Wednesday, December 31, 2008

Happy New Year, Bitches

I don't know about you but I am doing a jig of glee. I am ready to slam the door shut, bolt it and wire it with explosives on 2008. This year brought heartbreak, a cancer scare and many other atrocities such as my hair dresser moving away. Sigh. But I have soldiered on and thus plan to ring in the New Year just like baby Jesus intended: in a bar with lots of vodka.

I wish you a happy New Year with this: may you find happiness, good health, good luck and a bartender that pours a strong drink.

Yee fucking haw. Don't let me down 2009, I've got my eye on you.

Tuesday, December 30, 2008

The Claw

I have many, many addictions in life. One of those is the claw machine. Here's the deal, I kick ass at them. No really. It's rare I walk away without a prize. This addiction however proved to me and my family that I should not be allowed in public.

We had just eaten lunch at a chain restaurant in Phoenix and were headed out when we spotted the game. I immediately reverted into a ten year old, hopped up and down then demanded quarters from my mother. With a dollar in change my brother and I hit up The Claw (oh yeah, I totally pulled him into my shenanigans). Two minutes later we had each won. My mom got caught up in the fever and fed me more change as I tried to win the matching gingerbread man. This is when things went awry. I was just about to grab it when a Sponge Bob toy shifted and totally cock blocked me. Forgetting where I was I shouted out, very loudly 'Sponge Bob fucked my shit up!'. This is when my mom gasped, cleared her throat and pointed to the family of 4 standing slightly behind me with their mouths agape.

I backed away from the machine, raised my chin with pride and muttered 'well, he did' because I am mature. Then I took my reindeer toy and went home. Sadly I don't think we can ever eat there again, which would be ok as the food sucks, but that's a damn fine claw machine.

Sunday, December 28, 2008

Home Again Home Again Jiggity Jig

I am back in La La Land and remarkably happy about this. Here I have a comfortable bed, kittens and don't have to hear my mom say things like 'lubed up'.


The context of this was during dinner. We had all been drinking a little (or a lot) and I dropped butter in my lap. I drunkenly said 'oh man, I have butter on my crotch.' My mom literally lost her shit and laughed for a good 30 minutes. Later I asked her what was so funny exactly, perhaps the use of the worst word in the English language, crotch? She said no. It was the thought of 'well at least she's all lubed up!'.

Doesn't this explain so much about me? I think it does.

Side note, boys suck. You knew this however. But just a note to the fellas out there ( namely Chuck and GamerBri as I don't think there are any other dudes actively reading this here little blog) but, if you are not in a 'relationship-y' place, perhaps you should tell a girl this before bedding her and leaving her with 2 GIANT hickeys 20 minutes before her drive back home for the holidays. Just consider this a tip from me to you as it will prevent anyone from going white girl crazy on you and/or hating you from afar. On the plus side, I own many scarves and turtle necks so it all worked out ok.

Tuesday, December 23, 2008

They Grow Up So Fast

Yesterday my 15 year old brother and I were sitting around and listening to music. I played him a song by Amos Lee (The Arms of a Woman, seriously, go check it out, it will change your life). He nodded along to the music and after the song ended we had this conversation:

M: Pretty, huh?

H: Yeah... not as good as the song I just wrote though.

M: Oh yeah? What's it called?

H: All the Ho's in the House Get Crunked.

And then I my head exploded. So to get him back I chased him into the living room, pinned him down and made me look at my GIANT hickey (oh, did I not mention that?). Apparently when seeing my hickey he freaks out and his soul melts as it reminds him that his sister is A) possibly a ho and B) a person outside of the awesome sister role. After I figured his soul was completely dead I let him go and then ate a cookie.

This is how we celebrate Christmas in my house. It's a love fest kids.

Monday, December 22, 2008

Holiday Fun Times

Dudes, I have been blog slacking. My sincerest apologies. I was distracted by things, shiny things mostly, and thus forgot about this here little blog. However, I am now home for Christmas and am very, very bored. I love my home and my family, however it's not exactly action packed. It is the opposite of as a matter of fact. It's akin to watching paint dry. Really boring paint, not the glitter kind.

I tried to up the action tally by taking up jogging but discovered that jogging is really very boring. I don't know what exactly gave me the idea that it would be fun and a good way to clear my head, but all I can say is: no, it is not a good idea. Also the only 'thinking' I got done whilst jogging was 'ok, so this isn't hard... but sweet christ is it dull. With the up and down and doing nothing, I don't get it'. Literally that's all I thought for 15 minutes, so I then turned around, went home and went to sleep. I live on the edge.

Also keeping me occupied here, besides the never ending parade of pajama pants and cookies, is the fact that today I get to engage in some super fun times... online traffic school. That means for 6 hours I get to stare at my computer and answer such thought provoking questions such as 'what does a stop sign mean?' I was tempted to say 'hit the children in the cross walk' but decided against it. If you think I am kidding they also asked me 'what color is your hair'. Yeah. This is certified by the LA Superior Court. I think they basically look at Britney Spears, figure out what level of question she can answer and then up it a single notch. I could take this test drunk. Wait. That gives me an idea. I think it's time to break into the holiday vodka preserve. This party is about to get started. Buckle up.

Wednesday, December 17, 2008

Why Not to Shop When Sick

Yesterday I knew I had to drag my sick, sorry ass to work. I had the Important Adult Meetings wherein I would have to A) be in the office and B) not wear my snowman pajama pants. To do this there was only one solution: copious amounts of over the counter drugs.Ergo, I had an adventure in Target-land.

I went to Target with one intention and one intention only: procure drugs, ingest, leave. I stepped in and totally forgot that. Instead, internet, I tried on dresses. For an hour. Then I meandered around the store trying to recall my original intention for going. I know! I'll buy tuna! (side note, never in my life have I purchased tuna and I don't eat it, hate it in fact) I grabbed a can of tuna and thought, no, that can't be it. But, I'll buy it just in case. Then I wandered around some more and bought the following: plastic bags, a USB cable, a pair of gloves, 2 cans of tuna and a single Christmas card. I figured with this vast array of stuff I couldn't have possibly forgotten what I had originally come into the store for, right? I checked out and went to work, proud of myself for figuring out my Target needs.

Then about 10 minutes later I feel asleep on my desk. It was only after waking that I realized I was far too sick to be in the office and I had forgotten the Very Important Staying Awake Drugs. Also, that I was very late to work and napping on my desk is uncomfortable.

So let this be a lesson to you: if you must shop when ill, bring a list. Oh and don't try on clothes, because it will make you sad you aren't in pajama pants.

Monday, December 15, 2008


I have a cold. Due to this fact I am acting like a petulant four year old and unable to blog. Instead I am Vapo rubbing my feet and bemoaning my state. I am a joy to be around, I assure you. Being as I slept 18 hours yesterday I am a wee bit better today and should be fully recovered by tomorrow (at least that's what I keep telling my body). Just know this, it's raining in Los Angeles and has been for the last 12 hours. All that can mean is the end is close. Kiss your loved ones.

Sunday, December 14, 2008

because I am obsessed

I am writing this from my new ipod touch. And now you know where I've been all weekend... Crouched over my new obsession like gollum with a fucking ring. And I don't care. I am in love with it and am shouting it loud and proud. I've also been yelling at it to be a phone but I apologized when I sobered up. It's made our love stronger.

Friday, December 12, 2008


Internet, I am the inebriated. This is the way a half birthday celebration should be. Tomorrow is my office holiday party. There will be a martini luge. If you need Liz or I, look for the luge. We'll be the ones slightly to the left. With the empty glasses.

Thursday, December 11, 2008

Because I Can

Today is my half birthday. I have decided that this year, at the age of 28, I am going to start celebrating this. Solely because then it gives me an excuse to sit around in my underpants and eat cake. If anyone dares to judge I will simple raise my middle finger and tell them that it's my birthday, I'll eat cake if I want to. I am hoping the half birthday idea catches on because then people will buy me presents. Specifically vodka. Or a real tiara. Regardless though, I am officially 28 and a half. Woo.

I am ready for my cake now.

Monday, December 08, 2008

The Greatest Gift of All

The best part of December are all the weird gifts I get from companies I work with. Generally there is no rhyme or reason and more often than not it's food. I once got a really large knit hat and that was the closest I got to anything that could be considered seasonal. However, today I got the greatest gift EVER. It's an old school metal lunch box and inside is the following: a coffee mug, fancy hot chocolate and... wait for it... peppermint Schnapps. Now I'm a festive alcoholic on the go!

It's like they looked into my soul and picked the perfect gift. Now all the need to do is send me a pony and I'll name my first born after them.

Sunday, December 07, 2008

The Weekend: A Recap

- On Friday I went to Liz's house for girl's night. A friend of hers came over to join... and so we could wrap her in duct tape. As you know I have something of a sordid history with duct tape so I was a little bit weary. But, luckily she didn't want to put the tape on her bare breasts as she is far smarter than I. Instead she put on a tee shirt, covered her neck in Saran wrap and then had us wrap her up. Yep. The reason she did this is that she read in a book that this is the way to make a homemade dress form. It also makes for an awesome photo session. You really haven't lived until you see a French woman in a mini dress made entirely of duct tape, dancing and drinking wine. By the way the duct tape thing totally worked AND it didn't tear off her nipples. Again, far, far smarter than I.

- Saturday I went to a friend's 30th birthday party. I got to eat cupcakes and play air hockey, ergo it was awesome. Here's the deal with me, I am really awesome at air hockey. Really awesome. This may be due to the fact that I am insanely over the top competitive. The friend I challenged did not realize how seriously I take my air hockey. This was a grave mistake on her part and I think she may be afraid of me, officially. However, I totally won. Yay me. Also, cupcakes rule.

- And finally, today I got to see White Christmas on the big screen at a special screening downtown. If you ever have a chance to do this I fully recommend it. But try not to sit next to me as I squeal like a big ol' girl who loves her some Christmas movies.

Thursday, December 04, 2008

That Was Interesting

Today I was so tired I forgot the word 'email'. I kept calling it an IM which really and truly confused the person I was trying to speak to. We mostly just stared at each other until I was like, 'you know, the one you send? With the words?'

Good times.

Apparently I need more than 2 hours of sleep. Who knew?


Internet it is 2AM and I just got home. Being as I have to get up in oh, 4.5 hours I decided it was a good idea to not sleep and instead tell you about my life. I am incredibly responsible like that.

Tonight I went to a club on Sunset to listen to a friend's brother's band play. Generally I avoid Sunset as I am a giant nerd and they don't like my kind. I wear jeans and Chuck Taylor's. Sunset likes girls who wear spandex and giant heels. However, this weird little club was Nerd City, USA, and so I blended. I also drank many beers which helped the blending in and well, beer tastes good and it makes the cold outside more tolerable. You see it was in the 50's and in LA we categorize that as 'arctic'. Ergo I am a smidgen drunk at 2AM on a Wednesday, but I am toasty warm. Excellent trade off says me. And again, incredibly responsible. I can't stress that enough.

Before I went to the club to drink of the beers and listen to the music I went to acupuncture. This time was a wee bit different as she put needles in no no places. I am here to tell you there is nothing more awkward than having a slight Polish woman prod your pubic bone and then put needles in your bathing suit area. NOTHING. I could walk down Melrose naked and the acupuncture would still win the awkward award. However, the needles made me feel better, so again, excellent trade. Now if she only served beer in her office the night would have truly come full circle and I would have an appropriate way to end this blog. But she doesn't and she discourages beer drinking in general, so all I can say is yay music, yay needles in uncomfortable places and yay sleep which I will hopefully soon do.

Monday, December 01, 2008

Taggin' It Up

Dudes, I am having a Very Bad Day. I finally got word from the PoPo and my minor traffic ticket? 400 fucking dollars. Ergo, I am moving to a cabin in the woods, somewhere far far away, where I will hole up with a Tivo and my cats. Or, drink too much wine and cry at sappy movies. Toss up really. Until then, let's enjoy a survey as I've been tagged by Ms. Amanda.

Your Time Starts Now...

My earliest memory is... ok, so we are starting this on a depressing note but go with it. My earliest memory is the day of my father's funeral. I was 5 and played flying nun with my friend Lisa and our Cabbage Patch dolls. Then my grandma read me a book that explained death to me. Until that point I thought death was akin to a business trip wherein you got to wear suits, carry a briefcase and fly on airplanes. I like my version of death much better.

At school I... was a giant, giant nerd. Seriously. I wore overalls and had bangs.

My first relationship was...well my first 'boyfriend' was Shelby. We were 5 and he kissed me. Play on Playa.

I don't like talking about... ok, I've been staring at this question for 5 minutes and have failed to come up with an answer. I was going to put 'communists' and leave it at that. But, I like to talk and no topic is off limits. I know you are all incredibly shocked.

My mother always told me... to never get married and just take a lover instead.

I wish I had... a jet pack.

I wish I hadn't... eaten so much this weekend. My pants are remarkably tight.

My most humiliating moment was... oh, I have many of these. I fall. A lot. I walk into things. I would say maybe, when I was 10 or so, we were all on a houseboat and there was a deer on the mountain we were parked at. I ran in to the 'house' to get lettuce and someone closed the glass sliding door behind me. I ran full force into it, in front of my entire family and my 10 year old crush, resulting in a broken bowl and a concussion.

My happiest moments were... I have a lot of happy moments but the happiest I've ever been was living in Rome. There is a lot of pasta in Rome. You do the math.

At home I cook... often. I am secretly a 1950's housewife.

My last meal would be... So.Much.Pasta. And wine.

I'm very bad at... math. All math I have ever learned has been replaced by celebrity gossip in my brain.

When I was a child I wanted to be... a doctor.

The book that changed my life is... See, to a nerd like me this is like Sophie's Choice. I can't choose just one. Just know that if you ever meet me and ask 'what's your favorite book' you should probably bring a chair because I will bore you with book titles for about 2 hours. I like words.

It's not fashionable, but I love... Martha Stewart. There. I said it.

The song I'd like played at my funeral is... Hit the Road Jack.

Friends say I am... busty.

My greatest fear is... answering very private questions on the internet. Ok, here's a real answer, my biggest fear is never finding love again. Yep. I just dropped a whole mess of girly emotions on you. Just dab it with hot water and soap and it will come right out.

If only I could... go back in time and invent velcro. Then instead of doing surveys on the internet during my lunch break I would be flying to Sweden on my private plane.

The hardest thing I've ever done was... walked away from a relationship that wasn't right.

The last big belly laugh I had was... I laugh very easily but you know you've got me when I am doing the silent, shaking laugh thing.

What I don't find amusing is... George W. Bush

I'm always being asked... 'Do you do stand up?' or 'Do you have change for a dollar'

Cat or dog... really? Do I need to actually answer this or will showing you the 80,000 pictures of my cats suffice?

If I wasn't me I'd like to be... Tina Fey

At the moment I'm reading... Satanic Verses

My favorite work of art is...Starry Starry Night

My worst job was... Working at a Victoria Secrets in a mall right next to a retirement community. There were boobs. They were old.

I often wonder... if Madonna's arms can get any scarier looking