Wednesday, September 30, 2009

Ah, LA

As much as I complain about it sometimes I really love Los Angeles. Sure, people can't drive and a size 8 is considered obese, but, occasionally you get to see really awesome things.

Like Steve Wozniak. On a Segway. Wearing a fanny pack. Drinking a Big Gulp.

I think I literally clapped in my car and said 'yay'. It was just such a weird and awesome sighting at 1PM on a Tuesday. Also, his assistant was on a matching Segway next to his and he was clearly dictating something. I want that to be my life. Minus the fanny pack of course.

Monday, September 28, 2009

Adventure Weekend

So this weekend was Adventure Weekend. When saying that you must say it in a sing song voice and do jazz hands. Which is just what we did about every 20 minutes when getting lost, encountering odd things, or having things spilled on me.

So on Saturday Liz and I decided to head to downtown LA and check out the Red Bull soapbox derby. To do so we made the executive decision to take the subway. As I had taken it once before (livin' on the edge!) I figured this would be easy as there is roughly 2 lines, the end. And it would have been... had we known the stop. The conversation went like this:

Me: So what stop is it?
Liz: Um... it's on Grand Ave, and I think it said the Grand Ave. stop.
Me: Good enough for me, Grand Ave. here we come!

Readers, it was not the Grand Ave. stop. It was about 1.5 miles from the Grand Ave. stop. And in fact the Grand Ave. stop is well... in a bit of a rough neighborhood. (Also, side note, on the train was the world's smelliest man who coughed directly into Liz's hair for about 10 minutes. He ended up moving but was probably about 3 seconds away from death. We did get to name him though: Typhoid Harry.) But, as it was ADVENTURE DAY we went with it and hightailed it the hell out of there on foot.

Arriving at the derby about 30 minutes later we encountered this:

Yeah. It was a bit crowded. We hung out for about 20 minutes, just in time to see the Neverending Story soapbox (it ruled, I cheered) and then hightailed it to the nearest pub. It was upon rounding the corner towards the pub that we realized there was a subway stop RIGHT THERE. Like directly next to us, 2 feet away. Liz and I stared at each other, blinking, for about 5 minutes, shrugged and then drank. On the plus side getting home was significantly easier.

After getting home, we rested and then went to a birthday party. We were there approximately 45 minutes before a wee, very drunk girl, tripped and spilled her cosmo directly down the neck of my shirt. Internet, cosmos are sticky. After I dried off a bit I attempted to stick it out. And stick I did. To every available surface. There is nothing like a sugar coated sticky ass to round out Adventure Day 1.

Adventure Day 2 was a friend and I heading to the beach with her dog. Driving up the PCH we suddenly hit bad traffic. Like total stop. We sat there for about 15 minutes, engine off when we heard that the PCH was closed due to a bad accident. We decided to reroute over the canyon because how long could that take, right? 20 minutes? No... an hour. An hour of very winding roads. With a dog on my lap. A dog who gets car sick. Well...I got sharted on. Yes. I did. A dog sharted on me. On a mountain road. Above cloud level.

Adventure Day!

Thirty minutes later we arrived at the beach and I changed clothes. We then sat around and watched the sunset, drove to eat Italian food and went home. And then I threw my original outfit away. RIP awesome purple tank top.

Despite the unwanted substances directly on me it was an odd and wonderful weekend.

Friday, September 25, 2009

Now That Was Fun

Dudes, if you can, go to a Britney concert. The show itself is rad and all around good times but the people watching? CHRIST ON A CRACKER. It is Amazing, capital A.

First of all, there were oh so many chicks dressed up like Britney. In front of us in line for beer were two girls who had handmade their costumes. There was Britney from Toxic and Britney from Slave For You. One even had the same tattoos as Brit. That is what I like to call 'dedication to a cause' or 'fucking delusional, no seriously'. Obviously they also did not resemble her in shall we say, body shape. Listen, I know the size of my ass and thus how to dress for it. I would not in any state of sobriety prance about one square inch of fabric. These chicks apparently haven't gotten the memo. I wanted to sit down the Toxic Britney and just say no, repeatedly, like one would when training a puppy. But alas, I could not.

Also, apparently parents taking their children to the concert thought it was ok to dress their preteens like hookers. I can not tell you how many 10, 11 and 12 year old girls I saw in pleather leggings, mini skirts and heels that even Hollywood Blvd hookers would call tacky.

My friend and I literally could not force ourselves to leave the main hall and take our seats, because in doing so we would lose all of these wonderful sites. We did however, take our seats...behind two girls dressed for prom. Thank you Britney, thank you oh so very much.

Wednesday, September 23, 2009

As A Reminder

I'm 29.

Tonight I am going to the Britney Spears concert. I will dance, sing along and scream like a 12 year old. It will be awesome, because unlike 12 year old girls, I can buy beer.

The tickets were a gift from a group that I work with. As such I will be sitting very close to the stage. I may be able to actually see the lip syncing! The timing could not be better. I need some splashy, ridiculous fun dammit. I'm thinking tonight will deliver.

Maturity is overrated. Viva le pop concert!

Monday, September 21, 2009

Ups and Downs

So this weekend was interesting. I started it at the gun range shooting skeet and ended it by breaking up with someone. Oh and in the middle I cooked a 9 course french dinner from scratch.

Let's start with the ups. I got to stand around with a 12 gauge shotgun and yell 'PULL' for about an hour. That fucking ruled the school. Dudes, it was so much fun. I so recommend it if just to feel like an amazing bad ass for an hour. Really, standing around holding a giant gun makes you feel like the Terminator. Or maybe that's just me.

Saturday I threw a belated birthday party for a friend of mine. As I love her to bits and pieces I went a wee tiny bit overboard. As such I decided that I should cook 9 courses, all from scratch. It took roughly 20 full hours but it was so worth it. Everything was delicious and I did a jig of glee when my souffle came out. No, seriously. Others witnessed it. While some may be embarrassed by that, I am not. Why? Because I made a cheese souffle on my first try.

So... the boy. I didn't mention him here because I am trying to keep that aspect of my life a bit more private. But, it's definitely accounted for my lack of posts as of late. He's an amazing guy, probably one of the best I've ever met...but the timing was super off. As such we had probably one of the most mutual and amicable break ups in the history of the world. I'm not closing the door entirely on him, and at the very least will absolutely remain friends with him. It however, still sucks. Stupid heart. Stupid dating. Even when you're the one initiating the conversation and pulling the plug, it still hurts more than you think it will.

I guess this means I'm back out there. Efffff.

Thursday, September 17, 2009

Computer Fall Down, Go Boom

So last weekend I decided to be all domestic and make pancakes from scratch. As such I hauled my computer into the kitchen so I could see the recipe online. I've mentioned I'm a klutz, right?

Yeah. This doesn't end well.

About, oh, 2 minutes into cooking I spilled vegetable oil all over my computer. Dumped the full bottle on the keyboard is more accurate. Luckily a friend was over and he's a computer genius so he leapt into action. I ran around in small circles. He wisely decided that my 6 year old laptop probably needed to be backed up. So we put it on the table and hooked up my external hard drive, got it all backin' up, and left.

Let's repeat that. We left my computer, open, covered in oil on a table. In a house with cats that well, look like this:

Upon returning home a few hours later the computer was laying on its side on the floor. It was however completely licked clean of oil, so that's a plus. But, on the downside now only the t, g, b, r, and the q keys worked. As simple as my blogging language is I do from time to time require vowels. So I played taps for my computer, shed a single tear and then refused to buy a new one. Because I'm logical (and broke).

I insisted I could get by with my new fancy web enabled phone and my computer in my office. This lasted for approximately 5 days. Then I spent a large sum of money on a shiny new Mac. Now on day three of owning said new shiny Mac I can only say this: internet, I don't need a man, I have found one my true love. He's perfect and one day I hope we can make our love legal in all 50 states. Fingers crossed.

Wednesday, September 16, 2009

Upon Discussing Health Care

Me (12:52:37 PM): wanna move to canada?
Liz(12:52:45 PM): packing my fucking bags
Me(12:52:54 PM): just think, we can wear scarves a lot
Me(12:52:57 PM): I look good in scarves
Liz(12:53:10 PM): is it just me? or is that THE MOST RIDICULOUS FUCKING IDEA EVER?
Me(12:53:23 PM): it's pretty damn stupid
Liz(12:53:28 PM): livid.
Me(12:53:47 PM): I like the fact there's a fine for not having insurance
Me (12:53:51 PM): that's fun for the whole family!
Liz(12:55:11 PM): FUCKING LIVID
me 12:55:34 PM): we could also move to the UK
Me(12:55:37 PM): they have fun accents
me 12:55:40 PM): and are all closet drinkers
me(12:55:43 PM): so we'd blend
me (12:55:46 PM): you like fish and chips
Liz(12:55:47 PM): yes please.
me(12:55:48 PM): I like curry
me(12:55:52 PM): the end
Liz (12:55:55 PM): canadians are nice. i'd stick out.
me (12:56:03 PM): we'll buy a castle. those are cheap there, right?
Liz (12:56:12 PM): no clue
me (12:56:20 PM): yeah, totally cheap all through europe
me(12:56:23 PM): at least in my plan
Liz(12:56:30 PM): exc. plan
me (12:56:37 PM): that's why I'm in charge, Liz

Thursday, September 10, 2009


Dudes, it's been awhile. Apologies, apologies. You see I went to Seattle and while there fell under a giant pile of stress known as 'over working'. Like 20 hour days followed by 2 to 3 hours of sleep. It was super. Then, apparently there was an outbreak of the swine flu IN THE BUILDING I WAS WORKING AT and, I believe, two people died. So, in panic I spent two days running around in small circles, stopping to take my temperature and then running again. Because y'all, I'm delicate like a fucking flower. I once got a cold because someone two counties over sneezed. Ergo when people start dropping due to le flu de swine in my IMMEDIATE VICINITY I start calling my loved ones and checking to see who would take my cats.

So, there's that.

I flew home on 2 hours of sleep, cooked a dinner for 20 and stayed up far too late. Again. Then in the morning I got a root canal. I don't know if you've ever been struck by lightening in the face but I swear I have. (Squeamish turn away) You see, he had to inject Novocaine directly into the root of my tooth because apparently I'm immune. Yeah. I am. It hurt. A lot. So, I have spent the last 48 hours not sleeping or eating and just watching really crappy reality tv. Side note, I love me some America's Next Top Model, I really do. I am now back on my feet and attempting solid foods. Look at me, livin' it up!

Luckily last night I slept like a damn champ. Seriously if awards were given out for deep sleeping I would be given one for last night's showing. So now I am able to see straight and have words back. Yay words! Rejoice!

Now excuse me while I go run around in circles again because it's become something of a habit.

Wednesday, September 02, 2009

This Time I Remembered!

I'm leaving town today. I know, I know. You are shocked. This time I am gone until Labor Day. Woo! Working on a holiday weekend! Fun times, huh? You know what's also fun? Flying when sick. In a middle seat. For 3 hours.

Fun fucking times, my friends. Fun fucking times.

Being as I have a new fancy phone that connects to this thing called 'the internet' (have you heard of it? I hear it'll catch on), I may be blogging from the road.

Feel free to wait with bated breath.