Tuesday, September 30, 2008

Ah, Fall

Yesterday it rained for 5 WHOLE minutes. What does this mean? It means that in LA we have experienced the entirety of our fall season. Next comes winter when we wear tank tops and eat outside next to heat lamps because it's 60 degrees. Then comes pilot season and then summer, again.

I really do like LA. Some could even say that at times I 'love' it. I like the fact that when I tell people that I am going to the acupuncturist and then the astrologist they just kind of nod and then say 'awesome'. Were I to tell anyone in New York this they would attempt to have me committed and possibly punch me in the face. I also love the proximity to my family and the fact that I can point my car east and be home in 5 hours or less, depending on how much caffeine I have had the level of lead in my foot. I do not, however, love or even really enjoy the weather. I miss seasons and layers. I miss leaves changing and waking up covered in blankets. These days I wake up and bemoan the fact my AC isn't strong enough.

I am just annoyed that it's the end of September and 90 degrees. I want the ability to wear a sweater, dammit. And not just because I am tired of being on a diet so I can fit into tiny tank tops. Ok, that's mostly it, but I would like a change of scenery mostly. A change that lasts longer than 5 minutes.

End petulant whiny post.

Monday, September 29, 2008

The Reunion: A Recap

My brain is basically mush from fatigue. Ergo, a quick recap with more to come later when I have slept more than 30 minutes in a row.

- I spent a lot of time talking to my 4th grade best friend. It was weird and yet awesome. She has a baby, which is not surprising as 95% of my class has a baby or was pregnant. She and I didn't speak in high school at all as she was popular and well, I was fat and angry. It was nice to catch up and made the entire thing worth it.

- Very drunk girl kept coming up to me and telling me how I used to be round and am no longer. I have been called many, many things in my life, but never have I been called round quite so often.

- Girl who was a pathological liar in high school is still a pathological liar. And they've gotten worse and decidedly less believable. We all know you weren't teaching kindergarten in Austria for the past 4 years. Also, your hair didn't 'magically' happen to get more blond with age.

- Bitchy girl from high school is still a bitch. However, she has not aged well. And, the best thing to happen EVER... her husband got kicked out of the reunion. Why, you ask? Because he peed on the floor in the bathroom. Class city, USA.

- It's possible to be hung over for 2 days after a single reunion experience. As I have mentioned I had given up the drinking as part of my acupuncturist cleanse. Ergo, the drinks hit me HARD and I am still in pain. However, I had more fun than expected, talked to some great people and laughed a lot. I am oddly glad I went and I didn't even have to punch anyone in the face! Although, I did make someone cry. More on that later.

Friday, September 26, 2008


Today I hop on a plane and fly to the most whiskey tango high school reunion of all time. Ergo, I plan to spend the next 48 hours highly, HIGHLY, inebriated.

Take cover Arizona.

Thursday, September 25, 2008

A Scene From the Day

There I am, curled up on the couch bemoaning my state as a human being, when my cat jumps up to cuddle. I think 'aww, he loves me and realizes I am sick' and start to pet him. Then I notice he smells. And that smell? Is poop. I turn him around and realize he has poop all stuck to him, and at this point he smiles and runs away.

You know, nothing is more fun when you have the flu than to be crouched on all 4 in your underpants chasing a cat while clinging to a stack of 'Girl's night out' napkins. Really, try it next time you are ill. It will add a certain sense of frivolity to your illness. Please note though that you must only be wearing underpants because that's what makes the scene truly come together. It also helps you acquire some new cat scratches in very odd and interesting places.

After I had cleaned up the cat I laid around thinking... 'oh lord, I am going to have to shave my cat's ass. Then I won't just be the girl whose cat is on Prozac, I'll be the girl who spends her time shaving cat's asses.' And then I took more medicine and went to sleep.

Tuesday, September 23, 2008

Cough Cough

I am sick (cough cough). I thought I had somehow missed the illness rampaging Los Angeles this go around. The last two weeks basically took down the whole city while I skipped by talking about how damn healthy I felt as I am awesome like that. Apparently once the germs got tired of torturing everyone else they all turned on me. So now I am on my couch, done with 3 out of 4 of the vampire books and bemoaning my state as a human being. Also, I bemoan the fact that I didn't buy book 4 when I had a chance thinking I wouldn't have time to read it. So now, with all the time I have on my hands, I am going to try and see if I can perfect mind control, thus making someone from Barnes and Noble deliver the book to me along with a pony. And chocolate.

I spend my time wisely.

Sunday, September 21, 2008

The Weekend: A Recap

- Since Friday I have spent $60 on vampire books geared towards 12 year olds and I LOVE them. There is no shame in my game, at all. Feel free to ask me how I spent my Sunday night (hint: reading said books and texting people about how awesome they are)

- Also on Friday I went to the Hollywood Bowl to the Sound of Music sing along. It is hilarious and I highly recommend doing it next year if you are in LA. You will see me as my friends and I will be participating in the costume contest as apparently, a Sound of Music sing along just wasn't gay enough without a costume parade.

- Yesterday I went to a very fancy bar and it was lovely. On the way there, however, I totally almost died when a dude who was texting on his cell phone didn't see the light was red and just went on through missing our car by about 2 inches. Luckily my friend Kat has reflexes like an um, real cat, and slammed on her brakes while swerving. I now know how my friends react in an emergency. Kat- cool under pressure, Liz- screams very loudly and finally me- screams a stream of obscenities while waving right hand in a one fingered salute. Due to this experience wherein my life flashed before my eyes (recap: boring, lots of cheese) I decided to fall WAAAAYYYYYY off the diet wagon. The amount of carbohydrates I have consumed in the last 24 hours can not be calculated by modern science. This is bad for many reasons. One, my expensive acupuncturist will yell at me and two, I have my 10 year high school reunion in T-Minus 5 days and my ass needs to fit in some very tight and low slung pants. Perhaps the Carbohydrate Gods will take pity on my poor near death ass and process the bread, wine and candy as though it is lettuce? Doubtful, but I will continue to operate under the illusion that wish is possible until Friday when I will have a nervous break down.

- I topped off the weekend by watching Josh Groban rap on the Emmys. It was uncomfortable.

Wednesday, September 17, 2008


Today I have discovered the following two things:

1) My shirt is 100% see through when hit with the right light. This 'right light' exists in my office, in my office bathroom and outside. I am very, very popular today.

2) I will give someone money to do weird things to my body. Like put needles in my neck. On the plus side needles in the neck really relaxes a person and brings forth a head buzz akin to drinking a half bottle of wine. I have already schedule my next neck needle session.

3) Bonus item: saying 'next neck needle session' is difficult, even when not said aloud and only in ones head.

Tuesday, September 16, 2008

I Hope the Prize is a Pony...

Or cake. Or a dude carrying cake and a bottle of vodka on a pony. Yeah... that one...

My site was nominated for Best Humor Blog!

The Vice Squad

I am currently without any vices. I am a person who desperately needs vices as it distracts me from the problems of the world and/or idiots who need to be yelled at with large words they won't understand. Currently I am without the following:

- I don't do drugs
- I don't smoke
- There are no boys at all in my life, not even one to flirt with harmlessly, ergo, no boom boom
- I am not drinking alcohol (let that one sink in for a moment)
- I am not ingesting any of the following: carbs, sugar, caffeine

I am the hardest core Mormon an agnostic has ever been. Do I get the special magical underpants now? Those special magical underpants better arrive post haste and they better bring with them a giant doughnut filled with vodka.

Sunday, September 14, 2008

Things I Have Learned

I am following my acupuncturist prescribed diet and... it sucks. If I saw someone eating sugar or carbs or God forbid a diet Coke I would leap on them and put my tongue in their mouth regardless of gender, age or marital status. Because of this I have sequestered myself in my apartment with my new bottles of very expensive vitamins and large doses of meat. It's better for society that way. Needless to say it's been an interesting weekend.

However I have learned the following:

- When you take away carbs, caffeine and sugar I am one very tired person and could technically be described as narcoleptic

- When someone tells you brown rice will give you 'shocking amounts of energy' you should punch them in the face because they are lying

- When one's diet is limited to 5 items (no exaggeration) it can make a person cranky and apt to cry when the Food Network is on

- And finally that if my acupuncturist doesn't start adding in new foods on Wednesday as promised, you will be able to hear me screaming from Newfoundland

Seriously kids, this has been rough. My brain is angry and unable to bring the funny. All I can say that after this little experiment I better be so healthy that they dedicate science books to me. Or they give me a pony. Whichever.

Thursday, September 11, 2008

Fire Belly

Nothing says relaxing Wednesday night like laying in your underwear while a stranger puts needles in your feet. Let's just say acupuncture is interesting. Also, for this little post bear in mind I have a wicked high tolerance for pain.

The session began by filling out 20 pages of questions regarding my health. After talking them over the doctor deduced that I have too much 'fire' and need to completely change my diet. In doing this for the next month I will reduce what the fire feeds on and will feel better. Yeah. Ergo, my diet now consists of meat, soy and meat. Oh and more meat. Apparently fire likes the taste of flesh, go figure. After a month I can add things back in, such as alcohol. When she told me I couldn't drink for a month I sat in silence for two minutes. Finally I looked at her and said 'my 10 year high school reunion is in 3 weeks. If you think I am going through that sober then you may, in fact, be insane.' She then conceded that desperate times call for desperate measures and I am allowed to drink at the reunion. (thanks crazy needle lady!)

We finished discussing my fire and moved into the needle room. I dropped trou and climbed on the table as there is no shame in my game. The first 4 needles I didn't feel AT ALL. It was great. I thought it would be a breeze! Then she hit a nerve in my wrist. Ever get hit with a lightening bolt in your finger (metaphorically)? I have. It's not pleasant. Apparently my nerves are located in very 'curious' positions in my wrists as and felt around on the right side and still hit another one. Lightening bolt two. It wasn't crazy painful just surprising. Like getting punched in the hand. By a man who is made out of electricity. The only other needle that hurt was the one in my foot in the spot that controls the liver. I know, I am just as shocked as you are that my liver has been a wee bit overused. Shocked and awed.

Afterward she told me to go to a herbal store and buy placenta pills. Listen, I am 100% for getting needles stuck in me and causing lightening. I will even do the all meat all the time diet, but, BUT, I draw the line at taking placenta pills. I mean, a girl's gotta have a limit and some class. So I told her this, while standing there in my days of the week underwear. Then I pulled on my pants, went home, and booked a trip to Costa Rica.

It was an interesting day.

Wednesday, September 10, 2008


In my quest to try things I have always wanted to do as well as just in general feel better I have done the following: reflexology, thai massage, yoga and oddly, golf. Today I add to that line up and mix in a bit of acupuncture. Because nothing says relaxation like laying there while a stranger puts dozens of needles in your body and then charges you a small fortune for it. However, since I have already paid someone to punch me in the leg (reflexology) and then paid even more to get punched in the ass (thai massage) I think that this is the next logical step and truly the final frontier. I would very much like it if someone was there to take a picture of me looking like that creepy Hell Raiser dude, however I don't think that's allowed. Ergo, I will write about it on the internet for strangers. Man, I am a giver.

Tuesday, September 09, 2008


- I am having an excellent hair day. Thanks Universe. This however makes me sad as my hair lady is moving to NY. Damn you New York and your tempting ways! Who's gonna give me kick ass highlights now? Who damnit? Who? (no seriously, anyone got a recommend?)

- A friend and I are planning a potential trip to Central America. I am wicked excited about this for many, many reasons and am hoping it comes to fruition. However, there is one thing I am not excited about: planes with propellers. We are flying into the capital city but to get to the actual rain forest and beach area we would either have to drive 3.5 hours through treacherous Central American roads (seriously the hotel people on the website are all 'if you are crazy, you can attempt the drive), or we can fly 20 minutes on a plane with fucking propellers. Being as I have panic attacks on 747s I have no idea what my body would do when forced to deal with a tinker toy they call an 'airplane'. I am thinking vomit and hair loss will be involved. I'll keep you updated. Perhaps you all can send me a care package filled with Valium and M&Ms?

- Last night I went to an improv show. Man, I love me some improv. I especially love it on Mondays, which in general suck donkey dick due to the end of weekend and start of the stress and the work and the wearing of pants and having to dress/act like a responsible adult. However, improv following this type of Monday is an excellent cure all. Especially since there is a BYOB policy.

Friday, September 05, 2008

Thursday, September 04, 2008

An Open Letter

Dear Jesus,

Hey big guy.... I know that my actions last weekend kind of pissed you off. Big time. But did you really need to give me a flu like cold aka The Summer Plague? I mean, I've been really good lately. I hang out with the cats and have stopped yelling at people in traffic (at least loud enough for them to hear me). I think these actions should allow me a little fun. Ok, ok, a lot of fun. I mean, Jesus, you saw that guy, he was really hot. Like David Beckham hot. I feel I should be allowed, no, not just allowed GIVEN the chance to make out with gentlemen like this on a regular basis. Perhaps we can strike a deal, you send me a dude that looks like that but also has more than two brain cells and I will stop making fun of people (loud enough for them to hear me). And if you could also take away the horrible death cold I would be greatly appreciative. I would even bake you cookies. So, do we have a deal Jesus?

Me aka 'totally don't regret it... did you see his ass?'

Tuesday, September 02, 2008

That's Interesting

Since returning to LA I have talked to Liz and our unnamed cohort many times. In each conversation I learn a new detail of our trip that I have conveniently blocked out. (read: too much vodka). Apparently after leaving my glasses in the underwear models room and discovering this 10 minutes later when I touched my face and was able to touch my eye without glass in the way I turned into the ultimate drama queen. Things I apparently shouted while flailing my arms:

'Oh my God! Without my glasses I am legally blind!' - this is in no way true, things are legally mildly fuzzy but I can see everything that's not in fine print

'We are going to be stuck in Vegas! I have to get back to my cats!' - Glad to know that I bring my felines into my meltdowns. And apparently have forgotten that companions also have driving licenses and there are miracle machines called 'airplanes'

'What if they step on them?' - Legitimate concern as the model thought he was getting ass, he did not and was decidedly not pleased with my 'thanks but no thanks' and then RUNNING AT FULL SPEED from his room. Odd that.

I am sure more details will emerge within the next few days and I will be equally mortified/amused. Then I will promise to never, ever drink again. Or become the Ultimate Drama Queen of the Whole Universe. Then I will mix myself a cocktail and say 'fuck it, shit happens'.

Monday, September 01, 2008

Yeah, That Was Fun

Vegas is awesome, but potentially out of vodka. And champagne. Just just be aware of that if you are planning a trip anytime soon. I achieved all goals and made out with a man who was both a professional lacrosse player (who knew there was a pro lacrosse league?) and an amateur underwear model. He was very pretty and I believe, 24. I flirted my ass off, danced, went to an awful, awful club and ended up on a rooftop deck overlooking all of Las Vegas

There are many, many stories but in telling them would violate the girl code of honor. However I will tell you this detail, if you were on a certain floor of a certain hotel and saw two girls BOLTING past you, one of which was holding her bra in her hand, had her shirt on backwards and inside out and was missing her glasses, you should have stopped them and said hi, because one of them was me. Perhaps I would have made you retrieve said glasses instead of poor sleeping friend.

I am generally much more well behaved than I was this weekend. I have discovered that is very boring. I much more prefer this, except, perhaps, with less vomit. Again, that one was me.

Thanks Vegas, you're a peach.