Wednesday, April 30, 2008

This Week Seems Long

Question, how in God's name is it only Wednesday? No, seriously. For real, this week has a secret extra day. Perhaps twelve of them. By my calculations it's actually May 19th. Stupid long seeming week.

It's possibly also long seeming as I just got home from work and it's 10:20 PM. Sure, it's this late as I had a work event after the official work day, but work events aren't fun by the traditional definition. One can't truly relax when sitting across from CEOs and heads of departments that control your salary. Also there was talk of deadlines and checking of BlackBerrys. Obsessively. This is not my idea of 'a fun night out', it's technically 'not fun, please for the love of everything holy let me go sit on my couch'. At least there was wine. If there weren't I believe I would have set myself on fire and run out of the restaurant 3 hours ago. Because I'm subtle.

Tuesday, April 29, 2008

A Conversation

The following is a conversation I had with a friend tonight. I had introduced her to the Target box o' wine glory a few weeks ago and let her know that they also had single serving ones. Tonight she went to check them out.

Her: The single serving wine looks like juice boxes!

Me: You should take them in your lunch. They make work exciting.

Her: Good point. They are just so cute.

Me: Yes, welcome to my wonderful world of adorable and convenient alcoholism.

Her: Thanks, and well put.

Then I drank a glass of box wine in her honor. It's truly a classy existence, mine, but I like it.

Monday, April 28, 2008

A Day

I have had A DAY. It involved a really crappy 5 hour long meeting. This resulted in my wanting to punch myself in the face repeatedly on my drive home. I did not do this and instead whined to my mommy and said fuck a lot. I am the definition of maturity.

And now, to really drive that point home I am going to watch Gossip Girls and eat cake.

My brain feels all melty.

Sunday, April 27, 2008


Summer has come early to Southern California. Today it was 96 degrees at my house and my air conditioner keeps making my fuses explode. Ergo, I am warm. When I signed up for LA livin' I knew it would come with traffic and giant fake boobs, I did not know however that it would also include living on the surface of the sun. Neither my cats nor I are happy today and we have all huddled around the computer and researched real estate in Portland. It looks cooler there.

On the plus side, I have root beer and lemonade (and cake) and every few hours I have deja vu of my childhood spent in the dessert. If I had some sprinklers to run through I think I wouldn't mind the skin melting off my body. This is yet another reason that I need a home with a yard. The first reason is ,of course, so I can own a hammock and sit in it all day. But, if I had a yard I would be outside wearing pigtails and running through the sprinklers. And that would be good.

Perhaps I should go ask a neighbor to turn a hose on me?

Saturday, April 26, 2008

Things I Learned Today

1) I can not run both my air conditioner and the microwave as it makes my fuses explode.

2) Being hung over when it's 100 degrees outside is decidedly unpleasant.

3) Lars and the Real Girl is an awesome movie, check it out

Today was truly a good day and involved bar-be-queuing, cake and root beer. It also involved a lot of sweat and air conditioning. Thanks global warming, you're a peach.

Thursday, April 24, 2008

Good Times

Today started at 4AM when my cat sneezed on my face. It was pretty much all downhill from there.

Ok, that's a mild exaggeration, the rest was on par with the cat sneeze. It was very busy and stressful and chock full of me running around in small circles trying to keep up with all the projects. I did however find plenty of time to whine and stamp my feet about the lack of cake in my diet. I want cake. Specifically, I want all the cake in the world and then a nap in a hammock. I don't think this is too much to ask. However when I was driving home at 7:30, having finally escaped from under the giant pile of emails, I was too tired to go and get said cake. This made my eye twitch and expletives escape from between my clenched teeth. And then I remembered...I had purchased Eggos. Thus I screamed out loud (yes, this actually happened) 'I have WAFFLES' with the type of glee that one generally reserves for multiple orgasms.

My life is a wonderful tapestry...of embarrassing moments and carbohydrates. It's fun being a girl.

Wednesday, April 23, 2008

A New Plan

So as we all know I am not dating and have declared a ban on all men. It's good times except doesn't really reduce my stress. It does the exact opposite as a matter of fact. Since dating is not on the table I need something new to funnel my energy into. I tried wearing pajama pants and sitting on the couch while drinking wine. I also tried working 14 hours a day. Neither of these worked. Thus the new plan which I like to call 'Kickin' shit (and whatnot)'.

This plan involves the following: Kick boxing and, well... whatnot. I am clever with the naming and details, no? I think this plan will help get me out of the house and one step further away from being a cat lady. It will also help reduce the rage which is generally hurled at other drivers. It will also help my aim.

The plan goes into action the first day that my brain isn't melted from all the working. Stupid brain.

Tuesday, April 22, 2008

An Open Letter

Dear Los Angeles,

Today was Earth Day. Fun, huh? I can tell you celebrated because in honor of today you closed down a large part of Wilshire Blvd to encourage people to use public transportation instead of driving. Kudos. Really. Here I am clapping. Albeit... I am clapping later than usual because the closing of Wilshire caused mass chaos and panic on every other street in the city. My usual 20 minute commute was almost an hour. Boy, nothing says happy Earth Day like idling in traffic with a million other people. It's also fun that since that particular street was closed that my 4 mile commute became 10 due to the reroute to open streets. So, again, excellent planning. Next time why don't we just celebrate Earth Day by lighting a large pile of tires on fire and throwing away a bunch of those plastic water bottles? I think it would roughly the same thing. Just some food for thought.

Hugs and Kisses,

Monday, April 21, 2008

The Massage Part Deux

Yeah, I totally paid the guy for basically poking me with a stick and calling it a massage. Why? Because I hate confrontation pretty much more than anything in the world. I avoid it almost as vigilantly as I avoid exercise. Sure I talk a good game and tell stories about how, for example, the girl who promised me a cupcake didn't bring me said cupcake and I almost chased her down the hall and ripped off her skull like a cheetah...but in reality? I smiled and waved. I am so that girl.

Also I was afraid that if I said something whilst laying on the table he would have freaked out. And then my naked chubby butt would have had to hightail it out of the room. More than confrontation I fear having a roomful of strangers see me naked and running. Ergo, I just laid there. And prayed for death.

Oh? And even worse? I tipped him. Yeah. I did. Because he was standing there staring at me with his undead eyes and even more than I fear confrontation I fear having my blood sucked out. And then I came home and wrote about him on the internet. Vengeance is mine! In a totally non confrontational and pathetic way. Thanks Blogger!

Sunday, April 20, 2008

Well, That Was Interesting

Today I went for a massage and it would have been excellent...if the masseuse hadn't been undead. I got a massage from fucking Nosferatu.

I was waiting in the lobby waiting when my masseuse walked in. He was wearing leather from head to foot, was paler than me which is hard to do if you are living and was about 95 pounds soaking wet. I tried not to judge and figured, hey, he's a professional sometimes these little dudes can be strong. And anyway I think vampires are supposed to be strong. I stripped down and climbed on the table and then he touched me. It was then that I lost the will to live. The dude's body temperature was about 60 degrees. I went 'Yow' and he said 'sorry, my hands tend to be a little chilly'. No! You don't say!

Here's the deal, I myself am ALWAYS cold, but to the touch am furnace like. So much so that previous boyfriends have put a pillow barrier up in hopes that they wouldn't wake up sweating due to the heat radiating off my body. I figured given this quality I would certainly warm up the dude's hands. Ninety minutes later his hands had actually gotten colder and my teeth were chattering. Also the undead strength is apparently a myth as I felt as though I had spent the last hour and a half being tickled with an ice cube. An ice cube that kept TEXT MESSAGING PEOPLE. Apparently he thought that if he just poked at me with one finger I wouldn't notice that he was using his other hand to type. As I am not functionally retarded, I noticed. When I shifted and it was obvious I had 'figured him out' he sighed and put away his cell. At least the undead are considerate.

All this for the bargain price of 85 dollars. I'm a lucky bunny.

Saturday, April 19, 2008

Things I Enjoy...

#2 - Night out with friends for tapas and sangria then driving through Hollywood singing Journey at the top of our lungs.

It was a good night.

Tonight? I am going to Passover dinner. The first I have ever been to and I am actually quite excited. I also made a side dish for dinner. What dish would that be you ask? Jello shots.

And no, I'm not joking.

Thursday, April 17, 2008

Things I Enjoy...

#! - Being wined and dinned by companies that would like to be on my client list. That RULES. I enjoy wine, but I really fucking love free wine. Especially when it is combined with free mini burgers. And goat cheese pizza. And french fries. The diet is going really well, why do you ask?

I especially love being wined and dined on Thursdays and then being dropped at home so I can watch 30 Rock. As I have a a small little life this is my perfect night. Now if only someone would stop by and give me a massage and clean the litter box for me I could die happy.

Wednesday, April 16, 2008

Oh My Achin' Head

I have had a migraine all day. I have taken more Advil than recommended in a lifetime and have done everything but put my head in a bucket of ice. If it doesn't stop with the pounding/stabbing/blinding pain...that's next. If only I had ice.

A Bit Crabby

Yesterday I was not fit for human consumption. I should have been allowed to stay home and throw things at people on the tv. However, I was forced to go to work and deal with people all the live long day. I believe I deserve a Congressional Medal of Honor for not gutting anyone. Sure, I said things that should have only been thought, but that happens.

That happens especially after it takes me 45 minutes to drive 6 miles. During the home stretch I am driving across an intersection when Douchbag McSkeazy and his girlfriend in desperate need of a sandwich, just decided that they should be allowed to walk across the street even though there was large pieces of metal driven by angry Angelinos (me) hurtling towards them at 40 MPH. Again, Congressional Medal of Honor.

I picked up a friend and we headed to dinner. We came to a 4 way stop and it was my turn to go when another car decided no, it was her turn. So I said out loud 'NO! It's MY turn!' (should have been thought, but the windows up, no way she could have heard) and SHE STOPPED. She also looked my way, a bit afraid. I think to think she felt my rage. Once my friend stopped laughing, she agreed. Although she contends I'm just magical. I like that one better.

Monday, April 14, 2008


Today is the one year anniversary of my Grandma's death. As such I would like to share a memory. I was 6 or so and sitting around with her and her other (biological) grand daughter, Kim. It was about 110 degrees at 9PM and her air conditioning wasn't working well. Kim and I were laying on the ground too warm to even play cards or watch TV when my grandma stood up, closed her book and said 'That's it! Follow me'

We did, of course. We followed her as she made her way through the house to the back door kicking off her slippers and shedding her robe, muttering the whole way how it wasn't sane for a person to live in a state this hot. When we reached the back door she was stripped down to her underwear, looked at us and said 'well, what are you waiting for?' That's when Kim and I laughed, got down to our skivvies and jumped in the above ground pool.

We all swam around in circles for hours in our underwear. Floated on our backs and stared at the full moon while my grandma told us stories about growing up in Pennsylvania and sneaking down to the creek to go skinny dipping. She laughed then and said 'you haven't lived until you've skinny dipped in the moonlight.'

Hours later when we were tucked in bed, cooled down and sated, I remember smiling and thinking that this was a fun night. And hoped I would remember it.

That was the woman who raised me, who made the smallest things fun and everything an adventure. And I miss her each and every day. So, thanks Grandma for teaching me how to have fun and let go, it's made me who I am. I love you.

Sunday, April 13, 2008

Weekend: A Recap in Shortform

- Today I watched a golf match with my family including my grandparents. They did not appreciate it when my mom and I giggled about how cute some of the golfers were and then occasionally pretended to fall asleep. This will hopefully be the last golf match I ever watch on TV.

- I don't like to talk about my stepfather because when I use the type of language I get blocked from some other sites. Oh well, fuck it. He's a socially and emotionally retarded motherfucking fuckwit asshole and I hate him with the fiery passion of 1000 suns. (My family puts the fun in dysfunctional.) Well, this weekend he apparently thought I was 13 and screamed at me a for coming home late. It was 1AM and um...I am 27 and don't live here. I didn't know whether to laugh or cry. So I did both. In retrospect HILARIOUS.

- Speaking of hilarious my brother and I were hanging out with some of my friends and they showed us their new vacuum. As I am a dork I was oohing and aahing over it (it's rad) and my brother mocking stood back shook his head and said 'Is this an 08?! Do you know someone?! Hook a brother up!' This made me happy.

- When asked by my friends if I was considering dating in LA eventually (in a few/many months) and I said yes. I said I assume my new beau will be named Douchebag McSkeazy as that's pretty much the availability in this great city. We'll be very happy together.

- My grandma contends that AOL is out to get her. She swears up down and sideways that she can not get nor open attachments. We all offered to look and help and she refused. It's really hard not to laugh when someone, with complete earnest seriousness, explains how a large email server hates her. This speech resulted in my and my mom and uncle rolling around on the floor laughing so hard we were crying. We are nothing if we are not a loving and supportive family.

I am so insanely glad to be home. I am going to sleep in a bed that's not a twin and this is a good thing. I love my family (except for the members with the word 'Step' in their name) but I could not be happier to be sitting on my couch. Yay home.

Thursday, April 10, 2008

Today at work some girl gave me cookies. I do not know her name but whenever she walks past my office I smile real big like in the hopes that she will bring me a cake next. They were some incredibly tasty cookies and it's what I had for lunch. It's part of my 'health kick', by which I mean I don't care and will eat it... especially if it's at least 90% carb.

But, seriously if more people just walked up and gave me cookies I would be a very happy person. We should put this into law. That and we should do away with any meeting over 30 minutes long because I have the attention span of a gnat on coke. This is not an exaggeration. Today I was in a meeting and listening and then at the thirty minute mark noticed I had a split end. Which then spiraled into staring at everyone else's hair and then thinking about that show on Bravo with that hair guy Jonathan and then thinking about how Bravo let Project Runway go and then I started thinking about Posh Spice. My mind is a special place that is mostly just a hamster on a wheel. At least the wheel is sparkly and pink.

And now it's time to go pack. Again. I swear I should just move directly into LAX as it would really cut down on the parking costs.

Wednesday, April 09, 2008


I have never lived in Minnesota. However, I often sound as though I was conceived, born and raised within the beating heart of Minneapolis. For some reason I get a twang that is decided Fargo, and it's not something I am proud of. I literally have to fight it to sound completely bland and normal. Many a time someone has said, 'where are you from, Ohio?' And no, no I'm not.

However, when I go to Canada twice in 6 days I come back sounding as I have maple running through my veins (ok, I probably do). I have the heaviest Canadian accent ever heard in the history of the world. Mike Myers would be proud. I notice it in my own voice and am annoying the crap out of myself. I even started to end a sentence with 'eh' but punched myself in the face just in the knick of time. Good thing I have quick reflexes.

On the plus side I am amusing friends when the call me. There's a pause and then a ' sound different'. Oh, I do, eh? Maybe that's because I fly to Canada every 18 hours, sleep in haunted hotels (no joke, ghosts, the whole 10 yards, it was bad) and then fly back again. Life is awesome.

It will probably be at least a couple of weeks before I head north again, just long enough to remember how to correctly pronounce words containing the letter O.

Tuesday, April 08, 2008

The Most Tired Person in the History of the World

That would be me. I am back from Canada, again. I contend my hotel room last night was haunted as I was able to sleep about 20 minutes on and off due to horrible nightmares.

On the plus side, I found amazing maple donuts in the airport. I basically rolled around on the floor having a religious experience and then ordering another. It was that good. These donuts are reason enough to move to Canada or you know, fly there every other day.

Also, Bill Pullman was on my plane. I recognized him but the only movie I could remember him being in? Casper. Which A) made me feel like a huge dork because I have seen Casper and B) made me feel like a huge dork as I should know other movies he has been in. Then I ate another donut and forgot about Bill Pullman.

Viva Canada!

Sunday, April 06, 2008

Just When You Think You're OK

I have been doing well with the whole being newly single thing. I really have. I know ultimately that I made the right decision about my relationship. Every so often though? Suddenly I catch myself hurting. Especially when stupid social networking sites show me that certain ex's are talking about girls they think 'are the cutest thing they've ever seen'. I think it's time to prune the friend list as that's not fun at 8AM.

It's especially not fun after my night last night. I went to a party, a very, very LA party. Ergo it took pretentious to a whole new level. There was a dude in an ascot. Yeah. He was like a real life Chuck Bass . I have since discovered that Chuck Bass is only fun in theory or fiction. But at the party? Ascot guy was the best option.

Me thinks dating in LA (eventually, when the man ban is lifted), is going to be the hardest thing I have ever done. Most of the men I have encountered are crazy, pretentious or taken. Sometimes all 3 rolled into one awesome package. And let's face it, I am a size 10 which in LA might as well be 'needs weight loss surgery and a muumuu'. It does wonders for a girl's self esteem. I think I am just going to sit around and hope that the man I am supposed to be with is delivered on my doorstep wearing a bow. And not an ascot.

Friday, April 04, 2008


Canada is pretty and friendly and my waitress said 'eh?' repeatedly. This made me ungodly happy. Also making me happy? The fact that everyone encouraged me to drink more wine and then sit around and brainstorm. This is how all business should be done.

Sadly, not everything was made out of maple and I didn't get a mountie. I did however meet a boy who played a lot of hockey and had a wonky eye and many fake teeth to prove it. I found this oddly attractive. That is until he picked his nose. And...the man ban continues.

And now I need to take a nap. As for dinner I had a Xanax and wine. Liz would be proud.

Wednesday, April 02, 2008

Canada Bound

So, I am headed to Canada. Twice in fact. I am leaving tomorrow, back Friday then heading back Monday and back on Tuesday. Logical, no? Let's just say it's all very last minute and the planning wasn't so much thought out as it was 'you're going to Canada tomorrow, oh and on Monday, you are cool with that, right?'

I have never been to Canada and not sure how much I will see outside of all the meetings, but I am excited. I am excited solely because I have a theory that everything in Canada is made out of maple. Also, every girl is assigned a Mountie. This is correct, right?

Please tell me this is right as it's the only reason I am not freaking out.

Tuesday, April 01, 2008

Dinner With AJ

Tonight I had dinner with my friend AJ. It was an elegant affair at a salad bar. You know it's a classy joint by the fact that as soon as we sat down, the woman seated in the next booth threw her child up in the air...and then child threw up everywhere. Mmmm, is that lemon I smell? What wonderful, idiot of a parent decides that hey, my child just ate, here's a good time to spin them and turn them upside down? And then just stands there, staring at it for 5 minutes? Why it's the wonderful idiot that I will always get seated directly next to. I am blessed.

It was a good dinner (after things got mopped up) however as it was one of those nights where everything is funny. We decided to give slogans to each female oriented cable networks. I would like to share my two favorites with you:

We! have vaginas and if you are watching you more than likely do to.

Hallmark Channel: No one has touched your vagina for a long, long time. So here, please enjoy this episode of Dr. Quinn, Medicine Woman.

It's a bit wordy but I think it will catch on.