Thursday, July 31, 2008

An Open Letter

Dear July,

You suck. Seriously. The gloves are off dude. No fancy funny prose about how much you sucked, just some cold brutal truth. I, for one, an intensely glad that in 1 hour and 6 minutes (PST) you are over. You brought heart break and weird medical diagnosis's about having no 'blood in my blood' and just general malcontent for every person I know. However, you did go out with a bang and by that I mean with key lime pie martinis, 2 of 'em, and a free tasty shot. So thanks for that. The rest of it however can suck it. Hard.

Don't let the door hit you where the good lord split you,

Tuesday, July 29, 2008

Holy ShitBalls!

The earth, it was a'shakin'!

Dudes, there was an earthquake, perhaps you have heard. I have since discovered that I do not, in fact, like earthquakes. Especially when in my all glass office high, high up in the air. Everyone in my office evacuated except for me, yours truly, who stood in the middle of her office then checked facebook. Hey, I have my priorities straight. I then wandered into my completely empty office and thought that perhaps I should leave the violently rocking high rise as well.

After leaving the GIANT SWAYING BUILDING I decided to go home and check on the cats. Cat #1 was fine and wondering what all the fuss was about. Cat #2 however was laying on the floor, wrapped around a vodka bottle and wondering how to open it without thumbs. I calmed him down and then made him a vodka tonic as I am very compassionate. Then I went back to the office to check facebook again. Within 20 seconds of the earthquake hitting everyone had updated their status. In fact I updated mine during the first 10 seconds of the quake. Again, I have my priorities straight.

Today has left me a bit shaken (pun totally intended) and I have fallen out of love with LA. The earth moves, and not in the wonderful double entendre kind of way. Stupid Teutonic plates.

Lamest Injury Ever

Did you know that you can get hurt playing golf? Because you can. I am basically a T. Rex as I can't unbend my arms. Apparently I am so out of shape that a sport played by my 85 year old grandfather has felled me. It's super awesome being veal.

On the plus side I now own a golf glove (scented with aloe, because nothing says sexy like 1 very fragrant hand) and a club. Also, at the driving range I didn't hit anyone with the balls AND the club stayed in my hands instead of comically flying out which I imagined it doing. Sure, I did hit a ball straight up in the air and had to duck as it came flying towards my head, but it missed me and I think that counts for something.

As soon as I can move my arms I fully intend on doing it again. Why? Because you get to hit shit AND wear fancy accessories. These are two of my favorite things.

Sunday, July 27, 2008

A Scene From the Day

Me, driving home from seeing Batman on the phone with Liz.

Me: It was awesome. And Matthew Perry was there.

Liz: That's the one from Friends, right?

Me: (30 second pause) Yes. Please tell me you watched Friends. It was Chanadeler Bong!

Liz: I did. I am just bad with the names.

Me: Ah yes, I remember now. Phew, we can remain friends.

Liz: Good. What are you doing now?

Me: Headed home. I plan on meditating on my motherfucking sadness.

Liz: I love it when you curse.

Me: Because it's like seeing Snow White do a line of blow?

Liz: Pretty much. You should curse more.

Me: Perhaps I will do that after the motherfucking meditation.

Liz: Yay!

And then I went home and thought long and hard about how I have been advised by 4 people to meditate on my sadness and how this would help me to heal. Then I had cookie and watched Gilmore Girls instead. I think I made the right choice.

Thursday, July 24, 2008

An Open Letter

Dear Work,

Why must you try to kill me with the events? Today we had a 6 hour meeting. 6 hours of being forced to sit and talk and pretend to be an adult. It was stressful to say the least. Do you not think that is enough? Apparently not as afterwards we had to go to dinner. And drinks. And finally at 10:35PM I was allowed to go home. Work, I like my home. The cats are there and there is a no pants rule. In public, and especially at work events, I must wear the pants. You see why I am in a rush to get home. Tomorrow there are 2 more events. Two. T-W-O. On a Friday.I will suck it up, smile and be charming as long as you promise that after this we hold on the events for awhile. Perhaps a few weeks, minimum. This will give me some time to catch up on the Pants Free Home Livin' as well as heal up from all the stress as of late. And I need to heal. Burn my healing candle, drink too much, whatnot. Thanks work, you're a champ.

Hugs and Kisses,

Wednesday, July 23, 2008

I Paid Someone to Punch Me in the Leg

Tonight a friend and I went to a new reflexology place. For about the first 55 minutes of my session I contemplated driving home, getting my cats and a pillow and then setting up permanent residence inside the studio. This was until the dude started punching me in the leg. Hard. And repeatedly. I understand this was supposed to 'feel good' but how in God's name is getting punched in the leg in the same class as massage? I don't think this was actually part of any technique. It was more part of the 'will blissed out white girl complain?'... I did not. I let the guy punch me in the leg and then I tipped him. It's what I do. The best part is a few weeks ago I was diagnosed with extreme anemia. If a fly lands on me I bruise. So methinks that tomorrow I am going to look like I was in a bar fight with a midget. I plan on wearing a skirt and telling people that is exactly what happened. It's a far better story than 'I got punched in the leg and then tipped him'.

The thing is the rest of it was so amazing and I plan on going back. Often. Except next time if the dude goes to punch me I'm going to strike first and run out as fast as my bruised legs can carry me.

Monday, July 21, 2008

Today was a Weird Day

Today I explored both sides of my personality: Connecticut wasp and fucking crazy hippie.

I did this by signing up for golf lessons with Liz and then immediately going out for dinner with a friend wherein we discussed my recent astrology reading and my need to cleanse my aura. Yeah. Totally happened. And by the way, I find the golf lessons the weirdest development. But, this brings me one step closer to pale and I get to buy a plaid skirt, so I am ok with it.

I think LA is the place for me and my oddness at the moment. I believe this because when meeting with other Angelinos and telling them that not only have I had a recent astrology reading but that yesterday I went to a psychic who did my tarot cards they all asked where they could find this person and did they have a business card. When I tell people from New York they hang up the phone. This is a slight difference between the coasts.

Now excuse me while I go burn my healing candle (low, low price of $15.95) and research golf outfits.

Now THAT Was a Week

Sera has headed back to New York. In her wake she has left a thoroughly exhausted me. I had a ridiculous amount of fun, drank and purchased far too much wine and am now trying to figure out how it's already over. So now, some pictures as my brain is all melty from the driving and activity thus making it difficult to put together words.

The grounds at Pine Ridge Vineyards. So pretty. Which is good as I spent all my money there and it's nice to have a good view when you are handing over your savings for a bottle of wine. (I'm VERY responsible)

Highway 1 is awesome. And windy.

And... there would be more but blogger is being a douche and I can't upload them. Just know that near Big Sur there was a squirrel out for my blood and I got pictures of it.

Wednesday, July 16, 2008

A Scene From the Day

At a Jiffy Lube type establishment getting my oil changed before tomorrow's road trip

Guy: Is this a turbo?

Me: No idea. I put the key in and it goes.

Guy: Does it require synthetic oil?

Me: No idea. I put the key in and it goes.

Guy: (Opening mouth to ask next question)

Me: Seriously dude, it will just be wasted breath. This is what I know about cars: mine has 4 doors and that thing in the middle of the steering wheel makes the horn honk.

Guy nods and moves on realizing that I am in no way joking or exaggerating.

Sera and I then celebrated my vast knowledge of cars and new (synthetic) oil over lunch with wine.

Tuesday, July 15, 2008

No Fun

Right now I am no fun. I can fully admit this all loud and proud. I can however not make the funny come. Usually when I am sad it makes me funnier (please see original blog and the horrible break up resulting in the many bad, but very funny, dates). This time... I don't know. I just kind of feel drained. This may be due to all the tears but I think I am just in need of a bit of an escape. My dream right now is to take a month off, rent a cabin in the woods and just chill out. Cook, hang with the cats and just be. No schedules, no plans, no pressure. Unfortunately as I have bills and am an adult (who is forced to wear pants ALL THE TIME) this can't happen right now. I am trying to break on through to the other side and whatnot. Trying to get past the sadness but thus far my attempts have resulted in me being fine until I shoot wide awake at either 3 or 5AM and then it hits me. Hard. This results in coworkers saying 'wow, you look tired' and resulting in more sadness. Vicious cycles are super awesome. I just wanted to put that out there, get it off my chest if you will. Hopefully I'll be back in fighting form very, very soon. But man, these last oh 4 years? Have been rough. And it finally all just caught up with me.

Monday, July 14, 2008

Dude, I Totally Got to Go on the Field

On Saturday I went to a Dodgers game. I love baseball for many, many reasons but one of the main reasons that it's basically an excuse to eat food I normally pass up and drink beer outside. The Saturday night game at Dodger's stadium came with the added benefit of fireworks. As I am a 3 year old and impressed with shiny things and lights, I needed to see them. Especially since this last 4th of July I was sick and working (good times). So to the game I went. While there I enjoyed the fact that Los Angeles Dodger's 'fans' aren't actually fans of baseball. They are instead fans of hitting around inflatable balls and drinking. I knew I loved this town for a reason. The non watching of the game aspect of the night kind of annoyed Sera, who actually watched and paid attention, but I was happy to sit back, drink a beer and watch people get beaned in the head by plastic balls. This is hilarity at it's finest, I assure you.

After the game was over (we lost, I was later told) we sat back to enjoy the fireworks. That's when they announced that our section got to go sit on the field. Let's repeat that, I got to go sit on the field at Dodger's Stadium. Drunk. And watch fireworks. And this is why Saturday was one of the best yet most surreal nights I have had in a long, long time.

What the Stadium looks like from the field:

Beer with a straw. Because I roll classy:

Thursday, July 10, 2008

And She's Back

I have recovered successfully from the nerd flu. This of course means I am back in the office and working away. Can I just say I prefer working from home? And here's why: less pants, more Oprah. Which I believe may be my new slogan in life. And perhaps my tag line if I ever run for office.

Today was a good day. Why, you may ask, was it good when you had to wear pants and interact with people that aren't your cats? Today was good because I found out that on Monday Sera and I get to go watch a live taping of So You Think You Can Dance. Oh yeah, I said it. At first I didn't think I could take the time off work. I reconsidered when I felt Sera's wrath shooting at me from across the country. I think her head actually spun around. I then discussed with my boss the fact that my friend will murder me in my sleep if I didn't go with her, so taking half a day off is actually in his favor as he doesn't know my computer password. He agreed and thus I get to leave work early and then go stand in line for 4 hours in hopes that I get to watch people dance. AND I CAN NOT WAIT.

We have many, many other adventures planned for her trip out here. There may be drunken updates. Consider yourself warned.

Monday, July 07, 2008

Nerd Flu

I have the Nerd Flu. This is because it is a cold caused by utter lameness. You see, I had to work an event allllll weekend. This means I didn't get my patented 'sitting on the couch' time. I also had to interact with the general public. Ergo, I am now crazy sick. And so is my assistant. On the plus side due to the Nerd Flu I have gotten to work from home so as to not infect others. Working in ones underpants is significantly more preferable to having to dress like a grown up.

There will be more later when my brain is less woozy. It's like being drunk, but cheaper and less fun. Stupid nerd flu.

Tuesday, July 01, 2008

Well Hello

Excuse me if words are misspelled. I am the drunken. I just had a fabulous evening with my senior year prom date wherein we discussed our impending 10 year reunion over far too much wine. He will be my date, yet again, as we are the only 2 unmarried souls in our very Whiskey Tango reunion. We will cling to each other and do shots, as we are classy and apparently, un-dateable.

I have recently had my heart bruised by a boy. As such, I have declared wine a moral imperative. I tell you, this whole dating thing? Fucking bullshit. I tend to be a very open and honest person, as such I get hurt more easily. And I am tired of it. Tired of putting myself out there only to have my heart trampled and stomped open. I feel run over. Not cool, dude, not cool at all. Thusly, I will drink of the wine and celebrate with my friends. We will cheers to life and the chance of love, but ultimately happiness, in whatever form it comes. Until then I will hold out hope, cause a scene, make fun of idiots and generally find the humor in day to day life.

Men..UCK. I need some sanity. And perhaps another glass of Cab.

MMM Wine

I have planned a (mini) vacation and I am very, very excited. I am getting in my car, pointing it north and not stopping until I hit wine. Multiple times. I am also making Sera go with me. This means it will get messy and drunken and more than likely result in hugging. And I for one can not wait. I get to drink wine and eat good food with one of my favorite people on the planet. And I also don't have to be in the office for 3 whole wonderful days. I may even leave my blackberry 'accidentally' at home. Oh yeah, sure I'll feel like I've lost a limb, but it's going to happen.

I still would like to plan a tropical vacation for the fall but this is a good start. Now I just have to stare at my calendar and urge it to speed up. I'm sure that will work.