Thursday, June 28, 2007


Today while walking home from work I got distracted by something shiny and walked into a cactus. It hurt.

Nothing but skill and grace 100% of the time.

More to come shortly, namely about how I saw Jack Black at a black tie event wearing a tee shirt with a giant dinosaur on it and doing a back flip. Ah LA.

Thursday, June 21, 2007

It Boggles the Mind

Today a friend and I were chatting online about television. She mentioned that The Office, the greatest show in the history of the world, finished in roughly 68th position in the ratings. Really? No, really America? This show finished 68th but Are You Smarter than a Sixth Grader finished in 30th. Oh and The Bachelor finished in like 50th. THE BACHELOR.

Here's the thing, I am totally guilty. I watched The Bachelor. BUT, I have a defense: my arch nemesis from high school was on it. Have I not mentioned that? Oh yeah, she was on it and she made a complete ass of herself. It did my black heart good. So good in fact I went on Myspace and found a few select people from my graduating class. My email to them went something like this:

Hi- we haven't spoken since 1998, but I feel you should know that XXXX is on The Bachelor. Yeah. She is. AND SHE SINGS.


Not only did this get me back in touch with a few people but it helped pave my path to hell. Thanks ABC!

Tuesday, June 19, 2007

The Gift That Keeps on Giving

Some of you may remember my trip to the illustrious Oxnard Strawberry Festival. Well, it's the gift that keeps on giving. Herein lies the rub, at the festival we bought roughly 97 lbs of strawberries. The vast majority of these berries were consumed in pie form almost immediately. The rest were slowly eaten. Finally we were down to one small container of roughly 5 berries. I deemed them spoiled and threw them down the garbage disposal. Apparently one of these berries carried fruit flies. The section of berry that had the fruit flies decided not to grind in the disposal and thus BOOM, a hundred million fruit flies appeared in about 4 days. It's AWESOME.

I now spend roughly an hour a day running back and forth and Mr. Miagi-ing the shit out of those little fuckers. If you were to stand outside my window you were hear the following: running footsteps, loud clap, 'AH HA! One more down, bitches!" The carnage I have left behind would make George Bush proud. But alas, it's not enough. Somehow one hides and lives through the night only to call all of his friends over to party in my disposal. Or toothbrush. Every morning I wake up and find a new batch throwing a rager in various parts of my house. I have reached the end of my rope.

Today, after I boiled my toothbrush I cleaned the disposal. I also spent an hour jumping around and clapping like an asshole. My cats, well, they remain unimpressed. I need these little buggers out of my house but no one seems to know how to make this happen. The internet only recommends, well, moving. Oh and not having a garbage disposal, trash can or food in your house. I will not surrender, it's all out war. And I am keeping my garbage can.

On a side note to add a special touch to my week my cat has a respiratory infection and pink eye. As such, twice a day, I get to wrestle him to the ground and shoot medicine into his mouth. Oh, and stick goo in his eye. Because cats LOVE that. Who wouldn't? I am thinking of building my own chain mail suit as that is the only logical outfit to wear when you have to wrestle a 12 lb bag of fur and claws morning and night. My skin? It's scratched.

This week rocks. I need a hammock on a beach and a really, really big margarita. Oh and someone to come and get rid of those fruit flies, or I am burning the place down.

Tuesday, June 12, 2007

Birthday, a Recap

This birthday I discovered what heaven tastes like and that is the risotto ball at The Courtyard. Oh tasty fried ball of goodness, where have ye been all my life? They were next to the sangria conveniently.

Things I got for my 27th birthday:

1) a hang over
2) a slight weight gain due to copious amounts of tapas and wine. And cake. We can't forget the cake.
3) a new super short and shaggy hair cut that I think is rad
4) a pony
5) a helmet

Yes, you read that correctly. My friends all chipped in and wanted to buy me a bike. Unfortunately I am the only one with a big enough car that could transport said bike to a different location. As such they bought me a sassy pink bike helmet, a bike lock, and a gift card to go purchase a pink beach cruiser. My friends? Yeah, they're AWESOME. Had I not been a wee little bit tipsy I probably would have cried. Instead I tried on the helmet. Backwards. And then wore it proudly at the table. Luckily the restaurant was fairly empty and the waiters found me amusing. What can I say, I am nothing but class 100% of the time.

This birthday was fantastic. Between the boy and his sweetness and his trying to make it wonderful despite his horrible cold and my friends and their generosity and thoughtfulness I had one of the best birthdays of all time. And I have left over cake to boot!

Monday, June 11, 2007

It's My Birthday and I'll Whine if I Want To

Today I turned 27. Today also marked the 6th day of the worst insomnia in the history of the world. It's super awesome when you have the day off to relax and you wake up at 4:45AM. As I am not a farmer that's a bit early. I have watched the sunrise more times this past week than I have in my entire life. I shake my fist at you universe. Give me back my sleep!

This weekend I went to Disneyland, as I said before. It was, to quote my 12 year old self, super awesome. I finally ignored my chicken shit side and went on Space Mountain and Tower of Terror. I have never screamed so loudly in my life. The Tower picture even beats last month's Splash Mountain pic. In it every person is smiling, happy to be plummeting in an elevator. I, however, look as though I am sobbing and about 4 seconds away from death. It's truly fantastic. I think it may be this year's Christmas card. My brother is coming to town in a few weeks and I will be headed back to Disney. He also is something of a chicken but I am making him go on the Tower with me. I think I just won't tell him it's not scary. I am going straight to hell but at least I will go there with a picture of my brother screaming for mercy.

Oh and on a final note, the boy is the best. For my birthday he got me a stuffed pony AND a Kitchen Aid mixer. I just finished making my birthday cake and I am in love. I am running away with my mixer to make our love legal. Perhaps then I will be able to sleep.

Wednesday, June 06, 2007


Today, I admit, LA is lovely. It's actually perfect outside. I am of course stuck in my windowless little cubby, but I can see how lovely it is through the window in the hall. There is nothing I would rather do than go take a nap in the park. Right after I win the lottery.

As much as I bitch and whine about Los Angeles living I love the fact that roughly 360 days out of the year I wear flip flops. I have gone through 2 pairs since moving here and I love it. I even have flip flop tan marks on my feet. For those who know me you can only imagine how awesome this is as well, I am ass pale. Tan lines of any sort are cause for celebration. Tan lines give the illusion that I am in fact not made out of flour or related to the kid in that film Powder. I am sporting a healthy, almost resembling actual skin tone glow. And I like it.

Next Monday is my birthday, feel free to mark your calendars now. To celebrate a caravan of friends are heading with me to Disneyland this Saturday. While there I will consume more churros than humanly possible and more than likely make everyone wear mouse ears. Then on Monday I am taking the day off and lounging. I will bake my own birthday cake and then meet a group of friends at my favorite tapas place. This year if someone doesn't get me a pony, I'm gonna be pissed.

Sunday, June 03, 2007

Things I Don't Understand

This weekend was lovely, thank you very much. Saturday a friend of mine called with last minute, 9th row behind homeplate tickets to the Angels game. It was awesome. I can never sit in regular seats again. To begin with the seats were cushioned. seat service. We simply had to glance about and a lovely woman was at our side asking if we needed another beer. The only thing that could have made it better was if someone gave me a backrub whilst I enjoyed my baseball. Oh and if they Yankees were playing.

It was here that I encountered something that has boggled me for awhile and thus I add it to the list of Things I Do Not Understand. This thing? Chicks who wear high heels to a baseball game. Really? Why is this necessary? It's baseball! The game was meant to be watched while wearing jeans. Roughly 80% of the girls in my section were dressed like they were going to prom. Heels with jeans I could almost over look but heels with a mini skirt just makes me shake my head. I, the girliest girl around, want to throat punch them.

This brings me to another thing I saw that left me with my mouth agape. The fella and I went out for a classy lunch at the Soup Plantation. This is one of my favorite places in all of LA. Why? Because it's a salad bar with a sundae station. Come on! That's good times. The guy in front of me however made something that made me want to never return. Here I was, putting some lettuce on my plate, minding my own business when I smelled something odd. On his 'salad' plate were about 3 pieces of lettuce, a pile of peppers, a handful of jalapenos and he was adding pickles by the handful. He then covered it with cheese. Just when I thought it couldn't get any worse he smothered and I mean you couldn't see anything underneath, smothered the 'salad' with salsa. A) Why is salsa even an option at the salad bar and B) Ew. If it wasn't a dude I would assume he was pregnant. Perhaps he was. That was the only explanation I could come up with.

LA man, it's just odd. And covered with salsa.