Tuesday, March 20, 2007

Giant Pile of Suck

That's life as of late. A giant pile of suck. Have you ever had one of those times where you just want to put all of your stuff in a wheelbarrow, head off to the mountains and just live alone a la Jerimiah Johnson? Except with cats? Nope...just me? Gotcha. Well as of now that is my back up plan. Except instead of wheelbarrow substitute gas guzzeling SUV. I am about thisclose to having a breakdown and pulling a Britney. I would have done it a few days ago except I really like my hair and don't want lips tattooed on my wrist. Le sigh. As my mom says this too shall pass, and it passes much more quickly with a glass of cheap wine and a box of Peeps for dinner. I love those little sugary fuckers.

Back to what I was going to originally post about, grocery shopping in LA. In LA people don't go to grocery stores to actually buy food. They go to be seen. They wander around chatting on their cellphones holding a little basket with a single apple in it. If you dare put actual food in your own basket you get stared at, open mouthed. I once trailed a person to see if she actually put anything in her cart. In the 30 to 45 minutes I was in the store she put cheese in her cart, took it out, debatted over apples but didn't buy any and finally decided on a 6 pack of diet coke. She did however have a very in depth conversation about how she needs a new agent because this one just doens't realize her potential.

I went to the grocery store on Sunday night thinking this would be the ideal time to avoid the done up masses. I was wrong. I walked in wearing ripped jeans, a hoodie that is holding itself together out of sheer will and a side pony. It looked like the cast of America's Next Top Model had exploded all over my local Ralph's. This is in no way an exaggeration. In line I stood between two models. Not models like hey, that's a nice looking girl, she could do some catalogue work for Sears, but models as in, hey, didn't I see you in the Victoria Secrets ad the other day? It's enough to give a girl a complex. Especially when they are only buying lettuce, sa single carrot and diet water. I was however loaded up on Cap'n Crunch (the peanut butter kind) and mac and cheese. Oh yeah, I had lettuce too, but that's mearly a side dish to my "i still have a cold and therefore and hosting Carb A Palooza" dinner.

Next time I head to buy some paper towels I will make sure I am in a black tie dress and a full face of make up. Maybe then I'll blend.


plain jane said...

I'm sorry, LA sounds like hell. Good thing it has such good weather.

I've been hosting a sickbed Carb-a-palooza myself! Now that I'm feeling better I need a new excuse.

Frazzled Law Student said...

I ALWAYS have that feeling of running off to the mountains and holing up with my cat. I even once found a property that I could buy in an unnamed state and stared at it for 20 minutes trying to figure out how to chuck my life and just DO it.

But then reality intervenes and one starts thinking vacation rather than hermit.

Lady Player said...

I always go to the store in my finest beaded gown and a full face of makeup. When I go to Gelsons, I wear my diamonds.

Fancy Peacock said...

Wrong, two models stood in front and to back of a brilliant writer. They scratched their aging heads and wondered why they have nothing to contribute other than implied sex, or as fact may have it, rather, just got distracted by the shiny things on the ceiling.