Tuesday, May 05, 2009

Update

This morning I woke up with the song 'Owner of a Lonely Heart' in my head. It won't go away. Not funny, brain. Not funny at all.

Yesterday I only cried 5 times which is an improvement of sorts. It was mostly, unfortunately, while at work or driving, but still, an improvement. I just wish I could stop thinking about him. I know that will fade over time but right now every time I blink, breathe or move I am flooded with memories. Mostly good times, trips, mornings spent in bed, and then at times a jab at my heart where I think I somehow fucked up. Where I confronted about something or said something I shouldn't have. I am beating myself up non stop. I may as well wear a hair shirt at this point, it'd be easier.

I am lucky though. I don't think I'll ever be able to thank my friends properly for everything they've done. They been there for me every step of the way over the last few days. They've held me when I've cried and made me feel loved at a time when it feels unimaginable. When I beat myself up, they call me on it, make me stop. I think it's why it's the most difficult when I'm alone. It's only after they leave or I hang up the phone that my brain chuckles in evil glee and tosses another zinger out. My head is not a fun place to be.

My heart is still in a vice but I slept last night. Fitfully sure, but I slept. Maybe one day I'll stop dreaming about him. That would be good.

4 comments:

Dimplz said...

I hate when I have dreams that me and the guy are back together. Though now, those dreams are not comforting. You will get to that point too. I meant to say this in the last comment, but you should never apologize for who you are, because someone will love you for WHO you are, and also, that perhaps he was trying to convince himself that he could do this (be in a relationship) and that makes him the one who is dishonest and not very self-aware, and who wants someone like that. If marriage is what you want ultimately, who wants a partner who doesn't even know who they are? Either way, you win. So don't beat yourself up over it. At least it's not years down the road, where you would be afraid to move forward. You are awesome and funny and you will sleep better again and eat lots of cake, drink lots of booze, and take lots of trips. Anyway, sorry it's so long.

Chuck said...

I know that it is hard but whenever you have a negative thought, you have to counter it with a positive. Your brain will remember the last thing and if it is a positive, you will be able to move on a little bit quicker.

If you are stuck for some positives, I'll give you some:

You are funny.
You are beautiful.
You are a great friend.
You are fun.
You are sweet.
You are compassionate.
You are intelligent.
You are sexy.
You are loving.
You are loved by all of us readers.

Remember... There is nothing that you did wrong. The problem lies completely with him. He is the one that is flawed and will realize someday what a wonderful woman he lost. He will then fall down a flight of stairs whilst tryin to kick himself in the ass.

Hugs.

Chuck

Becky said...

I just want to say I think you are so brave for being so out there with this. GOOD FOR YOU! Although I'm so sorry you have to go through this, you are helping people you don't even know. Does that make any sense? Yeah, didn't think so... instead read Chuck's comment above again. That was a good one.

Hang in there...

Dr. Joyce Brothers, Phd said...

I'm sorry, but it's time to stop all the bullshit. All this crap about what an asshole he is and how none of it was your fault is of no help. Even though it is well intentioned.

Until you figure out what went wrong and how to keep this from happening again, you'll only be stuck wallowing in your pain and dooming yourself to repeat it.

First of all, how long were you with this guy? I can't remember when, exactly, you first mentioned him, but it could only have been 4-6 months ago. In that short amount of time you're planning this great future together and professing love for one another. You're too old and experienced to fall into this trap. The beginning of every relationship is like that. But to lose yourself in it is short sighted and naive.

The fact that you were ready to spend the rest of your life with someone after that short a time indicates that you have an ambition to be married.

Happiness should be your ambition. But there are many different paths to happiness, only one of which is marriage. If you figure out all the things that make you happy and pursue each equally, then you'll be less likely to jump into a relationship like this.

All that said, he does sound like a tool. Which only begs the question, what the hell were you doing with him?

He was from Texas. That we know. But, with apologies to my friends from Austin and the 40% enlightened folks scattered around the state, most people from Texas are republicans.

Not only did they vote for George Bush twice for Governor, but they voted for him another two terms as President. After 16 years, they still didn't figure out what a creep he was. And their current Governor is talking about seceding from the union, while still accepting millions of Federal dollars for hurricane relief and other programs.

A majority of Texans have conservative ideas about everything from relationships to race relations to gay rights. And based on the way your own personal Long Horn handled your own personal situation, it sounds like he's one of the more retarded ones, who have lived, without question, with the following laws...

http://www.dumblaws.com/laws/united-states/texas

Don't get me wrong, there are great and progressive people from Texas, but none of them would have been so clueless to your feelings.

So why were you dating this idiot? Why were you falling madly in love with this douchebag. Why do you, even now, think that getting back together with him would make things better?

It sounds as if you were putting more importance on the relationship than the relationship had earned. Which, of course, led you to confront him about things that were bothering you way more than the situation called for. In the future, I suggest taking it slower, keeping everything in perspective and following the advice of the immortal and profound Samuel Jackson who opined, "Bitch be cool!"

Sure, your own Texas tool couldn't handle the intensity, but not many men could after 6 months. And the ones who can handle it are probably predisposed to jumping into relationships, which should set off alarms as well.

All that aside, it's most people's instinct to blame the method of break up, rather than examining the break up it's self. That allows you to continue loving the person, while still expressing anger towards him and avoiding accepting blame for the relationship problems.

How could he say he loves me one day and break up with me the next?

It could be that he's an asshole. I'm not doubting it.

But it is not unreasonable to suggest that at such an early stage of the relationship, people discover new things about their mate on a daily basis. Some of those things will repel a person. That happens all the time. Not hard to understand.

So you've talked about everything he did wrong. You've been praised by your friends for being so open and honest. But how about discussing what you did wrong? Even if the mistake is simply misjudging your choice in mates, the analysis will help you.

And if you did misjudge him. I suggest you make notes of what it is you're looking for in a mate. Compare them to the qualities of the dick head who dumped you. And if they match up, then you need to sit down and re-evaluate your goals.

I know this post will make some people angry, but I maintain that it is more thoughtful and helpful than simply reassuring you that you're a good person and you'll feel better.

Of course you are and of course you will. But something is wrong right now. Your posts in the past, while witty and observant, have also been judgmental and snarky. You drink excessively and sometimes to the point where you need help from others. And you're basing your happiness on a 6 month old relationship. These things all indicate an underlying unhappiness. Which can be improved upon if you work at it.

I hope you take these observations and this advice in the spirit they were given. I hope that you find happiness on your own sooner, rather than later. Because you, and everyone else, deserves it.

I suspect that when you examine your relationship honestly you'll realize it was never exactly what you thought it was. And then you will remember it fondly as a bright moment in time, but you will let it go, the way we all do with flawed relationships.

And you'll never want to return to it again.