Monday, October 29, 2007

Computer Go Boom

My computer has assploaded. We tried to install a certain new operating system named after a certain fast land mammal and now my computer is pretty much a fancy paperweight. The boy worked diligently on it all day yesterday but it still refuses to believe that I do in fact live in America, speak English and like the internet. The week is off to an awesome start.

I also know this will be a super great day because this morning I was woken up by my cat biting my nose. Hard. I have a little mark now and thus get to explain to coworkers what happened. I am just going to say I was in a bar fight. This explanation works for two reasons: it negates the whole crazy cat lady persona and it may prompt them to leave me alone. That would be lovely. For some reason Mondays in my office are painfully busy, so I would rather claim shiving a man with a beer bottle and incurring a small scratch than having to run around clutching 19 creative briefs as I just make it to my 1000th meeting. I think it's a totally plausible story. Perhaps today is not the day to wear J Crew and pigtails. Food for thought.

Wednesday, October 24, 2007

So That's Fun

I've stopped sleeping pretty much full stop. It's awesome. I would totally recommend it to a friend. Especially if said friend enjoyed nodding off at their desk only to wake when their head hit the corner of the cabinet next to said desk. As my body is actually 90% bruise the new one will just blend right in.

Speaking of bruises I have a rockin' one on my calf. The other night I was asleep (this was before the apparently sleep ban) and I woke up because I felt someone stabbing me in the leg. Only I was alone and as far as I know my cats neither have a vendetta or opposible thumbs with which to hold a knife. So, obviously the logical conclusion to come to at 3 in the morning when you have a stabbing pain in your leg, is that you have a very angry ghost. Upon deciding that there is an angry ghost all a'stabbin' I woke-the-fuck-up. This may or may not have been the beginning of sleepless a thon 2007, but I digress. The next morning my calf was purple. The bruise is now about 4 inches in diameter and a wonderful shade of green. People at work often stop to point it out asking 'Oh My GOD! That's huge! Did you know you had that? How'd it happen?' As one can not punch co workers in the face without serious repercussions, I say, yes, I know, and no, no idea but I have a completely plausible theory involving ghosts. That's when they walk slowly away. I'm a friend making machine.

Monday, October 22, 2007

My City is on Fire, Again...Again

Ah LA, this was fun the first time. But now that we are at the 5th fire, it's getting a bit old. So how about you quit bursting into flames and I'll bake you a cake? I think that's a pretty fair deal. So you consider that Los Angeles, I'll be over here, waiting patiently.

Seriously though I am lucky I am in an area that's fairly central and urban maeaning that I am about 20 miles away from the fire and the only landscaping around is the small patch of grass in front of my building. The fire would have to burn through all of Beverly Hills to reach me and BH would simply not stand for it. They'd stamp their Jimmy Choos and demand the fire turn right around because do you KNOW who they are? And the fire would listen. I wouldn't want to piss someone off who is 98% synthetic either.

On a pleasant note yesterday I got a Wii. I spent about 12 hours of my day playing electronic versions of games I would never go near in real life. Apparently I am an excellent golfer, a world class bowler and the worst boxer known to man. And, it's awesome. The Wii is my new life partner and I have pledged my undying love and gratitude for it's existence. On top of all this the Wii has taught me something: I really, really, really need to go to the gym. After 12 hours of fake sports my back and arms are sore like I actually did something. Today at work when I couldn't fully move my arm and people asked why, I simply said I had played tennis all weekend. I neglected to say that the tennis was on my television set and I was playing whilst in my pajamas.

Speaking of pajamas, it's 9:30 and as I am 129, it's time for bed.

Thursday, October 18, 2007

They're Trying to Kill Me

My job is trying to kill me. Today I had lunch at 7:30PM. Mmmm. On the plus side, eating only 2 meals a day and slowly ripping my hair out, is an effective diet. Stress, it's what's for dinner.

Before work today I went to look at an apartment as I am thinking of moving. The apartment was adorable if tiny. That is until I turned around to inspect the kitchen. I had to do a double take and that's when I realized there was no stove. There was a fridge, plenty of cabinets, the works. When I asked if they were going to install one the woman laughed, said no, and then said that I could get a hot plate. Who the fuck builds an apartment with no stove BUT includes a fireplace? For a brief second of insanity, I considered it, as well, I could install a spit and really enjoy rotisserie chicken.

One day I will live in a city wherein you don't have to make 250k to live in a one bedroom. It's a magical place I dream of, with plentiful and affordale housing, perhaps downwind of a cookie factory. One day...

Tuesday, October 16, 2007

I Knew It Would Happen One Day

Every morning, regardless of time I go to sleep or need to get up, I wake up at 6. Every fucking day. Sunday? Up at 6. This morning? Up at 6. I even took an ambien last night in hopes I would sleep past dawn. Didn't happen.

I am officially my grandpa.

Sunday, October 14, 2007

I Would Like Another Weekend, Please

This morning I was sitting on the couch and beginning my glorious day of doing nothing. One of the cats jumped up and we were cuddling when suddenly I noticed he had a bug on his head. Wait...two. Wait. MOTHERFUCKER HE HAS FLEAS. I immediately did the heebie jeebie dance and then began to deconstruct my entire apartment brick by brick.

I have washed everything not nailed down, steam cleaned the carpets and furniture (including the mattress), washed the cats (twice) and then sprayed. And yet? I feel like I could be doing more. Like tracking down the source of the fleas and punching them in the face repeatedly and then making them go to work for me tomorrow so I can finally relax. I honestly have no idea how they got fleas. They are indoor cats soley, I vaccuum obsessively as I am obsessed with my vaccuum and well, I have no third option. Basically, I am mind boggled, and totally 100% skeeved out.

So that was my day. And yesterday I bought a car. Whee. Because that experience is often totally fun, not at all time consumming and just a pleasure all around. We shopped from 9AM until 7PM. I finally returned to the first place we went and bought the first car I had seen. I'm a gem. And the proud owner of a car that doesn't get roughly 2 miles to a gallon like the old SUV.

Excuse me, I have to go get everything I own out of the dryer. Including my drapes.

Tuesday, October 09, 2007


I just put an apple pie in the oven. When making said pie I accidentally zested my finger. It hurt. I would recommend not doing this, especially if you don't at first realize that you broke the skin and the squeeze juice from a lemon, and said juice gets into the cut. Damn you lemons! This better be one kick ass pie.

Oh and does anyone find it odd that I am making a pie while watching The Biggest Loser? No? Just me? Fantastic.

Carry on.

Sunday, October 07, 2007

Apple Picking

Yesterday I went apple picking. When I told people I was going their first response was 'What, in California?' My response was yes, apparently they do that here as well. And while it wasn't the same as upstate New York, it was awesome. Especially since the apple farm was in CA, they made it into Apple Picker's Disneyland.

See in NY, and I'm assuming most eastern states, you go to an orchard, you buy a basket, put apples in it and go home. Here? There were colonial costumes, roping contests, hay rides and just a general sense of production. Adding to this was the fact that it was insanely crowded with people hoping for a day of normalcy and country (yours truly included), but these assholes apparently didn't know orchards have dirt. My favorite was the chick in a full pants suit with a look of disgust as she clutched her apple basket and tried not to get her loafers dirty. My second favorite? The girl in 4 inch heels trying oh so hard to stay upright and not go ass over head down a hill. It brought joy to my black heart.

I was going to include pictures but Blogger hates my mac with a fiery burning passion, ergo, I will have to add them later when I can commandeer a PC. Rock. Feel free to wait with baited breath.

Friday, October 05, 2007

What I Do With My Time

A conversation I had today via email with a friend:

Her: What r your feelings on Dane Cook?

Me: I go back and forth on him. Sometimes I think he's funny but most of the time I want to punch him in the face. He's hot though in a 'he's totally gonna give me a VD' way.

Her: HAHAHAHA. Herpes? Or maybe something ickier?... But is anything really as icky as Herpes?

Me: I wouldn't narrow it down to just one VD to be honest. He's probably got a series, so it's all itchin' and burnin' all the time.

Her: Who did he date? I dont remember.... Wasnt he linked to someone?

Me: Jessica Simpson

Her: Oh right! ... Well, she's a dirty, stupid ho so it would not surprise me if she gave him the clap. OR, better yet, he gave HER something and she was all "what's that pretty red tint in my cooch?" (I'm gross.)

Me: I am a font of celebrity knowledge, it's sick really... I'm sure they traded off VDs as she's also bumped uglies with Johnny Knoxville, who is in the dictionary under 'infectious genital ailments'

Her: I read that whilst I sipped my Dr. Pepper and proceeded to snort it up my nose when I began to laugh.

Me: Oops? That's gotta burn. Much like the privates of one Johnny Knoxville. See what I did there? I brought it full circle. It's called comedy.

Thursday, October 04, 2007

Ok...1 more thing

Apparently I duplicated one of my 100 things, so here's a new #94:

94) I eat candy bars very oddly. I peel off all the chocolate with my teeth and then eat the inside. York Peppermint Patties taste the best when eaten this way. Oh and went eating a Certs I eat the white outer circle first then the small inner circle of breath minty goodness. I don't eat candy often, and never in public. People stare...learned that one the hard way.

I was going to do a little photo exhibit of the Peppermint Patty in stages but A) I left it at work and B) The camera is like way over there and it would require getting off the couch.

Monday, October 01, 2007

The Final 10 Things

Alright, let's finish this bastard of a list up:

91) I'm afraid of the dark. Seriously. When alone I have to at least fall asleep with the TV on because if it's totally dark I panic.
92) I've seen a ghost. I was 8 and falling asleep in bed. I looked in the hallway and there was an old woman I had never seen staring at me. She waved and I waved back, then the phone rang and she dissappeared. The phone was ringing to tell us that my great grandma had passed away about an hour before. When I was showed a picture of my great grandma it was the woman from the hallway.
93) I was raised by a very practical woman. This practical and structured upbringing fights with my flighty nature. Without this upbringing I would currently, more than likely, be in Thailand teaching yoga or on a ranch with 100 pets. It's a constant struggle to find a balance between the two. I haven't yet.
94) I'm a horrible loser. I get pissed, I pout and swear that the other person cheated. This is why the game Monopoly has been banned from my house.
95) I can curse, fluently, in Italian and French. The rest of those two languages are gone from memory.
96) I curse way too much, especially when nervous. I am trying to curb this but it's a really hard habit to break.
97) I am half Polish, half German with a teeny pinch of Irish. Ergo, I am pale.
98) My brother and I look alike. This is weird because neither of us look like our mother and we have different fathers.
99) I am a big chicken, which is has been well covered. But, I used to be a big Buffy fan (geek flag, it's a'wavin') and it scared the crap out of me. I also love to read older horror novels like Dracula and Frankenstein.
100) Small teeth creep me out. Crooked, discolored, etc I am fine with. But small? They give me the wiggins.