Monday, June 30, 2008

Not a Good Idea

First of all, thanks Blogger for deciding to work again. You're a peach.

Second, it is truly a 100% horrible idea to watch Taxi Driver at the same time you are working on a project right before bed. The work project and the themes of Taxi Driver will come together in a dream that is weird and has lots of bloodshed. Let's just say if the conference I am attending this coming weekend turns out anything like my dream, then there will be a lot of dead nerds. Although fun note, in my dream? I am basically a super hero and an excellent shot.

This weekend in LA was chock full of pretentious restaurants and shopping, just how I like it. I am just going to say that yes, I am dating again. No details yet as I am not sure what aspect of that side of my life I am willing to share again. Let's just say if you claim you are 6 feet tall, at least break 5'10. Hell, let's at least break 5'8. And try not to burp throughout the date. Yeah. Oh and boys are stupid and they hurt your heart. This can only be repaired through vodka and watching So You Think You Can Dance. At least this is the only sure fire cure I've encountered thus far. I'll let you know if I find any other combinations that work.

Thursday, June 26, 2008

Dear God, Make Me a Bird...

People, I need a vacation. And I actually intend on taking on this time and not just sitting in my house wearing a sombrero and drinking a margarita. This weekend coming up is my last weekend for about 3 weeks. Next weekend? I get to work. Every day. The weekend thereafter Sera gets into town and the weekend after that we are driving up to San Francisco. While the second two weekends are awesome and will be immensely enjoyable, I know I will need me some alone time. Ergo, a vacation in either August or September. I am having problems choosing a location however. I want to go some place without Euros as I would like to be able to afford things like food and water and a hotel. I also want to go some place under 10 hours on a plane. Anyone have any ideas?

Wednesday, June 25, 2008

Good Times

In re-reading that last entry I was shocked by the spelling errors and words left out. I was tempted to correct it but I enjoy the fact that it reads as though it was poorly translated from Mandarin. Last night I took of the Ambien and I slept. Oh man, did I sleep. And this? Makes me happy. Maybe now I be able to use the word 'cooperation' instead of 'corporation'. Thanks for that one Brain, you're a champ. Ah coherent thought, I missed ya.

Tuesday, June 24, 2008

An Open Letter

Dear Body,

Hey, long time no talk. I wanted to reach out to you about something specific, something a little hard to talk about. You may want to sit (I know you are more comfortable that way). Body, you are not a robot. You in fact need sleep. I know it's summer with the heat and the sun rising at 5AM. That however does not, I repeat DOES NOT, that you need to get up at 5AM. Perhaps you have some ancient muscle memory of our ancestors in Poland and the plowing of the fields. Those times have passed. You can tell by the lack of plows and chickens in the house. But body, you should have a conversation with Ms. Brain. She's the one weeping in the 'upstairs unit'. You see she needs the sleep to help form the words properly. Sleep helps Ms. Brain realize that she has typed 'midget' instead of 'midst' in an email to a CEO BEFORE she sends it. The before is crucial but due to lack of sleep it was not realized and caused confusion because 'in the midget of a project' doesn't make much sense when you think about it, now does it? Let's work together body, I think we can do it. And if you don't get on board damnit, you will meet Mr. Ambien. I thank you in advance for your corporation.

Hugs and Kisses,

Monday, June 23, 2008

All the Time with the Warm

This weekend it was 100 degrees every day. I do not like this and am in fact all melty. When I moved to LA I imagined temperate weather year round and fake boobs as far as the eye can see. While there are in fact fake boobs a plenty, the weather is not temperate year round and I call shenanigans. I want my daily 72 degrees, no more, no less damnit. I put up with traffic and vapid people and the word 'dude' far too much to also have to deal with Death Heat.

That being said, this weekend was lovely (and warm). I had drinks with a good friend on Friday and she proposed as apparently I make a perfect 1950's housewife and make a mean martini. I politely declined. Then on Saturday the real fun began. I went to a chanting session with Liz. Yeah. I did. And I liked it. Apparently I really enjoy singing phrases I don't understand, loudly, in a room full of strangers. Oh and afterwards they gave me cake. What is not to like about that? I like a place that allows me to sing loudly and off key and then still rewards me. We decided after the cake to head back to Liz's house as she had just purchased a new DVD 'Carmen Electra's Strip Aerobics'. And nothing says 'rockin' Saturday night' like stimulating stripping with a close friend. To say that we fully understood the depth of our whiteness on Saturday would be an understatement. I believe the phrase 'but I'm from Missouri!' was screamed often at the TV when asked to drop down, spread the legs and saucily swing the hips. I highly recommend going out and purchasing this DVD and then awkwardly dancing around to it with a friend in their living room. I am not joking.

I finished off the weekend at the Hollywood Bowl where I saw a friend perform with the Thievery Corporation. It was beautiful and also, very smokey. Let's just say I haven't seen more pot since freshman year of college. Hello contact high! Just sitting there all the sudden I really wanted some Doritos and was feeling the music, man. The girl seated in front of me had obviously gotten baked before she arrived. How do I know this? Well, she was teeny tiny yet shoveling food in at an alarming rate. And also, when she reached in her bag for a cork screw she pulled out a can opener. Once we finished laughing (at her) we gave her our corkscrew. We then continued to laugh about the can opener for the rest of the night. I guarantee this is much funnier if you are surrounded by 17000 people smoking up.

And this is why I like LA.

Thursday, June 19, 2008

How I Spend My Time

Today both Liz and I had days wherein you want to light yourself on fire and run out of the room. After she had a small victory at work I decided she needed a present. The following is something I created for her and total proof as to why I should be an artist.

I believe the highlights are the boobs and the totally accurate hands. Excuse me while I go add 'excellent portrait drawer/artist' to my resume.

Wednesday, June 18, 2008


I am so incredibly happy to be home words can't properly express it. i like traveling but not that much in that short a period of time. I am too much of a homebody, too in love with my apartment and my friends and cats and routine. But, now I am home in my comfy apartment with cats delicately perched on top of my head. And now I am going to go crawl into the world's most comfortable bed and attempt to sleep, which I haven't done in a week. Stupid loud/shaved/lubbed hotel.

Monday, June 16, 2008


This is the welcome kit that greeted me upon my arrival in San Francisco:

Why yes, that is 8 razors, a trial size shampoo and KY Jelly. Why do you ask?

Sunday, June 15, 2008


This weekend? Awesome. That's all I can say really and I keep repeating it. Loudly.

On Friday I had my birthday party that was attended by incredibly amazing friends whom I love dearly. We drank too much wine and ate too many french fries and I slept about 2 hours, but? Totally worth it. Sure, yesterday I could barely function as a human being but I would do it all again.

Yesterday a few friends and I went to a Journey and Queen tribute band concert. Concerts are not as fun when intensely hung over, BUT, there is amazing people watching at a Journey tribute concert held in Long Beach. You would be amazed at the diversity of people who really enjoy singing along loudly to Don't Stop Believin', and I think I found my people.

On that note, I have to go pack again. And try to figure out food. As when you don't really sleep for 2 days and survive solely on wine and fried items the stomach does not crave real food. Odd that.

Wednesday, June 11, 2008


Today was great in a very relaxed and casual way. I had lunch with a friend followed by shopping. Then dinner with Liz and another friend wherein we ate of the pizza and drank of the wine. Back to my house for cake and some awesome presents from Ms. Liz. This my friends is how a birthday is done right. Ergo, a short post so I can bask in the glory of 28. Here are some pictures.

The cake:

When you take 28 candles out of a cake it looks bullet ridden:

New slippers courtesy of Ms. Liz which are like walking on pillows. I have dubbed them 'Spinster Sandals' but they are heaven on earth. My cats are jealous of my new love:

Tuesday, June 10, 2008

T-Minus 45 Minutes...

Until I am 28. I am excited to see 27 go away. Yes please. Here's to 28 bring the best year yet.

And if tonight is any indication of the year to come, then it definitely will be. I saw a Lakers game in a suite with tasty free beer and wine. And? When coming back from the bathroom? I saw Magic Johnson. I, in shock, said 'Magic Johnson!' and he said 'hello'. Obviously we are BFF now and I am on the Christmas card list. I also saw Hugh Heffner and his harem, David Beckham and Flava Flav. He's wee and I can carry him around in my pocket. The game was amazing, Lakers won by a slight margin and against my better judgement I found myself on my feet and cheering them on. That's how good the game was.

Now it's time to go stare at the clock and watch the last minutes of 27 tick away. And all I can say is 'Dear 27, don't let the door hit you where the good lord split you.'


Today I received an awesome early birthday present: tickets to tomorrow's Lakers game. In a suite. See generally I don't really enjoy the sports. But when it comes in a suite with free alcohol, yes please, sign me up. Also, in suites at the Staples Center they have nachos. I will walk to the ends of the earth for these nachos. I am in no way exaggerating.

In preparation for tomorrow I spent the evening at a wine bar with a friend. It was most excellent as the wine was cheap, the bar was empty and the bartender was adorable. We drank of the wine and caught up. This has resulted in an alcohol content far too high for Monday but as it also resulted in a drive home wherein we sang along to 'Livin' on a Prayer' so I think it all evens out. It also resulted in us planning our next trips for our respective 30th birthdays. Her trip will be to Greece and Turkey. However, due to the wine, I insisted the country was actually Hungary. Many, many bad jokes ensued.

This is how all Monday's should be.

Sunday, June 08, 2008

Yes, That Totally Just Happened

This weekend was good and low key as it helped me recover from my trip to glorious Minneapolis. I spent Saturday drinking at an sidewalk wine bar, eating gelato and then watching Iron Man with Liz. This was a very good time and I suggest you get yourself a day like this post haste. However, it was after this wonderful afternoon that I saw one of the most perplexing things ever. Not so much perplexing really as just Blatant Disregard For The Law In An Oblivious Fashion, a BDFTLIANOF for short, if you will.

I was leaving the Trader Joes parking garage, all content with life and my bags full of affordable food stuff. It was then that I saw an SUV weave its way into the garage. The driver caught my eye as she was drinking out of a wine glass. I thought, ok, well maybe she just likes fancy glassware? No. She chugged what was in the glass and shoved it towards the passenger who then filled the glass with wine. Let's repeat that. FILLED THE GLASS WITH WINE. From a bottle. In a moving car. Oh and the passenger? Looked around 18 or younger. Also, neither were wearing seat belts. I just needed to add that as well, I am basically tallying up the law breaking count. I was in such shock that I got about 3 miles away before I could fully process what I had seen. And it was only when I got home that I realized I should have called the cops. I would have told them to just look at the idiot in the SUV who on top of everything was probably getting shitty gas mileage.

It was at this moment that i knew for sure that I need to leave LA eventually. And remember to call 911 when seeing such blazing displays of idiocy. I have, however, promised my brother I will stay until he graduates from high school in 3 years. Perhaps he will let me bump that up when I tell him that people are driving around, drinking, in poorly designed vehicles. Perhaps he'll take pity. Until then I am off to build myself a car with giant inflatable bumpers and an iron man-esque suit. That should help protect me until I am able to flee this city.

Friday, June 06, 2008

I'm Baaa-acck

I will give you one guess where I'm been. Here's a clue:

Oh yes, I was in Minneapolis. Fun fact? God hates me as the second I landed? End of the world. No joke. Hail, thunderstorms and tornados. But, this did not stop my love for the Minneapolis. Why, you ask, would anyone love a city that tries to kill you with the giant hail? That reason is very easy and straight forward. Because they soak everything in butter. I ordered a salad the other day and the waitress brought me a roll to go with it that I believe was 99% butter, 1% flour. It was then that I dropped down on bended knee and asked her to be mine forever. She may not have made the rolls, but she knew where they were kept. Then I unhinged my jaw and swallowed the roll like a snake.

I had quite possibly one of the best meals of my life. In MINNEAPOLIS. You literally could have knocked me over with a feather, but no exaggeration by the end of the meal my coworkers and I were near tears with how good it was. I had a burger. But not just any burger, a burger that had butter added to the meat (yeah), brie melted on top and then served on a homemade english muffin. Also a salad with dressing I want to swim in. AND I DON"T LIKE SALAD DRESSING. Also, the piece de resistance was the side dish the table split which was hand made gnocchi fried with butter and topped with cheese. The last piece was sitting on the dishes and we all circled it like hyenas. I won. Sure, I was scratched and may have severed an arm leaping for it, but totally worth it. If you are ever in downtown Minneapolis, go to 112 Eatery and order the burger and think of me. Then cry a tear of joy for how happy your mouth is.

Moral of the story, sure, Minneapolis will try to kill you with tornados but they will make up for it with butter. I may move there.

PS- all I did in MN was eat and work and not sleep. I am ok with this. But the rest was boring and not worth mentioning how I had to pretend to be an adult for 3 whole days. Tonight I plan on detoxing from the butter (perhaps with pizza) and figuring out how to de-adultify myself.

Wednesday, June 04, 2008

Day 2

Well, that's annoying. I wrote a whole long post and blogger apparently is now a critic and deleted it when I tried to post. Good times!

Just know that last night I got 3 hours of sleep and am too tired to recreate the masterpiece. Ergo, I am going to go stare at walls. Perhaps tomorrow I will remember basic human speech and rewrite. Fingers crossed.

Monday, June 02, 2008

Do You Know What's Fun?


I have in fact reached the end of the internet and watched all TV and movies ever recorded. It's not all it's cracked up to be. But it does make me incredibly thankful for Tivo and the 18,000 episodes of House Hunters I recorded and saved for a rainy day. Well my friends, it's raining. I miss sleep. Tell me what it's like?

Today was not great hence, I believe, the insomnia. Perhaps I will go count sheep. Although with my luck I'll get obsessed with wool and then go buy a loom. Oh yeah, I said it. Be prepared. Everyone is getting hand-loomed (is that a term?) blankets for Christmas. They'll all have pictures of cats as I like to combine my interests.

Sunday, June 01, 2008

The Weekend: A Check List

Attended Sex and the City Movie without killing girls who laughed/orgasmed every time Sarah Jessica Parker opened her mouth: Check

Added new items to Spinster Kitchen: Check

Got mauled by a kitten: Check

It was a very exciting weekend. First, I bought a crock pot. Do try to contain your excitement at this news. I fully blame both my impending 28th birthday (T-Minus 10 days) and Target and it's wooing ways. I went in to buy cereal. I came out with 200 dollars worth of crap, including my new shiny slow cookin' apparatus. To follow up this feat, today I purchased a cookbook for slow cooking and then chased Liz around The Grove with it until she agreed that yes, it sounds like a wonderful way to pass my time. Then she drank a lot of vodka.

But let's back it up to the truly exciting and potentially scarring news: mauled by a kitten. I was having a rockin' Saturday night and was watching The Professional with a cat fast asleep on my lap. During the movie dudes pop out of nowhere with guns all a'wavin' and I jumped. This apparently startled the hell beast on my lap as he tried to claw through my skin and burrow into my chest cavity. It probably didn't help that in the chaos I grabbed onto him and hugged him to attempt to calm him down. (I'm very smart) He did not like this and tried to dig more rapidly. Then I shouted, he shouted and I finally realized 'Hey Jackass, let go of the thing with the flying claws' and he scampered away. That's when I assessed the damage. The damage was plentiful as my shirt was in tatters and my chest and stomach were bleeding profusely. For a moment I thought 'shit, this is how I die, mauled to death by 20 pounds of orange fury', but I somehow pulled through. To say that scratch marks and puncture wounds on the chest and stomach are uncomfortable would be an understatement. I have countered the pain via Neosporin and wine in copious amounts. That's an incredibly sound medical plan I think. Damn, I should have been a doctor. And as a doctor I would prescribe another application of Cab Sauvignon and a man servant to follow me around and fetch things for me. Like chocolate. And clippers for cat nails.

And now a picture of the ferocious beast in all his napping glory: