We arrived at the ER in a cab and I was immediately put into a wheelchair. Liz took control of steering me as the staff clearly wanted no part of our shenanigans. People, the first window you encounter in the Vegas ER is a mirror. Apparently the check in lady is sitting behind said mirror to take your information. This does not compute when drunk. So much so that you will have this conversation:
Me: It's a mirror!
Lady behind mirror (LBM): Hi ma'am how can I help you?
Me: The mirror is talking to me! Hello me in the mirror! Why do you have to say?
LBM: Ma'am, I am behind the mirror. Can I have your insurance card.
Me: (confused) Liz, why is there a mirror? Are you trying to tell me to fix my hair? And why does the mirror want my wallet? Is the mirror a thief?
This went on for awhile. We eventually figured it out and got checked in and thus sat about waiting. By sat about waiting I mean hosted a photo shoot in the ER. Yeah. There are roughly 50 pictures of me in a wheelchair pointing at my leg, licking my insurance card and befriending Tanisha who was also waiting for a friend. Let's just say they are classy and I now have the cover for my upcoming Christmas card.
Finally I got called in. Alone. As per Liz they have a 'no drunk bitches in the ER rule'. This is a rule I fought. I demanded a friend and finally for fear of a drunken rampage they let me have one. I asked if it was Sophie's Choice and asked for both which they did not appreciate. So, I told them to bring me the tall brunette one. Apparently the tall brunette one and the blonde one were outside eating a bag of potato skins and could not be found. Thus I called them. Apparently the phone fell into said potato skins bag and when Liz finally came into the room to meet me said the two following things:
'This hospital sucks! They don't sell cigarettes and they don't make change!' and 'you were small and angry and yelling at me from inside a potato skins bag! How'd you do that?' And then we took more pictures.
The nurse came by at that moment and handed me the protection vest for XRays. I could only find one loop so I figured it was a halter top style and slipped it over my head. Internet, it was not a halter top style and the nurse laughed so hard at me she almost wet her pants. Finally it was deduced that I had dislocated my kneecap (which I had told them) and needed a leg immobilizer. Then they left for a long, long time. So we had to make our own fun. First I took my temperature with the machine on the wall (an orderly walking by stopped, called me weird, and left) and then Liz went through my purse looking for a chapstick. Instead she found two packets of instant oatmeal I had thrown in there for work and had forgotten about. When inebriated and in an ER there is nothing better than finding instant oatmeal in your purse. Why? Well because now you have more props for a photoshoot. Which you will host from your hospital bed. And this is how your doctor will find you: half naked (they took away my pants for the xrays, apparently I then told 3 hospital workers that my underpants were sheer), wearing a spangley shirt, lipstick freshly applied, holding a packet of instant oatmeal on either side of your head while your friend takes pictures. It is then they will slap on your leg brace and send you the hell home.
And this is how I ended up back in the Palazzo, walking with crutches and hospital socks, carrying my shoes at 7AM.