Friday, October 31, 2008

I Make Bad Decisions

Last night I had another event. I swore up down and sideways that I would be home and in bed by 11:30. Which is totally why I somehow ended up on Liz's couch at 1 in the morning. I however think being in bed at 2 is totally comparable to 11:30, right?

The night started out with a bang when I ran into my summer fling. He is very, very bad for me for many, many reasons. I know this mentally. However, for the 2 minutes we were talking I was mentally throwing my panties at him. My body just has an insane chemical reaction when he's around. Ergo, I need to put a tracking device on him so I know when he's in a 10 mile radius so I can flee. I think it's a completely reasonable request given the TNT like 'relationship' we had.

The night also ended with a bang when I made out with a highly inappropriate boy in a bar bathroom. It's one of those HIGHLY inappropriate people that when I think about it now in the light of day I literally slap my forehead and go 'OH SHIT'. This has happened 3 times and I have only been up for 20 minutes. However, I was a very good girl and didn't let him come home with me. I get a thumbs up for that, right?

(head falling on table). Fuck. Bang.

Side note: happy Halloween y'all. My costume today is 'Hung over girl in a witches hat'. I pull it off quite well. It's because I commit.

Wednesday, October 29, 2008

Big City Livin'

Yesterday a homeless woman came into my office building and peed on the floor. A coworker of mine slipped in it. How was your Tuesday?

Oh and a side note, boys are stupid. Just putting it out there in case you had any doubts.

Excuse me while I go hide under the covers.

Tuesday, October 28, 2008


Dudes, my weekend (sans boob tape removal) was awesome. Last night I had my first night in since last Sunday. And all I can say is, man, I am fucking old. My body hurts and all I want to do is climb into bed by 8PM and perhaps watch some Matlock.

Thursday, which I wrote about, ended with 3 whole hours of sleep. Friday I went to a cancer benefit that was an 80's prom. I rolled into my house around 1:30, in bed by 2:30 and up at 7 because my body hates me. Saturday...well...I went to a Halloween party, out to eat afterward (still dressed as a 1985 Prom Queen) and I got home at 4AM, had to wash the 80's out of my hair and then in bed by 5:30. Up at 8 because again, body = evil. Sunday was a 1920's costume party downtown which was amazing. I left at 11:30 as I was falling asleep on my feet, but the second my head hit the pillow I woke right up. Starting to see a pattern?

I used to be able to do this. Hell, once upon a time I went clubbing until 7AM, slept for 15 minutes and went to work for 15 hours. AND I WAS FINE. Now I go out for a few nights and I am increasingly aware of my need for sleep and pajama pants. This makes me sad, especially since I have to do it all over again starting on Thursday. Think they'll let me just sleep on the couch at the parties?

Monday, October 27, 2008

The Entry All About Breasts

Yesterday I attended a fancy dress 1920's party in downtown LA. For the event a friend of mine had given me a black ballgown. The issue with this ballgown, is well, that it's evil. You see, the dress has 2 strips of fabric in the front and nothing in the back. Ergo, it is not what we would call 'bra friendly'.

I went to Victoria Secrets and there they convinced me that the stick on bra would totally work. Around 6:30 yesterday evening I discovered that it totally didn't. I may as well have taken the $21, flushed it down the toilet, and then asked the universe to hold up my breasts for me. That would have been a far better use of time. However, I had guessed that the stick on bra wouldn't work, so I had a back up plan. And that plan? Duct tape. You know when your weekend to do list includes the line 'buy duct tape, tape boobs' that it's going to be an interesting time.

Twenty minutes later I had constructed myself a bra made out of tape. It worked! Sure, I couldn't breathe deeply and would have to tape the dress to the bra so that it wasn't obvious, but dammit, it worked. I felt like MacGyver, if MacGyver had boobs. Then about 2 minutes later my chest started to feel hot. Not just hot, but burning and itching. It was then that I realized that my skin, really just my boobs, was having an allergic reaction to the adhesive. This is when I made a very big mistake. Instead of removing the tape with soap and water like the internet told me, I just yanked the fuckers off.


I did.

Internet, it hurt. A lot. It was then that I ran around the house screaming and then called Liz. In her wisdom of all things stupid one could do to their body she instructed me to apply olive oil to what were formally my boobs. This would remove the adhesive and calm the skin. So I did it. I sat on my couch and rubbed olive oil on my boobs while crying and being stared at by my cats. It really and truly is a wonder I am single. But... it worked. The adhesive came off and my skin stopped screaming bloody murder. Sure, I now smelled like an Italian restaurant, but I was able to put on my back up dress and go.

Today I look like a burn victim and still smell mildly like garlic bread, but I have survived. But let this be a lesson to you all, regardless of how good an idea it seems, never, ever, ever duct tape your boobs.

Friday, October 24, 2008


It's 2AM and I just got home from a party. I am so fucked for tomorrow. Oh well. Good thing I am drunk.


SWEET CHRIST. I am the most hung over person in the history of the world. If you live in the greater Los Angeles area and want any red wine, I apologize, I drank it all. There should be a shipment next week.

Last night I went to a costume party at the Magic Castle. If you've never heard of it it's a super exclusive club and you have to be a certified magician to get in. So, of course I jumped at the chance to go as I am a nerd. And hello? Adults in costumes is hilarious, especially when combined with an open bar. The costumes did not disappoint and my two favorites were a group that came as the entire cast of Tropic Thunder (the Tom Cruise guy did the dance, it was genius) and the Verizon Network. They followed the 'Can you hear me now guy' all night and even waited outside the bathroom for him.

I would write more but the world is spinning and I need carbohydrates and water. Stat.

Ouch. So much ouch.

Wednesday, October 22, 2008

An Open Letter

Dear Los Angeles,

Hey amigo, long time no talk. I feel like now that we've hit the 2nd anniversary mark that we really know each other. We get the quirks and foibles and kind of roll with it. For example, I know that you will have bad traffic and stupid people and that sometimes it will take me an hour to get my car out of a parking garage. I accept this. However, LA, I feel you don't accept me. You KNOW I love Christmas and fall and that this is my secret dorky shame. You understand that the second there is a chill in the air I have an overwhelming urge to cover every single square inch with snowmen figurines and/or twinkle lights. To do this however, I require that damn chill. I can't get said chill when it's 95 fucking degrees outside on October 22nd. You see LA, I am starting to get really pissed off. I am essentially cheating on you LA, as I gaze at apartments online all day in places with seasons. Now, I'm not saying I want to break up for good, but my eye is straying. So get your act together, you idiot. I don't want to leave (moving is tiring) but... I can't deal with this bullshit much longer. There, I said it. Now come give me a huge you big nerdy city.

Hugs and Kisses,

Tuesday, October 21, 2008

Now That Was Fun

Last night I had my first official improv show. Man, I need some more of that. It was awesome and the high I felt afterward still has not worn off. However, I would very much like to do without the nerves and the creepiness.

Before the show I was so nervous I wanted to alternately vomit or flee, sometimes both at once. The nerves didn't start when I arrived at the theater which would have been logical. No, they started around 11AM. Which meant I had to work while shaking, answer questions while shaking and generally not climb under my desk, while shaking. It's very difficult to be a Serious Business Person when all you want to do is weep and keep having visions of yourself peeing your pants on stage and running away in shame. Try having that in your head when you do a video conference call. People on the other end will repeatedly say 'are you ok, you seem... tense.' That definitely soothes the nerves.

All the shaking was not needed though as the show went really well. To celebrate the team went out for drinks afterwards which is when the creepy began. First there was a man who appeared to have spent the last year of his life in a scotch bottle. He took a liking to my friend and kept complimenting her in a very odd manner, but only after repeatedly rubbing my shoulders. Finally I told him that if he touched me again I would beat him with my shoe. Scotch man decided it was time to leave the bar. (I'm awesome). Then finally one of my weirder classmate (he was an Ultimate Fighting Champion for a living, let that sink in) had this conversation:

'You should punch me in the face. I love it!'

'Thanks, I'll pass'

'I bet you never punched someone in the face'

'That's where you would be mistaken. I punched an ex in the face after I found out he was cheating on me'

'So you like cheaters, huh? I'm a cheater. Don't tell my girlfriend (who was sitting 2 feet away). But you should give me your number, you know since you like my kind'

It was at this point he tried to hug me and I lit myself on fire and left the bar. Let me just, for the record, state that was the weirdest attempt to get in my pants ever. Because you would think he was joking and I say A) he's not that good and B) dead earnest. So, truly very odd. But, yay improv.

Monday, October 20, 2008

Costa Rica: A Recap

My head is all healed up and now a lovely shade of yellow-y bruise. This means I am ready, willing and able to recap my journey to CR: the land that tried to kill me via tree.

- As you know due to the acupuncturist prescribed diet I have been off the booze for a long while (with a brief 1.5 day relapse for my reunion). Well, I decided these rules did not in any way apply to my vacation. Ergo, I started drinking in Dallas and stopped well, one day soon. Let me tell you the only way to fly is inebriated. Especially when it's bumpy due to a storm over the Gulf of Mexico. The booze also make me very friendly and I invited the dude sitting in the aisle seat to come and club with us. Luckily my very wise friend was sitting in the middle seat and reminded me that A) we weren't going clubbing and B) NO. She's a very good friend.

- When we had called the resort to make arrangements to get there they told us that we would be crazy to drive it as their roads are horrible. Instead we opted for a shuttle bus. Dear sweet Lord was that the right decision as this was the 'highway' getting to the hotel:

Yeah. Not fun in a bus either. My ass... it are bruised.

- We rented an ATV there on a beautiful sunny day. We wanted to drive it to Montezuma and get our revenge there (we are nerds and this was funny to us). Also, the area supposedly has wonderful waterfalls and lakes. We took off with map in hand headed in the '2 to 4km' direction given to us by the ATV rental dude. ATV rental dude apparently is spacially retarded. We drove up every side road within a 6km distance and each and EVERY time either ended up at someone's front door or another resort. It was then that it started to rain. Neigh, not just rain, POUR. I don't know if you have ever driven an ATV with a scared girl on the back down an incredibly muddy road in pouring rain but let's just say it's a wee bit stressful. Especially when you realize that you are wearing glasses, you know, to help you see, and you can't see out of said glasses as they have become a rain water receptacle. I was however, determined to find Montezuma so we soldiered on for a few hours and then gave up, went to the beach and took some pictures. We then returned the ATV to the ATV dude and told him that Montezuma didn't exist and he was a liar. He laughed and set the gringos on their way. Upon leaving a few days later we drove past the road to Montezuma. It was not 2 to 4km's as insisted upon by everyone but 15. Such is life.

- Rain storms are awesome. You will see a lot of them if you go to CR in October. The people in the resort restaurant thought it was hilarious that my friend and I would get so excited when it rained. We explained to them that we live in LA and there is no weather here, only fake boobs and smog. Then we went swimming in the pool during a monsoon. I highly recommend this. Also recommended: doing yoga in an outdoor hut in a rain storm and reading in hammock during rain storm. We did this a lot.

- We got massages the first night at sunset. It had stopped raining and was beautiful, made even more so by the fact that the massage studio was basically an open air hut enclosed by white sheets. While laying there being rubbed I heard a noise. Not just a noise but a noise that sounded like a monkey fighting a boar. I tensed up thinking 'oh lord, I am going to have to run butt naked through the resort when that monkey and boar fight gets closer'. The masseuse seemed to not be worried so I figured she was accustomed to monkey and boar brawls and perhaps would distract them while my nude butt fled to safety. Afterward she explained that it was not a monkey and boar death match nor a dinosaur but a Howler Monkey. I was disappointed. But, on the plus side I heard the Howler Monkeys every night and in my head: Monkey Boar Death Match. It was much more entertaining.

Thursday, October 16, 2008

And I'm Back!

I have returned from Costa Rica in mostly one piece. All I can really say is that it is the most beautiful place I have ever been and I urge everyone who is considering it to GO. GO IMMEDIATELY. However... when there avoid the zip lines. Take this from a girl who has done it and well, almost died. You see, I hit a tree. Head first. Thus, I have a lot of bruises, a scraped face and a mild concussion. I am truly lucky I got away without further injury and am so happy that I had decided to leave my glasses at home that morning. Also thankful it was the last day of the trip and all I had to do after that was hop on a plane and point my ass back towards California. Due to the injury I am not running at full speed. So instead of a full post today I will just put in some pictures and call it good. Hopefully tomorrow I will be feeling a bit better and can put the trip into words.

The beach at Santa Teresa:

Dogs avoiding the rain storm at the dock:

Best bar EVER:

The town of Playa Carmen:

Sunset somewhere over Belize:

View from the ferry:

Yoga Studio at the hotel:

Outside view of our suite:

The infamous zip line:

View from zip line:

Tuesday, October 07, 2008


In approximately 30 hours I am boarding a plane headed to Costa Rica. I decided, oh, about a month ago that I needed more adventure and truthfully, a fucking vacation. Ergo, I combined the two and convinced a friend (i.e. said, wanna go?) to join me. So we will soon be zip lining through the rain forest, learning how to surf and lounging in hammocks for 5 wonderful days. As I am going to a remote part of the country I am more than likely not going to blog until my return to the states. Even if I have internet access I am going to avoid ye ole blog in hopes of fully relaxing.

So until then I will leave you with the knowledge that I called a pharmacist mentally challenged (with more expletives) while picking up my anti-malaria medicine. Liz was on the phone with me at the time and giggled a lot. I was glad I got to share that moment with a friend.

Catch you all in a week!

Monday, October 06, 2008


I currently have no voice and a head cold. What makes this extra super special is the fact that on Thursday I am due to get on a plane to Costa Rica to enjoy my first real vacation in over 2 years.

Say it with me now....


My body best heal itself right quick or I am going to punch myself in the face repeatedly and go back to my only eating quinoa diet. Hear that body? GET TO WORK.

Wow, I Really Am A Geek

Exhausted does not even come close to describing what I am at the moment. I worked all weekend at a nerd convention and between the stress and the standing for 3 days straight and the stress I am an empty shell of faceless blogger.

On the plus side, I fully realize what a flaming geek I am now. See I work in a nerdy industry but have always been just slightly off to the side making fun of people. Well, this weekend I was the one they all made fun of. Why? What could have happened t do this? Well, I saw the stars of the documentary King of Kong in person, took a picture with the ref (seriously, watch the movie, so freaking good) and then saw one Marcia Brady walking around. All of these facts caused me to geek out in a really unbecoming manner and then clutch my chest as I realized 'Gasp! I AM a nerd!' A startling realization, I assure you.

But now, I am getting comfortable in my nerd-itude. But that may be the overwhelming fatigue talking. Now excuse me while I go make my assistant go with me to reflexology. Our feet hurt and I have to pay someone to punch me in the leg, it's been far too long.

Thursday, October 02, 2008

An Open Letter

Dear Dude From the Grocery Store Last Night,

Dude. Seriously. You had 40 items in the 10 items or less lane. Not only that, but your 40 items were all booze or fruit that had to be individually weighed. Do you understand how close you came to death? Seriously, go back in time and look at that check out dude's face. That look? Was rage my friend. Didn't you see how that vein in his head throbbed when you started to argue about the price on limes? Or when you said 'oh crap! hold on!' and then sauntered off SLOWLY to go pick up a single lemon? I believe it was at that moment the bagger started sharpening his knife. But the closest you came to death was when you paid by check. Checks that you, from all appearances, you had never had to fill out before. Who doesn't know they have to date or sign checks? WHO? You my friend, you... aka the person that I am going to hunt down. Hunt. With a bow and arrow because that's hardcore, just like my hatred for you.

Hugs and Kisses,

Wednesday, October 01, 2008

Captain Falls A Lot

To say I am a bit awkward and clumsy would be an understatement of epic proportions. This will come in handy when I am strapped to a zip line in the rain forest in 8 days, but I digress.

Yesterday morning I was dead asleep when my alarm went off. I finally woke up after about 5 minutes of it blaring 2 inches from my head and dragged my sorry ass out of bed. After 3 steps I tripped on air and full on face planted on the ground. My downstairs neighbor LOVES me. The thing about falling, not only falling but falling face first into laundry, is that even when you are alone you look around to make sure no one saw. It's even funnier when you are in just your underpants. When my cats finished laughing at me I dusted off and continued on with my day thinking it was a one off.

Cut to this morning. Dead asleep again, sleeping through alarm again. I wake up, carefully watching my feet. I think I am in the clear from falling again when I open a door, hit myself in the face with it and then fall down. This time I walked away with a slight bruise and bump on my face. Tomorrow I am putting money on the idea that a limb will just fall off.

This is why a camera crew should be following me at all times.