Side Note

Thursday I leave for Hawaii. So Wednesday is the last day I will blog about Texas. Enough is enough. I will go to the islands and relax for 5 days. I will swim with dolphins. I will drink overpriced cocktails. I will not cry.

And when I get back, no more. No more pain over this guy who clearly wasn't worth it.

I miss the funny me too. Hoping she returns soon.

Bottom

Kids, I've hit bottom. Honestly I didn't think I could be any more shocked or hurt than I was. Until today. Today I discovered that Texas signed up for a dating site within a week of our break up. And the pictures he used? Ones I took on our trips. Every. Single. One.

The first photo? In my family's backyard. The second? On our trip to New York. The third? Trip to Austin where he introduced me to his childhood friends. Oh and the 4th? Why I do believe that was after my best friend's memorial. Oh and the descriptions? Jokes we had. Books he listed that he just read? Ones I gave him as presents because they were my favorites and knew he had a lot of flights for work coming up and may be bored.

Heart, meet blender.

All I can say is that I truly hope it doesn't get any worse because I honestly can't take it. I'm done with pain, done with hurting and done with him. Now excuse me while I go lose my lunch.

Not Good

I am not good. I think the technical term is 'depressed' but in my terms it's 'fucked'.

This weekend was rough in many unexpected ways. I was supposed to be in Texas with him, meeting the family. This meant that at any given moment I could look at the clock and think 'at this exact time I was supposed to have brunch with his mother'. Instead I was trying desperately to distract myself with anything I could get my hands on. I went to dinners, I went for drinks, I got a massage, hell I got a tattoo. Nothing worked. Nothing. Instead I am $400 poorer and depressed. Fun, huh?

I miss him. I miss us. I miss the person who I talked to 10 times a day.

I'm just really sad. This weekend kicked my ass good and proper. Hope yours was better than mine.

An Open Letter

Dear Universe,

Really? No... REALLY? I get it, I'm still hung up on the dude. Do you need to keep throwing it in my face? The other day when I was coming home from therapy all red eyed from crying, it was mildly funny that the vanity license plate on the car in front of me was his last name. Hilarious. Even better was yesterday when during improv we had a substitute teacher who knew nothing about me and somehow found it deep within his soul to give me the suggestions of: break up and Texas. Yeah. They were. After 'break up' everyone squirmed in their seats, knowing my story. And after he said Texas my friend in class literally threw her hands up. So universe, you are making nice improv doing vegans throw their hands up in my defense. So fucking stop it.

But, no. You couldn't. Today, the day I was supposed to fly to Austin with Texas to meet his entire family and attend a big event but instead had to go to the doctors you threw this little gem at me:

Doctor walking into room: Hey there! Before we begin, quick question. You travel a lot right?

Me: That I do.

Doctor: Ever been to Austin?

Me: (head hitting desk)

So universe, I would much appreciate it if you would stop throwing him in my face in weird and stupid ways. Also, if you could explain last night's dream where in I am on a surf board paddling with my office manager and speaking in italian that would be great.

Hugs and kisses,
Me

The Earth Moved. Again

So there I am, laying in a Xanax coma on my couch cuddled with my kitten. Suddenly the couch starts to move violently. Being as my brain was somewhere far, far away I shouted at my cat to stop shaking. Yep. I did. Because that was the kind of logic that seemed appropriate. It was then that I opened my eyes to find my cat sitting still with what can only be described as a 'bitch please' expression upon his face.

Then the wine rack started to shake. Then the painting started to move. And then my wee little brain said 'ohhhh, it's an earthquake!' Then I contemplated moving to a doorway and by the time I had forced my body into a sitting position it was over.

So the moral of this story is: always take too much Xanax just in case there is an emergency and also, I am not good in a crisis.

Stupid earth.

I Made It

Dudes, I survived the wee, teeny, tiny, little plane. (Thank you Xanax) It wasn't nearly as bad as I thought except for one brief moment when the pilot got permission to fly by Mount Rushmore at a low altitude. I don't know if you've ever flown over mountains in something the size of a shoe but I recommend you do it significantly higher than we did if you don't want to be shaken like a rag doll. DID NOT LIKE. The only other part that sucked was landing. It feels like you are headed straight towards earth in a not good kind of way. Thankfully it all worked out and I made it safely home to my kittens.

Other notes from the weekend -

- The wedding was beautiful and I am so glad I went

- The reception was at the one winery in all of South Dakota. The wine I enjoyed? Called Phat Hogg. Yeah. It was oddly delicious.

- I'm going to save you $20... Mount Rushmore looks just like the pictures and the Crazy Horse Memorial is just a dude's head carved into the side of a mountain. There. Now you don't have to go.

- Apparently in South Dakota appetites will return. The cause of this? Lots of stores selling homemade fudge.

- Homemade fudge tastes even better at 3AM.

- After said beautiful wedding we went to a local bar called The Mangy Moose. You can not make that up.

- If going to the Mangy Moose I recommend walking in with a bunch of city kids in suits and dresses, you can actually hear the record scratch as everyone turns to stare.

- Apparently I go over well in South Dakota. A toothless man in a bar complimented my legs a lot and asked everyone if I was single. Fun times.

- Never, ever put on a tie that a drunk groomsman throws at you. The tie will inevitably have a zipper mechanism that will get stuck and people will have to hold your head whilst pulling on said tie to get it off. This will hurt. It will also be an occasion for photo ops.

The Things I Do For Friends

Tomorrow I am boarding a teeny plane all on my lonesome to go to a wedding.In South Dakota. Texas had originally planned to go with me, but well, him breaking up with me kind of put an end to that. To say that I am terrified of said teeny plane would be an understatement of EPIC proportions. However, I am going to a state I've never been to and will witness two of my favorite people get married. This will be good.

For the last week I have been in a lot of pain. I've been kind of stuck in a 'woe is me' kind of heartache. It's been all encompassing. All I could think about was that I have to go to this wedding alone and will have no one to dance with. Selfish, right? I mean, this weekend is in no way about me. It's about these two wonderful people who have found love and are sharing it with us, their friends. Luckily my mom kind of mentally kicked the shit out of me the other day and knocked some sense into me. I'm still in pain and still cry roughly every 5 minutes, but I am going to enjoy myself, dammit. I am going to go drink wine and take pictures and visit weird things like this. I will make tourists take pictures of me. I will not freak out on the plane. (ok, I will, but whatever)But most importantly I will keep reminding myself that this is about friends, not me. I will toast them and dance, even if it's by myself.

And I will more than likely cling to the stranger beside me on the teeny plane. I apologize in advance, you lucky SOB.