Dear Pretentious Hipsters at the Cheesecake Factory in The Grove,
You know this is the Cheesecake Factory, right? It's not Il Sole or The Ivy. It's the Cheesecake Factory. There is one of these bad boys in every suburban mall across the United States. Including this here fancy LA mall. That being said, one doesn't need to dress up for the ol' CF. Also, you aren't being witty and irreverent when you eat here. You mostly, well...you mostly look like an asshole flipping through the giant menu with an air of disdain. You are wearing a slogan tee shirt with a vest over it and gelled hair, so you will always look like an asshole, but let's face it dude, you aren't here because it's 'commentary on middle America' you are here because you really like food the size of your head and a giant slab of cheesecake. So own up. Stop pretending you are too cool for school (which, I understand is the general MO for all of LA) and leave the vest at home. Put on your elastic waist pants and belly up, your 6 pound burger with a gallon of soda is on it's way out. Get your eat on and lose the attitude, or I will beat you.
Hugs and Kisses,