Tuesday, February 17, 2009

The Stalker

In July I went on one date with a dude. One. It was a blind double date and I was told that he was 6 feet tall and hilarious. He was 5'6 and obnoxious. He made fun of 'fat' people (read size 12) in the restaurant and spent roughly 3/4 of the night calling his friend gay and asking him how much he enjoyed anal sex. I know, you're shocked we're not married right now, right? Well... apparently so is he.

You see when he went in for the kiss at the end of the night and I violently jerked my head away giving him, awkwardly, the chin, he took this as an invitation for love. I hear from him every few months when he's in town asking if I want to get together. These calls/texts always come in around midnight. You see, somehow my intense disinterest in him also spelled out that I was a whore and would definitely be interested in a booty call. Again, all shades of logical.

So there I am on Saturday night laying in bed with my fella, commenting on the awesomeness of Valentine's Day when the boy says 'is that your phone?' I say no because hello, who in God's name would be repeatedly text messaging me at almost 1AM on Valentine's Day? The Stalker would, that's who. It seems he was 'around' and wanted to know if I was out 'partying'. All I can say is: What. The. Fuck.

So, I am being stalked by a midget with a foul mouth. Score? I think it's time to step out of the 'ignoring' him realm and into the I will eviscerate you mode. I am taking suggestions on what to say to him. Thus far I have come up with: Please understand I have no interest in you as a person. In fact, I think you are stealing valuable oxygen from society. Do not text me. Do not attempt to facebook me. I will squash you like a tiny, annoying, and probably small dicked bug.



Anonymous said...

Isn't going for the "small dicked" shot about as bad as him calling a size 12 woman fat? Its a cheap, easy shot aimed at an emotional weak spot. Why stoop?

Online Dating Girl said...

Agreed. It's why I haven't done it. This is a theoretical text I haven't sent yet in which I get to be theoretically mean.

gamerbri said...

My ideal would be up front with the idiot. Just tell him you find him about as sexy as a foot wart. And if he keeps calling you will remove him like said wart and never be found again.

Becky said...

Tell him you can't return his call because you lost your arms and legs in a horrible accident with a snow plow. (yes I know you're in LA. Just work with me here.)

I think it could work.

Dora said...

How about that all time catch phrase..." The chemistry just isn't there" and then tell him to get lost or your 6'5" "boyfriend" will bash his head in...just saying.

Bob said...

Next time he sends you a text, just reply back saying "Lincoln freed the slaves" Works like a charm every time.