Thursday, August 06, 2009


My throat, it hath healed! Now that I am amongst the land of the living yet again I can tell some of the tales I teased. Well, two of them. The naked one deserves it's own little entry.

- So at said work event last week I was bending down to hang a lanyard around a child's neck his mom asked me a question. I looked up to answer and as I opened my mouth to do so the kid leaned in and coughed. Into me. On purpose. His mom turned beet red and dragged him away without uttering a word. Now that's some responsible parenting. And as it gave me the plague I am going to hunt them down, as God is my witness, and cough on the mom. Or make her buy me a pony. One of the two.

- Bleeding from the face... well... let's start with the fact that I'm delicate like a fucking flower. No joke. It doesn't help that I am a girl, A, and that B, a girl who enjoys lotion and therefore has super soft albeit sensitive skin. So when I choose to kiss someone with stubble the chances I will get abrasions are fairly high. Especially if it's been awhile since kissing a boy with stubble. Then abrasions of epic proportions are essentially guaranteed. And then I have to lie to people saying that I am either having an allergic reaction to coconut or had a bad facial. Yeah. Totally believable, right? So after said abrasions had set in I went to sleep that night. During said sleep I kept dreaming that moths were landing on my face (due to the fact that moths had flown into my apartment earlier and thus were taking over and I had spent 2 hours chasing them around). As my dreams are crazy realistic I tried to swat them away and kept smacking myself in the face. (I'm awesome) During said smack I apparently ripped off a piece of my skin. Thus, I ran around in small circles freaking out for awhile, as you do, and then worked on getting the bleeding to stop. It wouldn't. Not for awhile. So then in my panic I was like 'fuck, I'm going to have to go to the hospital and explain this and while they finish laughing at me I will die from blood loss.' This scenario seemed entirely plausible at the time. Luckily the bleeding did in fact stop and then I put band aids all over my face. And then added a tiara for good measure. Sex-y. It really is a wonder I'm single.

Oh and to answer your question Chuck, when wearing a tiara the appropriate attire is a bra and oversize pajama pants. Otherwise you just look stupid.

1 comment:

Chuck said...

ROTFL. You poor thing.

How big was this chunk of skin that you couldn't get it to stop bleeding? I've cut myself shaving and it usually bleeds for a few minutes. (While I get to rock the toilet paper on the face look) It must have been a huge hunk or you have thin blood.

Was they makey-outy good at least? 'Cause if it wasn't, that would suck double.

Two pieces of commentary here: (not counting the drivel I just said)

Is it bad that I think it would be hilarious to see you smacking yourself while dreaming. The mental image I have cannot do this justice I don't think. (How long were you bleeding before you woke up? Was it right away or did you have to use Oxy Clean to wash your bedding. That would make for an uncomfortable trip to the laundry mat... Or a hilarious one...

I saw a commercial for the local arena here in town and Journey is coming. Of course, I immediately thought of you. I think I need to go to ODD Anonymous.