To say I am blind sided would be an understatement. To say my heart is broken into a thousand pieces is an under exaggeration.
This weekend has not been good.
I will say I thought Texas was the one. We had mentioned that to each other. Said we thought this was fate. I loved him in a way that I didn't think was possible, completely and honestly, warts and all. We had plans and plane tickets through September and had talked about spending New Years overseas. I knew, without a shadow of a doubt in my heart, that when we did that he would propose. We had started to plan our lives together and last Thursday the 23rd we talked about the trip we would take for my 30th birthday in a year.
Friday the 24th we had a fight. He had not done something he had promised he would do, something very important. I called him on it. That spiraled into a discussion about our relationship and adjustments that needed to be made for the other to be happier. I told him that I wasn't ready to call it done and that I loved him. He said he loved me too and was willing to work on these things with me. We then had a fantastic weekend where he on Sunday spent over an hour telling me how much he loved me.
On Monday he was stuck at work. On Tuesday he was oddly distant. On Wednesday he stood me up for a date. On Thursday he hung up on me. I didn't hear from him again until yesterday at 11AM. Those 40 hours were some of the longest of my life.
He came over on Saturday and hugged me. Held me for 5 minutes and stroked my hair. He then sat me down in the exact spot where 4 months ago he told me he loved me and said to me 'I don't think we work as a couple'. The then told me he'd 'fallen out of love with me over the last couple of weeks'. When I asked him about Sunday he said 'I wanted to say it to see if I could make it true again.' Selfish I said. Heartbreaking. He nodded and agreed and then said his mind was made up.
He held me for a few more minutes while I sobbed and then very methodically gathered his belongings, of which there were many as he stayed at my place 4 or 5 nights a week, took my key off his ring and walked out the door.
I haven't heard from him since.
How does it go from planning the next year to this in a week?
I have spent the last two days varying between unending tears and being utterly numb. I am in shock. I am enraged. I am so beyond confused. How does someone go from one extreme to the other so quickly? So methodically end a relationship that according to him was 'fated'? The reasoning he gave for his decision wasn't reasoning, it was excuses. Suddenly the fact that I am sensitive and that he is blunt was too much. Even though he'd known this from the first date. Even though it's something we agreed to work on during our Friday talk.
I have spent 24 hours beating myself up. Blaming myself for everything that went wrong. Belittling myself. I have also spent countless hours on the phone with friends, sobbing, asking why? Can they please explain to me what caused this? Can they tell me if he'll change his mind, come back to me, and make my heart whole again? They all say they have no idea. They've seen us together and we just 'work'. You can't fake that, they say. We thought you guys would go the distance, they say. And I nod through my tears and say 'me too'. Because I honestly believed that.
He didn't. Apparently. So he pulled the rug out from underneath me.
I'm so afraid. Last time I had my heart this badly broken I ended up on anti depressants. I couldn't sleep, I couldn't breathe, I couldn't function. While I am not there, at all, I am still afraid. I've slept 5 hours in 2 days. But, I am stronger now. Much, much stronger. I need to have faith in myself that I will heal and get through this. I will face this and I will win. He made the wrong decision and I don't know why. I will have to accept that and cry it out. I will dust myself up, drag myself back into the living and work on me. Only then will I open my heart back up and go back out there. Because somewhere there is a man I am meant to be with. Someone who would never, ever dream of doing something so callously cold hearted. I have to have faith in that right now because it's the only thing keeping me sane. It's hard though. The hardest thing I've faced in awhile.
It's hard to keep the faith while your heart feels like it's in a vice. The pain is physical. It hurts everywhere. But I will breathe through this and I will be ok. I am strong. I will heal. This much I know.