Monday, May 11, 2009

In Response

'm sorry, but it's time to stop all the bullshit. All this crap about what an asshole he is and how none of it was your fault is of no help. Even though it is well intentioned.

Until you figure out what went wrong and how to keep this from happening again, you'll only be stuck wallowing in your pain and dooming yourself to repeat it.

First of all, how long were you with this guy? I can't remember when, exactly, you first mentioned him, but it could only have been 4-6 months ago. In that short amount of time you're planning this great future together and professing love for one another. You're too old and experienced to fall into this trap. The beginning of every relationship is like that. But to lose yourself in it is short sighted and naive.

The fact that you were ready to spend the rest of your life with someone after that short a time indicates that you have an ambition to be married.

Happiness should be your ambition. But there are many different paths to happiness, only one of which is marriage. If you figure out all the things that make you happy and pursue each equally, then you'll be less likely to jump into a relationship like this.

All that said, he does sound like a tool. Which only begs the question, what the hell were you doing with him?

He was from Texas. That we know. But, with apologies to my friends from Austin and the 40% enlightened folks scattered around the state, most people from Texas are republicans.

Not only did they vote for George Bush twice for Governor, but they voted for him another two terms as President. After 16 years, they still didn't figure out what a creep he was. And their current Governor is talking about seceding from the union, while still accepting millions of Federal dollars for hurricane relief and other programs.

A majority of Texans have conservative ideas about everything from relationships to race relations to gay rights. And based on the way your own personal Long Horn handled your own personal situation, it sounds like he's one of the more retarded ones, who have lived, without question, with the following laws...

Don't get me wrong, there are great and progressive people from Texas, but none of them would have been so clueless to your feelings.

So why were you dating this idiot? Why were you falling madly in love with this douchebag. Why do you, even now, think that getting back together with him would make things better?

It sounds as if you were putting more importance on the relationship than the relationship had earned. Which, of course, led you to confront him about things that were bothering you way more than the situation called for. In the future, I suggest taking it slower, keeping everything in perspective and following the advice of the immortal and profound Samuel Jackson who opined, "Bitch be cool!"

Sure, your own Texas tool couldn't handle the intensity, but not many men could after 6 months. And the ones who can handle it are probably predisposed to jumping into relationships, which should set off alarms as well.

All that aside, it's most people's instinct to blame the method of break up, rather than examining the break up it's self. That allows you to continue loving the person, while still expressing anger towards him and avoiding accepting blame for the relationship problems.

How could he say he loves me one day and break up with me the next?

It could be that he's an asshole. I'm not doubting it.

But it is not unreasonable to suggest that at such an early stage of the relationship, people discover new things about their mate on a daily basis. Some of those things will repel a person. That happens all the time. Not hard to understand.

So you've talked about everything he did wrong. You've been praised by your friends for being so open and honest. But how about discussing what you did wrong? Even if the mistake is simply misjudging your choice in mates, the analysis will help you.

And if you did misjudge him. I suggest you make notes of what it is you're looking for in a mate. Compare them to the qualities of the dick head who dumped you. And if they match up, then you need to sit down and re-evaluate your goals.

I know this post will make some people angry, but I maintain that it is more thoughtful and helpful than simply reassuring you that you're a good person and you'll feel better.

Of course you are and of course you will. But something is wrong right now. Your posts in the past, while witty and observant, have also been judgmental and snarky. You drink excessively and sometimes to the point where you need help from others. And you're basing your happiness on a 6 month old relationship. These things all indicate an underlying unhappiness. Which can be improved upon if you work at it.

I hope you take these observations and this advice in the spirit they were given. I hope that you find happiness on your own sooner, rather than later. Because you, and everyone else, deserves it.

I suspect that when you examine your relationship honestly you'll realize it was never exactly what you thought it was. And then you will remember it fondly as a bright moment in time, but you will let it go, the way we all do with flawed relationships.

And you'll never want to return to it again.

So that was the comment left on a post. I wasn't going to respond but I decided to after all. All I have to say is I have never, ever called Texas an asshole and I never will. He was and is a great guy. We had our problems sure, but ultimately I do hope we can be friends when all the heartbreak has been mended. He helped me deal with the death of my friend in a way that went so far above and beyond the call of duty in a brand new relationship I can't even begin to explain it. I haven't placed the blame on him. We both failed. I did things I shouldn't have done, absolutely. I am the first one to state that I am no where near perfect. I have been beating myself up for days about what I did wrong in this. I haven't posted it here because I don't want to. It's private and painful and saved for my therapist and friends and screaming at myself when alone. In fact, I have taken most of the blame on what went wrong. I don't respect or like the way he ended things abruptly but it would be insane to place all of this on him. We both fucked up. The end.

Yes, we went fast. The relationship had been going at a very slow and comfortable pace until my friend passed away. After that, well, it sped up. However, I let him set the pace. He was the one asking to spend more time together, telling me he loved me and booking trips. He seemed to be very into this and not afraid of the 'intensity'. So I kept pace, never exceeded. Yes, after 6 months thinking I would marry this man was incredibly fast. I know this. However, I honestly thought he was 'the one'. What we had gone through with the passing of Adam and health/cancer scares sped us up. We would often joke that it felt like we had been together for 6 years not 6 months.

So I guess I call can say is, no, you don't know how I feel or the whole story. I post things here that merely skim the surface of my life. I write about things that are funny, to me at least, or things that I think would be good to get out there. I work incredibly hard on myself. I am in therapy and have been for years. I will never stop doing that. No, I do not place all of my value and happiness on a relationship and I know I'll be happy and fine again. However, right now I'm sad. Yes. Ab-so-fucking-lutely. I loved someone and he walked away rather than try to work on our issues. That's what hurts. It was however his choice. I am writing about my pain to get it out. To quote my mom 'better out that in'. It's helped in a way, so I will continue to do so. However, don't pretend you know me or how I feel. That is stupid.

Oh and here's where I defend him. You don't know him. He's not an idiot, far, far from it. He's not a republican and he's voted against GWB more times that you have. Again, you don't know him. I intentionally kept personal information about him out of this blog due to respect and I will continue to do so.

I miss him and his friendship, every moment. We were very close and talked often. That's what I miss. Sure I want him back, that's normal. I loved him, I wanted to work on our issues and still feel we deserve a second chance. However, that's more than likely not going to happen so I am healing and moving on. It's tough and some days are better than others. I have moments where I am incredibly sad and moments where I am better and able to function. That's part of the process. If you don't get that, then you don't get heartbreak.

And that's the last I'm going to say about that.


Todd said...

Well put. Sounds like you know what happened and have a good attitude. You will get over this quicker then you think. -todd

Anonymous said...

So the girl is a little flawed and gets on the wrong side of emotions sometimes. Let's give her a break... Sheesh!

Auglaise said...

So I wouldn't usually offer to defend a complete stranger by offering to punch another complete stranger in the face, but the comment you received certainly makes me want to.

Becky said...

Can you hear me clapping in Wisconsin?

Well said girl! WELL SAID!

Loverville said...

Indeed -- well said.

Sorry to hear you're going through this. Yes, it sucks right now, but it will get better in time.

It's pain like this that makes me nervous about finding someone I like... but we have to take these risks, right? Hang in there!