Tuesday, February 15, 2011

Fresh Starts and New Beginnings

Kids, I need a fresh start. As such, I created one. I'm good like that.


That's me now. Go there. Read it. It's a whole new world.

Tuesday, May 04, 2010

Dating in Los Angeles

Ok, let's just say this upfront: Dating in LA sucks. Beyond sucks actually. If it just sucked it'd be normal levels. However this level of suck is akin to being stuck in a car with a group of strangers who are screaming while farting for 15 hours straight. And then at the end of the car trip you get punched in the faced and shiv'd. Yeah. Just about that level.

Sunday I had a date for drinks. Dude showed up in a dirty tee shirt and approximately 6 inches shorter than stated. If in fact you say you are 6 feet tall, be at least over 5'7. I towered over him which clearly made him angry. Date lasted for 1 drink and 1 drink only before we both ran outta there like our hair was on fire. Me more quickly as my legs are as long as his entire body.

Last week I had a great date. Great! He was cute and fun and we talked for hours. At the end of said date he asked me out again. I, being of moderately sound mind, said yes. We compared schedules and agreed to Wednesday with him saying that he'd also like to see me that weekend if possible. He made sure I put our date in my calendar and then we parted ways. We texted a bit the next day and then he had a friend in town so I knew he'd be busy. Yesterday I sent him a text saying hi and asking if we were still on. No word. Ah life... fun.

I was a bit bummed but whatever, right? So he wasn't as interested any more, c'est la vie. I then went home to get an email from a dude asking why I'd never returned his call. The reason was: I hadn't gotten the call. Apparently my phone is evil (wich I knew) and had been not notifying me of missed calls or voicemail. I immediately called the dude to apologize at which point he A) yelled at me and then B) told me that he prefers girls hot and stupid and while I had the hot part down was too smart to date. And then he hung up on me.

Internet, this is why I own cats.

Even though I've only been back out there for about a month or so I think I'm taking another break from the internet. Instead I'm going to go back to meeting boys the old fashioned way: drunk, in bars.

Monday, April 19, 2010


So... dating can bite me. Seriously. Especially in Los Angeles.

There was the dude who thinks cake is the devil (whereas I consider it one of the 4 major food groups). He also is terrified of bar soap. Let that one sink in. He told me about this and internet, I literally laughed in his face. I am a FANTASTIC dater. I mean when a grown man tells you that he can't keep soap in his house or look at it in a bar without feeling queasy can you really keep a straight face? No. Especially if you're me.

Then there was the Viking. We had a 7 hour long date wherein we laughed, talked, made out like 13 year olds hopped up on hormones, fought, cried and made up. Yeah. I KNOW. We then had a second date which was drama free and fun, followed by more making out like teenagers. And then he poof disappeared. Despite all of the you're amazing talk and the tongues in mouths not our own. So today I have been pouty about it. As dammit, he's a Viking and I tend to date, well, pussies. The fact of the matter is I am tired of the boys and I was all excited to find a man. A man full of drama, yes, but a man none the less.

Internet dating isn't working like it used to for me. Perhaps it's because I've now dated all of the men in Los Angeles. Perhaps it's because I'm nearing 30 at light speed and am now outside of a large portion of male dating age ranges. Who knows. I do however know I am sick of dating guys that are crazy, lame, or go poof into the night. I'm ready for the universe to deliver the dude I'm meant to be with in a bow. A manly bow, but a bow none the less. Is this too much to ask? I don't think so. Also, while I'm asking I would like a million dollars and a unicorn. But mostly the dude. (and the money, let's face facts here). (oh and some cake because I have a cold) (and maybe the unicorn afterall).

My astrologist who I spend money talking to because I'm mature adult told me to put it out into the universe that I'm ready. So universe, listen up. I'm tired of the not right dudes. I'm ready for the right one. And if he's Viking hot, well, that's just all the better.

Sunday, April 11, 2010

Well, Hello There

Apparently I have a blog that I kinda sorta forgot about. Oops? What can I say, I drink a lot.

The last few weeks of my life, they have been busy. So let's recap, all brief like and then I'll go back to regular scheduled programming with updates about my daily shenanigans.

- I went to Vegas. While there I encountered my uncle's new girlfriend who I believe is a former stripper. While at a club she decided she wanted to get to know our family a bit better and reached into my shirt and squeezed a boob. It was at that moment that my brain melted and oozed out my ears in a never before seen fashion. Dudes. It was Awkward. Possibly The Awkward. I do not know you but I wish upon you, internet strangers, that you never ever ever have to go through that. Ever. To erase that memory I ran a stress test of my liver and found a pretty boy. I make fantastic adult choices.

- I went with Ava to go skydiving but could not skydive due to a back injury from the car accident. I did however indoor skydive. It was FANTASTIC. It's like being in Charlie and the Chocolate Factory and soaring up to the ceiling. One of the ladies who did it however did not like the experience however and had a complete melt down in the chamber. Kicking, flipping around and screaming. Watching that really made the experience oh so much better. The comedy, it was high. I suggest you go do this immediately. I do not however suggest you get the photo package unless of course you like know what you look like with jowls. They are, hands down, the most horrible pictures of me ever taken. And that includes the one of me in a hammer pants suit with a perm. Yeah.

- Today I took a segway tour of Long Beach because apparently I'm not a big enough nerd in my day to day life. I fucking loved it. No joke. Oh how I wish I did not love segways, and yet, I do. In fact if asked if I wanted to buy a Vespa or a Segway at this moment I would say Segway. You can spin in place! As I'm essentially 4 years old I found that fantastic. I do not however suggest Segway'ing in the rain. It's cold. And wet. And if possible you look even less cool.

- I'm oddly addicted to The Twitter. I like to call it The Twitter to keep in line with what my mom calls it. But seriously, addicted. It's like 140 character crack. I'm sure I'll be over it in the coming weeks but right now, I can't get enough. So, while I have not been here, I have been updating my life on the interwebz on that forum.

- Internet dating. Yeah. Back out there. Went on a date with a dude who has not eaten a carb in 4 years for fear of gaining weight. FOUR. YEARS. I was tempted to ask if he had a vagina but somehow refrained. If that's what is available in LA well then, I'm going to go and get myself some more cats and a pile of dessert.

Ok kids, I'm spent. I'm off to San Francisco tomorrow for work. There will likely be few shenanigans but I can guarantee I will eat some bread in honor of LA.

Monday, March 22, 2010

So That Sucked

If you're following me on Twitter you know that I was in a car accident this weekend. The car accident was with an uninsured driver who hit me while I was turning out of my driveway. The saddest part of the story would be the fact that I was all dressed up and wearing really cute shoes. Really cute shoes that went to waste that night as I turned right around, went home, replaced fancy dress with pajama pants and drank a lot of wine. A LOT. I did that the next day but the wine was replaced with wine coolers as my friend came by to keep me company and boost my spirits....with Twilight: New Moon. Internet, it totally worked. That movie is fun when you're sitting in your underpants sippin' on some sweet Bartles and James.

Unfortunately during the accident I jacked my back up and have been in, how do you say it delicately, shit tons of fucking pain. Today I had to go to urgent care to have it checked out per request of my insurance company. Dudes, my doctor was a Russian midget. You CAN NOT make this shit up. You can also not make up the fact that he asked me to draw out my accident for him so that he could understand what happened better (I swear he was a cohort of Geico's). Apparently my drawing wasn't good. In fact apparently my drawing skills are that of a 3 year old with poor hand eye coordination. When a Russian midget says this to you while you are in pain, well, let's just say there was waving of the arms and not nice words. The midget clued in that I planned to squish him like a Triscuit and gave me a prescription for muscle relaxers. This brings us to my most fantastic discovery ever: I really like muscle relaxers.

I like them even better when I have a whole big bottle full and a plane ticket for Vegas in the morning. Wheeeeee!

Wednesday, March 17, 2010

Fantastic Life Decisions

On Monday I took a spinning class. On Monday, I injured myself at said spinning class. Let this full gravity of this sink in. I injured myself. On a stationary bike. I'll wait while you finishing laughing.

So there I am sweaty, cursing profusely and doing the part of class where you stand up on the bike and pedal real fast like. (For those of you who have never taken a spinning class, close your eyes and imagine hell. It's kind of like that except sweatier. ) Suddenly my right shoe comes unclipped and my whole body flings forward at warp speed right into the handle bar. It hurt. A lot. But because at my core I am the most competitive person in the history of the world I clipped my shoe back in and went back to pedaling. It was only after class that I was able to check out my leg and discover a welt the size of a baby's head. Well, a small baby, but still. The welt is now purple and green and I think really adds a certain touch of class to all of my outfits.

But let's really look at this. I got injured when dancing in Vegas. I got injured during physical therapy. I got injured on a motherfucking stationary bike. And yet? Next weekend I am still planning on going skydiving.



I mean, when else am I going to get the chance to weep and urinate on another human who is strapped to me at 12,500 feet?

Sunday, March 14, 2010

A Scene From the Day

Ava: I just flirted with Keanu Reeves!

Me: Of course you did! That's amazing.

Ava: Seriously. How's your night?

Me: Me? Oh I discovered that the 3rd and 4th Cutting Edge sequels are pretty good but the 2nd is the weakest.

Ava: (silence)

Me: So.... should I just call a spade and spade and buy another cat?

Ava: (nodding)

And that my friends is how you spend a Sunday.