peace Prize. Or at least get some sort of prize. Perhaps a pony.