Monday, December 31, 2007

Happy New Year

I am on my way to a vegetarian fondue party. An LA New Year if there ever was one.

Here's hoping 2008 is kind to us all.

Sunday, December 30, 2007

New Car, It's Been Fun...

Today I hit a parked car. I scraped off all the paint from their bumper and scratched my brand new car pretty badly. I was pulling out of my driveway and their car was parked next to it. Another car came down the street, coming at me, and I over corrected to get out of the way. Good bye money, it was nice knowing you. On the plus side now that I can't afford food, the post holiday diet will be super easy.

Saturday, December 29, 2007

Ready For This Year To Be Over

I am not big on New Years Eve, thinking it an overhyped holiday with expectations that can never be met. That being said, I am decidedly ready for 2007 to be ushered the fuck out. 2007 has sucked beyond belief for many reasons which I have already listed and bitched about on this here little blog. I was thinking about this last night when I was scooping up my purse to run and grab a burger with a friend. As I lifted my purse from my 2 month old couch I noticed something. Something wet. My cats had welcomed me home by peeing on my couch. I would like the going to the bathroom on furniture trend to end with 2007 please. And I would like to door to hit 2007 squarely on the ass upon exit.

Now I am off to clean my couch. Again. My life is awesome.

Monday, December 24, 2007

Christmas Eve

Today is my most favorite day of the year. The house smells like baking, my family all comes together for dinner, and we all sit around and talk. I prefer it over Christmas day with the tearing open of presents and the end to the anticipation.

The house current smell: homemade cinnamon rolls that will be eaten tomorrow.

And now I am off to enjoy a mimosa with my mom and convince her that drunken Wii should be the new holiday tradition.

Happy holidays to you all.

Saturday, December 22, 2007

Home

Got home this afternoon after a very long drive to find this scene...



Faux Arty Christmas shot with new fancy camera...




Even the evil yippy dog looks cute during the holidays...


Wednesday, December 19, 2007

A Cure

Today I feel better, roughly 85% healthy. I have discovered a cure, get a pencil and write it down. Lay around for 4 days watching tv and bemoaning state as a human being, then take cough syrup and an ambien. Sleep for 12 hours. Repeat as necessary.

As such, today I not only left my house I went to work. While there we all compared symptoms and war stories. Even the company president poked his head in the office and said 'I lost 6 pounds, totally worth it!'. Our entire department was out sick on Monday all save one guy, who I called my I Am Legend warrior. He held the ship together and after we all came back in collapsed. Poor dude is so sick now. He contends he'll feel better tomorrow, we all shake out heads and say, wait until 3 AM tonight when you can't breathe and we'll discuss.

Also at work today someone mentioned that they would be coming into the office the day after Christmas and could we schedule a meeting? After I finished laughing I let him know, sure, as long as he doesn't mind that I am in pajamas, in a different state and when I am awake I have a mouth full of cookies.

T minus 2 days until I hightail it out of implants-ville and to a land full of bad tv and family.

Monday, December 17, 2007

Mmmm Relaxing

Imagine sinking into a steaming hot tub, ready to relax (and hopeful it will help you breathe). Suddenly a small furry head pops over the edge and plunges into the water. That small head then begins to lap up the water and regardless of how many times you push him away he pops back up. This goes on for approximately 10 minutes until so frustrated you drain the tub and go back to rocking in the corner.

Fucker.

A Few Notes on TV

As I have made a permenant ass imprint on my couch due to Bronchial Death Flu 2008, I have watched a fair bit (96 hours worth) of TV. A few notes:

1) While I love my ANTM marathons more than most, what did MTV do before this show? Something with music perhaps? No, that can't be it. But MTV has become ANTM central and I have no rewatched cycles 3, 5 & 9. In the past 48 hours. Do I know how to party or do I know how to PAR-TAY?

2) Who greenlit the sequel to The Prince and Me? And why is it being shown on TV? And more importantly, why dear god why did I watch the whole thing?

3) The Price is Right is weird without Bob. There. I said it.

In addition to these wonderful things I have read the entirety of the internet. I am done now. I haven't left my apartment since Thursday. I am about 2 hours away from thinking the people in the little box are talking directly to me. Ok, that's harsh, more like 3 hours.

Sunday, December 16, 2007

Things Are Going Very Well

I haven't left my house since Thursday evening. I still can't breathe and still have a fever. And one of my cats just POOPED IN MY BED. Next to my pillow. This means one of the following:

1) The cat is sick
2) This is some type of coded message telling me they are sick of my presence around these parts and I need to leave and also stop blowing my nose so loudly.


The Gods LOVE me. I'm going back to rocking back and forth in the corner bemoaning my state and trying to figure out how I pissed off the universe so badly. Oh and also change my sheets and try to figure out how to boil my mattress.

Saturday, December 15, 2007

An Open Letter

Dear Next Door Neighbor,

The item sticking out of your door is called ' a door knob'. Say it with me. Do-or, kn-ob. That's right, sound it out. The function of this item is to allow you to turn it and get in and out of your apartment. The turning aspect is key. See, I feel you view the 'door knob' as a 'pulling handle'. A pulling handle that must be pulled with maximum strength each time it's touched or your door won't close. Here's the secret, it will. I know that just pulling it is easier and makes a WONDERFUL banging sound, but that banging sound comes on the other side of my bedroom wall. When I am sick, or you know, it's night time, I tend to sleep in this 'bedroom'. Ergo, the constant banging wakes me up and makes me surly. Don't make me break in and lick your pillows and glassware thus infecting you with Bronchial Fun 2007. Because I will. I am delirious and a bitch. Seriously dude, consider this your warning.

Hugs and Kisses,
Me

PS- Why do you leave your apartment every 20 minutes? Do you have some type of brain injury wherein you think you left something in the car but get down there only to find you haven't, repeat INDEFINITELY? Let's work on this together. And by that, I mean stop asshat, you are annoying.

Friday, December 14, 2007

Not Breathing and Other Fun Items

The problem with a bronchial infection is this: it makes it difficult to breathe. This is especially problematic as I am human and require oxygen to you know, live, and mock others. When you are sick, all you want to do is sleep. However, it's difficult to sleep without breathing. In fact, not breathing will keep you up all night. Ergo I found the one position wherein I could breathe somewhat regularly, said thanks I know yoga, and stared at my ceiling until daybreak. Then I got out of bed and attempted to go to work.

By 'attempted to go to work' I mean the following: I got out of the bed and into the shower. Upon having to turn on said shower I got winded and realized I wouldn't do much good in an office where they require me to move around and do thing other than make guttural noises and point. I then decided it was time to work from home. A most embarrassing thing happened 6 hours after this decision. I was on a call with a coworker when I coughed and somehow knocked out my voice. I just squeaked. Co worker said "are you there??!?' and I said 'squeak'. At which point he instructed me to tap on the phone if I was alive and ok, which I did. Then we decided to move our conversation to IM. I'm a winner.

Between emails and conference calls (and conference IMs) I decided to read an uplifting book. As I have read everything in my house more than once I have one book unread: Less than Zero. A holiday tale sure to pick up the spirits of anyone. A few hours after finishing I was able to extract myself from slowly rocking in the corner while weeping and drink some orange juice.

All in all, a highly productive day.

Thursday, December 13, 2007

You Will Be Shocked

A co worker of mine is sick. Because someone in a 10 foot radius of me sick, and sitting next to me in a conference room, I am sick. I know, you're shocked because I am NEVER sick. Apparently it's been a'brewin' for awhile though as I have a bronchial infection.

Whee! Viva le holidays! Someone punch me in the face!

I swear to Christ one day I will strangle a doctor into telling me why if someone sneezes in Uruguay I get sick. Then I will make said doctor fix it. Then I will do a jig of glee. Excuse me though why I go cough out one of my lungs and bemoan my state. I am chock full of rainbows and joy.

Wednesday, December 12, 2007

Christmas in LA

The heater in my apartment hasn't been working. (As it's a freezing 45 degrees outside (please note, that was heavy sarcasm) I need heat. My once New York-i-fied thick skin has melted away and now I need a sweater if it's in the 60's. Ergo, I have been living under roughly 25 blankets when I am at home. It will be this 'cold' for maybe another few weeks and then it will be 70 and people will be wearing mini skirts with Uggs and my soul will die a little. But I digress...)My landlord gave me a dude to call and we set up an appointment for 9 AM. I woke up, got out of the shower and the doorbell rang. I had a brief moment of panic thinking I had possibly fallen asleep while in the shower then I noticed the clock. In what world is 8:32 actually 9AM? When I said, in surprise 'you're early' he looked at me like I was crazy and said 'it's almost 9!' and then walked past me and fixed the heater. This is the second handyman that has seen me in a robe in about 2 months. They should be really grateful that I dress like a Puritan and own 4 robes that cover 99.9% of me. Needless to say, it was an interesting start to my day.

Last night was my company holiday party. I drank far too much, danced and people watched. At the party were a handful of reality stars, a rapper of some notoriety and a 7 foot tall transexual. Seriously. And now you know why I live in LA, because where in the hell could you possibly find that mix? Oh and she was wearing 5 inch leopard platform shoes. I now know what I am getting my mom for Christmas.

Tuesday, December 11, 2007

All Class, All the Time

I totally own this:



Why? Because I personify class.

Tonight for dinner: wine from a cube. Captain Crunch.

Is that elegance and sophistication I smell? Why, I do believe it is.

Sunday, December 09, 2007

An Open Letter

Dear Whoever Is Pressing the Fast Forward Button on the Weekends,

Could you, like, um, stop it? Seriously dude, it's not cool and it's also fucking with my head. I blink and it's Sunday at 11 and I have shocking amounts of things undone that decidedly need to be done, and this is no fault of my own and the America's Next Top Model marathon on MTV on Saturday. Or the bucket loads of sleep. Not in the least. If you have some overwhelming urge to hit that fast forward button would you kindly only press it Monday through Friday?

Thanks, you're a peach.

xoxo
Me

Friday, December 07, 2007

Schmursday

This week felt very long. Longer than usual. Ergo, I think 'the man' snuck in an extra day. I call this day Schmursday. All I can say is Schmursday sucked dick. Schmursday brought stress and over extension and bagels, because Schmursday isn't all bad, just chock full of carbs.

Luckily, that's all over. I am now on my couch with my cats preparing to bake cookies. I know how to PAR-TAY. But I needed a night in, a night without plans. As lately, all I have are plans. My calendar is so booked that the first free weekend I have is in February 2008. It's just mildly overwhelming. Ergo, a night with cookies and bad movies. Viva le weekend.

Thursday, December 06, 2007

Spicey

I have something to admit. In the 90's when I was a bitter teenager I hated the Spice Girls and their endless pep. I believe I may have had a somewhat biting impression of Ginger Spice. Last night...I went to the Spice Girls concert. And worse, I fucking loved it. I danced, I apparently knew the words to the vast majority of the songs, and along with the rest of the stadium I shook my ass and sang at the top of my lungs to that damn Zig-a-zig-ah song. Oh yeah, I totally did. Without shame.

Here's the deal I ,now, really like pop music. (I also love hip hop & hard core rap, which goes against my whole look and general shocks the shit out of people. I tend to look like Connecticut coughed me up and at any moment I will bake you a pie. I respect the look and look like an asshole when I fight it. I made this mistake a lot in high school and tried to pull off grunge and hipster. I looked like someone's mom dressed up for Halloween. But I digress.) I like pop music and Ryan Seacrest and I totally just admitted that out loud. It's kind of like an alcoholics anonymous meeting but it's me on my couch admitting to rocking out to the new Ashlee Simpson song instead of in a room with stale donuts and coffee.

But here I am, shields off. My name is Meghan and I like the Spice Girls. Feel free to judge. I am.

Tuesday, December 04, 2007

Early Christmas

The boy and I did Christmas over the past weekend due to family stuff coming up over the coming weeks. He got me a kick ass camera. As such this here little blog will have significantly more photography. Like this little gem I have entitled 'Well, hello there ladies...'

Monday, December 03, 2007

All Walken, All The Time

Tonight a friend and I went to a performance called All About Walken. In it a troop of 8 people dress up and impersonate one Mr. Christopher Walken. You really haven't lived until you've seen 8 people in wigs dancing to Thriller.

Quote of the night (said as Christopher Walken if he were a waiter):

"Karate chop...that's how you take out a shark...see people know karate....sharks don't."

Words to live by.

Sunday, December 02, 2007

'Tis The Season

The tree is up...






Disney (at Christmas) has been done...




And I have attended my first LA Christmas party...



God bless you LA and your non fat soy based egg nog. I officially am in the spirit of Christmas now.

Friday, November 30, 2007

Do A Little Dance

Dudes, I did it. I blogged every freakin' day in November. This is quite the feather in my cap as I am lazy. And busy. And again, lazy. So, look at me. Do a jig!

On a completely unrelated note, it's raining in LA today. Do you know what this means? It means it took my coordinator at work 3 hours to drive the 20 miles from his home. When water falls from the sky in this neck of the woods we take it as a personal insult and a sign that God has forsaken us. Also, all Angelinos forget how to operate cars. 'What? You want me to TURN that thing? What's it called again...a wh-eel? Whale? Wheel? No that doesn't sound right.'

The news also covers it, preempting all other shows, for 'STORM WATCH: 2007'. The all caps are necessary to drive home the fact that THE SKY IS LEAKING. This is a major news event. We have had almost an inch of rain here, people. Send FEMA. And supplies. And by supplies I mean cookies. What? A girl's gotta eat.

Thursday, November 29, 2007

You've Outdone Yourself LA

It just took me an hour to go 6.1 miles.

Excuse me while I go scream into the wind.

Wednesday, November 28, 2007

Someone Took a Nap in My Car

Yesterday I went downstairs to get my car and get the hell out of dodge. Being as my office is located in LA and LA has the most cars and the worst parking, our parking garage has stacked parking. If you don't know what that is (I didn't until I moved to the 7th circle of hell) that is when there are pretty much 4 cars to a spot and the 2 outer cars hand over their keys to a waiting attendant. I am usually one of the inner cars as I get to work insanely early. However yesterday I was running a bit late and was one of the lucky outer vehicles.

I picked up my keys and headed to my brand new ride. After getting in I noticed a few weird things. Namely, my seat was moved, the driver's side window was down and there was a forehead print on the passenger side window. Obviously someone either took a joy ride while pressing their little faces to the window to catch the wondrous sites of downtown LA or...two people napped in my car.

Here's the deal. I don't particularly mind that the dudes took it nap it's just the following A) wish they'd asked as I could have brought them blankets and B) if anyone is napping on company time in the comfort of a car, it's me damnit.

Tuesday, November 27, 2007

Celebrity Sightings

One of the benefits of living in LA are the odd celebrity spottings that happen on a daily if not weekly basis. Lately I have had a very good run.

To begin with there was Victoria Beckham sitting 2 tables away from me at brunch. She didn't eat but she did drink a whole pot of coffee and look enviously my sandwich. We are so BFF now, I expect an invite to a sleepover any second.

The next was Danny Bonaduce. He's roughly 4'9. No joke. He was wearing cowboy boots that had a 3 inch heel and still came up to my nose. He was wee but looked like he could totally kick my ass (most people could kick my ass I'm delicate like a flower). Oh and it was 50 degrees outside and he was wearing a spandex muscle tee. It was quite a look.

Finally today I have had the best celeb spotting ever. It has dethroned the Ron Jeremy eating a hot dog spotting. Who could do this? Who could take the crown? The answer to that of course is Snoop. Yes, the original gangsta, the DoggFather. His bodyguards were the biggest human beings I have ever seen. They weren't so much men as they were mountains with arms. You don't fuck with Snoop.

These brief moments in time almost make the traffic worth it. Almost.

Monday, November 26, 2007

An Open Letter

Dear Post Holiday Traffic,

I know, I get it. You don't want to be at work today. Neither do I. We'd all rather be on our couches wearing stretch pants, but back in the office we are. However, it doesn't mean it should take me 20 minutes to go 1.5 miles. I could have, in fact, crawled on my face more quickly. And yes, I know I'm part of the problem as I drove instead of walked, but well, I am still full and the idea of waddling 3 miles round trip was too much for me to bear at 7AM. But let's buck up. Let's also try to not be assholes and randomly decide that waiting in the left hand turn lane is no longer fun and dart into oncoming traffic just for giggles. Take a deep breath and think of the leftovers waiting for you at home.

Also, traffic, if you could talk to the pedestrians and let them know that in fact actually crawling on their face is not the most effective way to cross the street, that'd be the tops. They are a slow moving bunch and it makes me angry. (I have the rage)

Hugs and Kisses,
Me

Sunday, November 25, 2007

A Look Inside

The Boy: Sleep ok?

Me: Um, not really. I don't know if you realize this but when you turn at night you actually hurl your body about 4 feet in the air. I wake up at impact.

The Boy: Do not!

Me: Beg to differ. Last night I got air. You hit and I flew about 2 feet in the air.

The Boy: I turn delicately, like a flower.

Me: Hurl.

The Boy: Glide gently.

Me: Hurl. Feet. In the air!

The Boy: Shut up you love it, I'm like a quirky foreign feather gliding gently back down to sleep.

Me: I have no idea how to respond to that.

Saturday, November 24, 2007

Relaxed

For the first time in a long time, I'm relaxed. This weekend I have cooked, eaten and laughed. Caught up with old friends who I've let too much time pass between conversations. Seen 3 cheesy movies. Read two books. And just breathed. I needed this. I could use about 7 more days of this actually, and the idea of only having one more day off makes my shoulders start to tense again, so I am going to end this train of thought, eat some left over dessert and watch Elf.

Friday, November 23, 2007

Still Full

Apparently if you don't eat for roughly 4 days and then get your appetite/ability to hold down food back on Thanksgiving well, your pants are in for a world of hurt. So full. 24 hours later. And contemplating a go at the biscuits because apparently I would like all of my clothes to rip at the seams a la the Hulk.

Oh and I have updated the blog lay out because I am, admittedly, a 97 year old man and the white on black hurt my delicate eyes. Also, I was drunk.

Thursday, November 22, 2007

Happy Thanksgiving

Have a wonderful day everyone, and remember, the Thanksgiving Parade is the most awkward cheesy fun ever to be broadcast. They have Menudo!

Wednesday, November 21, 2007

Time Warner Cable, I'm Lookin' at You

I am currently attempting to make pumpkin creme brulee and convince my cable box it is in fact a DVR and not a paper weight as it seems to be having an identity crisis. I am the first to admit: I love television. I really really love television especially after such a craptacular week. I was looking forward to coming home at 1 and watching my recorded episodes of Pushing Daisies and ahem, well, you all know I watch total crap made for 14 year olds. I snuggled up on my couch and ... no tv. It was just a blank screen and my clock is insisting it's midnight.

This is the icing on the cake that is my week. I am contemplating putting my head in the oven next to the creme brulee, but well, it's warm in there and I don't deal well with the heat.

It's times like these I am sad I quit smoking.

Tuesday, November 20, 2007

Holiday Memories

A few years back when I was living in Rome I decided to cook Thanksgiving dinner for everyone. The party soon ballooned up to 60 people eager to try a traditional Thanksgiving feast. Thankfully my friend was in town from the states and joined me in a two day long cooking escapade. We were nearing the home stretch and just about to put the GIGANTIC turkeys in the oven. (Two turkeys, each over 30 pounds, but I digress.) Being as turkey isn't really consumed in Italy we had to special order these and they came dead, but with feathers. I danced around like a girl screaming, 'I'm not gonna touch that, y'all are crazy' which my friend translated into Italian for those around us. Luckily the craft service guy was brave and dove right in there. This moment is key you see, because he pulled the feathers out while we watched and then went back to work. In the pulling the feathers out some apparently brushed an apple that was lounging on a different portion of the counter. That apple was to be my lunch.

A few hours after 'lunch' I broke out in sweat. Sweat all over the place and a temperature of 103. My face was flushed and I felt, well, I felt like shit. An hour after that I was huddled praying to the porcelain gods while 60 people enjoyed the fruits of my labor. I would occasionally stumble into the room and wave and then go and promptly pass out again. The next day my doctor showed up on a Vespa while wearing a velour jumpsuit, told me I should only eat rice for the rest of my life, and gave me very strong antibiotics. Despite the fact the doctor had very limited english and told me I should never drink water 'ever, ever agin...so bad', I took the meds and got well. I also lost about 10 lbs. BEST THANKSGIVING EVER.

With my current stomach woes, I look back on this Thanksgiving fondly. Hopefully by the time Thursday rolls around I'll be on the mend and able to enjoy my carefully cooked feast and pumpkin creme brulee. But, the way things are going I am not counting on it. Especially since I just had juice and well, it's bad news bears. If only I had that doctor around, sure she'd be pissed that I am drinking water and have gone off the all rice diet, but the meds she had were awesome. And she had a Vespa for fucks sake. That's just A OK.

Monday, November 19, 2007

It's Official...

I have some how angered the universe. I have food poisoning. It's just badness all around. On the plus side, this a most effective pre Thanksgiving diet.

Excuse me while I go lay down again, I have been sitting for 2 minutes and my head is all woozy.

Sunday, November 18, 2007

Weird, but Good

So my situation is weird but good. The boy and I decided to live apart for while, but still date. We came to the realization that we moved in together way too fast and still needed some space. Hopefully this way we can be better, together, but apart. It's a difficult adjustment but so far, so good.

On a totally different note at brunch this morning I was seated two tables away from Victoria Beckham, aka Posh Spice. She had all her kids with her but no David. Although if David had been there I would have had to walk past with my fingers in my ears as hearing the man speak completely destroys the illusion as he sounds mildly like a British Minnie Mouse. But this is why I love LA: I can enjoy my eggs while stealing glances at a Spice Girl. It's even better than mimosas. Well, maybe it ties. Ok, ok, it's a close second. What? Mimosas are really fucking good.

Saturday, November 17, 2007

Done

It's official, I'm done moving. It only took 3 weeks. No really, 3 full weeks of packing and moving boxes and unpacking. The process has been overwhelming and all consuming and has left the boy and I completely drained. Especially him as I, being delicate like a flower, couldn't lift roughly 75% of the boxes.

But here I am. In my new place. And for the first time in 2 years, I am living alone. Is it wrong for a 27 year old to want a night light?

Now excuse me while I try to find my bed under all the boxes.

Friday, November 16, 2007

Shakey Fist

As you can tell by the theme of the last few entries (stress, death, please god make it stop) this week has been a wee bit rough. Well, today was my coup de grace in horribleness. I did the unthinkable. The thing I have avoided successfully for years. I burst into tears in my boss' office.

Now I am a naturally weepy girl, for reference see Whole Life, Mine. BUT, that being said I hold it together in front of those in charge of my pay check. You want to yell at me? Cool. I will sit there with a smile and take it. I once had a Diet Coke thrown at me because it wasn't cold enough and I simply nodded, said 'sure, I'll fix that' and left with a smile (then cried in the bathroom). I never let them see me sweat. Today, however, when I went to smile and nod as I was ripped a new asshole I started to shake and then did the whole gulping thing then the choking sob. Oh yeah. I sounded like a 5 year old who just lost her Barbie. Words caught in my throat and my face went beet red. It was super classy, lemme tell you. My boss was thrown for a loop to say the very least. But hey, at least he stopped the yelling.

Apparently I am not doing enough. What with the managing of 7 projects with no assistance and the 12 hour days. Excuse me while I go hide under my desk. I think it's safe there. Perhaps G-d will take pity and stop smiting me. Or at least leave a bottle of wine and chocolate under my desk.

Thursday, November 15, 2007

meetin' time

I am still in a meeting. It's 930 at night. BUT...this meeting came with wine. Ergo, its the best insanely long meeting of all time and I am posting from my blackberry because I a A) drunk and B) its national blog posting month and even though my job is trying to kill me, it won't make me miss a post. That's dedication damnit. Or drunkeness. Take your pick.


...

No more alcohol for me.

Wednesday, November 14, 2007

Toast

Kids, today sucked. I'm not gonna lie. It's been a giant, steaming pile of suck. Do you know what makes the suck go away? Wine. Lots of it. We're talking like 8 to 10 bottles. No food to get in the way. (says the girl who is flat out drunk after 2 glasses, but go with me here).

My job is still trying to kill me with the stress and the workload and the stress. Did I mention the stress? And the revisions. Dear sweet merciful christ, the revisions. I am about 2 minutes away from hiding under my desk and crying. Or asking Jesus to turn my water into wine, because really, JESUS YOU OWE ME. Like big. Water into wine right after you give me a massage and buy me a small island kind of big.

I'm toast kids. Totally and 100% burnt out. So not only am I toast, I'm gross toast.

Tuesday, November 13, 2007

Damn You Los Angeles

Dear LA,

Listen, we all know global warming exists (except for those kids in Jesus Camp,which ironically put the fear of G-d in me, but I digress). But really, it's 85 freakin' degrees outside. It's warm, like summer warm. Perhaps you did not get the memo that it's not only November, but it's almost Thanksgiving. LA, please don't make me cook a turkey while the AC is on.

Not cool LA, not cool at all.

Warmly yours,
Me

Monday, November 12, 2007

Things I Have Noticed

The ads on my page are currently for Older Single Men dating sites. What about my recent posts cause that to pop up? No seriously, let's think on it. Was it the mentioning of mom? Of bruises? Perhaps it was the ear drops. I think this is it. Because who doesn't want to date a hot, sexy, older man who gets turned on by such hot items as ear drops and perhaps, if you're lucky, Depends?

When driving back to LA yesterday we passed the Morongo Casino. It was then that the boy got all giggly. When I asked what was up he said he just found it clever that there was a casino named Moron, GO. I think they should name the next one "Ilikademoney". Or perhaps "Youhaveagamblingproblem". I think I shall pitch that one. I can see it really taking off.

Saturday, November 10, 2007

Family

Me: My ear hurts.

Mom: I have ear drops at home.

Me: Oh yeah! I accidentally put those in my eye once.

Mom: Me too! They stung like a bitch. I keep them in a different cabinet now.

Me: We really are related, huh?

Mom: Looks like it.

I heart my mom.

Almost Over

Whenever I'm home with my family time seems to speed up and I for one object. I'm lucky as I am now a 6 hour drive/1 hour flight away. It's significantly easier than the year I lived abroad or the 8 years I spent on the other side of the country, but still it sucks. I just wanted to put that out there.

On the other hand I would probably come home more often if it wasn't for the Dog of Terror. The dog? Is insane. Not like a cute insane but a jumping up and down, so excited he accidentally bites you insane. And he once ate my flip flop (if you know me, you don't fuck with my flip flops). He just 'accidentally' bit my belly. I think this wasn't an accident but more of a 'fuck off blondie, you're invading my turf...give me a cookie'. And the bite totally disrupted my viewing of yet another ANTM marathon. Horrible segue, but for real, is MTV solely an ANTM station now? I have seen 3 marathons since I've been home, no exaggeration. I have of course, watched them all. Why? Because I am A) classy and B) it's like 95 outside and I am ignoring the heat. One day I will again live in a place with seasons and this will be a good day. I will then of course bitch about the snow, but I am ok with that.

Friday, November 09, 2007

Home Again, Home Again

Last night the knock on the door was the census lady. Apparently they didn't get the 25 page census I filled out and mailed back in, and if I didn't let her in my apartment RIGHT THIS MINUTE I was facing a fine and possible jail time. Who knew the census people wielded so much power? And also, took the census so seriously?

So the census lady came in and asked me a bunch of questions then finally, after what seemed to be a very long time (in which she gave me life advice that was mildly inappropriate) she left. This was good as her arrival occurred at the exact moment I was packing my bags to come home for the weekend. So instead of getting home around 12 or 1AM I got in at 3. Good times!

I have spent the day drinking with an old friend and playing Wii, so it's pretty much my LA routine but in a significantly warmer climate. And with a dog who doesn't understand A) personal space and B) that my head is in fact not a pillow.

It's good to be home.

Thursday, November 08, 2007

It's Official, I Have Too Much Stuff

My new couch and chair were delivered to my soon to be moved into apartment.


When we measured and did a graph in photoshop it was all 'hey! look how much room you'll have!' Um...yeah. I don't. In fact I may have to pole vault over my couch to get to my desk. I may also have to sleep with some books and DVDs tucked into bed with me. And my wine collection. And a printer or two.

I love, LOVE, my new apartment. And I equally love all my furniture, of which there is plenty. But as I am downgrading from a 1500 square foot 2 bedroom to a 700 square foot one bedroom, well, there's just no room to put stuff.

It's totally normal to have to store shoes in the fridge, right? Excellent.

Oh...fuck. More later on the 'oh fuck'. Knock at the door, it's not fun...

Wednesday, November 07, 2007

A Fashionable Appearance

Today I gave a talk at USC... while wearing my squishy shoe for my sprained ankle, toes all waving about. I know how to make an appearance.

When I agreed to give the talk I forgot one very important detail. That detail? My complete terror when asked to speak in front of large groups of people. Especially when being filmed. On the plus side I think my heart racing was an excellent form of cardio.

Today was traumatic. I need to go put my foot up and find my happy place. That happy place? The CW. As I am 14 and effing love Gossip Girl and America's Next Top Model. Which brings us the ANTM quote of the night: "She's not in control of her sexy." No, no she's not, Tyra. Perhaps she could use an orthopedic squishy shoe.

Tuesday, November 06, 2007

My Cats Can Fly

The other day the boy came home from the gym. I had left for work about 20 minutes earlier. He found the cats like this:






They had apparently gotten the treats down off the top of the armoire, which is over 6 feet tall. There were no stools or boxes nearby, nothing for them to climb up on to get these treats. The armoire is alone in a room as that is the only room I have packed thus far (ah, procrastination, how I love thee). I have come to the only logical conclusion that my cats have learned how to fly. See, look at the black one's eyes. He's up to somethin'. Somethin' involving dark magic or other cat fancies.

This does not bode well for me. Next thing I know they'll be having parties while I'm out or getting their driver's license. Not good, not good at all.

Monday, November 05, 2007

Lookin' Good

Today, I looked awesome. Why did I look so awesome? Well, first off, I was wearing a beige orthopedic shoe and second, I had rockin' VPL.

It seems when I slipped in the kitchen on Friday I severely sprained my ankle. The activity over the weekend made it worse so yesterday I mostly laid around and made guttural noises whilst pointing at my ankle and making a sad face. Today I went to the doctor and after a few creepy moment, he gave me a fancy walking shoe. It's HOT. I am thinking of bedazzling it, you know, to class it up.

Why do I always find odd Ukrainian doctors? They like to tell me I remind them of girls from their home country and then, remark on my muscular calves. This has happened to me at least 4 times, today was just another to add to the list. Apparently if I moved to the Ukraine I could be married and pregnant (with a strong calved baby) in approximately 10 seconds. I like to call this plan B.

Oh, and the pain meds they gave me made me so loopy that at work when talking to a coworker I accidentally almost said I love you while hanging up. It went something like this, 'Hey thanks for the dubs, talk to you later, I l-- have to go or something, yeah'. No more pain pills at work. Although on the upside, it made the day fly by.

I = class act

Sunday, November 04, 2007

I Should Probably Hire Some Help

Thus far in the process of moving I have:

- dropped something on my bare toe. It cut the skin and bruised the toe. So now I call myself Purple Toe which would be excellent if I were a pirate.

- jammed my shoulder in the doorway

- broken 3 glass items

- tripped over 5 boxes

- accumulated 9 new bruises

Really, they should just wrap me in bubble wrap before sending me out into the world. I have officially started the process of hiring movers as I can see the headline now 'Girl somehow traps self in fridge after ill fated move'. To avoid that death, I believe, is worth $500.

Saturday, November 03, 2007

Feels like Summer

It's hot outside today. Hot hot. Which is awesome you know, because who would want a cooler day when moving furniture and heavy books?

Which brings me to my second point (assuming there was actually a first) in that moving sucks ass. I am moving piecemeal since we technically have this apartment until the end of the month. I would not recommend this. Half my stuff is in the other place and half my stuff is here. But, I have to stay here as the truly important things are in this apartment: my fridge, my cats and cable TV. And I love my TV. In the new place the first day they could come was the 17th. Ah corporate America, come and give me a hug. So I can knee you in the balls.

Off to pack my umpteenth box of the day and once again realize I save everything. EVERYTHING. I had movie tickets from 1999 that have made it through 3 moves. Cross country. I think it's finally ok to put to rest my ticket for Requiem for a Dream from 10.8.99. Rest in peace little ticket. And please take all of your little friends with you.

Friday, November 02, 2007

Well, That Sucked

At work today I was in the kitchen getting a glass of water before I left. I didn't notice the puddle of water on the floor until I had already stepped in it, hydroplaned on the floor, twisted my leg and fell. This was caused by the fact that there was water on our oh so slippery floors and I was wearing flip flops and well, God hates me.

So I had to stay after work to assure HR that I am in fact not going to the hospital for my twisty leg and I also am not suing them. I had to say to them, literally, 'Look, I get hurt a lot. Things and people fall on me or I fall down stairs. Or walk into things. Yes, there was water on the floor and I slipped. Shit happens. My knee hurts and I would like to go home. If for some reason my leg just up and falls off and I have to go to the hospital, I'll call you." And with that I hobbled out of my office and made my way home, oh so gracefully.

So now I am home. And I am looking for my Vicadin. Because Vicadin makes the world ok and makes my leg less hurty. Viva le drugs.

Thursday, November 01, 2007

Hmm...

A friend of mine is doing NaNoWriMo. I said, yeah, I'll totally do it! And then I realized that I am moving in a week, not yet packed and well, I like not thinking for a few hours after work. Reality television helps with this immensely. So then I saw this. I thought, hey, now that I may be able to do!

Maybe.

If I don't get sucked into another America's Next Top Model marathon on Vh1. Man, those bitches are crazy. But, I digress. I am going to try my darndest to do both. One may or may not happen. But, here's the beginning of me trying to post every day in November.

Who's looking forward to some stories about my cats??? Just me. Rock.

Monday, October 29, 2007

Computer Go Boom

My computer has assploaded. We tried to install a certain new operating system named after a certain fast land mammal and now my computer is pretty much a fancy paperweight. The boy worked diligently on it all day yesterday but it still refuses to believe that I do in fact live in America, speak English and like the internet. The week is off to an awesome start.

I also know this will be a super great day because this morning I was woken up by my cat biting my nose. Hard. I have a little mark now and thus get to explain to coworkers what happened. I am just going to say I was in a bar fight. This explanation works for two reasons: it negates the whole crazy cat lady persona and it may prompt them to leave me alone. That would be lovely. For some reason Mondays in my office are painfully busy, so I would rather claim shiving a man with a beer bottle and incurring a small scratch than having to run around clutching 19 creative briefs as I just make it to my 1000th meeting. I think it's a totally plausible story. Perhaps today is not the day to wear J Crew and pigtails. Food for thought.

Wednesday, October 24, 2007

So That's Fun

I've stopped sleeping pretty much full stop. It's awesome. I would totally recommend it to a friend. Especially if said friend enjoyed nodding off at their desk only to wake when their head hit the corner of the cabinet next to said desk. As my body is actually 90% bruise the new one will just blend right in.

Speaking of bruises I have a rockin' one on my calf. The other night I was asleep (this was before the apparently sleep ban) and I woke up because I felt someone stabbing me in the leg. Only I was alone and as far as I know my cats neither have a vendetta or opposible thumbs with which to hold a knife. So, obviously the logical conclusion to come to at 3 in the morning when you have a stabbing pain in your leg, is that you have a very angry ghost. Upon deciding that there is an angry ghost all a'stabbin' I woke-the-fuck-up. This may or may not have been the beginning of sleepless a thon 2007, but I digress. The next morning my calf was purple. The bruise is now about 4 inches in diameter and a wonderful shade of green. People at work often stop to point it out asking 'Oh My GOD! That's huge! Did you know you had that? How'd it happen?' As one can not punch co workers in the face without serious repercussions, I say, yes, I know, and no, no idea but I have a completely plausible theory involving ghosts. That's when they walk slowly away. I'm a friend making machine.

Monday, October 22, 2007

My City is on Fire, Again...Again

Ah LA, this was fun the first time. But now that we are at the 5th fire, it's getting a bit old. So how about you quit bursting into flames and I'll bake you a cake? I think that's a pretty fair deal. So you consider that Los Angeles, I'll be over here, waiting patiently.

Seriously though I am lucky I am in an area that's fairly central and urban maeaning that I am about 20 miles away from the fire and the only landscaping around is the small patch of grass in front of my building. The fire would have to burn through all of Beverly Hills to reach me and BH would simply not stand for it. They'd stamp their Jimmy Choos and demand the fire turn right around because do you KNOW who they are? And the fire would listen. I wouldn't want to piss someone off who is 98% synthetic either.

On a pleasant note yesterday I got a Wii. I spent about 12 hours of my day playing electronic versions of games I would never go near in real life. Apparently I am an excellent golfer, a world class bowler and the worst boxer known to man. And, it's awesome. The Wii is my new life partner and I have pledged my undying love and gratitude for it's existence. On top of all this the Wii has taught me something: I really, really, really need to go to the gym. After 12 hours of fake sports my back and arms are sore like I actually did something. Today at work when I couldn't fully move my arm and people asked why, I simply said I had played tennis all weekend. I neglected to say that the tennis was on my television set and I was playing whilst in my pajamas.

Speaking of pajamas, it's 9:30 and as I am 129, it's time for bed.

Thursday, October 18, 2007

They're Trying to Kill Me

My job is trying to kill me. Today I had lunch at 7:30PM. Mmmm. On the plus side, eating only 2 meals a day and slowly ripping my hair out, is an effective diet. Stress, it's what's for dinner.

Before work today I went to look at an apartment as I am thinking of moving. The apartment was adorable if tiny. That is until I turned around to inspect the kitchen. I had to do a double take and that's when I realized there was no stove. There was a fridge, plenty of cabinets, the works. When I asked if they were going to install one the woman laughed, said no, and then said that I could get a hot plate. Who the fuck builds an apartment with no stove BUT includes a fireplace? For a brief second of insanity, I considered it, as well, I could install a spit and really enjoy rotisserie chicken.

One day I will live in a city wherein you don't have to make 250k to live in a one bedroom. It's a magical place I dream of, with plentiful and affordale housing, perhaps downwind of a cookie factory. One day...

Tuesday, October 16, 2007

I Knew It Would Happen One Day

Every morning, regardless of time I go to sleep or need to get up, I wake up at 6. Every fucking day. Sunday? Up at 6. This morning? Up at 6. I even took an ambien last night in hopes I would sleep past dawn. Didn't happen.

I am officially my grandpa.

Sunday, October 14, 2007

I Would Like Another Weekend, Please

This morning I was sitting on the couch and beginning my glorious day of doing nothing. One of the cats jumped up and we were cuddling when suddenly I noticed he had a bug on his head. Wait...two. Wait. MOTHERFUCKER HE HAS FLEAS. I immediately did the heebie jeebie dance and then began to deconstruct my entire apartment brick by brick.

I have washed everything not nailed down, steam cleaned the carpets and furniture (including the mattress), washed the cats (twice) and then sprayed. And yet? I feel like I could be doing more. Like tracking down the source of the fleas and punching them in the face repeatedly and then making them go to work for me tomorrow so I can finally relax. I honestly have no idea how they got fleas. They are indoor cats soley, I vaccuum obsessively as I am obsessed with my vaccuum and well, I have no third option. Basically, I am mind boggled, and totally 100% skeeved out.

So that was my day. And yesterday I bought a car. Whee. Because that experience is often totally fun, not at all time consumming and just a pleasure all around. We shopped from 9AM until 7PM. I finally returned to the first place we went and bought the first car I had seen. I'm a gem. And the proud owner of a car that doesn't get roughly 2 miles to a gallon like the old SUV.

Excuse me, I have to go get everything I own out of the dryer. Including my drapes.

Tuesday, October 09, 2007

Ouch

I just put an apple pie in the oven. When making said pie I accidentally zested my finger. It hurt. I would recommend not doing this, especially if you don't at first realize that you broke the skin and the squeeze juice from a lemon, and said juice gets into the cut. Damn you lemons! This better be one kick ass pie.

Oh and does anyone find it odd that I am making a pie while watching The Biggest Loser? No? Just me? Fantastic.

Carry on.

Sunday, October 07, 2007

Apple Picking

Yesterday I went apple picking. When I told people I was going their first response was 'What, in California?' My response was yes, apparently they do that here as well. And while it wasn't the same as upstate New York, it was awesome. Especially since the apple farm was in CA, they made it into Apple Picker's Disneyland.

See in NY, and I'm assuming most eastern states, you go to an orchard, you buy a basket, put apples in it and go home. Here? There were colonial costumes, roping contests, hay rides and just a general sense of production. Adding to this was the fact that it was insanely crowded with people hoping for a day of normalcy and country (yours truly included), but these assholes apparently didn't know orchards have dirt. My favorite was the chick in a full pants suit with a look of disgust as she clutched her apple basket and tried not to get her loafers dirty. My second favorite? The girl in 4 inch heels trying oh so hard to stay upright and not go ass over head down a hill. It brought joy to my black heart.

I was going to include pictures but Blogger hates my mac with a fiery burning passion, ergo, I will have to add them later when I can commandeer a PC. Rock. Feel free to wait with baited breath.







Friday, October 05, 2007

What I Do With My Time

A conversation I had today via email with a friend:

Her: What r your feelings on Dane Cook?

Me: I go back and forth on him. Sometimes I think he's funny but most of the time I want to punch him in the face. He's hot though in a 'he's totally gonna give me a VD' way.

Her: HAHAHAHA. Herpes? Or maybe something ickier?... But is anything really as icky as Herpes?

Me: I wouldn't narrow it down to just one VD to be honest. He's probably got a series, so it's all itchin' and burnin' all the time.

Her: Who did he date? I dont remember.... Wasnt he linked to someone?

Me: Jessica Simpson

Her: Oh right! ... Well, she's a dirty, stupid ho so it would not surprise me if she gave him the clap. OR, better yet, he gave HER something and she was all "what's that pretty red tint in my cooch?" (I'm gross.)

Me: I am a font of celebrity knowledge, it's sick really... I'm sure they traded off VDs as she's also bumped uglies with Johnny Knoxville, who is in the dictionary under 'infectious genital ailments'

Her: I read that whilst I sipped my Dr. Pepper and proceeded to snort it up my nose when I began to laugh.

Me: Oops? That's gotta burn. Much like the privates of one Johnny Knoxville. See what I did there? I brought it full circle. It's called comedy.

Thursday, October 04, 2007

Ok...1 more thing

Apparently I duplicated one of my 100 things, so here's a new #94:

94) I eat candy bars very oddly. I peel off all the chocolate with my teeth and then eat the inside. York Peppermint Patties taste the best when eaten this way. Oh and went eating a Certs I eat the white outer circle first then the small inner circle of breath minty goodness. I don't eat candy often, and never in public. People stare...learned that one the hard way.

I was going to do a little photo exhibit of the Peppermint Patty in stages but A) I left it at work and B) The camera is like way over there and it would require getting off the couch.

Monday, October 01, 2007

The Final 10 Things

Alright, let's finish this bastard of a list up:

91) I'm afraid of the dark. Seriously. When alone I have to at least fall asleep with the TV on because if it's totally dark I panic.
92) I've seen a ghost. I was 8 and falling asleep in bed. I looked in the hallway and there was an old woman I had never seen staring at me. She waved and I waved back, then the phone rang and she dissappeared. The phone was ringing to tell us that my great grandma had passed away about an hour before. When I was showed a picture of my great grandma it was the woman from the hallway.
93) I was raised by a very practical woman. This practical and structured upbringing fights with my flighty nature. Without this upbringing I would currently, more than likely, be in Thailand teaching yoga or on a ranch with 100 pets. It's a constant struggle to find a balance between the two. I haven't yet.
94) I'm a horrible loser. I get pissed, I pout and swear that the other person cheated. This is why the game Monopoly has been banned from my house.
95) I can curse, fluently, in Italian and French. The rest of those two languages are gone from memory.
96) I curse way too much, especially when nervous. I am trying to curb this but it's a really hard habit to break.
97) I am half Polish, half German with a teeny pinch of Irish. Ergo, I am pale.
98) My brother and I look alike. This is weird because neither of us look like our mother and we have different fathers.
99) I am a big chicken, which is has been well covered. But, I used to be a big Buffy fan (geek flag, it's a'wavin') and it scared the crap out of me. I also love to read older horror novels like Dracula and Frankenstein.
100) Small teeth creep me out. Crooked, discolored, etc I am fine with. But small? They give me the wiggins.

Saturday, September 29, 2007

Tasty, Tasty Weekend

The boy was out of town last night so I decided to have a girl's night in. Meaning, I sat around in my pajamas, watched a Gilmore Girls marathon and read a book. The book I am reading is called Eat, Pray, Love and if you have a uterus you'll love it. The first portion of the book takes place in Italy which made me miss Rome something awful. I loved Rome. Living in Rome was the happiest I think I have ever been. I remember once crying when I walked through my neighborhood because I was just so damn happy. Yeah, I'm that girl.

Anyway, reading this book made me hungry. And damnit, if this chick can spend four months eating nothing but pizza, pasta and gelatto (I've been there sister, it was awesome) then I am entitled to make myself some Rice Krispie treats. And eat the whole pan. I only got through half the pan last night before I started to get the food sweats, but don't worry, I finished the rest for breakfast. Because A) I'm classy and B) Rice Krispies are totally a breakfast food.

Tomorrow I am headed to the LA County Fair with some friends. While there I plan on hitting the Tilt-A-Whirl like it's going out of style and consumming a large amount of fried dough products.

The diet is going REALLY well, why do you ask?

Tuesday, September 25, 2007

Skill and Grace

Today I was wearing a new fancy shirt that had a tie in the back. It came a little loose so I went in the bathroom so I could look in the mirror while I retied it. When I finished tying the bow I turned to walk through the door. Only, it wasn't a door. It was a mirrored wall reflecting the door. I full on body slammed the mirror. It hurt.

Atfer I body checked the wall I immediately went 'Whoa...Whoopsie' because I am 87, and that's my vernacular. If that weren't bad enough people in the stalls started to giggle then full out laugh. You know when you are a winner when you are standing there, rubbing your forehead which has an awesome red mark, and people you don't know are laughing at you whilst they pee. I had to debate whether to make a run for it before they could find out who I was or to wipe off the nose print I had left on the mirror. I chose to make a break for it.

Today, before and after the mirror incident, my body hurts. I chose to do some yoga yesterday and popped in a new DVD. Apparently this DVD was yoga for sadists. Generally speaking yoga relaxes the muscles and helps stretch out the kinks. This did not. It was also bizarre as they wanted me to put my arms out and spin around in a circle for a few minutes. Um...no? Not only did I stop doing that when I was around 8, but I don't like to do that in enclosed areas as well, I will break things. And, it was weird. The rest of it however was standard yoga just on crack. So, I can't really move. Or breathe normally. Or sit without pain.

All in all, an awesome day.

Friday, September 21, 2007

Damn You, Southern California!

All the weather stations in town have, for the last week, been screaming about rain. Rain! Friday! It's a comin' and build and ark. As I sit here on my couch I can tell you it's currently nothing but blue skies and it's pissing me off. I had many rainy day plans mostly revolving around sitting in my pajamas and watching old movies and sipping hot chocolate. Doing this while it's gorgeous outside makes me feel lazy rather than all cozy. This isn't stopping me from doing it however. But still, is it too much to ask for one day of fall like weather? Come on LA, you have it in you, I know.

Side note: went to see The Arcade Fire in concert last night. If you ever get a chance, GO, run towards the concert venue. They are effing amazing in concert. Also good: LCD Sound System, they are quite choice. Even better if you are seated in a the row in front of a dude who before the concert started tried to convince his date that LCD Sound System was not a band, but rather just a line in the program referring the sound system the bands would be using. When the band did come on he proceeded to pout. It made me giggle.

Wednesday, September 19, 2007

Today...

Can kiss my ass.

I am trying to remain zen and calm, it's not working. Ok, so in short here's the deal: I hate corporate America. Especially the insurance industry. I am changing jobs (surprise) and as such my insurance is ending. I have a day off before I start said new job and I had scheduled TONS of very necessary doctors appointments. As I was under the impression my insurance would continue until the end of the work week per the employee handbook. Apparently, this was an old edition. My insurance? Ends tonight at midnight. So the appointments I had to make weeks and months in advance I had to cancel. Why?

Well...I'll tell you. Because I haven't OFFICIALLY paid for my Cobra insurance yet, even though by law it's active as of midnight tonight, I can't use this insurance at the doctor's tomorrow. Ergo, I would have to pay in full for some very pricey, and needed, blood tests. Then I would have to take the bill that I have already paid and try and get it back from the Cobra insurance company, once I have paid them my $700 per month fee. The doctor's appointment alone is about $300 and the tests are estimated to be within $1000 to $3000 dollars. Um...no thanks?

So I spent today cancelling my appointments and then promptly bursting into tears. Because I am a big ol' girl and am irritated. Not only because I can not do the tests for awhile, but also because I had decided after talking with my mom about the importance of said tests and at her urging, to not go visit my grandpa this weekend for his 85th birthday and instead go to the doctors. So now my family is flying to see him, and I will sit in my apartment. On the plus side, I will more than likely be very very drunk.

In short I leave you with this: I really really really fucking hate big business and the lack of universal health care. (and I like wine)

Friday, September 14, 2007

40 More things

Hot damn these are hard. Here's 40 more....10 more to go. Later. Maybe. Probably.

51) I am incredibly emotional. I cry often, especially if fighting with someone.
52) I used to receive validation from this blog, which was nice. Then it got bad. Then I came back. It makes me oddly sad that I don't get comments on my posts. And that makes me feel stupid, which is awesome.
53) I saw the movie Dirty Dancing in the theatre 73 times...with my mom. We memorized it and bought the VHS as soon as it came out, it cost 80 dollars.
54) When learning to ride a bike my cousins told me the best way to learn was by going down a big hill. I lost control, went about mach 10, and crashed through a picket fence and landed in a rose bush.
55) I can do odd tricks with my toes. This is because I have broken 5 of them and they didn't heal properly.
56) I can cross one eye and leave the other straight.
57) I blow my nose really loudly. Think old man trucker loud. It's because I'm classy.
58) In 4th grade I was bored in class so I faked having bronchitis for 3 weeks. (I do a really good impression of the cough) My mom came home to check on me one day and found me playing in the living room and sent me back to school.
59) By 'playing in the living room' I mean taking a roll of contact paper meant for the cabinets and cutting it into thin strips then creating a spider web across the entire living room. My mom was too entertained to punish me.
60) I was given a stuffed rabbit for Easter when I was 5, I still sleep with it when I'm alone. His name is Fluffy.
61) I was once told I can not call myself a geek because I don't like sci fi. I think that's wrong.
62) I have worked with and for two Ghost Busters.
63) When bored I pluck my eyebrows, and the eyebrows of those around me.
64) My senior year of high school I stepped on a scorpion, barefoot. My mom didn't believe me as I had a tendency to make up excuses to skip school. My foot was numb until 6th period.
65) 6th period I was a TA for Honors History. The teacher loved me so mostly I napped in the back or took a long lunch.
66) I am nearly always cold. So much so that I keep a blanket under my desk at work. When I am warm, I'm miserable.
67) Since moving to LA I am tan for the first time in my life. My version of 'tan' is most people's version of 'normal flesh tone'
68) I hate summer, which is fun, being as I live southern California.
69) I played softball for years, I was the catcher. I stopped at 14 after I blew out my knee the first time.
70) I take really horrible ID photos. Beyond normal. I sneezed in my college freshman ID photo and they made me keep that shot.
71) I crack my bones often, and usually without intending to do so. My neck and shoulders crack on their own when stretching or just taking a deep breath.
72) I went to Australia in October. While there a kangaroo jumped in front of our car while we were parked looking at stars.
73) I have swum in the Pacific, Atlantic and Indian oceans and lived in Italy for a year, but I have never been to Canada or
Mexico.
74) I have only seen Star Wars once, I was 5.
75) When I was 17 I wrote and directed a play for the Make a Wish foundation, based on the death of my best friend. We raised over 7 thousand dollars. The theatre manager 'misplaced' 3000 of that amount.
76) I wear flip flops roughly 10 months a year. This is the biggest benefit of living in LA.
77) I once worked with a cast member from Dirty Dancing. As my wrap gift he gave me a signed headshot that says 'Nobody puts Meghan in the corner'...it's the coolest thing I own.
78) I don't drink coffee or tea.
79) I don't eat potatoes in any form other than french fries, and they have to thin.
80) I am most comfortable on or in the water.
81) I am obsessed with storms and if I had balls, would be a professional storm chasher.
82) The one thing I hate about LA (besides traffic and a lot of the people) is the lack of weather and rain.
83) I was best described wih the sentence 'Jack of all trades, master of none'
84) I once spent 12 hours waiting for a delayed flight to a place that was exactly a 12 hour drive away.
85) When bored I plan extensive road trips. I have yet to take one of the trips. Next fall, come hell or highwater, I am taking one.
86) I am the worst loser of all times, especially at board games.
87) When I was younger I was an excellent tennis player. I want to relearn the game.
88) I have always felt slightly on the outside of things, never quite fitting.
89) Once in Paris at age 17 I tripped, skidded, and landed in a group of tourists. They took pictures. Someone in Germany has a very odd picture of me.

Tuesday, September 11, 2007

Things About Me

As blogging is in and of itself a narcassistic outlet, I figured to up that. Also, I am bored. Ergo my list of 100 things about me... (or as far as I get before I get distracted by something shiny).

1) I am allergic to tomatoes.
2) I don't eat anything from the sea.
3) Or any condiments. None. Including salad dressing.
4) If I ever get engaged I don't want a diamond ring, I think they are impractical and the diamond industry is evil.
5) I have been in love twice.
6) I am slightly obsessive compulsive.
7) I make lists and schedules for everything, including my life.
8) My goal for this year is to no longer make lists for my life and stop putting timelines on myself.
9) I have dislocated my kneecap 6 seperate times. It hurts equally each time.
10) My copy of '1000 Places to See Before You Die' is my most used book. It contains post its for where I want to go, and check marks for where I've been.
11) I believe Diet Sprite is a cure all for all diseases.
12) I fully believe in astrology. My grandma was an astrologist and did a reading for me at least once a month my entire life.
13) I am a double gemini with aries rising, ergo I like to talk and have a temper.
14) I am at all times in the middle of reading a book, usually more than one.
15) I am currently trying to work my way through the Time Magazines top 100 books of all times, some of them are very, very boring.
16) I started reading when I was 3.
17) I was a late, late bloomer and had only kissed 3 boys at the age of 21.
18) I applied to only one college, thinking I wouldn't get in and would just bum around Europe for a year. I got in and went.
19) In high school I put so much pressure on myself to be perfect I ended up with health problems that affect me to this day.
20) I have since given up the notion of being perfect.
21) In college I discovered drugs and alcohol. I liked it too much, so I stopped. When I was 23.
22) I have danced on bars in 3 countries.
23) I am incredibly critical of everybody (especially myself), it's something I am trying to work on.
24) My mom is the cleanest/tidiest person of all time. The only way I have ever rebelled (that she knows of) is by being messy.
25) As I am getting older my hair is getting darker, it used to be BLONDE and is now a dark blonde/light brown. This pisses me off.
26) I used to write fiction all the time but have had writer's block for over three years.
27) I don't really like what I do for a living, but I am really, really good at it.
28) I am completely tone deaf.
29) I sing loudly along with the radio when on car trips, I am sure this is annoying but I can't help myself.
30) When I was 12 I decided to pierce my own belly button with a safety pin. The ring ripped out at a swim party and now I have a nasty scar.
31) I was once very overweight, as such it's affected the way I view myself. I call this 'Fat Girl Hangover'
32) I have a mole on my face that I hate.
33) I am partially deaf in my left ear which was caused when my ear drum ruptured mid flight when I was 8.
34) I was in a near plane crash at the age of 20. The engines went on the plane and kicked back in just in time.
35) I am really scared of flying now.
36) I was .25 miles away from the towers when they fell.
37) I miss living in New York but I don't think I am ready to move back yet, if ever.
38) I secretly really like LA.
39) My eyes change colors, they are either blue or dark green.
40) I have a tattoo on the small of my back, aka a tramp stamp. I got it when I was 18.
41) I have been in 1 car accident. My car was hit by a cab trying to pick up a customer on 57th and Lex.
42) I talk to my mom every day on my way home from work.
43) I once stayed up until 4AM to watch a water polo match featuring Croatia.
44) I have a girl crush on Amy Sedaris.
45) I can't roll my R's, neither can my mom or brother, damn recessive genes.
46) I can't roll my tongue either.
47) When I was 3 I told my grandma that she and I had been sisters in Russia and told her how we died, she told this story to everyone and sometimes when I would leave her house she'd squeeze my arm and ask me if I remembered more. I didn't.
48) I have a scar on my left knee from when I fell of my bike and skided down the road on just my knee. I was 11.
49) I have always been a klutz.
50) Until college I had to sleep with the closet closed or I couldn't sleep. This was secretly because I had decided at age 7 that Freddy Krueger lived in my closet.

Enough for now, maybe more later.

Monday, September 10, 2007

Stressball

That's me. I am a pure ball of stress. It's super awesome to be me and especially to be around me. I mostly want to crawl under the covers and emerge a few days later to find everything done, neatly and perfectly, and also some fresh baked cookies. I figure if you're dreaming you may as well dream big.

Due to the stress I am also sick again. Gasp! Shock! Dismay! I know, you are thinking to yourself, 'surely, you the healthiest person ever, can't be sick!' but alas, I have a cold. sniffle. It's brought on solely by lack of sleep, tension that could kill an ox, and the fact I am delicate like a flower. I am trying to get it all figured out, as I have a mild chronic health condition that leads to a slightly weakened immune system, and the medication I am on is supposed to help that. Ergo, I have to go to the doctor and angrily shake my pills while saying 'these little 'uns aren't a'workin' and also demanding Xanax because well, I enjoy it.

On the plus side, I now have water again. It was turned back on Friday afternoon and I was able to shower and then sadly, go to work. But, on the plus side I was able to have my party on Saturday and didn't have to force my guests to use the litter box. At the party I also had a s'mores station, and well, that plus running water equals heaven on earth. Now if I could just relax and eat said s'mores while someone else figures out my life (and goes to the gym for me) all would be right with the world. Fingers crossed.

Friday, September 07, 2007

Thing That is Awesome

This morning I woke up and got in the shower. And stood there. And stood there. And then realized...there was no water. After a quick search it became obvious the water in the apartment was off. I woke the boy up and made some hand gestures and gutteral noises to alert him to the issue (I'm a gem in the morning) and he called the water company. It was after this we found our neighbor who told us the water in the building was off until further notice because her closet was flooded the night before due to a leak in the upstairs neighbors bathroom. It should be fixed 'sometime today', which I realize means 'next Tuesday, if you're lucky'. So that's fun. Especially as well, I am supposed to be at work and also, having a party tomorrow. Perhaps I'll just ask everyone to wear Depends?

I feel I am responding to the situation accurately: I am sitting in my robe eating Nilla Wafers. I am also 'working for home', i.e. watching the Today Show and glancing at my Blackberry. I'm nothin' if I'm not responsible and classy.

Tuesday, September 04, 2007

Heat Wave

Mmm...melty. When one is living in Southern California during a heat wave, where should one go for a long weekend? Why, Arizona of course! In Arizona, where it's 110 in the shade, they tend to have central air. And pools. And pool side service wherein they bring you alcohol whilst you recover from your swim. I think I should have pool side service at all times in my life. Especially now when I am home and warm and craving something from the margarita family.

The weekend was great though. I had a massage and attempted to steal the masseuse and put her in my carry on. I also rediscovered the joys of room service. If I were to ever strike it rich or win the lottery I would so live in a hotel a la Dylan McKay (without the denim overalls though). To me there is nothing better in this world than eating breakfast in bed while wearing a hotel provided robe. It's heaven on earth. Especially if the room service man also brings mimosas.

Now I am back. Its 96 and I have a sun burn. I am ass white so as I spent more than 2 minutes in the sun, with SPF 45 on, I burst into flames. And there is no pool side service OR pool. I want to go back on vacation. Or to win the lottery.

Tuesday, August 28, 2007

SHAKEY FIST

Seriously blogger, we need to have a sit down heart to heart. Why are you fucking with me? Seriously. Do you harbor some grudge against me? It takes you about a day to update with new posts, you randomly switched out my 'about me' section and I can't change it back...and well, you just seem angry. Do you need a hug? Perhaps a cookie. Because you need to man up and pull your shit together, blogger. You are making me angry and as I am teetering on the edge of sanity, that's not a wise move. Now come here and give momma a cuddle.

xoxo,
Me

Sunday, August 26, 2007

Who Burns Just Their Knee?

I do, that's who. This weekend was fantastic. Seriously fantastic. Except for the fact I accidentally ate glass. And burned my knee. But other than that it was awesome.

Friday night I was prepping to meet some friends at the Hollywood Bowl for a concert. As I am a responsible adult I decided to have ice cream for dinner. As I am also very, very classy I ate the ice cream directly out of the container. Suddently, ow, hey, ice cream's not supposed to hurt! That's when I realized my tongue was bleeding and I had a large chunk of glass in my mouth. I spit out the glass and sat there stunned. I looked into the ice cream carton and saw that it was sparkly, in the 'full of glass shards' kind of way. I then realized that my throat hurt and that I had, when I bite into the dime size piece of glass, chipped my tooth, nicked my tongue and in all probability swallowed some shards. I called the number on the ice cream carton but they were closed. I then ran around in small circles and screamed 'I just ate glass, holy fuck!' while on the phone with my mom. After she finished laughing she said I would probably be ok, but that if I started vomitting blood I should go to the hospital. My mom's a gem. My stomach hurt for the rest of the night, but when I didn't wake up dead or in a pool of blood, I decided I was out of the woods for any further glass mishaps.

Saturday my good friend and I headed to the central coast to go kayaking. I used to kayak fairly often, but this was oh 2 years ago. Since then not only have I not kayaked I have also stopped going to the gym because well, let's face it, I'm lazy and prefer reading. As such after an hour and a half on the water I couldn't feel my arms. Which is a fun sensation when you are about 500 feet from the dock and are floating over eel grass. The trip, besides the arm hurtedness, was fantastic. A sea otter popped up roughly 10 feet from my boat, it was the perfect weather and the scenary was breathtaking. And after we docked we found that there was a wine shop with a tasting set up directly next door to the kayak rental. Whoever thought this up should get a medal. After purchasing far too many bottles of wine I realized I had a sunburn. On just one knee. It's rather painful but I think it adds that missing touch of class to my overall look.

Today the boy returned from China. Rejoice! Not only is he back in one piece and just as adorable as I remember, but he brought me Olympic merchandise. As I have previously stated I am obsessed with the Olympics in an unhealthy way. I once, no joke, stayed up until 4AM to watch the end of a water polo match I believe between Croatia and Hungary. So, to own a few items from the future Olympic site made me incredibly happy. So boy + Olympically certified shirt = happy. It's a good equation.

So on an ending note, don't eat glass. It hurts.

Thursday, August 23, 2007

Oops

Today I got dressed while I was on the phone with the boy in China. As such I really wasn't paying attention to what I was putting on my body. When I got to work I realized I looked like a slutty Gap employee. I expected any second someone would approach me and ask how much longer the cargo pants were on sale and/or if I want to go for a ride in their 'Stang. I was wearing super tight khaki pants and a white polo that was every so slightly too tight AND too short. Like hey, bet you guys didn't realize that I had a tattoo and a scar on my belly button short.

Let's just say I got a few odd looks when I was in the office. Thankfully I was able to run home at lunch and put on a shirt that didn't scream '8th period I have physics and it's totally boring'.

Wednesday, August 22, 2007

Good Times

You know what's fun after a stressful day at work? Attempting to wrestle a cat to the ground so you can brush his teeth. Do I know how to party or do I know how to PAR-TAY? Yes. I brush my cat's teeth. Not because I want to, by any stretch of the imagination. I would in fact rather put my hand in the garbage disposal the vast majority of the time. I brush my cat's teeth because he is a delicate little flower, just like his mama, and has gingivitis. Ergo, 4 to 5 times a week I have to stalk him like prey, wrestle him and brush his teeth with a mini brush. God loves me a whole lot.

I really know he loves me...because my job? It's not going to be around a whole lot longer. nnThey are shutting down my department. Rejoice! Because who needs things like paychecks and health care? Not I! It's not a definite thing but it's about 99% a done deal. As such I am scrambling to apply any where under the sun. My back up plan of becomming a recluse in Maine is looking better and better. I figure I'll be just like Salinger minus a couple awesome and generation defining books. Other than that we could be twins. Well that and the fact that I am not a dude.

Herein lies the true rub: I don't actually like what I do. I used to work on film sets and then was injured (fell down stairs. It hurt. A lot). After the injury I A) laid around in a leg brace for 6 months and bemoaned my state and B) found myself a fancy office job in corporate America. I do not like corporate America. I don't like having to dress like an adult and sit in meetings for hours on end. But as I am me, I have no idea what I would rather do. So I keep finding similar jobs and then bitching about them. It's a wonderful cycle full of happiness and sunshine. So the search begins anew. Fingers crossed that somewhere along the way I figure out what the hell to do with my life. As apparently they do not pay you to 'play scrabble and eat cupcakes'. Which is really a shame, because that? That I kick ass at.

Oh and another plug for the show Mortified (www.getmortified.com). I took a friend to see it tonight and we both laughed so ard our faces hurt. Go see it, enjoy, laugh and be merry. I insist.

Friday, August 17, 2007

Melting

It's really, really, really fucking hot here. Like HOT. And you know what's the best thing to have happen when it's HOT outside? Have the AC break. And then have the maintainance man come by at 7 AM while you are standing there, awkwardly, in your robe trying to make sure your girly bits are covered. And he blushes and you both stammer and then you hide in the bathroom for a half hour.

My life KICKS ASS.

But I have to say, the boy is having a far better day than I. He had to fly to China this morning for work. He gets on his plane on time and then they sit there. For 4 hours. His company made him fly economy and the plane he was on apparenly understood 'economy' to mean 'non human cattle like creatures', so he doesn't have air vents. And the movies will be in Mandarian and shown on the screen wayyyyy in front of the plane. So, he wins. Because he is currently cramped into a too small, airless seat, and I am home in my newly conditioned apartment and I have wine here.

All in all, today is looking up.


If this heat wave continues however I am headed to Maine. This is because my idea of Maine is that it's winter there 11.75 months a year. With 1 day of summer, 1 day of spring, and .23 months of fall. And that to me sounds like heaven.

Tuesday, August 07, 2007

Notes from a Weekend

As we have a guest in town we headed down to Sea World over the weekend. While there I discovered two very important things:


If your child can walk up to you, ask you in a full and coherent sentence for a 'quick snack' and has a full set of teeth, it may be time to wean your child off the boob.

AND

There are two groups of people in this world, those that can wear jean mini skirts and those who can not. Know which group you are in and act accordingly. If you aren't sure what group you belong in then assume you are in the group that can't.

Oy.

Oh and today my office was a crisp 14 degrees. It was so cold that I had to wear a sweater and a coat and my fingers literally cramped up. This was because our CEO was in town and doing a conference. I have a theory that he likes it that cold because he's part abominal snowman. A friend of mine told me she thinks it's because execs never sleep and the cold help keeps them fresh and awake. I think my theory holds more water. Tough call.

Monday, August 06, 2007

No Good Very Bad Day

It's one of those days. When I woke up this morning I knew it wouldn't be great, I was in a Mood. Capital M. I'm a joy and a pleasure to be around, 365, what can I say?

At work I was in a meeting where I felt like a total and complete asshat. So that was fun. Who doesn't like a little humiliation first thing on a Monday? Mmmm...tastes good. Then to add injury to insult, while walking to the office after lunch a cute little Yorkie dog hopped up to me and bit my toe. And then barked and chased me. (I was walking slowly, teeny dog legs however had to run to keep up). As the dog weighed approximately 14 ounces it didn't do any damage, except to my ego.

I just want to lay under the covers and hide. Cry it out. That's what I need, a really good cry. Most dudes don't understand that, but ladies, back me up. Sometimes, all you need is a really good cry. And a cookie the size of your head.

Hey, Monday? Fuck you.

Saturday, August 04, 2007

That Fine Line

So, I got a comment from Todd (hello Todd), about my lack of personal entries. And I agree. I have been struggling with it since I came back to blogging. Here in lies the rub, as I see it. I want to respect the boy's wishes regarding not being mentioned as well, it really fucked up some things in the past for me. Since he and I spend a whole hell of a lot of time together, it's difficult. I have things I find hilarious and want to write about... but don't. Not only do I not want to do something that could damage things, cause fights or incur general discomfort.

So here I am wanting to write. I love it, it's my outlet. It's also the outlet that pulled the rug out from underneath me. And then the rug beat the crap out of me. I am trying to get back to writing in a more personal way. When I wrote on my friend's blog (blogger is being an asshat and not letting me hyperlink so: confessionsofafatgirl.typepad.com) it was my way of testing the waters. Putting something personal out there then ducking and covering. Thus far, no fall out. Also...nothing. No word, no comments, so I assumed until now, people were cool with keeping things un-personal like. I, however, would love for things to get slightly back to how they were. It will just take time.

Oh and I can't write about work, sadly, because I work for THE MAN and they have a policy of 'if you write about us we'll fire you so fast your mom will get whiplash'. And I like things like a steady paycheck and health insurance.

I am going to try my damndest to start actually writing again. I can not however promise less entries regarding the cats, as well, this is my future:



Wish me luck.

Tuesday, July 31, 2007

Me...Kind of


Well, if I were yellow. And 2D.

Thursday, July 26, 2007

Hodge Podge

Last night the boy and I went to see a show called Mortified. If you haven't heard of it or seen it I can not recommend it highly enough. It's hilarious. In short, the show features people reading from their childhood diaries. It changes each show. My favoritelast night? A girl who was a born again Christian at 12 and wrote a song about Jesus to convert her BFF so as to save her from eternal damnation. The best line of the song was 'God made Adam with a pleasurable mouth'. Ah, classy.

It did remind me a lot of my youth. I know, you'll all be very shocked to learn I was not cool. Pick your jaws up off the floor. I actually looked like the human QTip, an excellent look I assure you. I had white blonde hair which my mom insisted on keeping short and permed. Who's a looker? Meghan is. I was also really, really into books and chubby. If that doesn't spell most popular kid in school I don't know what does.

Afterwards we stopped by the drug store to pick up a few odds and ends. Here's the deal, I am a sucker for advertising. As such I purchased the new prescription strength deodorant. I figured, hey, it's summer and warm, who doesn't need a little extra help? The deodorant came with instructions. This was the first cause for concern. Apparently you need to apply it at night so that it soaks in. So, I did. That powdery fresh scent you caught about 11PM? That was me. Seriously people in Uganda can smell me at this moment. I am pungent. I of course, being calm and rational 100% of the time, flapped my arms around and ran in a small circle. I finally collapsed and the boy and I fell asleep noses buried in our pillows hoping to escape my new Secret. Oh and no, it doesn't wash off. It's there for the next 24 hours. MINIMUM.

On a side note, I am sleepy. I am but a wee, delicate flower and if someone in Burbank sneezes I am up for the rest of the night. It's super fun being me.

Side note number 2, I read Harry Potter 7...twice. I am like one step away from dressing up in costume and wearing it to work. Sad, sad little life, but it's all mine. Jealous?

Wednesday, July 18, 2007

Guest Writer

A very brave friend of mine recently started a blog about her journey to lose weight. We met back in the day when I was really heavy. Like, really, really heavy. I have since lost a lot of weight, more than I talk about in this piece, but it's something I still struggle with. As such she asked me to do a guest entry on her blog


So...ta da!

Monday, July 09, 2007

Poodle Visit

My brother just left for home and I'm sad. It was so much fun having him here. Even Disney was awesome. We had the best ride karma I have ever witnessed. By 11AM we had literally run out of things to do because we had done 10 rides in less than 3 hours. We ended up doing most rides two times and just walking around aimlessly. As I am the biggest nerd alive I had a pedometer with us solely because I wanted to see how far we walked. How far did we walk you ask? Well, 33,291 steps which is roughly 14.72 miles. I was thinking about doing a 13 mile marathon in November, but, yeah, that's not gonna happen. 13 miles is a really long way. Far too long to be on one's feet. Or surrounded by tourists. Shudder.

Saturday I got a group together to go see a movie in a cemetary, it's a thing in LA. Unfortunately it's also a thing in LA to have a lot of people attempt to go the same place at the same time so after an hour of waiting in the car line we found out the event was sold out. So we all headed back to my apartment and had a pic nic in the living room. I enjoy the living room pic nic because there are no bugs, I can wear pajamas and again, no tourists. And I am able to use my friends to gang up on my brother and wrestle him to the ground without strangers staring. The reason for the wrestle involves his hair. He has this weird white boy deflated afro happening. Hence the nickname 'Poodle', as he seriously resembles a fancy dog. We all wrestled him down and I teased his hair into a full afro and I have to say it was very becomming. It's a wonder he doesn't visit more.

Today we mostly hung out and laid low. We also went to see Sicko, which if you haven't seen, man, go see it now. Phenominal. Afterwards the Poodle and I discussed politics and the state of the world. He's one sharp cookie. And also impressive in the amount of food he can consume without gaining an ounce. He's 5'10 and 135 and in a day easily eats enough food to take care of Uganda for a year. I shake my fist at him and his ridiculous teenage metabolism.

My brother is hands down the coolest 14 year old in the history of the world. I love that kid.

Tuesday, July 03, 2007

I'm a Winner

Last night I was hanging out and watching tv. I was flipping back and forth between the Foof Network special on calzones and beer and The Learning Channels special on the Brookhaven Obesity Clinic. It took me about 10 minutes to realize that wasn't right.

I rule.

Monday, July 02, 2007

Melting

Who's the douche who despises the heat and yet moved to Southern California? Yeah, that would be me. I HATE the heat. Loathe and deplore. Especially when I live in a (albeit amazing) 1940's apartment with no central air. Basically we are paying for 1400 square feet but are using approximately 400 which I have dubbed 'the cool zone'. The apartment is gigantic but doesn't have a lot of doors. Ergo it's not ale to cool off using air conditioner window units except in the bedroom. This is where I am living. All the time. It's kind of like being an invalid, but a comfortably cool invalid. So I am ok with it.

Last week the boy and I went to the opening night of the Hollywood Bowl. It was absolutely amazing. Kirk Douglas gave a speech, Placido Domingo sang and Jack Black did a back flip. One of the benefits of living here is the fact that everyone 'in the business' lives here too, so they randomly show up at things. Seeing Kirk Douglas in person was fantastic, I kind of wanted to pinch his cheeks and talk about the old days. I don't think he'd appreciate that but it would bring me joy. And really, that's all that's important.

My brother is coming to visit this week and I am beyond excited. He wants to go to Disneyland and apparently as it's California State Law that I go at least once every 2 weeks, I'm taking him. I just hope my ride karma holds out. And that I am able to leave without injuring a tourist. Fingers crossed.

Thursday, June 28, 2007

Ow

Today while walking home from work I got distracted by something shiny and walked into a cactus. It hurt.

Nothing but skill and grace 100% of the time.

More to come shortly, namely about how I saw Jack Black at a black tie event wearing a tee shirt with a giant dinosaur on it and doing a back flip. Ah LA.

Thursday, June 21, 2007

It Boggles the Mind

Today a friend and I were chatting online about television. She mentioned that The Office, the greatest show in the history of the world, finished in roughly 68th position in the ratings. Really? No, really America? This show finished 68th but Are You Smarter than a Sixth Grader finished in 30th. Oh and The Bachelor finished in like 50th. THE BACHELOR.

Here's the thing, I am totally guilty. I watched The Bachelor. BUT, I have a defense: my arch nemesis from high school was on it. Have I not mentioned that? Oh yeah, she was on it and she made a complete ass of herself. It did my black heart good. So good in fact I went on Myspace and found a few select people from my graduating class. My email to them went something like this:

Hi- we haven't spoken since 1998, but I feel you should know that XXXX is on The Bachelor. Yeah. She is. AND SHE SINGS.

XOXO
Me

Not only did this get me back in touch with a few people but it helped pave my path to hell. Thanks ABC!

Tuesday, June 19, 2007

The Gift That Keeps on Giving

Some of you may remember my trip to the illustrious Oxnard Strawberry Festival. Well, it's the gift that keeps on giving. Herein lies the rub, at the festival we bought roughly 97 lbs of strawberries. The vast majority of these berries were consumed in pie form almost immediately. The rest were slowly eaten. Finally we were down to one small container of roughly 5 berries. I deemed them spoiled and threw them down the garbage disposal. Apparently one of these berries carried fruit flies. The section of berry that had the fruit flies decided not to grind in the disposal and thus BOOM, a hundred million fruit flies appeared in about 4 days. It's AWESOME.

I now spend roughly an hour a day running back and forth and Mr. Miagi-ing the shit out of those little fuckers. If you were to stand outside my window you were hear the following: running footsteps, loud clap, 'AH HA! One more down, bitches!" The carnage I have left behind would make George Bush proud. But alas, it's not enough. Somehow one hides and lives through the night only to call all of his friends over to party in my disposal. Or toothbrush. Every morning I wake up and find a new batch throwing a rager in various parts of my house. I have reached the end of my rope.

Today, after I boiled my toothbrush I cleaned the disposal. I also spent an hour jumping around and clapping like an asshole. My cats, well, they remain unimpressed. I need these little buggers out of my house but no one seems to know how to make this happen. The internet only recommends, well, moving. Oh and not having a garbage disposal, trash can or food in your house. I will not surrender, it's all out war. And I am keeping my garbage can.

On a side note to add a special touch to my week my cat has a respiratory infection and pink eye. As such, twice a day, I get to wrestle him to the ground and shoot medicine into his mouth. Oh, and stick goo in his eye. Because cats LOVE that. Who wouldn't? I am thinking of building my own chain mail suit as that is the only logical outfit to wear when you have to wrestle a 12 lb bag of fur and claws morning and night. My skin? It's scratched.

This week rocks. I need a hammock on a beach and a really, really big margarita. Oh and someone to come and get rid of those fruit flies, or I am burning the place down.

Tuesday, June 12, 2007

Birthday, a Recap

This birthday I discovered what heaven tastes like and that is the risotto ball at The Courtyard. Oh tasty fried ball of goodness, where have ye been all my life? They were next to the sangria conveniently.

Things I got for my 27th birthday:

1) a hang over
2) a slight weight gain due to copious amounts of tapas and wine. And cake. We can't forget the cake.
3) a new super short and shaggy hair cut that I think is rad
4) a pony
5) a helmet

Yes, you read that correctly. My friends all chipped in and wanted to buy me a bike. Unfortunately I am the only one with a big enough car that could transport said bike to a different location. As such they bought me a sassy pink bike helmet, a bike lock, and a gift card to go purchase a pink beach cruiser. My friends? Yeah, they're AWESOME. Had I not been a wee little bit tipsy I probably would have cried. Instead I tried on the helmet. Backwards. And then wore it proudly at the table. Luckily the restaurant was fairly empty and the waiters found me amusing. What can I say, I am nothing but class 100% of the time.

This birthday was fantastic. Between the boy and his sweetness and his trying to make it wonderful despite his horrible cold and my friends and their generosity and thoughtfulness I had one of the best birthdays of all time. And I have left over cake to boot!

Monday, June 11, 2007

It's My Birthday and I'll Whine if I Want To

Today I turned 27. Today also marked the 6th day of the worst insomnia in the history of the world. It's super awesome when you have the day off to relax and you wake up at 4:45AM. As I am not a farmer that's a bit early. I have watched the sunrise more times this past week than I have in my entire life. I shake my fist at you universe. Give me back my sleep!

This weekend I went to Disneyland, as I said before. It was, to quote my 12 year old self, super awesome. I finally ignored my chicken shit side and went on Space Mountain and Tower of Terror. I have never screamed so loudly in my life. The Tower picture even beats last month's Splash Mountain pic. In it every person is smiling, happy to be plummeting in an elevator. I, however, look as though I am sobbing and about 4 seconds away from death. It's truly fantastic. I think it may be this year's Christmas card. My brother is coming to town in a few weeks and I will be headed back to Disney. He also is something of a chicken but I am making him go on the Tower with me. I think I just won't tell him it's not scary. I am going straight to hell but at least I will go there with a picture of my brother screaming for mercy.

Oh and on a final note, the boy is the best. For my birthday he got me a stuffed pony AND a Kitchen Aid mixer. I just finished making my birthday cake and I am in love. I am running away with my mixer to make our love legal. Perhaps then I will be able to sleep.