Monday, October 27, 2008

The Entry All About Breasts

Yesterday I attended a fancy dress 1920's party in downtown LA. For the event a friend of mine had given me a black ballgown. The issue with this ballgown, is well, that it's evil. You see, the dress has 2 strips of fabric in the front and nothing in the back. Ergo, it is not what we would call 'bra friendly'.

I went to Victoria Secrets and there they convinced me that the stick on bra would totally work. Around 6:30 yesterday evening I discovered that it totally didn't. I may as well have taken the $21, flushed it down the toilet, and then asked the universe to hold up my breasts for me. That would have been a far better use of time. However, I had guessed that the stick on bra wouldn't work, so I had a back up plan. And that plan? Duct tape. You know when your weekend to do list includes the line 'buy duct tape, tape boobs' that it's going to be an interesting time.

Twenty minutes later I had constructed myself a bra made out of tape. It worked! Sure, I couldn't breathe deeply and would have to tape the dress to the bra so that it wasn't obvious, but dammit, it worked. I felt like MacGyver, if MacGyver had boobs. Then about 2 minutes later my chest started to feel hot. Not just hot, but burning and itching. It was then that I realized that my skin, really just my boobs, was having an allergic reaction to the adhesive. This is when I made a very big mistake. Instead of removing the tape with soap and water like the internet told me, I just yanked the fuckers off.


I did.

Internet, it hurt. A lot. It was then that I ran around the house screaming and then called Liz. In her wisdom of all things stupid one could do to their body she instructed me to apply olive oil to what were formally my boobs. This would remove the adhesive and calm the skin. So I did it. I sat on my couch and rubbed olive oil on my boobs while crying and being stared at by my cats. It really and truly is a wonder I am single. But... it worked. The adhesive came off and my skin stopped screaming bloody murder. Sure, I now smelled like an Italian restaurant, but I was able to put on my back up dress and go.

Today I look like a burn victim and still smell mildly like garlic bread, but I have survived. But let this be a lesson to you all, regardless of how good an idea it seems, never, ever, ever duct tape your boobs.


kel said...

Uhhh....I guess this is your tribute to Breast Cancer Month? Glad they're okay.

Becky said...

Please, please, please do a book of all your blogs.... It would totally be a best seller!

Anonymous said...

I completely agree. I just read Chelsea Handler's 2 books and I swear your blog is funnier than her books:) Side note, Chicago misses you and hopes you're doing well!

Becky said...


Yes, write that book. NOW!

Chuck said...

Is it wrong that the mental image of you rubbing olive oil on your boobs totally turned me on?

Yeah, I should seek counseling....

Dimplz said...

Ouch. Did you pour a little champagne out for your former boobies at the party?