Sunday, November 16, 2008

The Concert: A Recap

So imagine if you will a crowded concert hall. Within this hall are many, many unwashed hipsters. In the epicenter of that mass stand Liz and I, clutching our vodka. We had come prepared, she was wearing only wood jewelry and I was wearing a scarf. It was our offering to the hipster masses, our vain attempt to blend in. But, as we had A) showered in the last week and B) not wearing hemp we kind of stood out. The concert began and we forgot about the sea of idiots and started singing along. Then... well, then we got overtaken by assholes.

The concert was standing room only and PACKED in. We had about 2 inches of space to breathe in. The people who wedged themselves in front of us apparently were unable to judge distance. They thought they had yards... yards and yards of space in which they could fling their bodies about in what I can only assume was 'dancing' but more closely resembled 'blind moose humping'. Seriously, one of them thought she was bringing sexy back by what can only be described as air humping WITH ONLY HER SHOULDERS. We stared mouths agape. There were truly no words. Finally, when the one in the inappropriate lycra dress (side note, honey, if you wear a size 14, lycra should not be in your vocabulary) began a violent jumping/ rocking motion complete with arm flailing and smacking into me and all around us repeatedly, words found us.

Liz: What was that toy... you know... the ones that wouldn't fall down?

Me: Weebles. They wobble but don't fall down.

Liz: Yeah. That one. I think she may be a mentally challenged Weeble.

Me: Liz, be nice. You really shouldn't disparage a beloved childhood toy like that.

Liz: True, I apologize to the Weebles.

Then, things got even better. The Weebles friend came over and during a very beautiful love song in which the entire audience went completely silent in awe, began to talk. Loudly. In a poor impression of Fran Dresher on helium. Apparently she had talked to the security guard and he told her there were only 3 songs in the encore, only 3, and since this was the third of the only 3 song encore, they should get ready to leave to beat the crowd because not everyone knew that there were only 3 songs in this 3 song encore.


It was at this point that Liz looked at the Weeble and asked of her friend 'Is she fucking retarded?' We got dirty looks. Well, as dirty as hipsters can muster. But, they stopped rocking and moose humping and one of them had wet eyes from unshed tears.

And this my dears is why I love Liz and want to take her to all concerts I go to.


gamerbri said...

After this story I now love Liz also. I have to say she is my Idol.

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