Dear Next Door Neighbor,
The item sticking out of your door is called ' a door knob'. Say it with me. Do-or, kn-ob. That's right, sound it out. The function of this item is to allow you to turn it and get in and out of your apartment. The turning aspect is key. See, I feel you view the 'door knob' as a 'pulling handle'. A pulling handle that must be pulled with maximum strength each time it's touched or your door won't close. Here's the secret, it will. I know that just pulling it is easier and makes a WONDERFUL banging sound, but that banging sound comes on the other side of my bedroom wall. When I am sick, or you know, it's night time, I tend to sleep in this 'bedroom'. Ergo, the constant banging wakes me up and makes me surly. Don't make me break in and lick your pillows and glassware thus infecting you with Bronchial Fun 2007. Because I will. I am delirious and a bitch. Seriously dude, consider this your warning.
Hugs and Kisses,
PS- Why do you leave your apartment every 20 minutes? Do you have some type of brain injury wherein you think you left something in the car but get down there only to find you haven't, repeat INDEFINITELY? Let's work on this together. And by that, I mean stop asshat, you are annoying.