This morning I woke up with the song 'Owner of a Lonely Heart' in my head. It won't go away. Not funny, brain. Not funny at all.
Yesterday I only cried 5 times which is an improvement of sorts. It was mostly, unfortunately, while at work or driving, but still, an improvement. I just wish I could stop thinking about him. I know that will fade over time but right now every time I blink, breathe or move I am flooded with memories. Mostly good times, trips, mornings spent in bed, and then at times a jab at my heart where I think I somehow fucked up. Where I confronted about something or said something I shouldn't have. I am beating myself up non stop. I may as well wear a hair shirt at this point, it'd be easier.
I am lucky though. I don't think I'll ever be able to thank my friends properly for everything they've done. They been there for me every step of the way over the last few days. They've held me when I've cried and made me feel loved at a time when it feels unimaginable. When I beat myself up, they call me on it, make me stop. I think it's why it's the most difficult when I'm alone. It's only after they leave or I hang up the phone that my brain chuckles in evil glee and tosses another zinger out. My head is not a fun place to be.
My heart is still in a vice but I slept last night. Fitfully sure, but I slept. Maybe one day I'll stop dreaming about him. That would be good.