Friday, November 30, 2007

Do A Little Dance

Dudes, I did it. I blogged every freakin' day in November. This is quite the feather in my cap as I am lazy. And busy. And again, lazy. So, look at me. Do a jig!

On a completely unrelated note, it's raining in LA today. Do you know what this means? It means it took my coordinator at work 3 hours to drive the 20 miles from his home. When water falls from the sky in this neck of the woods we take it as a personal insult and a sign that God has forsaken us. Also, all Angelinos forget how to operate cars. 'What? You want me to TURN that thing? What's it called again...a wh-eel? Whale? Wheel? No that doesn't sound right.'

The news also covers it, preempting all other shows, for 'STORM WATCH: 2007'. The all caps are necessary to drive home the fact that THE SKY IS LEAKING. This is a major news event. We have had almost an inch of rain here, people. Send FEMA. And supplies. And by supplies I mean cookies. What? A girl's gotta eat.

Thursday, November 29, 2007

You've Outdone Yourself LA

It just took me an hour to go 6.1 miles.

Excuse me while I go scream into the wind.

Wednesday, November 28, 2007

Someone Took a Nap in My Car

Yesterday I went downstairs to get my car and get the hell out of dodge. Being as my office is located in LA and LA has the most cars and the worst parking, our parking garage has stacked parking. If you don't know what that is (I didn't until I moved to the 7th circle of hell) that is when there are pretty much 4 cars to a spot and the 2 outer cars hand over their keys to a waiting attendant. I am usually one of the inner cars as I get to work insanely early. However yesterday I was running a bit late and was one of the lucky outer vehicles.

I picked up my keys and headed to my brand new ride. After getting in I noticed a few weird things. Namely, my seat was moved, the driver's side window was down and there was a forehead print on the passenger side window. Obviously someone either took a joy ride while pressing their little faces to the window to catch the wondrous sites of downtown LA or...two people napped in my car.

Here's the deal. I don't particularly mind that the dudes took it nap it's just the following A) wish they'd asked as I could have brought them blankets and B) if anyone is napping on company time in the comfort of a car, it's me damnit.

Tuesday, November 27, 2007

Celebrity Sightings

One of the benefits of living in LA are the odd celebrity spottings that happen on a daily if not weekly basis. Lately I have had a very good run.

To begin with there was Victoria Beckham sitting 2 tables away from me at brunch. She didn't eat but she did drink a whole pot of coffee and look enviously my sandwich. We are so BFF now, I expect an invite to a sleepover any second.

The next was Danny Bonaduce. He's roughly 4'9. No joke. He was wearing cowboy boots that had a 3 inch heel and still came up to my nose. He was wee but looked like he could totally kick my ass (most people could kick my ass I'm delicate like a flower). Oh and it was 50 degrees outside and he was wearing a spandex muscle tee. It was quite a look.

Finally today I have had the best celeb spotting ever. It has dethroned the Ron Jeremy eating a hot dog spotting. Who could do this? Who could take the crown? The answer to that of course is Snoop. Yes, the original gangsta, the DoggFather. His bodyguards were the biggest human beings I have ever seen. They weren't so much men as they were mountains with arms. You don't fuck with Snoop.

These brief moments in time almost make the traffic worth it. Almost.

Monday, November 26, 2007

An Open Letter

Dear Post Holiday Traffic,

I know, I get it. You don't want to be at work today. Neither do I. We'd all rather be on our couches wearing stretch pants, but back in the office we are. However, it doesn't mean it should take me 20 minutes to go 1.5 miles. I could have, in fact, crawled on my face more quickly. And yes, I know I'm part of the problem as I drove instead of walked, but well, I am still full and the idea of waddling 3 miles round trip was too much for me to bear at 7AM. But let's buck up. Let's also try to not be assholes and randomly decide that waiting in the left hand turn lane is no longer fun and dart into oncoming traffic just for giggles. Take a deep breath and think of the leftovers waiting for you at home.

Also, traffic, if you could talk to the pedestrians and let them know that in fact actually crawling on their face is not the most effective way to cross the street, that'd be the tops. They are a slow moving bunch and it makes me angry. (I have the rage)

Hugs and Kisses,

Sunday, November 25, 2007

A Look Inside

The Boy: Sleep ok?

Me: Um, not really. I don't know if you realize this but when you turn at night you actually hurl your body about 4 feet in the air. I wake up at impact.

The Boy: Do not!

Me: Beg to differ. Last night I got air. You hit and I flew about 2 feet in the air.

The Boy: I turn delicately, like a flower.

Me: Hurl.

The Boy: Glide gently.

Me: Hurl. Feet. In the air!

The Boy: Shut up you love it, I'm like a quirky foreign feather gliding gently back down to sleep.

Me: I have no idea how to respond to that.

Saturday, November 24, 2007


For the first time in a long time, I'm relaxed. This weekend I have cooked, eaten and laughed. Caught up with old friends who I've let too much time pass between conversations. Seen 3 cheesy movies. Read two books. And just breathed. I needed this. I could use about 7 more days of this actually, and the idea of only having one more day off makes my shoulders start to tense again, so I am going to end this train of thought, eat some left over dessert and watch Elf.

Friday, November 23, 2007

Still Full

Apparently if you don't eat for roughly 4 days and then get your appetite/ability to hold down food back on Thanksgiving well, your pants are in for a world of hurt. So full. 24 hours later. And contemplating a go at the biscuits because apparently I would like all of my clothes to rip at the seams a la the Hulk.

Oh and I have updated the blog lay out because I am, admittedly, a 97 year old man and the white on black hurt my delicate eyes. Also, I was drunk.

Thursday, November 22, 2007

Happy Thanksgiving

Have a wonderful day everyone, and remember, the Thanksgiving Parade is the most awkward cheesy fun ever to be broadcast. They have Menudo!

Wednesday, November 21, 2007

Time Warner Cable, I'm Lookin' at You

I am currently attempting to make pumpkin creme brulee and convince my cable box it is in fact a DVR and not a paper weight as it seems to be having an identity crisis. I am the first to admit: I love television. I really really love television especially after such a craptacular week. I was looking forward to coming home at 1 and watching my recorded episodes of Pushing Daisies and ahem, well, you all know I watch total crap made for 14 year olds. I snuggled up on my couch and ... no tv. It was just a blank screen and my clock is insisting it's midnight.

This is the icing on the cake that is my week. I am contemplating putting my head in the oven next to the creme brulee, but well, it's warm in there and I don't deal well with the heat.

It's times like these I am sad I quit smoking.

Tuesday, November 20, 2007

Holiday Memories

A few years back when I was living in Rome I decided to cook Thanksgiving dinner for everyone. The party soon ballooned up to 60 people eager to try a traditional Thanksgiving feast. Thankfully my friend was in town from the states and joined me in a two day long cooking escapade. We were nearing the home stretch and just about to put the GIGANTIC turkeys in the oven. (Two turkeys, each over 30 pounds, but I digress.) Being as turkey isn't really consumed in Italy we had to special order these and they came dead, but with feathers. I danced around like a girl screaming, 'I'm not gonna touch that, y'all are crazy' which my friend translated into Italian for those around us. Luckily the craft service guy was brave and dove right in there. This moment is key you see, because he pulled the feathers out while we watched and then went back to work. In the pulling the feathers out some apparently brushed an apple that was lounging on a different portion of the counter. That apple was to be my lunch.

A few hours after 'lunch' I broke out in sweat. Sweat all over the place and a temperature of 103. My face was flushed and I felt, well, I felt like shit. An hour after that I was huddled praying to the porcelain gods while 60 people enjoyed the fruits of my labor. I would occasionally stumble into the room and wave and then go and promptly pass out again. The next day my doctor showed up on a Vespa while wearing a velour jumpsuit, told me I should only eat rice for the rest of my life, and gave me very strong antibiotics. Despite the fact the doctor had very limited english and told me I should never drink water 'ever, ever bad', I took the meds and got well. I also lost about 10 lbs. BEST THANKSGIVING EVER.

With my current stomach woes, I look back on this Thanksgiving fondly. Hopefully by the time Thursday rolls around I'll be on the mend and able to enjoy my carefully cooked feast and pumpkin creme brulee. But, the way things are going I am not counting on it. Especially since I just had juice and well, it's bad news bears. If only I had that doctor around, sure she'd be pissed that I am drinking water and have gone off the all rice diet, but the meds she had were awesome. And she had a Vespa for fucks sake. That's just A OK.

Monday, November 19, 2007

It's Official...

I have some how angered the universe. I have food poisoning. It's just badness all around. On the plus side, this a most effective pre Thanksgiving diet.

Excuse me while I go lay down again, I have been sitting for 2 minutes and my head is all woozy.

Sunday, November 18, 2007

Weird, but Good

So my situation is weird but good. The boy and I decided to live apart for while, but still date. We came to the realization that we moved in together way too fast and still needed some space. Hopefully this way we can be better, together, but apart. It's a difficult adjustment but so far, so good.

On a totally different note at brunch this morning I was seated two tables away from Victoria Beckham, aka Posh Spice. She had all her kids with her but no David. Although if David had been there I would have had to walk past with my fingers in my ears as hearing the man speak completely destroys the illusion as he sounds mildly like a British Minnie Mouse. But this is why I love LA: I can enjoy my eggs while stealing glances at a Spice Girl. It's even better than mimosas. Well, maybe it ties. Ok, ok, it's a close second. What? Mimosas are really fucking good.

Saturday, November 17, 2007


It's official, I'm done moving. It only took 3 weeks. No really, 3 full weeks of packing and moving boxes and unpacking. The process has been overwhelming and all consuming and has left the boy and I completely drained. Especially him as I, being delicate like a flower, couldn't lift roughly 75% of the boxes.

But here I am. In my new place. And for the first time in 2 years, I am living alone. Is it wrong for a 27 year old to want a night light?

Now excuse me while I try to find my bed under all the boxes.

Friday, November 16, 2007

Shakey Fist

As you can tell by the theme of the last few entries (stress, death, please god make it stop) this week has been a wee bit rough. Well, today was my coup de grace in horribleness. I did the unthinkable. The thing I have avoided successfully for years. I burst into tears in my boss' office.

Now I am a naturally weepy girl, for reference see Whole Life, Mine. BUT, that being said I hold it together in front of those in charge of my pay check. You want to yell at me? Cool. I will sit there with a smile and take it. I once had a Diet Coke thrown at me because it wasn't cold enough and I simply nodded, said 'sure, I'll fix that' and left with a smile (then cried in the bathroom). I never let them see me sweat. Today, however, when I went to smile and nod as I was ripped a new asshole I started to shake and then did the whole gulping thing then the choking sob. Oh yeah. I sounded like a 5 year old who just lost her Barbie. Words caught in my throat and my face went beet red. It was super classy, lemme tell you. My boss was thrown for a loop to say the very least. But hey, at least he stopped the yelling.

Apparently I am not doing enough. What with the managing of 7 projects with no assistance and the 12 hour days. Excuse me while I go hide under my desk. I think it's safe there. Perhaps G-d will take pity and stop smiting me. Or at least leave a bottle of wine and chocolate under my desk.

Thursday, November 15, 2007

meetin' time

I am still in a meeting. It's 930 at night. BUT...this meeting came with wine. Ergo, its the best insanely long meeting of all time and I am posting from my blackberry because I a A) drunk and B) its national blog posting month and even though my job is trying to kill me, it won't make me miss a post. That's dedication damnit. Or drunkeness. Take your pick.


No more alcohol for me.

Wednesday, November 14, 2007


Kids, today sucked. I'm not gonna lie. It's been a giant, steaming pile of suck. Do you know what makes the suck go away? Wine. Lots of it. We're talking like 8 to 10 bottles. No food to get in the way. (says the girl who is flat out drunk after 2 glasses, but go with me here).

My job is still trying to kill me with the stress and the workload and the stress. Did I mention the stress? And the revisions. Dear sweet merciful christ, the revisions. I am about 2 minutes away from hiding under my desk and crying. Or asking Jesus to turn my water into wine, because really, JESUS YOU OWE ME. Like big. Water into wine right after you give me a massage and buy me a small island kind of big.

I'm toast kids. Totally and 100% burnt out. So not only am I toast, I'm gross toast.

Tuesday, November 13, 2007

Damn You Los Angeles

Dear LA,

Listen, we all know global warming exists (except for those kids in Jesus Camp,which ironically put the fear of G-d in me, but I digress). But really, it's 85 freakin' degrees outside. It's warm, like summer warm. Perhaps you did not get the memo that it's not only November, but it's almost Thanksgiving. LA, please don't make me cook a turkey while the AC is on.

Not cool LA, not cool at all.

Warmly yours,

Monday, November 12, 2007

Things I Have Noticed

The ads on my page are currently for Older Single Men dating sites. What about my recent posts cause that to pop up? No seriously, let's think on it. Was it the mentioning of mom? Of bruises? Perhaps it was the ear drops. I think this is it. Because who doesn't want to date a hot, sexy, older man who gets turned on by such hot items as ear drops and perhaps, if you're lucky, Depends?

When driving back to LA yesterday we passed the Morongo Casino. It was then that the boy got all giggly. When I asked what was up he said he just found it clever that there was a casino named Moron, GO. I think they should name the next one "Ilikademoney". Or perhaps "Youhaveagamblingproblem". I think I shall pitch that one. I can see it really taking off.

Saturday, November 10, 2007


Me: My ear hurts.

Mom: I have ear drops at home.

Me: Oh yeah! I accidentally put those in my eye once.

Mom: Me too! They stung like a bitch. I keep them in a different cabinet now.

Me: We really are related, huh?

Mom: Looks like it.

I heart my mom.

Almost Over

Whenever I'm home with my family time seems to speed up and I for one object. I'm lucky as I am now a 6 hour drive/1 hour flight away. It's significantly easier than the year I lived abroad or the 8 years I spent on the other side of the country, but still it sucks. I just wanted to put that out there.

On the other hand I would probably come home more often if it wasn't for the Dog of Terror. The dog? Is insane. Not like a cute insane but a jumping up and down, so excited he accidentally bites you insane. And he once ate my flip flop (if you know me, you don't fuck with my flip flops). He just 'accidentally' bit my belly. I think this wasn't an accident but more of a 'fuck off blondie, you're invading my turf...give me a cookie'. And the bite totally disrupted my viewing of yet another ANTM marathon. Horrible segue, but for real, is MTV solely an ANTM station now? I have seen 3 marathons since I've been home, no exaggeration. I have of course, watched them all. Why? Because I am A) classy and B) it's like 95 outside and I am ignoring the heat. One day I will again live in a place with seasons and this will be a good day. I will then of course bitch about the snow, but I am ok with that.

Friday, November 09, 2007

Home Again, Home Again

Last night the knock on the door was the census lady. Apparently they didn't get the 25 page census I filled out and mailed back in, and if I didn't let her in my apartment RIGHT THIS MINUTE I was facing a fine and possible jail time. Who knew the census people wielded so much power? And also, took the census so seriously?

So the census lady came in and asked me a bunch of questions then finally, after what seemed to be a very long time (in which she gave me life advice that was mildly inappropriate) she left. This was good as her arrival occurred at the exact moment I was packing my bags to come home for the weekend. So instead of getting home around 12 or 1AM I got in at 3. Good times!

I have spent the day drinking with an old friend and playing Wii, so it's pretty much my LA routine but in a significantly warmer climate. And with a dog who doesn't understand A) personal space and B) that my head is in fact not a pillow.

It's good to be home.

Thursday, November 08, 2007

It's Official, I Have Too Much Stuff

My new couch and chair were delivered to my soon to be moved into apartment.

When we measured and did a graph in photoshop it was all 'hey! look how much room you'll have!' Um...yeah. I don't. In fact I may have to pole vault over my couch to get to my desk. I may also have to sleep with some books and DVDs tucked into bed with me. And my wine collection. And a printer or two.

I love, LOVE, my new apartment. And I equally love all my furniture, of which there is plenty. But as I am downgrading from a 1500 square foot 2 bedroom to a 700 square foot one bedroom, well, there's just no room to put stuff.

It's totally normal to have to store shoes in the fridge, right? Excellent.

Oh...fuck. More later on the 'oh fuck'. Knock at the door, it's not fun...

Wednesday, November 07, 2007

A Fashionable Appearance

Today I gave a talk at USC... while wearing my squishy shoe for my sprained ankle, toes all waving about. I know how to make an appearance.

When I agreed to give the talk I forgot one very important detail. That detail? My complete terror when asked to speak in front of large groups of people. Especially when being filmed. On the plus side I think my heart racing was an excellent form of cardio.

Today was traumatic. I need to go put my foot up and find my happy place. That happy place? The CW. As I am 14 and effing love Gossip Girl and America's Next Top Model. Which brings us the ANTM quote of the night: "She's not in control of her sexy." No, no she's not, Tyra. Perhaps she could use an orthopedic squishy shoe.

Tuesday, November 06, 2007

My Cats Can Fly

The other day the boy came home from the gym. I had left for work about 20 minutes earlier. He found the cats like this:

They had apparently gotten the treats down off the top of the armoire, which is over 6 feet tall. There were no stools or boxes nearby, nothing for them to climb up on to get these treats. The armoire is alone in a room as that is the only room I have packed thus far (ah, procrastination, how I love thee). I have come to the only logical conclusion that my cats have learned how to fly. See, look at the black one's eyes. He's up to somethin'. Somethin' involving dark magic or other cat fancies.

This does not bode well for me. Next thing I know they'll be having parties while I'm out or getting their driver's license. Not good, not good at all.

Monday, November 05, 2007

Lookin' Good

Today, I looked awesome. Why did I look so awesome? Well, first off, I was wearing a beige orthopedic shoe and second, I had rockin' VPL.

It seems when I slipped in the kitchen on Friday I severely sprained my ankle. The activity over the weekend made it worse so yesterday I mostly laid around and made guttural noises whilst pointing at my ankle and making a sad face. Today I went to the doctor and after a few creepy moment, he gave me a fancy walking shoe. It's HOT. I am thinking of bedazzling it, you know, to class it up.

Why do I always find odd Ukrainian doctors? They like to tell me I remind them of girls from their home country and then, remark on my muscular calves. This has happened to me at least 4 times, today was just another to add to the list. Apparently if I moved to the Ukraine I could be married and pregnant (with a strong calved baby) in approximately 10 seconds. I like to call this plan B.

Oh, and the pain meds they gave me made me so loopy that at work when talking to a coworker I accidentally almost said I love you while hanging up. It went something like this, 'Hey thanks for the dubs, talk to you later, I l-- have to go or something, yeah'. No more pain pills at work. Although on the upside, it made the day fly by.

I = class act

Sunday, November 04, 2007

I Should Probably Hire Some Help

Thus far in the process of moving I have:

- dropped something on my bare toe. It cut the skin and bruised the toe. So now I call myself Purple Toe which would be excellent if I were a pirate.

- jammed my shoulder in the doorway

- broken 3 glass items

- tripped over 5 boxes

- accumulated 9 new bruises

Really, they should just wrap me in bubble wrap before sending me out into the world. I have officially started the process of hiring movers as I can see the headline now 'Girl somehow traps self in fridge after ill fated move'. To avoid that death, I believe, is worth $500.

Saturday, November 03, 2007

Feels like Summer

It's hot outside today. Hot hot. Which is awesome you know, because who would want a cooler day when moving furniture and heavy books?

Which brings me to my second point (assuming there was actually a first) in that moving sucks ass. I am moving piecemeal since we technically have this apartment until the end of the month. I would not recommend this. Half my stuff is in the other place and half my stuff is here. But, I have to stay here as the truly important things are in this apartment: my fridge, my cats and cable TV. And I love my TV. In the new place the first day they could come was the 17th. Ah corporate America, come and give me a hug. So I can knee you in the balls.

Off to pack my umpteenth box of the day and once again realize I save everything. EVERYTHING. I had movie tickets from 1999 that have made it through 3 moves. Cross country. I think it's finally ok to put to rest my ticket for Requiem for a Dream from 10.8.99. Rest in peace little ticket. And please take all of your little friends with you.

Friday, November 02, 2007

Well, That Sucked

At work today I was in the kitchen getting a glass of water before I left. I didn't notice the puddle of water on the floor until I had already stepped in it, hydroplaned on the floor, twisted my leg and fell. This was caused by the fact that there was water on our oh so slippery floors and I was wearing flip flops and well, God hates me.

So I had to stay after work to assure HR that I am in fact not going to the hospital for my twisty leg and I also am not suing them. I had to say to them, literally, 'Look, I get hurt a lot. Things and people fall on me or I fall down stairs. Or walk into things. Yes, there was water on the floor and I slipped. Shit happens. My knee hurts and I would like to go home. If for some reason my leg just up and falls off and I have to go to the hospital, I'll call you." And with that I hobbled out of my office and made my way home, oh so gracefully.

So now I am home. And I am looking for my Vicadin. Because Vicadin makes the world ok and makes my leg less hurty. Viva le drugs.

Thursday, November 01, 2007


A friend of mine is doing NaNoWriMo. I said, yeah, I'll totally do it! And then I realized that I am moving in a week, not yet packed and well, I like not thinking for a few hours after work. Reality television helps with this immensely. So then I saw this. I thought, hey, now that I may be able to do!


If I don't get sucked into another America's Next Top Model marathon on Vh1. Man, those bitches are crazy. But, I digress. I am going to try my darndest to do both. One may or may not happen. But, here's the beginning of me trying to post every day in November.

Who's looking forward to some stories about my cats??? Just me. Rock.