Wild Kingdom

So last night I was driving home from yet another date. (Side note, apparently I've decided to date the whole of Los Angeles in a single week. Just know some are good, some are bad and some are so very bad that afterwards I pray for humanity. Still thinking if I do write about them I will only write about the bad ones. But yes, there have been some truly awesome ones.)

I was on the phone with Liz doing the typical post date disection/discussion. As I was turning into my driveway I saw what I thought was a cat and stomped on the brakes.

'That's a funny looking cat!'
'How so?'
'Well, it's low to the ground... and has a pointed face... and doesn't look like a cat.'

And that's when I pieced together it was not a cat but a really giant fucking possum. A POSSUM. IN A VERY URBAN AREA OF LOS ANGELES. Dudes, I have lived some places. I have lived in places that could be considered 'country'. But Los Angeles? NOT COUNTRY.

But, apparently we have possums just walking around all willy nilly. I honestly had to go upstairs and google possum and look at pictures to make sure that's what it was. (It was). The best part however was my mild freakout when I started screaming into the phone about how the giant possum was going to attack and eat me. Liz had to calm my panicking, not country ass down and explain that unless I charge it with a stick or back it into a corner the possum would more than likely leave me alone. This however did not stop me from running, full speed into the house terrified I would turn to see it chasing after me.

I would say and this is why I should never leave big cities, but apparently even those aren't safe anymore.

The Weekend: A Recap

Monday tried to eat my soul. As such I spent last night curled into a fetal position and was unable to blog. Why does Monday hate me so much? Perhaps I killed it's puppy? I am going to bake it some cookies in hopes it simmers the fuck down and backs up. That or drink. One of the two.

- This weekend I had my class improv show. Before the show we had a last minute rehearsal. Being as LA was temporarily relocated to the surface of the sun I wore a low cut tank top and flip flops, thinking I would have time to run home before the show and throw on something more improv friendly. I did not. This of course meant that 2 of the scenes involved me crawling around on the floor like a cat (seriously. not joking) and literally willing my boobs to stay in place. I came about one deep breath away from fully flashing 100 strangers. It was awkward.

- On Friday I had what was quite possibly one of the worst dates in recorded history. Apparently having not been on a first date in many, many moons, I forgot just how bad they could be. It lasted 37 minutes. Those were the longest 37 minutes of my life. That period of time consisted of me asking him questions and receiving one word answers and then listening to a 20 minute rant about how much he hates his life and coworkers. Good times people, GOOD FUCKING TIMES. However, I am still all proud of myself for being back 'out there', as the kids say.

- I apparently can now just will things to happen. Such as keeping boobs in place by the power of my brain. I proved this on Friday as well by willing a coworker to bring me a beer. AND HE DID. I am now attempting to will my ass into a size 4 pair of pants and also for free tickets to Greece. I'll let you know how that goes.

Taco Night

Last night I headed west to meet Liz and a couple of our friends for Dollar Tacos. These are legendary in LA and the wait can sometimes be up to 2 hours. It was my first experience and I had been talking about it all week. Don't judge. I just really love tacos. And have a small, small little life.

So we get there, all jazzed up (ok, mostly me) and put our name on the list, grab a margarita and commence waiting. And hour later we're told that we are 2 away. You could feel the excitement build in our group (again, mostly me). Then... the power went out. A cheer went up in the restaurant thinking that it was hilarious and the power would come back on any second.

It did not.

Due to the fact that a large portion of a neighboring area was on fire, the power was off sporadically throughout the 'hood. Specifically the whole block we were on.

Thirty minutes later we are still sitting in the dark eating chips that we begged off of a busboy. Forty Five minutes later we realize that light and tacos just aren't going to happen. Dejectedly we leave, and then remember, hey, this is LA, we can get cheap tacos pretty much anywhere. And so we left, trucked like 2 blocks over and got in line at the new cheap taco place. Sure, we had to wait in a hallway by the bathrooms but it gave us a chance to take iPhone pictures and buy another pitcher of margaritas. Finally at close to 10, I got a taco. And friends, it was good.

Having now eaten our weight in tacos and chips, fatigued from our journey, we head back to Liz's house...only to realize that the power is out there as well. We stood outside and sighed, in sync. And then, no joke, the power came back on. The screaming and jumping up and down was mildly embarrassing and very loud. There was also an epic amount of arm flailing. However, we had many margaritas whilst waiting for tacos and so it didn't seem out of place, although, it did scare her cat.

The moral of this story I guess is that LA didn't want me to have tacos, but I stamped my little feet until I got them. And also, Liz and I can make the power come on through our contempt.

Fan Girl

As we all know I am 29 (efff) biologically. However, my tastes in pop culture tend to lean a bit, well, prepubescent. One of the things I am addicted to is the show So You Think You Can Dance. Like very addicted.

So imagine my surprise last night as I was crossing the street on my way to dinner when I saw essentially all of the choreographers from the show sitting at a table at the restaurant I was headed to. I locked eyes with Mia Michaels and I literally froze, mid step, in a crosswalk. Because I'm awesome. I then had an internal battle that went something like this:

"do something you idiot! Like what? Pirouette, I should totally pirouette! No! Don't do that! Smile! Wave? No! Just keep walking and give them the what's up nod."

So that's what I did. But they totally knew that I totally knew who they were, because well, I had frozen like a deer for a good 30 seconds. So Mia said hi as I walked past. But because, again, I'm retarded, I didn't acknowledge it. Which made it all the more awkward when I was seated roughly 10 feet away from them.

Yeah.

When they left I got a cell phone pic as I am so that girl. I then promptly freaked out and emailed everyone I knew. Because I am emotionally mature.

Also, side note, Jonah Hill rode past the restaurant on a Vespa. Sometimes I love LA.

The Weekend: A Recap

- In celebration of our country's birth many stores have sales (thanks America) I took advantage of said sales and bought myself a new mattress. I am now broke because I spent way too much on it even though it was roughly 70% off. So instead of going out I will now just invite people to spoon with me in my insanely comfortable bed. That's not awkward, right?

- Went to an awesome bbq on the 4th. There was an adorable 11 month old baby there who attached himself to my hip. He then also attached his hand to my boob. His mom kept trying to explain there was no milk in them there hills, but he didn't care. Most action I've gotten in months.

- At said bbq I discovered the 'beergarita'. It is a tasty treat.

- After 8 weeks off from the gym (thanks break up!) I went back. My legs are now on strike in protest. It's not pretty. But, I had to do it. I have been walking around in depressed state for far too long. So now I can walk around in a depressed state with really toned abs.

Oh, Mom...No

So yesterday I received a friend request on Facebook from my mom's best friend, a woman who is like a 2nd mother to me. I debated for a few hours and then accepted.

Within minutes, really, seconds, I had a series of emails from her about pictures and status updates wondering what they meant or where they were taken. Then, the most ominous email yet: 'We need to get your mom on here!!!'

Sigh.

No. No, we don't.

Because then my status updates won't be able to be something from 4AM saying 'Meghan just made out with a 23 year old. Thanks vodka' and instead have to be something akin to 'Meghan is a responsible adult who is contemplating life and reading the Bible.' And really, no one needs that in their life. Especially me. And this is one of the many reasons why the internet is evil.

An Open Letter

Dear Las Vegas,

I apologize. For years and years I said that you, dear Vegas, were over hyped. Even after my last adventure there I claimed it was a one off. Said that while fun, I could drink at home. I believe I called you cheesy. Vegas, I'm embarrassed. But, when I'm wrong I say I'm wrong. And Vegas? I was epically wrong.

You see, the problem wasn't you, it was me. I didn't know how to do you right. Now that my uncle is having a late life crisis complete with 29 year old Romanian model girlfriend who has Jedi mind powers that gets us into all the clubs, well, I can do you right. Right are tables facing dance floors. Right is bottle service. Right is the 23 year old football player. Sigh.

Vegas, bottle service is amazing, as is the club XS. When you combine the two? Genius. Especially when said table faces the pool that has over a thousand people dancing around it and 2 very naked people in it, doing what can only be called 'making a baby'. That, that is a good time. Also a good time are the bathrooms at Mix. You see that club is on the 64th floor of The Hotel and the toilets come complete with a floor to ceiling window over looking the city. It's fairly weird to pee that way at first, but now I think it's the only way to do it.

So Vegas, in short, you rock. Neigh, you rule. You also kicked my ass as I am old now and can't hang like that anymore.

I need a nap,
Me