Monday, June 29, 2009

An Open Letter

Dear Las Vegas,

I apologize. For years and years I said that you, dear Vegas, were over hyped. Even after my last adventure there I claimed it was a one off. Said that while fun, I could drink at home. I believe I called you cheesy. Vegas, I'm embarrassed. But, when I'm wrong I say I'm wrong. And Vegas? I was epically wrong.

You see, the problem wasn't you, it was me. I didn't know how to do you right. Now that my uncle is having a late life crisis complete with 29 year old Romanian model girlfriend who has Jedi mind powers that gets us into all the clubs, well, I can do you right. Right are tables facing dance floors. Right is bottle service. Right is the 23 year old football player. Sigh.

Vegas, bottle service is amazing, as is the club XS. When you combine the two? Genius. Especially when said table faces the pool that has over a thousand people dancing around it and 2 very naked people in it, doing what can only be called 'making a baby'. That, that is a good time. Also a good time are the bathrooms at Mix. You see that club is on the 64th floor of The Hotel and the toilets come complete with a floor to ceiling window over looking the city. It's fairly weird to pee that way at first, but now I think it's the only way to do it.

So Vegas, in short, you rock. Neigh, you rule. You also kicked my ass as I am old now and can't hang like that anymore.

I need a nap,

Wednesday, June 24, 2009

On the Road... Again

So, I've been in town for like a week and a half, ergo, it's time to leave again. Yes, tomorrow I head to Vegas for a work event. I'll be there, ahem, 'working', until Sunday. By 'working' I of course mean trying to get all work items done in as little time as possible so that I can then maximize pool time. We also plan to start every day with mimosas.

I think all working days should be like this.

Previously I've only spent 2.5 days in Vegas at a stretch. And we all remember what happened last time (me running down a hallway, shirt backwards, at 5AM) so who knows what the additional day will bring? However, I'll be surrounded by coworkers so methinks I should attempt to keep my clothes on. Perhaps. Maybe.

Well, I'll at least consider it.


Monday, June 22, 2009

Oy, Seriously, Oy

So yesterday my uncle and I met up for breakfast. Because nothing says family fun time like 8AM pancakes on a Sunday. After eating he decided it would be a good idea to call my grandpa together and wish him a happy father's day. The conversation went like this:

Him: You've been traveling a lot lately, huh?

Me: Oh yeah, had a few friends get married so I went to all the weddings.

Him: Never your wedding though, huh? Nope, nope, never yours.

And this is why I drink.

After this conversation I had to head to work because well, the world is trying to eat me. I worked for 5 hours then went to Liz's house. Upon walking in I promptly burst into tears. Being my friend is a wonderful, wonderful thing. However, after hanging out with the gay show cat and eating a calzone as big as my head, I calmed down a bit. So then we drew with sidewalk chalk and blew bubbles as it seemed logical at the time. Let me just say, I love sidewalk chalk. Lots and lots even. I also love eating Raisinettes for dinner.

I'm a mature adult.

Friday, June 19, 2009

An Open Letter

Dear Kittens,

You know I love you, you furry bastards, you. However. If you continue to wake me up at 5 AM by headbutting, kneading or meowing in my face I will shave you. No joke. Shave. Bald. And then I will ironically name you Fluffy 1 and Fluffy 2. And then I will post pictures of it on the internet. I understand you are felines but I can tell you have pride and will feel shame.

Consider yourself warned.

Hugs and kisses,
The one who feeds you

Thursday, June 18, 2009

One Week In

So I've been 29 for a week. Woo.

Generally speaking I am uber excited for birthdays. Like a cracked out 3 year old if you will. 29? Not so much. If my mom hadn't been coming to town I would have locked myself in my apartment for a long weekend, hidden under the covers and wept. However, in town she was and thus, hiding wasn't an option. Instead we shopped until our credit cards burst into flames and then saw Dirty Dancing on stage.


We did.

I love me some DD. I do. Greatest movie ever. However on stage? Well, it's a smidge cheesy. Do not tell any of the other people in the audience that, however. While I love me some Dirty Dancing those motherfuckers L-O-V-E them some DD. People essentially screamed and passed out a la the Beatles on Ed Sullivan when the line 'nobody puts Baby in a corner was uttered'. Laughing at this made my birthday weekend significantly less painful.

I don't know, kids. Maybe it's the fact that it's the last year of my 20's and I don't feel particularly accomplished, or the recent tearing out of my still beating heart, but 29 has been painful. Very, very painful. It's getting better day by day, but dudes, I feel old and raw. Not a good combination. However, even if I am old and raw I now have a lot of new shit thanks to a shopping spree. And to quote my mom 'hey, when you get sad just look at your new bag and think 'fuck him, I don't need a man, I have a fantastic new purse'. ' And this is one of the many reasons why I love my mommy.

Thursday, June 11, 2009

It Are My Birthday

Today I am 29.


Wednesday, June 10, 2009

And I'm Back

Egads, this week has tried to eat me alive. Technically I have been back since Monday night but I have been buried under a mound of work and DayQuil from the moment I've landed. Soon there will be a proper post but until then... Hawaii: A Recap

- In Hawaii I lost my mind. I decided that I, girl who is afraid of her own shadow, would be fine cliff diving and parasailing.

- Apparently the people on the boat whilst I was 500 feet up in the air could hear me screaming. Per the boat captain he'd never heard anything like it.

- After climbing cliff to jump off of I stood there for 30 minutes, shaking. The girl next to me was also shaking but was also insanely annoying. I couldn't take it anymore so I jumped. Thanks annoying girl!

- Mai tais are amazing. Especially when served in pineapples.

- I swam with dolphins and one kissed my cheek. This was as much action as I got in Hawaii. I am so ok with that.

- On the plane ride there I sat next to honeymooners who essentially dry humped for 6 hours.

- On the plane ride there, I drank even though it was 6AM.

- Driving a convertible down the coast of Oahu whilst blasting classic rock will now be one of my favorite memories of all time. It was wonderful and so worth the extra cost of the car.

- My friends got married and it was fantastic. We got to scream Bonzai at the bride and groom. This was also a highlight of my trip and should totally be included in every wedding.

This was the view from my hotel room:

Any questions as to why I would like to go back immediately? Yeah... didn't think so.

Wednesday, June 03, 2009


Very, very early in the morning I fly westward to Oahu. There I will hopefully swim with dolphins, parasail and have some damn fun. I will hopefully not get a sunburn and to work against this my suitcase is roughly 90% sun block. Ah Polish skin, it does not fair well in the sun.

I'll be back late Monday night with, fingers crossed, many stories. Hopefully none of those involve me face planting into a tree a la Costa Rica. Face planting into a cute local boy, however? Sign. Me. Up.

Tuesday, June 02, 2009

Only in LA

Sweet mother of Christ I had one of the best dinners last night. It was Sera's last night in LA and we were walking to a diner. On our way we passed a couple of super fancy restaurants. Cut to us running back to my apartment, throwing on heels and going to one of the top restaurants in town.



Worth it.

Seriously, y'all it was one of the best meals I've ever had. And the ex was a foodie so I've been some places. This surpassed all of them, except one. But, I digress.

So there Sera and I sit, drinking our wine and eagerly awaiting our expensive entrees when we hear a giant thump. That thump? Chick passing out and hitting the wall. It seems that in order to fit into her teeny tiny wee little dress she hadn't eaten for a FEW DAYS. And decided to start with wine. The wait staff rushed over and literally had to drag her to the bar where 2 ambulances would eventually race to pick her up. The restaurant fell into a hush for approximately 18 seconds and then went right back to eating as a small little woman was DRAGGED ACROSS THE FLOOR.

It was GENIUS. And would of course, only happen in LA. Sometimes it's fun to live in a circus.

Monday, June 01, 2009

The Weekend: A Recap

Sera is in town. This means that we drank a lot.

- On Friday we went to an art exhibition. If you were wondering where all the hipsters were, well, they were with us. I think the streets of Silverlake must have been empty as all the vespas and ironic scarves were with me in West LA. In front of me in line for the bathroom were two of the worst examples of plastic surgery I had seen in a long, long time. Their faces simply didn't move. They were both discussing things that various men around Los Angeles had bought them recently (a Rolex, a new phone, etc) and it made my brain boil. Thank God the line moved so they could go do some blow in the stall before I could punch them in the ovaries or cry. These chicks, one of which has no original bones left in her face and looks like a lion, have men climbing all over them. Perhaps I should get 8 pounds of silicone injected into my face?

- After we could no longer take the hipsters we escaped to a pub. In the pub there was a hipster passed out. His friends encouraged us to climb on him and take pictures. We did. These pictures make me happy.

- Saturday we went bar hopping. One of the bars was full of 22 year olds. When one of them hugged me and tried to hit on me I called him a puppy. He took offense to this. Odd, really. After that we ended up in a place that was supposed to be punk but was really not. Unless LA's version of punk means skinny jeans and Uggs paired with leggings. We instead played video games, for roughly 4 hours. Underneath the video game system was a fountain so every time you moved your foot ended up in water. We walked out of there with very damp feet.

- Yesterday I finally joined the human race and saw Star Trek. It was amazing, seriously, if you haven't seen it yet, go see it. Totally worth it.