Sunday, June 01, 2008

The Weekend: A Check List

Attended Sex and the City Movie without killing girls who laughed/orgasmed every time Sarah Jessica Parker opened her mouth: Check

Added new items to Spinster Kitchen: Check

Got mauled by a kitten: Check

It was a very exciting weekend. First, I bought a crock pot. Do try to contain your excitement at this news. I fully blame both my impending 28th birthday (T-Minus 10 days) and Target and it's wooing ways. I went in to buy cereal. I came out with 200 dollars worth of crap, including my new shiny slow cookin' apparatus. To follow up this feat, today I purchased a cookbook for slow cooking and then chased Liz around The Grove with it until she agreed that yes, it sounds like a wonderful way to pass my time. Then she drank a lot of vodka.

But let's back it up to the truly exciting and potentially scarring news: mauled by a kitten. I was having a rockin' Saturday night and was watching The Professional with a cat fast asleep on my lap. During the movie dudes pop out of nowhere with guns all a'wavin' and I jumped. This apparently startled the hell beast on my lap as he tried to claw through my skin and burrow into my chest cavity. It probably didn't help that in the chaos I grabbed onto him and hugged him to attempt to calm him down. (I'm very smart) He did not like this and tried to dig more rapidly. Then I shouted, he shouted and I finally realized 'Hey Jackass, let go of the thing with the flying claws' and he scampered away. That's when I assessed the damage. The damage was plentiful as my shirt was in tatters and my chest and stomach were bleeding profusely. For a moment I thought 'shit, this is how I die, mauled to death by 20 pounds of orange fury', but I somehow pulled through. To say that scratch marks and puncture wounds on the chest and stomach are uncomfortable would be an understatement. I have countered the pain via Neosporin and wine in copious amounts. That's an incredibly sound medical plan I think. Damn, I should have been a doctor. And as a doctor I would prescribe another application of Cab Sauvignon and a man servant to follow me around and fetch things for me. Like chocolate. And clippers for cat nails.

And now a picture of the ferocious beast in all his napping glory:

3 comments:

Dora said...

WOW, poor you. It must be painful.
Now take a moment and think what it was like from your cats point of view.
Mmm, quiet and cozy lap, when suddenly master freaks out for no reason and tries to suffocate me. Only one thought crossed my mind...must save myself! I gave it all I got and finally managed to free myself. Holy Crap that was some serious angst! What the hell was that all about? Wait till I pay her back for using up one of my lives... I think I'll pee on her clothes.

Lish said...

Oh my god...our cats really are twins!!!

gamerbri said...

lol attack of the evil Cats. coming to the drive in near you.