Monday, March 31, 2008

I Have Issues

To help keep my sanity I am planning my next vacation. It will be sometime in September and will more than likely be all on my lonesome. I have narrowed it down to roughly 1900 places. They range from Alaska to Russia and everywhere in between. However, I have a top two: an ashram in upstate New York or a beach cabin in Carmel. I have always wanted to go to an ashram and this one comes highly recommended. And it's fall! In the east! With the leaves changing! However...the beach cabin is slightly ahead. Why, you ask? Because I can take my cats.


I totally said it. I might as well just get a perm and stirrup pants and call it a day.

Sunday, March 30, 2008

An Open Letter

Dear Simon Cowell,

A) What the eff were you doing on my street? Seriously dude, are you lost? Did you feel like just taking a spin and mocking those with living spaces significantly smaller than yours?

B) Thanks for swerving at the last minute and missing my car. Perhaps if you hadn't have been talking on your cell phone this would have been an easier maneuver.

C) I still find you oddly hot. Just wanted to put that out there. So, if you are ever in my 'hood again swing by. I cook. And I put out.

Hugs and kisses (seriously dude, it could happen),

Friday, March 28, 2008

Today Was a Good Day

Today was gorgeous and I was free to spend all day outside. So I did. I had lunch with a friend wherein we discussed important things such as Rock of Love, past winners of reality shows and who in Hollywood we would like to do dirty, dirty things to. Then I went shopping where I bought incredibly useful things like apple scented candles and lacy, completely impractical, especially as I will apparently never have the sex again, under garments. They are pink and Italian and I am in love with them. Perhaps I'll just frame them. Or just proclaim my obsession with them on the internet.

Now I am puttering around and cooking diet food (mac and cheese) and contemplating cleaning (hint: it's not going to happen). Next I think I am going to go sit on my balcony and read.

I like today.

Thursday, March 27, 2008


Last night was my going away party at work. My coworkers decided that in honor of me escaping that I should consume all the alcohol in Los Angeles. If you are looking for tequila or whiskey in southern California, I'm sorry, you'll have to wait for the next shipment as it's currently all in my body.

Here's a snap shot from my evening:

I sang Sweet Home Alabama, danced, and dropped down on one knee pointed towards the heaven and screamed Lord I'm Comin' Home to YOU at the top of my lungs into a microphone. Two things, one I am 100% tone deaf and two, I am agnostic.

I generally avoid singing in public as I am completely serious about the tone deaf thing. However, the second alcohol hits my liver it's all 'give me a microphone, bitches, this girl needs to burst into song'. It was bad. Very, very bad. And oddly, southern. As around midnight I apparently decided I was in fact from the deep, deep south and spoke as such. Really it's shocking that this much class and distinction can fit into one person. It's a skill.

Tuesday, March 25, 2008

A Comedy of Errors

Today I walked in the office, sat down at my desk and realized my computer was gone. So I called IT.

'Um, hi. Just got in and my computer is gone.'

'Yeah. We took it. Yesterday was your last day, right?'

'No...that would be Thursday. That's why I am calling you. From my desk. Asking for a computer'

'Oh. HR told us your last day is Monday the 27th'

'My last day is the 27th, Thursday. As today is the 25th...well, you get the picture...'

'Fucking HR!'

So, they brought me a computer. And I worked, really and truly this time (except for the 45 minutes I spent reading a magazine) until 2 PM when everything on my computer stopped working. Odd, I think, and restarted. Only my computer now won't let me log in. So I called IT.

'Hi, me again. My computer stopped working.

'Right, we locked you out. Yesterday was your last day, right?'

And that's when my forehead hit my desk. Finally at quarter to 5 they fixed it. I am determined when I come in tomorrow my desk with be gone with a note that says 'your last day was Monday, right?'

Monday, March 24, 2008

Notes From A Day

- Hospital gowns are drafty

- My seemingly very uptight doctor apparently REALLY likes techno music. I think listening to techno while looking at someone's colon is bizarre, but hey, different strokes different folks.

- While under I dreamed about work. I do not think this is fair because I have quit and did not go to work today. It's haunting me and I would very much like this to stop. Because it wasn't just a dream about work, it was me at work, with a last minute project with bossman yelling at me. Dear brain, please stop this post haste.

- No food for 42 hours makes me a very cranky person. During an America's Next Top Model marathon I threw something at my TV as someone (shockingly) said something stupid.

- When I woke up and they gave me cookies I proposed to a nurse. She declined.

- Why is it one only gets the insanely attractive anesthesiologists when one has their rear exposed and all probed? I want to talk to the person in charge of that. Not cool, dude. Not cool at all.

- Liz, as we have established, is awesome. Squared. She picked me up and got me home all quick like and filled me with food. Also, ex boy drove me to the doctors. I like my people. Especially when they help me find cake and then help me eat it.

- Clean bill of health. Yay colon. Keep up the good work.

Saturday, March 22, 2008

An Open Letter

Dear March,

I have something to tell you but I think you should sit down. This is hard, March, as I don't want to embarrass you, but you are technically located in spring. There. I've said it. I understand sometimes we all act out. But March, having it be 91 degrees is a bit over the top, don't you think? It's not summer, regardless of how badly you want to be a part of aren't. Be comfortable in your own spring-y skin. Embrace it. Preferably with temperatures in the 70's. All I'm saying is I love you, and you seem upset. Please give me a call if you want to talk it out.

Hugs and Kisses,

PS- the fact my air conditioner is on is pissing me off. If you can't seem to get your issues straightened out, you're getting my electricity bill. Let's hope it doesn't come to that. This is called Tough Love.

Friday, March 21, 2008

Who's A Lucky Bunny?

Why I do believe that's me! Why am I so lucky you ask? Well, on Monday I get to have a colonoscopy. So for Easter dinner I get to have apple juice and laxatives. Just like Jesus intended.

Also, I now know, 100%, that I made the right decision to quit my job when I am kind of excited about the fact that a last minute colonoscopy means one less day in the office. It's a sad day when you would rather have your business end probed than have to deal with your boss.

Thursday, March 20, 2008

Thanks Jesus!

Today we got notification that my office is closing at 1PM tomorrow in honor of the holiday weekend. A coworker of mine stood up, ran, leaped in the air and click his heels together in celebration. Then somehow, magically, all 6 feet 2 inches of his limbs got entangled together and he hit the floor. I like to consider this my Easter bonus. Usually I'm the one who falls. Now I fully understand what people are laughing at...that shit is funny.

I like the fact that all my coworkers are banding together to make asses of themselves. I like to think of this as my parting gift. However if they were this funny and non-asshole like all along maybe I would have stayed. Oh well, they fall down and go boom now, and I like it.

Wednesday, March 19, 2008

I Enjoy The Margaritas

Tonight my friend and I went and had many a margarita. Then we played Guitar Hero. This type of evening is preferable to most.

I have been celebrating the quitting of the horrible soul killing job that attempted many times to make me cry. I think this is an event worthy of multiple drinks made of tequila and far too many tortilla chips. It will also be celebrated this weekend with more drinks and dinner with friends and ,more than likely, more Guitar Hero before I have to hand it back in with my ID card. Personally I think they should give it to me as a parting gift. Along with the 6 months of my life I wasted.

Soon I will will have to stop the celebrating or I will end up in a muumuu. Celebrating is fun, but caloric. And also gets in the way of typing, as after 3 margaritas, the letters seemed to be jumbled. Silly letters.

Tuesday, March 18, 2008

A Fun Way To Wake Up

So every night before I go to sleep I put on lotion. My new lotion is orange scented and pretty strong. This morning at 3:15AM I was awoken by a strange sensation, my cat was licking my elbow. And from the feel of it, had already licked my entire arm. Apparently he needed a little citrus in his diet. Time to discontinue that lotion and have a serious sit down talk with my cat about personal boundaries.

On a total non sequiter today was awesome. Why, you ask? Because I quit my job. Man I hated that job so much that words can't properly describe it. Upon quitting I had to restrain myself from doing a jig of glee. I have now celebrated by eating of the Peeps. I know how to PAR-TAY.

Monday, March 17, 2008

A Scene From My Life

4PM at desk hard at work (checking myspace) and had just popped an Altoid.

Company President walking up to my desk: Can I see that ad?

Me: Sure (hiding myspace and explaining creative) So that's about it, I think we accomplished the objective.

CP: Agreed, that one small change and then we'll be good.

Me: Great! (leaning over and writing down the change he requested)

CP: Good work! (Slaps me on the back. Hard.)

Me: (I swallow Altoid, cough)

CP: Do you smell mint?

And then my coordinator laughed so hard he almost fell out of his chair. My life is awesome.

Sunday, March 16, 2008

A Long Weekend

My brother is in a musical. So, this weekend I spent a total of 12 hours in a car, with the flu, to be home for a total of 18 hours. I would only do this for my brother as he's awesome. Best part of the weekend? After the play some friends and I went to Chez Applebee's (because we rock it classy style in the suburbs) and who walked in? My soon to be 15 year old brother. On a date. I, of course, harassed him via text until he figured out I was 5 feet away. Man, I am a giver.

Side note, I so enjoy going home. Not only do I get to see friends and family, but my mom did my laundry, folded it and then gave me an Easter basket. I am so hopped up on sugar at the moment the world is vibrating. I am ok with this.

Wednesday, March 12, 2008

Grandpa, Is that You?

I just Vapo rubbed my feet. It's gotta be all uphill from here, right?

Liz now swears that the VapoRub on the feet is the miracle cure for what ails you. At this point if someone told me that hopping on one foot while waving a flag worked, I'd try it. It's been well established that I have the delicate constitution of a fruit fly or dying blade of grass, take your pick. One of the other lovely side effects of my new medicine, besides the FLAMING TOMATO RED face, is the complete destruction of the immune system especially during the first week. So my immune system is now non existent and someone in Delaware apparently sneezed, and thus, I'm sick. Hence the gooey feet. And the staring at the ceiling bemoaning my state as a human being.

I am a ray of sunshine and joy. With feet that smell like a retirement home. Sexy.

Monday, March 10, 2008

Red in the Face

So, here's a revelation. I have vitiligo. It's a skin disorder where you slowly lose your pigment. For me, it's not crazy, crazy bad as I am already pale as ass. Ergo, it doesn't show up too much. Also, I don't have it on my face or obvious areas. And, when not drunk, I rarely lift up my shirt and show people my belly, so people can go for long periods of time without knowing I have the disorder. Then they give me one too many shots of whiskey and are forced to see areas of my body usually kept covered, and well, there you have it. For a long while I was amazingly embarrassed about the disorder, but I am trying to get over that and own up to it. Yes, I have odd white patches. But, I now like to think of it this way, I am a walking talking game of connect the dots. Sexy.

I am finally getting treatment for this. The treatment entails rubbing really strong steroid creams all over my body and then standing real still to let them soak in. I have discovered the hard way that these creams stain things. Like couches. And cats. And walls. I have also discovered that the little warning pamphlet that comes with it holds very true. In it, it tells me that I should avoid alcohol as it can make my face red. Being as I am a virtual hermit these days I was like whatever dude, my cats don't care what color I am and I poured myself a glass of wine. After two sips I am now FLAMING TOMATO RED. So much so that my cats are afraid and are in the other room whispering about how the pigment-less patches were better than then creepy red. I am truly rocking the perfect storm of Not Hot at the moment. Shockingly red face, yoga pants covered in cat hair (and I wonder WHY I'm single) and a Hooters tank top (because the ensemble needed some refinement). It's truly a wonder that then men just aren't lined up at the door baring gifts of diamonds and chocolate. Or at the very least, some powder to help tone down the red.

Sunday, March 09, 2008

I am the Hung Over


Stupid repercussions. Last night was hilariously fun, and today I am paying for it. But, I would do it again in a heartbeat...with perhaps less wine and significantly more water.

This makes me feel old. I can no longer stay out until 5 drinking whiskey and the next day wake up at 10, feelin' no pain. Now? One bottle of wine and a bed time slightly later than usual and it's all I can do to get my ass up off the couch to get more water.

Stupid aging with stupid being responsible for too long.

Oh and whoever hit fast forward on the day? Please show yourself so I can kick you squarely in the crotch.

I am the drunk

Yay. Wheeeeeee!

Yay also to dinner parties and friends and three bottles of wine between three people.

Note, Saturday Night Live is significantly more funny when drunk. Guitar Hero is more difficult. As is spelling. And punctuation.

Vive le spell check!

Friday, March 07, 2008

Today Was Better

First of all, Chuck, Guitar Hero is so 'taking up the guitar'. Sure, it's tiny and made of plastic and without strings. But you can play it while drinking wine and talking on the phone (which I did tonight, I am awesome at the multi task) and I think that trumps a real life instrument any day. Except after playing for two hours my hand now hurts from clinging on to the teeny little 'guitar' frame. Dorkiest.Injury.Ever.

Today at work there was an issue with some work we had done. Due to this error I got to say the word semen at work. Often. You really haven't lived until you've gotten to say semen, with a TOTALLY STRAIGHT FACE, to the company president. I have said semen more times today than I have in my entire life. I can't stop. Semen semen semen.

By the way,this post will really fuck with the google ad bot. I think it may be my new goal in life to just utterly confuse the ad bot and have it just eventually just give up and give me money. It's probably already confused as it just advertises 'sexy girls underpants' which confuses me. As this here little blog has very little to do with sexy and only mentions underpants every other entry. Ok, probably more than that. But still, if it starts advertising semen I'm going to have to have a sit down talk with Google.

Thursday, March 06, 2008

Life Has Meaning Again

As I have discovered a reason to keep on truckin':

I am not good. At all. And I have a feeling that if I were to drink I would get substantially worse. But that's a risk I am willing to take.

The things I do for my music...

I think I'll spend all weekend playing and hopefully advance rapidly. I would really like to play some Skynard. Because then, I feel, life will be complete.

Wednesday, March 05, 2008

Le Sigh

Dear Today,

Kindly suck it. Hard. And when you are done, kindly kick yourself in the ass, equal to or more than you kicked mine.

Today, I don't know what I did to you, but apparently in a past life I killed your dog then used the carcass to kill your entire family. And then apparently I peed on their graves. Because that, Today, is the only reason you should have treated me so badly.

Oh, but thanks for making sure I had Cap'n Crunch at the end.

Hugs and Kisses,

PS - I swear, I'm a nice person. Promise. Can we make tomorrow significantly better? I'll bake you cookies. Or give you a massage. Just make it better. Like lots and lots. Because I can't take another day this bad.

Tuesday, March 04, 2008

Because I'm Classy

This morning I woke up groggy and late and had to rush to get ready. Being as I am retaining all the water in North America( seriously, it's on CNN) I wore not my best clothes. Beyond not my best clothes. See, every girl has certain undergarments that are reserved for 'special times'. Mine? Are extra classy because that's how I roll. I believe they have been around since the Regan administration and are held together by a pray and a single string. I figured, whatever, according to the oracle book I am dying alone surrounded by cats and headed out.

To my dermatologist appointment.

In Beverly Hills.

I pulled into the garage at the same time as a nice looking gentleman in a $250,000 Bentley. Brand new, still had the stickers on Bentley. I pulled on my chic Gap hoodie and walked into the office. About 10 minutes later, after having the nurse explain to me that as a first time patient they want to do a routine skin cancer check, I am wearing a hospital gown. Then, in walks the guy from the Bentley, my new doctor. It is then that I realize that Bentley boy is going to do the body check and see my underwear. My super classy for my eyes only held together by a wing and a prayer panties. Cold. Sweat. Luckily it's at that point that I sent a silent thanks up to Jesus as doctor boy is gay. And I think, after my exam, ready to send me a check for new underwear.

Tonight the underwear go in the trash, with a tear and a thanks for the fond memories.

Monday, March 03, 2008

Fuck You Oracle Book

On Saturday while getting ready to go out I used Liz's Oracle Book. If you are unfamiliar with these they are large books with a simple phrase written on each page. You place your hands on either side of the book and ask a question then open the book to any page and this is your answer. So there's your scene.

Me: Oracle Book, will I have sex in the next six months?

Book: It's time to take matters into your own hands.

I shit you not. The book made a masturbation joke. I hate that fucking book.

Sunday, March 02, 2008

Last Night, A Recap

Last night was awesome. And drunken. Ergo, drunkenly awesome. It started out rocking out to Journey and ended eating a mountain of french fries served by a transvestite waitress.

Ms. Liz and I drank of the whiskey (me) and the vodka (her and me) and played very bad pool which she has already written about on her blog. It was some of the worst pool I have ever played as the balls did not want to go in the hole. This is probably due to the fact that I hit in them in the completely opposite direction and then tried to verbally convince them to move towards the pocket. They did not want to. Odd, really.

Due to drunkenness things were significantly more hilarious that they would be completely sober. This fact also applied to our catch phrase for the evening: Ace the We. We screamed this out often and loudly. It confused people. This is because people are dumb and oblivious as the answer was written across my chest.

I had purchased a new shirt which looked like this:

As it was chilly I paired it with a cardigan thus looking like this:

I understand that to you, the reader, this is more than likely not amusing. What I suggest is doing a few shots of a hard liquor and then picture me, anonymous blog girl, wearing that, holding a pool cue and doing tai chi. Then you'll understand.

Saturday, March 01, 2008

Hodge Podge

- I am sadly addicted to America's Best Dance Crew. I guarantee they didn't think their demographic would be a shockingly pale blond girl who drinks wine and crochets while watching. I rewatch the episodes every time they are on, which is often. I am shocked I get to leave the house.

- I secretly want to be a 1950's housewife. Without the cleaning. I would however cook and wear dresses with big skirts and drink martinis all day.

- This is first time in as long as I can remember that I feel afraid. It's exciting but at the same time, obviously, scary. Single at 27.8 years of age for the first time in 4 years. Unnerving.

- Am going out tonight to a pub. Am excited about a non fancy, non pretentious bar in LA. Is it a myth or does it really exist? I plan on wearing my Converse, reports to come tomorrow.

- This pisses me off: all week it was fucking GORGEOUS outside. Sun shining, feeling all like summer. I could not wait for the weekend and drinking margaritas on my 'balcony'. Today? Overcast. Windy. Cold. California, please suck it.

And now, a picture of my cat, because I can and am lame: